Sometimes life is just so hard....

It's been a hard end of the week for me. Kid sprained her ankle badly and I'm trying to figure out if sitter can keep her all week or do I need to take my vacation? My boss and I had words Friday evening, of which, he threatened to fire me. I'm not worried about being fired, he doesn't have the authority to do so but it will make my job that much harder due to his pettiness and childish actions. I'm still having my health problems and that doesn't make things any easier. It's times like this that I wish I had someone in my life to "share" my burdens. I don't need them to take them away, they only make me stronger but just share them so I don't have to carry the load all by myself. Sighs. Such is life.

A single tear....

As she slowly walked away, a single tear fell down her cheek. A tear for remembering what she thought would once last forever, was gone now. A tear for knowing that no matter how hard she looked, hoped, or wanted, there would be no others to fill the hole in her life. A tear for knowing, she was alone and this was all there is or ever will be.....

Thinking again...

I've been doing some thinking lately. I think I will go back to just being by myself online. Spend my time in rooms that no one ask who I am or want to know anything about me. Time to quit caring. Just be alone.

Ever want to shrink and fade into nothingness? or just give up and disappear? Sometimes I wonder why I am still here trying. Trying to live, love, laugh, or care. It's amazing how you hang onto the smallest threads sometimes because if you don't, you will just fall....

It's amazing...

The amount of pain a person can endure and for how long....sighs.

I'm going to live (rats).... grins

Went to the doctor today about my leg pain. Nothing is showing up wrong inside, no circulation problems, no arthritis, just plain old swelling and pain. Apparently I've stressed it due to the bursitis that developed in the other knee and have overstrained it. I've been told to cut out ALL salt (due to swelling), try to lose some weight, and try to put the same amount of weight on both legs...haha, right. The salt I can live without. The weight, I'll try but make no promises. Weight off both legs...not while they hurt I can't. Oh yes, stay off them as much as possible. Hahahaha, funny doctor, huh?

Yammering....

Have you ever walked down an old country road and listened to the birds sing? Have you ever stood on a hill and watched a thunderstorm as it was coming in? Have you ever taken time to listen to your heart and not your head? What happens to all the little pleasures as life's demands take over and runs things? (dont mind me, Im just yammering)

Another Valentine's Day alone. Need I say more?

Smallville, smallville, smallville....

Okay, perhaps it was a dumb thing to do or maybe not but I have been blessed this weekend in watching a Smallville marathon with my daughter. Mom broke down and bought her the Fourth season to watch on DVDs. Of course she has her favorite episodes which she had to watch not once, twice, or even three times but FIVE! The only good part about it all is that each episode lasts about an hour so guess who had time to read a book AND take a nap? Yay for me! I'm not really complaining. I spoil her. I know I do. Anything that puts a smile on her face makes me happy. Being as it is a Monday, I am mentally trying to prepare myself to see what type of work week I have in store for me. I am not working any overtime this week except what little bit I get here and there by clocking in early. I'm almost all caught up (so far) until they bring me more in to do. It does make it nice though, going to work knowing I have a raise, and realizing I am the only one in our department worthy of one. "Patting self on back" Good job, well done! : )

I survived! I think...

Well, January has come and gone. I survived the month. My last count for the 31st was 950 record requests. A first for me! I usually search for about 500 to 600 requests a month so I was slightly over. I ended up developing bursitis in my right knee from the strain. Believe me, it is very painful. I think I am becoming quite attached to my ice pack. The good news is.... I got a raise!!! Second one in six months. Yay for me!! I got a little bit more than I thought I would and I am happy about it. At least they recognize I deserved one without me having to ask for it. Now if they would just fire my none working boss...greedy, aren't I? Life is okay as long as I ignore the aches and pains and the moodiness. Hahahaha right! : )

Can I be worked to death?

This has been such a hard month for me at work. I've had to look for 335 records OVER what I normally would be doing. My total so far is 827 and the month isn't over yet!!!! My body is protesting greatly. Between my knee throbbing and my shoulder hurting again I'm not sure I will make it another day. I am taking this Friday off though. I just need to get out of there. Three days off should help. Hoping to go see my Grandson this weekend but not sure just yet. Where is my dream man that will support me in the style I could become accustomed to???? Haha (kidding) I pride myself on being able to make it on my OWN although I have ONE stubborn friend that refuses to listen to me and has helped me greatly last month. I will admit, it was nice not to have to worry about some things like I usually do in December. My income tax refund should be in this Friday and I am doubling up on house bills so that worry will be gone for a few months also. Somehow, someway, we will survive. : )

Melancholy feelings...

