It's a PMS kinda day....sighs...

I am moody today. Feeling melancholy, alone, all the usual bs that goes with these moods. I miss my friend so darn much that I used to talk to. Just seeing his name online made me smile. Amazing how you can meet people online and not ever meet them in real life and yet, they mean so much to you. Sometimes, I just feel so alone....

Happy Birthday to me!

Sometimes, its just too funny...

Some people just have to make me laugh. You talk to them online. Don't see them for a week. Inquire as to their existence and YOU do it wrong. I don't need anyone to entertain me. Disappear for a month, a year, forever, it matters not to me. Just don't assume you mean more to me or that you are so irrestible I can't do without knowing where you are or what you are doing. Some people over estimate their worth and others, sighs, never value themselves enough. It's just too funny sometimes...

Days I hate...

When you are so tired that everything just gets on your nerves.
When you realize the friend you lost, isn't coming back.
When your legs hurt so much you can barely walk.
When you ask yourself, is this all there is?
When you feel really alone....

I lost something very important today...

I lost a friend. He didn't die. Didn't leave town. Just disappeared out of my life due to circumstances beyond his control. I didn't realize how much it would hurt. I should've known though. I am too sensitive to people and care too much. I have another friend that I never see anymore online. I know he is still alive, I get his emails. I miss him too. I hate when life changes on you. Happy as a clam one day and BAM! something just blows it all to shite. I'm seriously considering going off AOL. I keep getting hurt. People disappear on me. Walk away. Get lives. Me, I am stuck in a rut. Yea yea, pity me time, right? Still doesn't stop the tears from falling thinking about my friend I will never see again. Or the ones I rarely see anymore but know they are still around...somewhere. Just makes me realize how alone I truly am. Sighs.

Blasted computers!

After almost two weeks of computer problems and down time, I am finally back online. Had to buy a new motherboard with processor, etc and box. Fortunately my hard drive was still good so have that in here and was able to rescue most of my stuff. Computers, you either hate em or love em!

I tried...

I really did. I open IMs. I made a profile. I even sent out my picture. For what? to be insulted by no responses, to come across many morons? I give up. I will just have to learn to be happy spending my days taking care of my daughter and forgetting about me. I'm sure I'll eventually come to terms with it...just may take some time....

I don't need...

I don't need a man to complete my life...
I need a man to become a part of my life.
I don't need a man to take away my troubles...
I need a man to stand against them with me.
I don't need a man to take away my burdens...
I need a man to help carry the load.
I don't need a man to make me feel beautiful...
I need a man to see that I already am.
I don't need a man to change me...
I need a man to watch me grow.
I don't need a man afraid to show love...
I need a man willing to give love.
I don't need a man afraid to rejoice in the Lord...
I need a man that will.
I don't need a man to feel loved...
I need a man to just love me.

Some days...

I do just fine and then WHAM! I start thinking too much. Hoping too much and just plain wondering why do I even care? sighs...

I sometimes wonder...

At that which I cannot see. Am I being to imaginative or just being me? Are all my dreams fantasies or something that may come true....

20 days and counting...

In 20 days my baby, Miss Thing, will be 18!!!!! The closer that it gets to that day, the more depressed I think I feel. Of course, she has no clue exactly what it means to be 18. In her mind, she is still 1215 (don't ask), so it's just another day for her. To Mom, it means an end of her childhood by law, but not in her mind. The older she will become the more I worry about her future. The what ifs, the could happens, the where will we be.. sighs... too many worries... Sometimes I am so glad she has no clue... none at all.

Sometimes life is just so hard....

It's been a hard end of the week for me. Kid sprained her ankle badly and I'm trying to figure out if sitter can keep her all week or do I need to take my vacation? My boss and I had words Friday evening, of which, he threatened to fire me. I'm not worried about being fired, he doesn't have the authority to do so but it will make my job that much harder due to his pettiness and childish actions. I'm still having my health problems and that doesn't make things any easier. It's times like this that I wish I had someone in my life to "share" my burdens. I don't need them to take them away, they only make me stronger but just share them so I don't have to carry the load all by myself. Sighs. Such is life.

A single tear....

As she slowly walked away, a single tear fell down her cheek. A tear for remembering what she thought would once last forever, was gone now. A tear for knowing that no matter how hard she looked, hoped, or wanted, there would be no others to fill the hole in her life. A tear for knowing, she was alone and this was all there is or ever will be.....

Thinking again...

I've been doing some thinking lately. I think I will go back to just being by myself online. Spend my time in rooms that no one ask who I am or want to know anything about me. Time to quit caring. Just be alone.

Ever want to shrink and fade into nothingness? or just give up and disappear? Sometimes I wonder why I am still here trying. Trying to live, love, laugh, or care. It's amazing how you hang onto the smallest threads sometimes because if you don't, you will just fall....

It's amazing...

The amount of pain a person can endure and for how long....sighs.

I'm going to live (rats).... grins

Went to the doctor today about my leg pain. Nothing is showing up wrong inside, no circulation problems, no arthritis, just plain old swelling and pain. Apparently I've stressed it due to the bursitis that developed in the other knee and have overstrained it. I've been told to cut out ALL salt (due to swelling), try to lose some weight, and try to put the same amount of weight on both legs...haha, right. The salt I can live without. The weight, I'll try but make no promises. Weight off both legs...not while they hurt I can't. Oh yes, stay off them as much as possible. Hahahaha, funny doctor, huh?

Yammering....

Have you ever walked down an old country road and listened to the birds sing? Have you ever stood on a hill and watched a thunderstorm as it was coming in? Have you ever taken time to listen to your heart and not your head? What happens to all the little pleasures as life's demands take over and runs things? (dont mind me, Im just yammering)

Another Valentine's Day alone. Need I say more?

Smallville, smallville, smallville....

Okay, perhaps it was a dumb thing to do or maybe not but I have been blessed this weekend in watching a Smallville marathon with my daughter. Mom broke down and bought her the Fourth season to watch on DVDs. Of course she has her favorite episodes which she had to watch not once, twice, or even three times but FIVE! The only good part about it all is that each episode lasts about an hour so guess who had time to read a book AND take a nap? Yay for me! I'm not really complaining. I spoil her. I know I do. Anything that puts a smile on her face makes me happy. Being as it is a Monday, I am mentally trying to prepare myself to see what type of work week I have in store for me. I am not working any overtime this week except what little bit I get here and there by clocking in early. I'm almost all caught up (so far) until they bring me more in to do. It does make it nice though, going to work knowing I have a raise, and realizing I am the only one in our department worthy of one. "Patting self on back" Good job, well done! : )