I tried...

I really did. I open IMs. I made a profile. I even sent out my picture. For what? to be insulted by no responses, to come across many morons? I give up. I will just have to learn to be happy spending my days taking care of my daughter and forgetting about me. I'm sure I'll eventually come to terms with it...just may take some time....

I don't need...

I don't need a man to complete my life...
I need a man to become a part of my life.
I don't need a man to take away my troubles...
I need a man to stand against them with me.
I don't need a man to take away my burdens...
I need a man to help carry the load.
I don't need a man to make me feel beautiful...
I need a man to see that I already am.
I don't need a man to change me...
I need a man to watch me grow.
I don't need a man afraid to show love...
I need a man willing to give love.
I don't need a man afraid to rejoice in the Lord...
I need a man that will.
I don't need a man to feel loved...
I need a man to just love me.

Some days...

I do just fine and then WHAM! I start thinking too much. Hoping too much and just plain wondering why do I even care? sighs...

I sometimes wonder...

At that which I cannot see. Am I being to imaginative or just being me? Are all my dreams fantasies or something that may come true....

20 days and counting...

In 20 days my baby, Miss Thing, will be 18!!!!! The closer that it gets to that day, the more depressed I think I feel. Of course, she has no clue exactly what it means to be 18. In her mind, she is still 1215 (don't ask), so it's just another day for her. To Mom, it means an end of her childhood by law, but not in her mind. The older she will become the more I worry about her future. The what ifs, the could happens, the where will we be.. sighs... too many worries... Sometimes I am so glad she has no clue... none at all.

Sometimes life is just so hard....

It's been a hard end of the week for me. Kid sprained her ankle badly and I'm trying to figure out if sitter can keep her all week or do I need to take my vacation? My boss and I had words Friday evening, of which, he threatened to fire me. I'm not worried about being fired, he doesn't have the authority to do so but it will make my job that much harder due to his pettiness and childish actions. I'm still having my health problems and that doesn't make things any easier. It's times like this that I wish I had someone in my life to "share" my burdens. I don't need them to take them away, they only make me stronger but just share them so I don't have to carry the load all by myself. Sighs. Such is life.

A single tear....

As she slowly walked away, a single tear fell down her cheek. A tear for remembering what she thought would once last forever, was gone now. A tear for knowing that no matter how hard she looked, hoped, or wanted, there would be no others to fill the hole in her life. A tear for knowing, she was alone and this was all there is or ever will be.....

Thinking again...

I've been doing some thinking lately. I think I will go back to just being by myself online. Spend my time in rooms that no one ask who I am or want to know anything about me. Time to quit caring. Just be alone.

Ever want to shrink and fade into nothingness? or just give up and disappear? Sometimes I wonder why I am still here trying. Trying to live, love, laugh, or care. It's amazing how you hang onto the smallest threads sometimes because if you don't, you will just fall....

It's amazing...

The amount of pain a person can endure and for how long....sighs.

I'm going to live (rats).... grins

Went to the doctor today about my leg pain. Nothing is showing up wrong inside, no circulation problems, no arthritis, just plain old swelling and pain. Apparently I've stressed it due to the bursitis that developed in the other knee and have overstrained it. I've been told to cut out ALL salt (due to swelling), try to lose some weight, and try to put the same amount of weight on both legs...haha, right. The salt I can live without. The weight, I'll try but make no promises. Weight off both legs...not while they hurt I can't. Oh yes, stay off them as much as possible. Hahahaha, funny doctor, huh?

Yammering....

Have you ever walked down an old country road and listened to the birds sing? Have you ever stood on a hill and watched a thunderstorm as it was coming in? Have you ever taken time to listen to your heart and not your head? What happens to all the little pleasures as life's demands take over and runs things? (dont mind me, Im just yammering)

Another Valentine's Day alone. Need I say more?

Smallville, smallville, smallville....

Okay, perhaps it was a dumb thing to do or maybe not but I have been blessed this weekend in watching a Smallville marathon with my daughter. Mom broke down and bought her the Fourth season to watch on DVDs. Of course she has her favorite episodes which she had to watch not once, twice, or even three times but FIVE! The only good part about it all is that each episode lasts about an hour so guess who had time to read a book AND take a nap? Yay for me! I'm not really complaining. I spoil her. I know I do. Anything that puts a smile on her face makes me happy. Being as it is a Monday, I am mentally trying to prepare myself to see what type of work week I have in store for me. I am not working any overtime this week except what little bit I get here and there by clocking in early. I'm almost all caught up (so far) until they bring me more in to do. It does make it nice though, going to work knowing I have a raise, and realizing I am the only one in our department worthy of one. "Patting self on back" Good job, well done! : )

I survived! I think...

Well, January has come and gone. I survived the month. My last count for the 31st was 950 record requests. A first for me! I usually search for about 500 to 600 requests a month so I was slightly over. I ended up developing bursitis in my right knee from the strain. Believe me, it is very painful. I think I am becoming quite attached to my ice pack. The good news is.... I got a raise!!! Second one in six months. Yay for me!! I got a little bit more than I thought I would and I am happy about it. At least they recognize I deserved one without me having to ask for it. Now if they would just fire my none working boss...greedy, aren't I? Life is okay as long as I ignore the aches and pains and the moodiness. Hahahaha right! : )

Can I be worked to death?

This has been such a hard month for me at work. I've had to look for 335 records OVER what I normally would be doing. My total so far is 827 and the month isn't over yet!!!! My body is protesting greatly. Between my knee throbbing and my shoulder hurting again I'm not sure I will make it another day. I am taking this Friday off though. I just need to get out of there. Three days off should help. Hoping to go see my Grandson this weekend but not sure just yet. Where is my dream man that will support me in the style I could become accustomed to???? Haha (kidding) I pride myself on being able to make it on my OWN although I have ONE stubborn friend that refuses to listen to me and has helped me greatly last month. I will admit, it was nice not to have to worry about some things like I usually do in December. My income tax refund should be in this Friday and I am doubling up on house bills so that worry will be gone for a few months also. Somehow, someway, we will survive. : )

Melancholy feelings...

Feeling a tad melancholy today. Not sure why. I need to do so much to this house and I just don't have the energy. It's like why bother? Do the simple things, basic things but just let the rest go. I've been feeling very restless lately. Not a good sign. Means another bout of depression is trying to creep in on me. I won't give in... I can't. The last one about did me in...sighs. If it gets too bad, I will go to the doctor again and get help. Its been a whole year since I've felt this way... was so hoping it would stay gone. Peri-menapause sucks....big time.

Today is not a good day...

I'm weepy, stuffy, tired, oh okay, I'm exhausted... it would be a good day to just go out and .....scream.....sighs

It's a lonely trip sometimes...

Life can be lonely sometimes. Trying to live by your convictions, morals, and values. I've made the decision in my life where I no longer want someone in it just to relieve my physical desires but I want someone who will help me relieve all my desires. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I think I may end up being alone for many more years to come but if that is so, then it's okay too. I just wish people would understand that not everyone is as loose about their lives as they may be. Sex is not all there is..it is just icing after you have had the cake. I want the cake .... not just icing.

A New Year, a new day...

January 1st, 2006! My how time does fly. I've only made one resolution so far this year and it should be very easy to keep. I've decided to just give my life over to God and let Him decide what He wants to do with it. I don't seem to know what I want to do with it so maybe He knows more than I, you think? Other than that, I'm excited to see a New Year begin. Now if I can only figure out how to slow them down just a tad : ) Happy New Year !!