Could not have said it better....

Written by a friend of mine:

I've lied to so many people. I'm sorry, I am a sensitive person. I let so much get to me and I just keep it bottled up inside until I can't hold it in any more and then I break. I break down like a little bitch and cry uncontrollably to the point I'm dehydrated and my sides hurt and eyes burn, but damn, a person can only take so much. I'm tired of acting like super woman, I'm tired of being super mom, I'm tired of trying to pretend all is right with my world, I'm just tired. Most of all I'm tired of life. I didn't sign up for this shit. I'm tired of being the person. I'm a strong woman don't get me wrong, but I have weak tendencies. And today is one of the days I have let it get to me. Depression is not a joke, it's not a call for attention. The shit it's real life one of the most scary thing you could ever go through. I can't put the feeling into words, but it's alot like having a gun aimed at your head, you get the fight or flight automatic reaction, so you fight and you give your all while fighting, and that doesn't work so you resort to flight, and you hide your problems and run from them, but while running you realize, you've already tried and one thing didn't work so why would another, and you just kinda give up because your damned if you do damned if you don't right? It's wanting to kill yourself but not having the strength to do it, but then your told your strong because you didn't it is literally the feeling of being alone, even though you have all that could ever make a person happy, none of it matters. And it hurts more than anything could ever hurt in a way that nothing has ever hurt before, no this isn't a cry for help, no this isn't a post directed at any one , I just needed to get a small portion of how I feel off of my chest I'm tired of faking, I'm tired of smiling in people's face all day everyday just so I can run to the bathroom and break down and cry 5 minutes later out of jealousy for their happiness. I'm just tired.

April 1st...Fools Day...

Been thinking a lot since last night after a conversation with a friend. Thinking about sometimes I'm so focused on wondering how to do something that involves my daughter that I may seem selfish. I've been doing for her for so long that I can't think any other way. I don't mean to come across as selfish, but I guess I am. Making daydreams about a future that will probably never happen for me because of her and it's okay. If I was by myself, life would be more simple. I could go places when the mood strikes me, I could move to any place I wanted, and I wouldn't be so stressed. But life is what it is...I lie to people about being happy and okay but I'm not. Every day is sometimes a struggle to just want to wake up and put my feet on the ground. Despite those feelings, I still carry on because I have to not because I want to. This weekend is just not a good weekend for me... foolish me.