Chat Room Annoyances...

I usually go in a chat room in the mornings but lately, with all the politics, it seems everyone is at each others throats. Not everyone will agree with everyone else on regard as to which person they are backing and last time I checked, that is their right! To call someone out and be just hateful and rude because they don't answer as you think they should is..well..just petty. I remember why I left AOL five years ago and it's slowly going to happen again. I've made a few friends that I hope I will stay in touch with but overall, I won't miss the petty, hateful, mean, bitchy, and small mindedness of some of the people I've come across. Life is too short for hate...I don't want my remaining years to become so bitter that I forget the good I have and the waste it with those that drag others down. Life is for laughing, living, and loving...I'm going to do that for myself.

Every once in a while...

I get a glimpse, a taste if you will, of what life could be like with someone else in mine. The opportunity to have someone to share my days with, to talk to about everything, to be intimate. Every once in a while I get that glimpse...then its gone.

Rerun of a rerun...

I'm posting this (again) because I truly like it and I'm tired of trying to find it on this blog when I want it..just go with it.

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like...
Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

It's 3:11 am...

I'm awake. Why, I don't know. My mind races sometimes thinking about the direction my life has gone. The people that come and go. I don't always understand why people leave my life but I guess as with all things, I have no control over it. You let them go because you have to do so. All the while wishing things were different, could be different. New people come and take their place. You just wait to see what happens. Will they stay or will they go? It's hard to trust anyone when you are always abandoned. Build that wall, pretend to be happy so no one really sees the pain. Carry on your life just existing because that's all you can do. Work, home, sleep. Existing. I don't want to die alone but as each day passes this is looking more and more life an inevitable part of my life. Going to be a tough day today....

I can't..

I can't be what you want...
I can't be what you want.
I can't be all things to you. In being all things to you, I lose sight of me.
I can't be what you want. I can't give up my independence.In losing my independence, I lose my sense of self.
I can't be what you want. I can't be the love of your life, if I don't feel love.
I don't want to care. I can't. Don't ask me to be what you want. Don't ask me to be what you need. I can't.

My List..

I made this list back and 2006 and it still holds up to what I want in life...


1.) You must honor my independence. I'm not overly needy in the fact that I need to be saved from every crisis that comes my way. Offer your advice but don't be pissed off if I don't follow it. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a demand that I follow it and if it is, you don't need to be here.

2.) Realize that I have feelings too. Words have the ability to cut me to the quick. I realize people have fights but try to keep an eye on what you are fighting about when doing it. Don't throw in stuff that has no relevance to the fight at hand. Past mistakes are just that, past mistakes.

3.) Don't be surprised that I don't wear makeup (very rarely although I do own some, I think) and that I'm not comfortable in dresses. (I do own some, I think) I'm very down to earth and am more comfortable in a pair of jeans or sweats. I've lived that way for 54 yrs now and I seriously doubt I will become comfortable turning into someone I'm not now. I do know how to dress up, I prefer not to.

4.) Don't be surprised if I read at any time, any where. It's not a reflection on you. It's my way of destressing myself. Closing myself off from my surroundings so I can regroup. My alone time. I don't need to be entertained every second of every day. Better yet, if I need to read, Go watch sports, I won't mind.

5.) I don't like to go out except to dinner, movies, or to browse through book stores. I do occasionally like flea markets and antique shows. I'm not a social butterfly. I do better in small groups. I'm quite happy staying at home or going out with a few close friends. Large crowds and I do not get along very well. I tend to blend as far into the woodwork as I can get.

6.) I have secrets. I have a past. Don't expect me to share them all. If I do, do NOT ever throw them back into my face. I'm 54 years old and I was not a NUN the whole time.

7.) I will say that I prefer intelligence. I cannot bring myself to be with someone who does not read, can't converse, or doesn't know the difference between able have a thought and parroting thoughts of others.

8.) Looks. They truly are not important if you've managed to impress me in other ways. No one is perfect. I am not. We all have our demons. We are too fat, skinny, short, tall, or just plain. Beautiful people scare me. I admire them but I worry there isnt much more there than that. IF that sounds bad, I'm sorry. It's just me.

9.) You have to love kids. Truly enjoy being around them. I have a mentally challenged child. She isn't going away. I'm not shipping her off to a home unless that becomes a must which I doubt. Her wants and needs always come before my own or anyone else's. IF you can't accept that, don't even bother me.

10.) Learn to live with a woman moods. I am post-menapausal and I am dissatisfied with my body, self, and moods. I understand this. I accept it. It's part of the cycle of life and it will eventually right itself. This is mostly the reason I do live alone. (Update-the moods are gone, the rest of it went to crap)

Most importantly, be yourself. I don't want someone perfect. I do need someone with a job. I have one, you have one too. I'm sure there are a dozen other things a person looks for in someone but these, I think, are the most important to me. Good luck! : )

It's just too funny....

Someone gave me such a good laugh this evening. I was accused of being a drama queen because I expected them to share their phone number with me since I shared mine. Number one rule you learn on AOL: If a man doesn't share his number, he is either married or living with someone. It was just too funny to not share because for those who truly know me, a drama queen I am not. I wasn't born yesterday, I've been around the block a time or two, so saying I'm obsessing over a reasonable request to share your phone number...and a drama queen! Give me a break you are married!

Heartbroken....

My heart is heavy and feeling broken at the thought of losing my father in law. While we haven't really stayed in touch much after my husband died, I've always loved him and have the utmost respect for him. My daughter, his grand daughter, is hurting so much right now. The only comfort she has is that she got to see him today and, maybe, say her good byes to him. We don't expect him to last much longer and at the age of 95, he's probably ready to go. Lauren, my daughter, said she told him just one thing, "If he's ready to go home, go, but when he goes, to please say hello to her father for her when he goes home." It's times like these that I hate the fact that her father died. He's missed so much of her life by leaving us when she was only 6 months old. While I try to comfort her with the possibility of this upcoming loss in her life, I also have to be aware it will be like losing her father all over again. This is her Grandpa, her daddy's father, once he's gone, she's lost the last tangible thing to her father. She has Aunts and Uncles on that side, but it's not the same as losing her daddy's daddy. My heart hurts for her so much....

It's days like today....

When I am tired and exhausted and it makes me question my judgement of where my life needs to go. Do I keep the status quo or do I let someone in only to be hurt again because sometimes I just want an adult to talk to instead of a kidlet. I've decided that if I do want a man in my life, he better be my best friend. I want someone I can laugh with and talk to way after the body parts no longer work right. Sex is great but have a lasting relationship of mutual respect and admiration can go a long way with me. If you think that I am only here as a FWB, think again, I can do without it. Already have for years now..what's a few more?

Note to self....

Self, you really aren't all that important in the grand scheme of life. Just a drop in the bucket or a sand in time.