Saturday, July 29, 2006
I've been thinking about what I wrote earlier and I may have not been clear on some things. I have friends with whom I don't mind hearing about their troubles. I consider it a privilege that they trust me enough to talk to me and I want to listen. I just don't want to listen to this guy. I think perhaps because he reminds me of how much I used to be. Ms. Passive Aggresive. IF someone didn't have time to chat or want to be around me, I automatically assume it was ME, my fault, because they didn't care to be around me right then. Now, after much reprogramming, I think to myself, "Okay, they are busy. I'll catch them later." It's taken me a long time to quit feeling so guilty or saying "I'm sorry" all the time to people. This guy does that. Everything starts with, "I'm sorry, but..." and that makes you feel guilty. Guilty because if you don't listen you'll hurt their feelings. Guilty because YOU don't want to listen and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Not everyone will get along with everyone. Fact of life. So to my friends out there that read this, I WANT you to keep telling me your troubles! Makes me forget my own. Besides, how many times have you listened to ME?
Friday, July 28, 2006
That guy called again. Sighs. After I especially told him to NEVER call me again. He just wants me to listen to his problems. He needs just a friend. Maybe it's mean of me but I feel if I do call him back, he'll see it as encouragement and keep on calling afterwards. I can't handle some else's problems and stresses. I have more than enough of my own in life. One thing I know about myself is to limit my stress as much as possible. My job, caring for my daughter, worrying over bills, and just day to day living is all the stress I can handle. Perhaps I'm cruel but I can't worry about someone else's truck breaking down, their not being able to pay rent, or whatever else it may be. I just can't. My heart would break because I could not help them financially or give them what they deserve, someone who really can listen without it bothering them. I can't do that. I have too much empathy for others so I have to limit myself. There are days when I feel like I'm sinking on the threshold of some bottomless pit and just ONE more thing will topple me over. I don't need it. I don't want it. I can't do it. I'm so heartless...sighs.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Okay, I haven't mentioned this in a while and it's beginning to bug me. I am 50+ days late on that dreaded thing women go through every month and although I should be jumping for Joy, I am really starting to worry. I know this is normal as I am peri-menapausal but what happens on the day I do start? Tremendous cramps, overly flow, and worst headache of the year? Men have it so lucky. Their bodies don't betray them with hormones going wacky, thunder thighs and hips, and they have that ability to look in a mirror and see Mr. Universe when all we see is Daisy Duck on drugs. I'm not sure lately if it's the heat or not that's been giving me headaches and making me feel as if I could kill someone on some days. Granted, the death wishes haven't been too bad yet for anyone but it could happen! I tried to explain this to a guy recently that I don't want a man in my life right now. If I can barely stand myself, how can I expect anyone else to stand me. I do all right on long distance relationships (online) but if you are too close to me, expect too much of me, and get in my face at just the wrong moment, then you are history. Some days it takes all I have NOT to kill daughter and I'm expected not to kill anyone else? (just a joke there folks) Let's just say any patience I have at this moment is concentrated on my daughter because I am very low on it due to this hormonal wreak I could be if I let myself. Now where are my dang Excedrins??
Friday, July 21, 2006
I know what is wrong with me. I just don't care anymore. The part that used to be willing to open up enough to have a relationship is just gone or in hiding. I have friends I care about but when it comes to intimacy, I just don't care. It's a chore. A bother. It causes me undo stress and I don't need it. Think I'm lying to myself?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
There is a guy in my town that I used to chat with when I worked nights in a store. He was nice enough to chat with and fill the time but I never gave him any encouragement or lead him to think I wanted more. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 11 years and was in no mood to gain another boyfriend. I made the mistake a month or so ago of finally giving him my phone number. It went from occasionally chatting to him calling me about every day. Where I should have been flattered about the attention, all I could think about was dread..it was him calling AGAIN. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone from now on. I like coming and going when I want. I like not answering to anyone (except the kidlets). I get lonely sometimes but I like my privacy in my own home more. Sounds a little funny, doesn't it? Privacy? On here I'm just someone who no one knows that can read my insignificant writings and wonder perhaps, who is she? They will never really know me in person. I'm safe. I'm alone. I'm giving myself a headache stressing over this mess. Back to TV...it's just another day in the life of me.
