I don't know what is wrong...

For the past few days I've been filled with anger toward my daughter, Vicky. I don't know why. I catch myself numerous times trying not to get angry at her for the many demands she makes throughout the day. Demands I normally do without any thought or emotion. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of worrying about keeping sitters, tending to her constant needs, and not being able to sleep in till at least 8am. I don't wanna be "MOM" anymore! Ha! Fat chance...

Happy Birthday to me!

Chat rooms and other such nonsense...

There is a chat room I frequent that has gotten way out of control. Yesterday, I was berated because I did not join in the fraying of a man who was found out to be a liar. He had told me something once also that has turned out to be a lie but in my maturity, I chose to just forget about him. Move on and try to make things pleasant. Three women in the chat room decided he needed a public flogging. Yes, they are right in pointing out to others this man is a liar and for other women to beware if they talk to him. They are wrong in expecting everyone to join in the fray. I am a peacemaker. Always have been, always will be. I don't like conflict. I grew up with enough of it in our house. I choose to live my adult life as uncomplicated, unstressful, and as quiet as possible. I don't think I should be berated because I don't join in the public arguing with monitors. I'm saying good-bye to that chat room. I feel either it has moved beyond why I went in there or I'm just getting way too old for schoolroom antics. Now if I can just get rid of my feelings of inadequacy because apparently I've disappointed a few people by not doing what they thought I should do. Sighs.

I must be wayyy stressed...

So far I've bitten four nails down on my fingers. The cause? I'm turning 45 next Thursday! It's getting me DOWN. How do you beat the "you are getting old" blues? Sighs

A rewrite...

Life as a dream...

Visions of purple and orange clouds flare brightly across the horizon from the last bright rays of the sun as it sinks slowly beyond sight. One by one stars come out into view. Brightly shining as they reflect the sun's light off their surfaces. Fireflies flit off and on across the field of flowers gently blowing in the wind. It seems an almost magical time. Breezes blowing softly upon your face as you lay in the field gazing up at the stars. Watching the lights from the fireflies flickering off and on and allowing your mind to wander. To dream. To envision. Look quickly, for there goes a falling star. Make a wish. Keep it close to your heart. And gently sigh, as it fades out of sight.

Religion..a sensitive subject...

I've been struggling off an on over the past year or so about which religion should be a part of my life. I do believe I am a Christian but I tend to balk at "organized" religion. It's amazing how episodes from childhood can mar and change any view you would have of such organized religion. I was raised a Jehovah Witness. Due to an event, I turned my back on that religion. Since then I've not really stepped foot in any church. I've never truly turned my back on God nor Jesus but I am not comfortable with the idea of going into a Church. What brings this up again? My sitter, who is Pentacostal, took my daughter to Church with her this past Sunday. Vicky loved it, as I knew she would, due to the singing and activities they have there. They wish me to go also. Do I go once, to be polite? Or just come right out and tell them, I do not like attending "organized" religion? Would it hurt me to just go once? I don't think so. Personally, since I've been battling this dilemna over a year, I think God is trying to show or tell me something by finding this sitter. Pentacostal though? I can't see myself wearing dresses. Sorry, it's just not happening. I don't think that's the message though. I think He is just trying to open the door. Question is, can I walk through it? : )

Sometimes, I wonder...

I was in a game room this evening and the chat was about an older man (60) whom was rejected by a woman in her 40's. Apparently, she honestly told him, he was too old for her. He was complaining about her rejection of him. Sixty years old may not be old to some women and it will be to others. How can he complain when she was honest with him? People rant and rave all over about all the liars and cheats they find online and yet, when they hear the truth, they don't want to hear it.

Personally, I quit looking. For younger, for older, for any man. No one is going to want a woman with a child such as mine. One whom I am not sure won't always be living with me. I can't go anywhere on the spur of the moment. My mentality is no longer that as a sex object but as only a MOM. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I am no longer here for me, I am here for her. Do I resent it? Sometimes. Then I say to myself, I'm not losing me. I'm gaining another version of me.

I just hope that most of these unhappy people online find their happiness. If they don't, learn to accept what is there and make the most of it or change it. It's up to us in the long run anyway, right?

Friday the 13th...

Should I be scared???

Did I mention???

We got SNOW Saturday? Not much but it was snow!!

You really have to love Texas...

Last Friday we had a tornado which basically means that the temps were in the 70 to 80 range. This weekend we have sleet! Yes! Sleet! Snow is in the panhandle and we may get a smidgen of that too. Don't blink though...it may change again!

It's all about the knees...

My knees have been really hurting lately. I don't know if I am developing arthritis in them or not but it's not easy walking on them. Of course, if I could only lose that "twenty" pounds, they'd probably feel better too...maybe.