Saturday, January 29, 2005

Time is getting away..

Time has been getting away from me this week. So much has been happening. My child still is sick but hopefully new meds and diligence this weekend will get rid of it all. I've not been well either so spending any extra time resting if at all possible. My computer decided to blow itself up Thursday. The thought of a computer committing suicide to get away from you is somewhat daunting . My oldest fortunately had a "new" computer that she was not using because they just bought a "newer" Dell so Mom gets custody of this one for a while. Yippee! It is better than my old one. Work has been slow fortunately for me since I am not up to par to deal with it. Hopefully all this "crud" will be gone by Monday, if not, I think I will carry myself to the doctor to see what I can do for me. But barring all that great fortune, we are doing rather well. Have a good one!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Life as a dream...

As the sun sinks down slowly from the sky visions of purple and orange clouds flare brightly across the horizon. The last bright rays of the sun as it slowly sinks beyond sight. One by one stars come out into view. Brightly shining as they reflect the sun's light off their surface. Fireflies flit off and on across the field. Making it seem an almost magical time. Gentle breezes flow softly upon your face as you lay in the field gazing up at the stars and watching the lights flicker off and on. Allowing your mind to wander. To dream. To envision. Look quickly, for there goes a falling star. Make a wish. Keep it close to your heart. And gently sigh, as it fades out of sight.

Monday, January 24, 2005

I think too much...

I just got through reading a romance novel. Yes, one of those. And of course, that gets my mind to thinking about passion and romance. More of, what is the difference between the two? To me, passion is seeing someone you love all sweaty, dirty, and grimy and then, they give you that look. You know the one. Where your stomach flutters, your heart goes pitty pat, and you feel the heat rush to particular areas of the body and it doesn't matter how stinky or sweaty they are, you just give in to those feelings and you both drown yourself in them together. Romance, when after you've quenched the momentary thirst, you both shower together and you wash them gently and lovingly from their head to their toes. Sensously. You get out of the shower, dry them off, and you both lay on the bed holding each other ...remembering...

A rough day..

It's been a rough day but I am still alive, well, and in one piece : )

Saturday, January 22, 2005


"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion, it is easy in solitude to live after your own, but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

I've read and re-read this quote until it's meaning is perfectly clear. How many times does one conform to the world instead of staying true to themself? I sometimes think I am an oddball in an already crazed world. My thoughts and views I have about many things do not conform to many standards. I judge not a single person for having their views, thoughts, or ideas as to what they wish their life to be. I spend my days trying to be true to myself. The only time another person's opinion matters is if they are important to me. Walk on your own among the crowd. Hold true to your values, thoughts, ideas, and opinions. To fall in with the crowd because the whole believe it and you think you must also, is a grave injust to yourself. Think back on the many that have stood up to others for what they believed in, even at the cost to themselves. Can you do that? Can I?

Friday, January 21, 2005


Ah, Friday at last. This week went pretty good actually. Busy at work but nothing I couldn't handle. Took kid to the doc today and discovered she had a "bead" in her ear. I guess I'm lucky this is the first time she's pulled this kind of stunt. Fortunately doc was able to get it out of her ear and didn't need a specialist to remove. All's well that ends well. I'm on call this weekend due to our company having a record pull in another town. All that means is I stay home because a hospital may or may not call needing a record. I don't mind it too much. Staying home is appealing at times. And that's my week in a nutshell. May write more tomorrow...

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

A bit remiss...

I've been a bit remiss of late, writing in here. I've been busy at work and come home tired and brain refuses to function anymore than it has to at times. I've also been a bit concerned about my health. My blood pressure is becoming iffy and I am afraid that hypertension is trying to get a foothold on me. No one in our immediate family has had problems with blood pressure so this is a first for me. I've been reading up on it through various web sites trying to find out as much as I can to be informed. I can see now that I will definetely have to change my diet. Eat a bit more salads and fruit instead of snacks at work. As for exercise, I get plenty of that at work. Anyway, we will see what happens with my new regime. Life itself is okay at the moment. Child has been sick but getting better. I am going to try to write in here not just when I am sad but when I am happy or content. I tend to write more when I am sad. All in all, so far, it's been an okay week but then, this is only Tuesday : )

Saturday, January 15, 2005

My self quote for the week...

