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It's happening again. My current job that I love is cloing its APS business. I got really fortunate though because an old boss messaged me and offered me a job. Same rate of pay, 40 hrs a week, weekends off, and insurance within 30 days. God is looking out for us.

Where to begin?

Why is it, just when you think life is going good, it throws you a curveball? Can't we just coast along, minding our own business, and problems just leave us alone? I just want to work, stay home, and be happy. Is that too much to ask?

Life has changed so much...

Where do I start? In August of 2020 both the youngest and I had COVID and a few days before she developed COVID her eyes starting turning very red and bloodshot. Eye doc said pinkeye but I knew it wasn't that but what can you do when she develop COVID a few days later. It took me until October before she quit showing signs of COVID and when I did get her to the eye doc she was already blind with glaucoma. The mom in me feels so bad I couldn't get her in faster to save her eyesight. It is what it is now. She had three eye surgeries to help reduce the pressure and now is on eye drops to keep it down. She is doing good though and adjusting. Me, I found a new job in 2021 and work from home now. I really like it. Been there for over a year and half now and feel like this company really cares about you. My supervisor has our backs and that is great. I use less gas which is even better. Of course, kid still has to go to daycare but its not that bad. The oldest still doesn't talk to me much and I haven't seen my grand babies in about 2 years either. Maybe once or twice but that is it. Still hurts how she treats me but its on her when she goes before God and has to explain why she didn't honor her Mother. That's my life in a nutshell....

Letter from my daughter:
I’m sorry I have hurt you!! Yes, I got your message for my birthday and I thank you for that. My avoidance is due to we can never have a conversation or anything without you asking for money. I have felt like a bank to you when I just don’t get where your money goes or how you can’t want to improve yourself. We will never have the so-called relationship you want, as you ruined that when I was a baby. You have always picked everything or anyone over me. I have always felt like just a burden on you till I moved out. So the relationship was never formed nor do I ever know if it can be. I give you credit for trying and for Doing the basic of parenting but you never have gone out of your way as I do for my kids. My girls know what it is like to have that bond! My girls are blessed to know they can talk to me and even though they are young they will never know what abandonment is. When I was their age I wanted to reach for the stars but had no one telling me “ you can achieve anything you want to “. I never had you backing me up or supporting me in anything!! You have not once cared to attend anything I was apart of nor how my life was going. If you did well you had a funny way of showing it. I’m sorry mom but mine and your relationship will never be mother daughter, only an acquaintance. A mother no matter what the issues never once give her daughter the silent treatment. Even if you think she wants it! A mother never gives up period on her kids!! That unconditional love has never been felt from you. I’m sorry these words hurt, but just know that my daughters are never told they can’t see you or anything. I have never once told you that you can’t see them. I have a busy life and the girls are in activities that unfortunately I was never allowed to do. Yes, I am completely aware I need to forgive and forget about what has happened in my past. Yet I use that as a reminder that I will never let my kids know what that feels like.


So, apparently asking for help with groceries is a no no when her sister and I are struggling. I apparently picked her sister who is mentally challenged over her so I did her wrong. I've never made her feel like a burden, that was all on her. She couldn't reach for the stars because I was too poor to give her every little thing she wanted or thought she had to have but "I deprived her of things." I encouraged her when she played in band, attended her concerts, attended the games she played in, but I never did anything like that in her eyes. I've encouraged her to go to school and get her degree but she forgets that. Tells me I can see her kids, yet, every time I call to try "I'm sorry mom, we have plans" so how am I supposed to see them. Her girls activities that they are allowed to do because they have the money for it. I never did as when she was a child but that's my fault for being poor, I suppose. I am no longer a mom only an acquaintance. I've tried not to give up on her but she shuts me out at every turn. She started shutting me out 9 yrs ago. How am I supposed to try when she makes herself unavailable. Doesn't return phone calls, answers texts?

Well, this acquaintance will no longer try. Just because she is my kid doesn't mean I have to like her. I love her and always will but as soon as my heart mends again, I'll move on from her.

Hmmm....

Been awhile since I've posted..I'm still alive. Still struggling. Still wishing life was better, different, calmer, and just plain easier.

Some days....

Some days its all I can do to hold on to life.....

Self realization...

I have come to the conclusion about myself that I am a people pleaser. I hate to say no, disappoint, or hurt someone even if it causes me discomfort or pain. I don't know if this is a serious flaw or a plus but that's who I am. I don't like conflict, being involved in drama, or telling those I care about no when they request something of me. My impulse to please almost made a situation of goodness possible turn into something ...well, who knows where it could have gone. I am who I am and I don't think I'll ever change at this late in life but I care too much sometimes to say the word NO.