It dawned on me today that I am not the same person I was 30 years ago and I never want to be that person again. All my life I've "given in" or "put aside" what I wanted in life or relationships to please the one I was with and keep them with me. All for what? Only to find at 54 years old I'm still alone?
Thirty years ago I was with a guy who wanted me to do things that went against my grain but because I wanted to please him I said yes. Today, those things still haunt me and prevent me from moving forward with any kind of intimacy. A guy gets too close to me and I run the other way. There is a guy now that wants me to be something I'm not because it's what "he likes" and I just can't do it. I'm all for compromise but to completely give myself over to a guy, I can't do it anymore. It's not in me.
I did things years ago, drugs and sex, that I would never do today. I've changed. For the better, I'm not so sure. I still open myself up to heartache and censure but even though I pretend to be a solitary creature, I'm not. I like having someone to talk to and be with but the idea still scares me to death.
I'm convinced I will die alone with just the kiddo with me. Perhaps, that is better. This way I don't ruin someone's life like mine is ruined....