It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things. - Jo Coudert

I admit it. Freely. I have a self-esteem problem. I've been that way since I was a little girl. My favorite thing to do when I was a child was to crawl inside a closet with a flashlight and a book. I would hide for hours. Sometimes, when my mother would call out for me, I would not answer. Trying to pretend I was invisible. I spent my childhood riding my bike, fishing, or disappearing for hours to be alone. I would spend school dances sitting alone or standing by the wall being the very definition of a "wall flower". I can count the number of childhood friends I had on one hand because I let no one get close enough to me. Because I did not like myself so how could others like me? Trying to like ones self is so much harder than liking another. You know all your faults, you live with yourself everyday, see what you are, and are more critical of self than others can be of you. My goal is to work on my self-esteem. "I am woman, hear me roar!"

Metaphysics: Understanding the meaning of life...

I've recently become interested in reading about Metaphysics. Trying to understand why I am here at this particular space and time and if there is a specific reason for it, what is it? I also hope to find answers to other questions more personal that I care to share on here but as far as understanding it, I think you can read many books on the subject and never truly grasp their meanings. I think Metaphysics comes down to intrepretation. How you perceive your world and your place in it. How you perceive others as they cross your path in life. I've always believed things happen for a reason. You many not know what that reason is but it's there. You meet people who make an impact even if fleeting or an event occurs that transforms you and inspires you. Life is full of contradictions. I guess that is what makes it so fascinating, don't you think?

I can't pretend...

I can't pretend to be something I'm not...
whispers of who I am slowly climb to the surface.

Caring, sensual, loyal, unassuming...

I can't pretend to be something I'm not...

to hide from reality of life and from others.

Loving, kind, nonjudgemental, open...

I can't pretend to be something I'm not...
do you know who I am?

Thursday, January 13, 2005

A picture to lose yourself in...
Posted by Hello

A Cowboy's Guide to Life...

Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how
well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder
it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes
from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Sunset Beauty

There is a calming beauty is simple things like a sunset.

Posted by Hello

Something new...

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them".
Leo Tolstoy

I've spent the morning thinking about how I can go about making changes for myself. After much thought, I decided to set weekly goals but if they need to be worked on longer, then monthly goals. My first goal for myself, and I think it will be the hardest but the most important, is to change how I perceive my friendships and actions toward others. I am a self-defeatist. I tend to internalize everything. And I do mean everything. If someone doesn't respond how "I" think they should respond, I automatically assume I've done something wrong. I've erred in some way. I've upset them. Listening to how I think, I see a lot of "I's" in there, don't you? I am selfish by far. Or selfish to the point that I disregard others have lives that don't revolve around me. I am demanding to the point where I've hurt relationships I've been in because I am too needy. My goal is simply this: Demand nothing, assume nothing, and just accept events for what they are in my life. Events. Someone told me yesterday, "Don't judge me, analyze me, try to understand me, or to help me". (Sorry MC but those words made me think too much, as usual (smiles)) In "hearing" those words, I've come to realize I do make too much of things. Try to see too deep into things that are not there. Over-analyze feelings, words, and thoughts. And they have a point, just be a friend. Just be there. Not try so hard to be a friend. I will always care too much, I think that is my nature. But I need to learn the difference between caring and being pushy. Cherish moments when someone shares something with you but if they don't give of themselves, don't take it so personally. I think this goal may need more work than a week, perhaps longer than a month but a start is a start, correct?

Monday, January 10, 2005

To do it or not to do it....

I've been debating lately about writing in here my thoughts and emotions as I learn to know myself again. As if anyone truly wants to know who I am. There are so many parts of me that I hide from others. So much I hide from myself. I am damaged somehow. I know this. I could say that it is all my past relationships and hide the truth that the damage was already there. I want so badly to just write my feelings and thoughts and who I am on here but due to my exuberance, I guess you can say, I gave out this link to a few people whom may be shocked if they learned that much about me. Or I could pretend no one ever reads this and I am writing it for myself. Whatever I decide, my journey will begin soon. A journey to try to understand what is wrong with me and how I find ME again. How I learn to live and accept my faults and not always try so much to please others. To learn to say NO. To learn that if things happen it isn't alway because of me, that others are to blame too. Mainly I guess, my journey to find my self-worth. I lost it somewhere and I want it back...