Feeling a tad melancholy today. Not sure why. I need to do so much to this house and I just don't have the energy. It's like why bother? Do the simple things, basic things but just let the rest go. I've been feeling very restless lately. Not a good sign. Means another bout of depression is trying to creep in on me. I won't give in... I can't. The last one about did me in...sighs. If it gets too bad, I will go to the doctor again and get help. Its been a whole year since I've felt this way... was so hoping it would stay gone. Peri-menapause sucks....big time.

Today is not a good day...

I'm weepy, stuffy, tired, oh okay, I'm exhausted... it would be a good day to just go out and .....scream.....sighs

It's a lonely trip sometimes...

Life can be lonely sometimes. Trying to live by your convictions, morals, and values. I've made the decision in my life where I no longer want someone in it just to relieve my physical desires but I want someone who will help me relieve all my desires. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I think I may end up being alone for many more years to come but if that is so, then it's okay too. I just wish people would understand that not everyone is as loose about their lives as they may be. Sex is not all there is..it is just icing after you have had the cake. I want the cake .... not just icing.

A New Year, a new day...

January 1st, 2006! My how time does fly. I've only made one resolution so far this year and it should be very easy to keep. I've decided to just give my life over to God and let Him decide what He wants to do with it. I don't seem to know what I want to do with it so maybe He knows more than I, you think? Other than that, I'm excited to see a New Year begin. Now if I can only figure out how to slow them down just a tad : ) Happy New Year !!

Journeys..

I've been rereading my blogging entries for the year and I notice a trend of moodiness in there sometimes. This year is coming to a close and all in all, I guess, I can say it's been an okay year. I've lost my ability to write at times but then I wonder, do I just write when I'm depressed? If I'm not writing does this mean I am not depressed? A quandary for sure. I do know that I am changing inside, for the better I think. Trying to become closer to God and less dependent on the things that aren't relevant. I have no clue what the year 2006 will bring. Good things, bad things. I will still in all my power try to remain positive. Write more in here. And dang it, lose some of this gut that grew this year for some reason!!! Happy New Year!!

It came, it went...

Christmas has passed for another year. Time is flying by so quickly these days. I've not done things I've wanted to do, accomplished goals I may have set, nor found the happiness I need to have but all in all it hasn't been a bad year. I have a new Grandson, niece, and nephew...one of my daughters got married, and I made a life change decision that seems to be working for me so far... 2006 is around the corner and I'm ready. For the New Year and new beginnings... Happy New Year!

Holidays, tears, and laughter...

Well, two more days and Christmas will be upon us. I truly get depressed this time of year but I try to hide it behind a facade of good cheer to those around me. I have many things I am blessed with in life but it seems to be the things I am not that I dwell upon the most. I am fortunate to be spending my Christmas Day with my oldest at her house so at least I won't spend the day alone with just the kid. I will try not to dwell too much on the fact that I am alone in my life..sighs. Okay, enough maudlin. Whining time is over. Thank you God for helping me to find friends with whom I needed at the time I needed them and for losing friends that weren't really my friends and did more harm than good. God Bless everyone...

Rant day...

I have elected this day to be a rant day!! I am soooo mad about the way some things are at work. My "boss" and I use this term lightly, did positively absolutely NOTHING today and got paid for it!! To make matters worse, one of our warehouse workers arrived late and spend the day doing absolutely NOTHING with him! I got to work at 7:45 and did not hardly slow down till I punched out at 5pm. Did I say something to those in the know? You bet I did! I know some days you just want to do absolutely nothing but he tends to do those days most everyday. Thinks that if he works for two hours he should be patted on the back and praised. HELLO!!! I work 8 non-stop hours and no one praises me! The biggest complaint from him that really gets me is when he complains he is now only allowed to get 40 hrs a week with no overtime. I have two hours of overtime so far this week (I know how to clock in early but then, I start work when I do that) and the fact that he has none. Thinks no one should have any overtime if he can't get it. HA! Let me get to work at 8am, stand outside for an hour drinking coffee and smoking with the boys, wander around till 10am, take my 20 (suppose to be 10) minute break..etc...I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, something needs to be done soon and if it isn't, I'm staging a mutiny!! (As if) Now if I could just get rid of this major headache from today's stress I would feel great!!!!

Movies and time well spent...

I actually got out of the house today to go watch a movie ALONE! Actually I was suppose to go see "Harry Potter" with the oldest but she didn't feel well so we are putting it off. Instead I went to see, "The Chronicles of Narnia". I've read the whole series of books on that story (which I love) so seeing the movie was just icing on the cake for me. It was great! I liked it so much I would even pay to see it again. Now if I can just figure out where I put those books....