Sunday, April 01, 2018

Could not have said it better....

Written by a friend of mine:

I've lied to so many people. I'm sorry, I am a sensitive person. I let so much get to me and I just keep it bottled up inside until I can't hold it in any more and then I break. I break down like a little bitch and cry uncontrollably to the point I'm dehydrated and my sides hurt and eyes burn, but damn, a person can only take so much. I'm tired of acting like super woman, I'm tired of being super mom, I'm tired of trying to pretend all is right with my world, I'm just tired. Most of all I'm tired of life. I didn't sign up for this shit. I'm tired of being the person. I'm a strong woman don't get me wrong, but I have weak tendencies. And today is one of the days I have let it get to me. Depression is not a joke, it's not a call for attention. The shit it's real life one of the most scary thing you could ever go through. I can't put the feeling into words, but it's alot like having a gun aimed at your head, you get the fight or flight automatic reaction, so you fight and you give your all while fighting, and that doesn't work so you resort to flight, and you hide your problems and run from them, but while running you realize, you've already tried and one thing didn't work so why would another, and you just kinda give up because your damned if you do damned if you don't right? It's wanting to kill yourself but not having the strength to do it, but then your told your strong because you didn't it is literally the feeling of being alone, even though you have all that could ever make a person happy, none of it matters. And it hurts more than anything could ever hurt in a way that nothing has ever hurt before, no this isn't a cry for help, no this isn't a post directed at any one , I just needed to get a small portion of how I feel off of my chest I'm tired of faking, I'm tired of smiling in people's face all day everyday just so I can run to the bathroom and break down and cry 5 minutes later out of jealousy for their happiness. I'm just tired.

April 1st...Fools Day...

Been thinking a lot since last night after a conversation with a friend. Thinking about sometimes I'm so focused on wondering how to do something that involves my daughter that I may seem selfish. I've been doing for her for so long that I can't think any other way. I don't mean to come across as selfish, but I guess I am. Making daydreams about a future that will probably never happen for me because of her and it's okay. If I was by myself, life would be more simple. I could go places when the mood strikes me, I could move to any place I wanted, and I wouldn't be so stressed. But life is what it is...I lie to people about being happy and okay but I'm not. Every day is sometimes a struggle to just want to wake up and put my feet on the ground. Despite those feelings, I still carry on because I have to not because I want to. This weekend is just not a good weekend for me... foolish me.

Thursday, November 02, 2017

It's going to be one of those days.....

One of those days that I'm mad at that world, myself, life, and whatever else comes across my path. I've been up and down since 2:30 because of my kid so I now have a headache and I'm bitchy as hell. I know this is supposed to be thankful month but let me try to remember why I am thankful and why I am not.
Not thankful:

For a kid who doesn't sleep so I don't sleep
For being so broke I can't even go visit my best friend at Thanksgiving
For all the broken promises that have ever been made to me
For life in general

Thankful:

For a kid who loves me
For having best friends
For finding out that the broken promises are probably for the best
For life in general

Right now that's all I got. I'm tired of being a Mommy ALL the time. I want to be ME sometimes whatever that is anymore. On days like today I wish I just had someone to hug me and say it's going to be all right. To have just one day where I don't wake up trying to figure out which bill I can put off to do something else I want to do, to have a kid that sleeps through the night, and to just have someone here in my corner for the days I want to scream.

I am most thankful for one of my best friends lest he read this and think I am not. I know you have my back and are in my corner but you are there and I am here and sometimes its a different kind of want.... ya know?

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Why it's hard for me to ask for help....

It's so hard to ask for help sometimes. I don't want to feel weak and small to those that matter most. I like to be strong, independent, and confident I can take care of myself and my child. I have to admit, though, that the past few months have been harder than most and I've never had such a hard time just keeping things together and surviving. Too many nights I cry myself to sleep with worry and feelings of being "out of control" the way things are going right now. When I do get help, I may act like it I didn't need it, but I do. I may not show much emotion about it but it's there. I'm thankful so much for the person in my life that can and wants to help me. I don't ever want to take that for granted and I don't. Prideful, I am, but even I have to admit defeat right now. Life is hard, really hard,but I can do this...so thank you from my heart....

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Thankful....

Things I remind myself every day I must be thankful for:

1.) My kids
2.) Grand babies
3.) My health (generally healthy)
4.) I have a job
5.) My new tires!
6.) I keep my bills paid
7.) Kids are healthy
8.) I wake up alive
9.) I have a car
and most important-my friends whom I can trust and count on to put up with me when I get all melancholy and annoying.

Monday, October 09, 2017

Sometimes....

Sometimes you look back at your life at what you've done, lost, or accomplished and you wonder, have I done enough, lost enough, or succeeded enough? It's so hard sometimes trying to decide what you need against what you want. I sit and wonder sometimes will I ever truly feel happy again or will I just continue going through the motions of my life trying to make it through another day? I have my lifelines.... my kids, grand babies, and someone dear to me but sometimes I need more. I feel lost in a sea of emotions I can't seem to break through or get rid of. I can only hope its because I'm tired, lonely, and just overwhelmed to feel this badly. It will pass. It must. I'll make it pass one way or another.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

October is coming....

October is almost here. I haven't posted in a while because life has been busy. Nothing much has changed, I just try to stay busy. I realized today that my life will never change. It's all I can do to not end it....

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

It's June already....

Time sure does fly these days. Last post was in February and now it's June. Kidlet goes to OK in two weeks so I get a bit of a break. Not much of one considering I'll still be working but it makes a difference. They took away one of our workers and I'm finding myself doing most of the closing in our program. I guess it means job security but a pain when they email you asking if you will clear today.

Not a lot going on in my personal life. Having some problems but they will work themselves out in the end, I imagine. The romance department still sucks though. I do have a phone friend that I talk to a lot and that is nice but its just a friend thing and won't be anything else. I received my AOL GOLD notice and may be leaving AOL for good in July. I'll be on Wireclub I imagine for a bit of company at times. Other than all this, my life is pretty boring..which is good!