Sunday, January 09, 2005


Why am I so confused about my thoughts, my feelings?
I think I have life all figured out and then I look around
and feel things aren't what I thought they were.
You walked into my life...made me think...made me love.
Then life happens and events occur that leave me wondering.
Why am I so confused about my thoughts, my feelings?
Maybe because life isn't suppose to be planned, controlled, explained.
Life is life.
What you make of it.
What you want of it.
What you need of it.

Time has no meaning...

Time has no meaning for those of us who cry
Each day passes and goes by
Time has no meaning for those of us in love
Each day is better than before
Time has no meaning for those of us confused
Each day is a wonderment of whys
Time passes and stops for no one
Take each day full of tears, of love, and confusion
And just live.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Hands of God
Posted by Hello
Someone sent me this picture not to long ago. It made such an impression. I sit and stare at it sometimes. Just wondering...are they truly the hands of God?

Aching Lonliness....

I've always prided myself on being able to be alone. Take care of myself. Not need anyone. Why then, am I so restless these past six months. Craving something, yet, not sure what? Needing someone nearby to chat with so I know I am not alone as I feel. I ache to just be held sometimes. Just held. To feel that closeness. Nearness. To not feel so DAM ALONE! sighs....wishful thinking...

I fell in love...

I fell in love not with the outer you
but with the inner you.
I sense inside of you someone with the
great capacity to love and share.
I fell in love not with what you can
give me materially but what you can
give my soul.
I fell in love not with the idea of you
but with the knowing of you.
I fell in love with you because of the
beautiful person you are inside,
the ability you have to give of yourself,
the person you want to become.
I fell in love with you because you care
about me. You put my needs before your
own and think of my well-being.
I fell in love with you because you instill a
want in me to put your needs before my own
and think of your well-being.
I fell in love with you because you make
me happy that I found you.
I fell in love with you because you are you.

Somewhere in my dreams...

Somewhere in my dreams is a man. A nameless, faceless man.
He calls out to me, reaches for me
Tries to take me by the hand
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is a hope of a love so true
Is a love that no knows bounds
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is happiness
A belonging
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is someone who wants me
Loves me, desires me, and wishes to be a part of my dream.
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is reality
A reality that I no longer have to dream to find that man, that love, that happiness....
Somewhere in my dreams...Is you....

A Story...

There once was a woman who cared too much about others. This woman would email asking how they were doing, just to say hi, or IM to inquire as to their well-being. Because she felt that everyone would maybe feel better knowing that someone who crossed their path noticed them and cared. As time went on, this woman noticed, that no one would email her, ask about her day, or IM to check on her well-being. She became very sad and depressed to know that she could fade so quietly into the background that no one even knew she was there. The only thing that gave her hope were the few, not many, that would IM her or email her to see how she was doing. This woman has reached a quandary in life. Should she keep on caring about others or close off those feelings deep within her because it is too disheartening to realize that she cares too much and others care so little. Or does she just keep on being who she is realizing that expecting others to care is asking too much of them and her caring should not be based on responses of others. She does it because she asks nothing and yet, a part of her does ask.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Peaceful scenery

I like to sit and look at this picture sometimes. Imagine myself sitting on that rock. Listening to the waves rolling in and feeling the breeze as it blows gently upon my face. I love the beach or any shore. Mostly because it can be either calm or stormy as the turmoil I can sometimes feel inside of me. Either way...this picture...relaxes lets me imagine I am anyplace but here...

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Beginning Life Anew

Have you ever woken from a dream to find that you weren't who you thought you were? That life was passing you by and you didn't know how to climb on the fast track? That changes needed to be made, lost self needed to be found, and in the mist of all this, you were crying so much from lonliness that it was eating at your soul? Making changes of any type are the hardest things one can do. You get comfortable. Like a pair of old shoes that fit your feet. They are worn but they suit you well. Life gets like that. You plod along until one day you notice that you are old, alone, and never did what you set out to do. Or you never discovered what it was you wanted to do. You settled. I dislike that word. "Settle". You settle in a relationship, forgetting the romance, the joys, the passion that brought you together. You settle in your job, hating it as most people do, because it's a paycheck and you are too afraid to find something new. You settle for just living. Existing. Surviving. Never settle. Always try at least to do one thing you want to do, need to do, for yourself. Never ever settle.