I'm still alive although the worthiness of that is debateable given the heat lately. Nothing like working in a warehouse with no air, 110 heat index, and sweating as if it's a sauna. I've been trying to do my work (fetching records) in the early part of the day and paperwork in the afternoon. Trying, being the key word here. So far the record part is working out okay but as for paperwork, I'm a tad behind, again. I'll try once more tomorrow to play catch-up. As for the home front, we are still surviving. Eliminating some expenses. Trying to figure out how to keep electric down with this heat being so bad. I have three window units and I hate to run all three all day and night. Trying to exist on two with fans blowing. We will see come electric bill time. Kidlet is doing good. She never realizes otherwise though. Good thing, eh? : )
Sunday, July 16, 2006
I've been doing some decision making and decided to cancel my life insurance policy. It will save me about 100.00 a month and I figure if I croak, my kid can just cremate me and do it as cheaply as possible. She already knows I do NOT want tons of money spent on me upon my death. I will be dead. I won't care. Funerals are not for the dead anyway, they are for the living to send the dead off with a good-bye. Cremate me, memorialize me, then forget me. My youngest will always have some kind of help due to her condition so I don't have to worry too much there. My main goal at the moment is to survive NOW. My frig I had to get a few months ago will be paid off soon and that will help also. We just have to hang in there for a few more months. Now to just get rid of this migraine and today might be looking better. : )
Friday, July 14, 2006
It's so hard sometimes, doing this on my own. I try so hard to make a life for me and my daughter and yet, some days I just don't think we will make it. She has no clue that Mom is broke this week. Bills are paid but where our next meal will come from, I don't know. I guess I shouldn't say that. I have some food. She will eat. I will eat less. For the next few weeks, we will make do with what we have in the cupboard and freezer. It's funny though. I don't qualify for food stamps because I make 10.00 too much a month. Ten dollars. Of course, I could cancel my Internet. My cable. That's my last resort. Can you tell I'm kind of depressed about all this? sighs...
Moving has hurt my ability to pay bills. It's not that I can't pay them, it just takes everything I have to do so. I have two electric bills this month for some reason. Sometimes I just want to give up. I guess now is a good of a time as any to diet, eh? I'll make sure the kid eats though. Me, it doesn't matter. Not a good day today....
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
Got the kidlet from Oklahoma yesterday. My daughter wussed out on me in going so I had to make the drive up there alone. I did make her pay for the gas though. Least she could do since she PROMISED she would go. Kidlet is excited about her room. So excited, she got up at 2 am this morning wanted to play her music. I convinced her to go back to bed but she did get up every hour on the hour after that. I finally gave up at 5 am and said, go ahead, get up. Going to be a LONG LONG day now. Oh well, she'll settle down...sooner or later. : )
Friday, July 07, 2006
It's done! I'm all moved, settling in, and finally got my cable reconnected today. I still have a few boxes to unpack but can't do that until I have containers to put them in. I bought some plastic drawers from Wally World today to put all my sheets in and it doesn't look too bad. I will buy some more of them for the rest of my odds and ends. I feel so much more at ease here. No need to worry if the washer will back up (bad drains) or if the heater will explode come winter time. This house stays much cooler than my other place did so that will help on electric bills. The child is still in Oklahoma until Sunday. Her sister and I will go and pick her up then. She knows Momma is moving but I think she believes I'm moving without her. She'll be so glad to see me, I know. I can't wait to see her expressions when she sees her new room and, of course, can watch her beloved Smallville DVDs again. Mean old Mom wouldn't let her take them to Oklahoma. It's nice having a porch to sit on, nice trees for shade, and a place that may actually feel like a home. The worst of it is that my vacation is almost over!!! It didn't feel like much of a vacation. I plan to try to sleep in past 6:30 tomorrow morning if at all possible. One last day of peace and relaxation then back to worries and tribulations of being a MOM. : )