It's going to be one of those days.....

One of those days that I'm mad at that world, myself, life, and whatever else comes across my path. I've been up and down since 2:30 because of my kid so I now have a headache and I'm bitchy as hell. I know this is supposed to be thankful month but let me try to remember why I am thankful and why I am not.
Not thankful:

For a kid who doesn't sleep so I don't sleep
For being so broke I can't even go visit my best friend at Thanksgiving
For all the broken promises that have ever been made to me
For life in general

Thankful:

For a kid who loves me
For having best friends
For finding out that the broken promises are probably for the best
For life in general

Right now that's all I got. I'm tired of being a Mommy ALL the time. I want to be ME sometimes whatever that is anymore. On days like today I wish I just had someone to hug me and say it's going to be all right. To have just one day where I don't wake up trying to figure out which bill I can put off to do something else I want to do, to have a kid that sleeps through the night, and to just have someone here in my corner for the days I want to scream.

I am most thankful for one of my best friends lest he read this and think I am not. I know you have my back and are in my corner but you are there and I am here and sometimes its a different kind of want.... ya know?

Why it's hard for me to ask for help....

It's so hard to ask for help sometimes. I don't want to feel weak and small to those that matter most. I like to be strong, independent, and confident I can take care of myself and my child. I have to admit, though, that the past few months have been harder than most and I've never had such a hard time just keeping things together and surviving. Too many nights I cry myself to sleep with worry and feelings of being "out of control" the way things are going right now. When I do get help, I may act like it I didn't need it, but I do. I may not show much emotion about it but it's there. I'm thankful so much for the person in my life that can and wants to help me. I don't ever want to take that for granted and I don't. Prideful, I am, but even I have to admit defeat right now. Life is hard, really hard,but I can do this...so thank you from my heart....

Thankful....

Things I remind myself every day I must be thankful for:

1.) My kids
2.) Grand babies
3.) My health (generally healthy)
4.) I have a job
5.) My new tires!
6.) I keep my bills paid
7.) Kids are healthy
8.) I wake up alive
9.) I have a car
and most important-my friends whom I can trust and count on to put up with me when I get all melancholy and annoying.

Sometimes....

Sometimes you look back at your life at what you've done, lost, or accomplished and you wonder, have I done enough, lost enough, or succeeded enough? It's so hard sometimes trying to decide what you need against what you want. I sit and wonder sometimes will I ever truly feel happy again or will I just continue going through the motions of my life trying to make it through another day? I have my lifelines.... my kids, grand babies, and someone dear to me but sometimes I need more. I feel lost in a sea of emotions I can't seem to break through or get rid of. I can only hope its because I'm tired, lonely, and just overwhelmed to feel this badly. It will pass. It must. I'll make it pass one way or another.

October is coming....

October is almost here. I haven't posted in a while because life has been busy. Nothing much has changed, I just try to stay busy. I realized today that my life will never change. It's all I can do to not end it....

It's June already....

Time sure does fly these days. Last post was in February and now it's June. Kidlet goes to OK in two weeks so I get a bit of a break. Not much of one considering I'll still be working but it makes a difference. They took away one of our workers and I'm finding myself doing most of the closing in our program. I guess it means job security but a pain when they email you asking if you will clear today.

Not a lot going on in my personal life. Having some problems but they will work themselves out in the end, I imagine. The romance department still sucks though. I do have a phone friend that I talk to a lot and that is nice but its just a friend thing and won't be anything else. I received my AOL GOLD notice and may be leaving AOL for good in July. I'll be on Wireclub I imagine for a bit of company at times. Other than all this, my life is pretty boring..which is good!

Boy , do I feel sorry....

For those that may wander through these posts. I was reading some of my old posts and I whine. Constantly. When I started this blog I was just beginning menopause. For men out here that read this, it's not very fun. Your body turns into an enemy. Mood swings, hot flashes, weight gain, and just all around be nice to me or I will kill you moods. Thankfully, that part of my life is over. I've never lost the weight, I still have occasionally mood swings, but overall, my life is going okay. Kidlet will be 29 this year. I just can't believe it sometimes.

I'm still single but learning and accepting that is the way things will be in my life. I have a few friends that I love and am close to in life. I wouldn't know what to do without my bestie. I still hate what goes on in the chat rooms and am drawn to them like a moth to a flame sometimes. I quit going in so much though because they make me want to scream sometimes.

My job is changing at work and hoping I can still change with it and go with the flow. Hard to believe I've been there 9 years so far. Longest I've ever been at one job. Who know? I may retire from there.

I won't apologize for any of my previous posts on this blog as its more for me than for others. It's my life, good ... bad... ugly. I cring myself when I read some of them but I don't delete them because that's how I felt at that point in time.

Life is good ...for now.

Do you ever wonder?

What you've done in a past life that makes it so hard to live your current life? The reason why you can't find that one person that will value you above all others and see you for yourself and not some image they've created in their head? I wonder that sometimes.