Yammering....

Have you ever walked down an old country road and listened to the birds sing? Have you ever stood on a hill and watched a thunderstorm as it was coming in? Have you ever taken time to listen to your heart and not your head? What happens to all the little pleasures as life's demands take over and runs things? (dont mind me, Im just yammering)

Another Valentine's Day alone. Need I say more?

Smallville, smallville, smallville....

Okay, perhaps it was a dumb thing to do or maybe not but I have been blessed this weekend in watching a Smallville marathon with my daughter. Mom broke down and bought her the Fourth season to watch on DVDs. Of course she has her favorite episodes which she had to watch not once, twice, or even three times but FIVE! The only good part about it all is that each episode lasts about an hour so guess who had time to read a book AND take a nap? Yay for me! I'm not really complaining. I spoil her. I know I do. Anything that puts a smile on her face makes me happy. Being as it is a Monday, I am mentally trying to prepare myself to see what type of work week I have in store for me. I am not working any overtime this week except what little bit I get here and there by clocking in early. I'm almost all caught up (so far) until they bring me more in to do. It does make it nice though, going to work knowing I have a raise, and realizing I am the only one in our department worthy of one. "Patting self on back" Good job, well done! : )

I survived! I think...

Well, January has come and gone. I survived the month. My last count for the 31st was 950 record requests. A first for me! I usually search for about 500 to 600 requests a month so I was slightly over. I ended up developing bursitis in my right knee from the strain. Believe me, it is very painful. I think I am becoming quite attached to my ice pack. The good news is.... I got a raise!!! Second one in six months. Yay for me!! I got a little bit more than I thought I would and I am happy about it. At least they recognize I deserved one without me having to ask for it. Now if they would just fire my none working boss...greedy, aren't I? Life is okay as long as I ignore the aches and pains and the moodiness. Hahahaha right! : )

Can I be worked to death?

This has been such a hard month for me at work. I've had to look for 335 records OVER what I normally would be doing. My total so far is 827 and the month isn't over yet!!!! My body is protesting greatly. Between my knee throbbing and my shoulder hurting again I'm not sure I will make it another day. I am taking this Friday off though. I just need to get out of there. Three days off should help. Hoping to go see my Grandson this weekend but not sure just yet. Where is my dream man that will support me in the style I could become accustomed to???? Haha (kidding) I pride myself on being able to make it on my OWN although I have ONE stubborn friend that refuses to listen to me and has helped me greatly last month. I will admit, it was nice not to have to worry about some things like I usually do in December. My income tax refund should be in this Friday and I am doubling up on house bills so that worry will be gone for a few months also. Somehow, someway, we will survive. : )

Melancholy feelings...

Feeling a tad melancholy today. Not sure why. I need to do so much to this house and I just don't have the energy. It's like why bother? Do the simple things, basic things but just let the rest go. I've been feeling very restless lately. Not a good sign. Means another bout of depression is trying to creep in on me. I won't give in... I can't. The last one about did me in...sighs. If it gets too bad, I will go to the doctor again and get help. Its been a whole year since I've felt this way... was so hoping it would stay gone. Peri-menapause sucks....big time.

Today is not a good day...

I'm weepy, stuffy, tired, oh okay, I'm exhausted... it would be a good day to just go out and .....scream.....sighs

It's a lonely trip sometimes...

Life can be lonely sometimes. Trying to live by your convictions, morals, and values. I've made the decision in my life where I no longer want someone in it just to relieve my physical desires but I want someone who will help me relieve all my desires. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I think I may end up being alone for many more years to come but if that is so, then it's okay too. I just wish people would understand that not everyone is as loose about their lives as they may be. Sex is not all there is..it is just icing after you have had the cake. I want the cake .... not just icing.

A New Year, a new day...

January 1st, 2006! My how time does fly. I've only made one resolution so far this year and it should be very easy to keep. I've decided to just give my life over to God and let Him decide what He wants to do with it. I don't seem to know what I want to do with it so maybe He knows more than I, you think? Other than that, I'm excited to see a New Year begin. Now if I can only figure out how to slow them down just a tad : ) Happy New Year !!

Journeys..

I've been rereading my blogging entries for the year and I notice a trend of moodiness in there sometimes. This year is coming to a close and all in all, I guess, I can say it's been an okay year. I've lost my ability to write at times but then I wonder, do I just write when I'm depressed? If I'm not writing does this mean I am not depressed? A quandary for sure. I do know that I am changing inside, for the better I think. Trying to become closer to God and less dependent on the things that aren't relevant. I have no clue what the year 2006 will bring. Good things, bad things. I will still in all my power try to remain positive. Write more in here. And dang it, lose some of this gut that grew this year for some reason!!! Happy New Year!!

It came, it went...

Christmas has passed for another year. Time is flying by so quickly these days. I've not done things I've wanted to do, accomplished goals I may have set, nor found the happiness I need to have but all in all it hasn't been a bad year. I have a new Grandson, niece, and nephew...one of my daughters got married, and I made a life change decision that seems to be working for me so far... 2006 is around the corner and I'm ready. For the New Year and new beginnings... Happy New Year!

