Wednesday, June 21, 2017

It's June already....

Time sure does fly these days. Last post was in February and now it's June. Kidlet goes to OK in two weeks so I get a bit of a break. Not much of one considering I'll still be working but it makes a difference. They took away one of our workers and I'm finding myself doing most of the closing in our program. I guess it means job security but a pain when they email you asking if you will clear today.

Not a lot going on in my personal life. Having some problems but they will work themselves out in the end, I imagine. The romance department still sucks though. I do have a phone friend that I talk to a lot and that is nice but its just a friend thing and won't be anything else. I received my AOL GOLD notice and may be leaving AOL for good in July. I'll be on Wireclub I imagine for a bit of company at times. Other than all this, my life is pretty boring..which is good!

Friday, February 10, 2017

Boy , do I feel sorry....

For those that may wander through these posts. I was reading some of my old posts and I whine. Constantly. When I started this blog I was just beginning menopause. For men out here that read this, it's not very fun. Your body turns into an enemy. Mood swings, hot flashes, weight gain, and just all around be nice to me or I will kill you moods. Thankfully, that part of my life is over. I've never lost the weight, I still have occasionally mood swings, but overall, my life is going okay. Kidlet will be 29 this year. I just can't believe it sometimes.

I'm still single but learning and accepting that is the way things will be in my life. I have a few friends that I love and am close to in life. I wouldn't know what to do without my bestie. I still hate what goes on in the chat rooms and am drawn to them like a moth to a flame sometimes. I quit going in so much though because they make me want to scream sometimes.

My job is changing at work and hoping I can still change with it and go with the flow. Hard to believe I've been there 9 years so far. Longest I've ever been at one job. Who know? I may retire from there.

I won't apologize for any of my previous posts on this blog as its more for me than for others. It's my life, good ... bad... ugly. I cring myself when I read some of them but I don't delete them because that's how I felt at that point in time.

Life is good ...for now.

Sunday, January 08, 2017

Do you ever wonder?

What you've done in a past life that makes it so hard to live your current life? The reason why you can't find that one person that will value you above all others and see you for yourself and not some image they've created in their head? I wonder that sometimes.

Friday, November 04, 2016

Holidays ...bah humbug...

Holidays are getting close and it's that time of year when you realize you are truly alone. (Not counting kidlet) I still find it amazing that someone will IM and talk to you for several days and you have good conversations until they see your picture. Then, it's like, oh, that's you. They don't IM you anymore and they don't barely talk to you in the chat room you met them at either. I get that not everyone appeals to everyone but I'm not looking for a romantic relationship anymore. I just want someone to talk to when I feel lonely. I still have a few friends that don't mind my looks and still talk to me quite a bit but it's just sad when someone new does it. Not everyone sees beyond the looks and into the heart of a person, I guess. For those few that do and still talk to me, I cherish and value your friendship. A lot.

Holidays and loneliness go hand in hand. It's that time of year when you wish you had most of your family or friends surrounding you and realize you don't or can't. That time of year when everyone pretends all is well but inside they may be slowly dying. Kidlet will be going away this Christmas for three weeks. Three weeks of quiet, being lonely, and sleeping. That's my plan anyway. Don't expect it to change.

Sunday, October 09, 2016

Changes....

It dawned on me today that I am not the same person I was 30 years ago and I never want to be that person again. All my life I've "given in" or "put aside" what I wanted in life or relationships to please the one I was with and keep them with me. All for what? Only to find at 54 years old I'm still alone?

Thirty years ago I was with a guy who wanted me to do things that went against my grain but because I wanted to please him I said yes. Today, those things still haunt me and prevent me from moving forward with any kind of intimacy. A guy gets too close to me and I run the other way. There is a guy now that wants me to be something I'm not because it's what "he likes" and I just can't do it. I'm all for compromise but to completely give myself over to a guy, I can't do it anymore. It's not in me.

I did things years ago, drugs and sex, that I would never do today. I've changed. For the better, I'm not so sure. I still open myself up to heartache and censure but even though I pretend to be a solitary creature, I'm not. I like having someone to talk to and be with but the idea still scares me to death.

I'm convinced I will die alone with just the kiddo with me. Perhaps, that is better. This way I don't ruin someone's life like mine is ruined....

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Life gets busy....

Life gets busy sometimes and I don't always think to write about it thus there have been no posts as of late. Not much is going on either which is the norm for me. I did finally go out on a date yesterday. Lunch and a movie. It was okay. No fireworks, no chemistry, no wanting to tear the clothes off each other (at least not on my part) but he was a nice guy and I did enjoy the time we had together. Do it again? I don't know. I'm afraid he might think I was looking for more with him and I'm not. I'm not totally happy with my life but I am okay with still being alone. I have online friends I talk to and hope to meet some day but until then, I'm content. Or maybe I'm lying to myself?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Sometimes in life...

You try to convince yourself that someone found you that really is real and cares about you only to find out they are a scammer. While you try to come to terms with the vast loneliness you really feel in life that you almost believed him, it hurts deep down to know it was not and never will be real. Encounters with scammers break trust, strip you have your ability to be open with someone, and make you feel stupid that you could have almost believed them. My life is lonely, I must face that. It will be a long time before I let anyone close to me again and that, makes me the most sad.