Holidays, tears, and laughter...

Well, two more days and Christmas will be upon us. I truly get depressed this time of year but I try to hide it behind a facade of good cheer to those around me. I have many things I am blessed with in life but it seems to be the things I am not that I dwell upon the most. I am fortunate to be spending my Christmas Day with my oldest at her house so at least I won't spend the day alone with just the kid. I will try not to dwell too much on the fact that I am alone in my life..sighs. Okay, enough maudlin. Whining time is over. Thank you God for helping me to find friends with whom I needed at the time I needed them and for losing friends that weren't really my friends and did more harm than good. God Bless everyone...

Rant day...

I have elected this day to be a rant day!! I am soooo mad about the way some things are at work. My "boss" and I use this term lightly, did positively absolutely NOTHING today and got paid for it!! To make matters worse, one of our warehouse workers arrived late and spend the day doing absolutely NOTHING with him! I got to work at 7:45 and did not hardly slow down till I punched out at 5pm. Did I say something to those in the know? You bet I did! I know some days you just want to do absolutely nothing but he tends to do those days most everyday. Thinks that if he works for two hours he should be patted on the back and praised. HELLO!!! I work 8 non-stop hours and no one praises me! The biggest complaint from him that really gets me is when he complains he is now only allowed to get 40 hrs a week with no overtime. I have two hours of overtime so far this week (I know how to clock in early but then, I start work when I do that) and the fact that he has none. Thinks no one should have any overtime if he can't get it. HA! Let me get to work at 8am, stand outside for an hour drinking coffee and smoking with the boys, wander around till 10am, take my 20 (suppose to be 10) minute break..etc...I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, something needs to be done soon and if it isn't, I'm staging a mutiny!! (As if) Now if I could just get rid of this major headache from today's stress I would feel great!!!!

Movies and time well spent...

I actually got out of the house today to go watch a movie ALONE! Actually I was suppose to go see "Harry Potter" with the oldest but she didn't feel well so we are putting it off. Instead I went to see, "The Chronicles of Narnia". I've read the whole series of books on that story (which I love) so seeing the movie was just icing on the cake for me. It was great! I liked it so much I would even pay to see it again. Now if I can just figure out where I put those books....

As one goes through life they realize sometimes that dreams won't always be answered and what they thought their life would be like, isn't. They learn to make do. To survive. Or to just cry sometimes....

I know they mean well...

I've been getting "ragged" on a lot lately about finding a new job that offers health insurance instead of the one job I have that doesn't but I like it. Why can't these helpful men see just how hard it would be for me to move? First I would have to find a competent sitter because my child is mentally challenged and leaving her with just anyone won't do it. After I find a sitter, I have to find the job. It doesn't do me any good to find the job first because if I don't have the sitter, I have no job. Relocation: this is a small small town so finding a good job means moving. Excuse me, are you willing to fork over about 2,000 it would take for me to pack up, move, rent a new place, set up utilities, plus survive until the new job starts? Don't get me wrong, I know they all mean well and I do appreciate it but they truly have no clue what moving would be for me. My child does well in her school here. Uprooting her would be traumatic to some degree I am sure. She knows the teacher, the kids, and she has her routine. Maybe after she is out of school I can consider changing occupations, but until then, unless you want to put us up for a few months until I get settled, please be my friend and just listen to me whine without trying to fix it. I love you for trying though... : )

A Day late....

Well, I didn't make the usual entry wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving because I forgot I had this thing! Sad but true. Due to the generousity of a friend, my daughter and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with turkey and fixings. To top it all off, a generousity of a stranger, has helped me to produce a good Christmas for my daughter. This year, I have much to be thankful for after all. Lose some friends, gain some friends. Realize what is right and what is wrong with certain friendships. Friends do because they want to, not because they have to. Friends care no matter what, without forgetting whats important to you. As I meet more new people I realize that those I thought were my friends, weren't. I've not heard from them. I did not expect to. Aw well, what goes around comes around, tenfold. I believe that now. Always.

Two weeks and counting...

Okay, I know I did a good thing. Why is it I am sitting here moping today? Five years down the tubes and its only been two weeks but I still miss the dam man! Okay.. I won't do this. Not worth it. Nope, not gonna. I am better, I deserve better, I need better. Where the hell is the one that's suppose to take his place? sighs...

As I lay here at night I think of things I wished I had done, said, or needed to feel and my only regrets are that I did not open myself up to the passion I know is inside of me. I keep it hidden as if I may not be able to control it once it is let loose. Sometimes though, I am just too tired. Of life, by work, taking care of the kid, to even feel as if I am alive and have needs. Regrets...

I did a brave thing...

The promise I made to myself at the beginning of this year has finally born fruit. Call it stupidity or sheerly stubborn, whichever the case may be, but I finally ended a five year online friendship. A person can be told only so many lies, broken promises, and endure silences up to a point and I've reached mine. I don't care if this is just "online", you still do not treat people badly. I'm not going to belabor all the bad things that happened. I was a fault for tolerating it for so long. I am just going to breathe a sigh of relief that it's over. Done with. Move on. NEXT!