Journeys..

I've been rereading my blogging entries for the year and I notice a trend of moodiness in there sometimes. This year is coming to a close and all in all, I guess, I can say it's been an okay year. I've lost my ability to write at times but then I wonder, do I just write when I'm depressed? If I'm not writing does this mean I am not depressed? A quandary for sure. I do know that I am changing inside, for the better I think. Trying to become closer to God and less dependent on the things that aren't relevant. I have no clue what the year 2006 will bring. Good things, bad things. I will still in all my power try to remain positive. Write more in here. And dang it, lose some of this gut that grew this year for some reason!!! Happy New Year!!

It came, it went...

Christmas has passed for another year. Time is flying by so quickly these days. I've not done things I've wanted to do, accomplished goals I may have set, nor found the happiness I need to have but all in all it hasn't been a bad year. I have a new Grandson, niece, and nephew...one of my daughters got married, and I made a life change decision that seems to be working for me so far... 2006 is around the corner and I'm ready. For the New Year and new beginnings... Happy New Year!

Holidays, tears, and laughter...

Well, two more days and Christmas will be upon us. I truly get depressed this time of year but I try to hide it behind a facade of good cheer to those around me. I have many things I am blessed with in life but it seems to be the things I am not that I dwell upon the most. I am fortunate to be spending my Christmas Day with my oldest at her house so at least I won't spend the day alone with just the kid. I will try not to dwell too much on the fact that I am alone in my life..sighs. Okay, enough maudlin. Whining time is over. Thank you God for helping me to find friends with whom I needed at the time I needed them and for losing friends that weren't really my friends and did more harm than good. God Bless everyone...

Rant day...

I have elected this day to be a rant day!! I am soooo mad about the way some things are at work. My "boss" and I use this term lightly, did positively absolutely NOTHING today and got paid for it!! To make matters worse, one of our warehouse workers arrived late and spend the day doing absolutely NOTHING with him! I got to work at 7:45 and did not hardly slow down till I punched out at 5pm. Did I say something to those in the know? You bet I did! I know some days you just want to do absolutely nothing but he tends to do those days most everyday. Thinks that if he works for two hours he should be patted on the back and praised. HELLO!!! I work 8 non-stop hours and no one praises me! The biggest complaint from him that really gets me is when he complains he is now only allowed to get 40 hrs a week with no overtime. I have two hours of overtime so far this week (I know how to clock in early but then, I start work when I do that) and the fact that he has none. Thinks no one should have any overtime if he can't get it. HA! Let me get to work at 8am, stand outside for an hour drinking coffee and smoking with the boys, wander around till 10am, take my 20 (suppose to be 10) minute break..etc...I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, something needs to be done soon and if it isn't, I'm staging a mutiny!! (As if) Now if I could just get rid of this major headache from today's stress I would feel great!!!!

Movies and time well spent...

I actually got out of the house today to go watch a movie ALONE! Actually I was suppose to go see "Harry Potter" with the oldest but she didn't feel well so we are putting it off. Instead I went to see, "The Chronicles of Narnia". I've read the whole series of books on that story (which I love) so seeing the movie was just icing on the cake for me. It was great! I liked it so much I would even pay to see it again. Now if I can just figure out where I put those books....

As one goes through life they realize sometimes that dreams won't always be answered and what they thought their life would be like, isn't. They learn to make do. To survive. Or to just cry sometimes....

I know they mean well...

I've been getting "ragged" on a lot lately about finding a new job that offers health insurance instead of the one job I have that doesn't but I like it. Why can't these helpful men see just how hard it would be for me to move? First I would have to find a competent sitter because my child is mentally challenged and leaving her with just anyone won't do it. After I find a sitter, I have to find the job. It doesn't do me any good to find the job first because if I don't have the sitter, I have no job. Relocation: this is a small small town so finding a good job means moving. Excuse me, are you willing to fork over about 2,000 it would take for me to pack up, move, rent a new place, set up utilities, plus survive until the new job starts? Don't get me wrong, I know they all mean well and I do appreciate it but they truly have no clue what moving would be for me. My child does well in her school here. Uprooting her would be traumatic to some degree I am sure. She knows the teacher, the kids, and she has her routine. Maybe after she is out of school I can consider changing occupations, but until then, unless you want to put us up for a few months until I get settled, please be my friend and just listen to me whine without trying to fix it. I love you for trying though... : )

A Day late....

Well, I didn't make the usual entry wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving because I forgot I had this thing! Sad but true. Due to the generousity of a friend, my daughter and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with turkey and fixings. To top it all off, a generousity of a stranger, has helped me to produce a good Christmas for my daughter. This year, I have much to be thankful for after all. Lose some friends, gain some friends. Realize what is right and what is wrong with certain friendships. Friends do because they want to, not because they have to. Friends care no matter what, without forgetting whats important to you. As I meet more new people I realize that those I thought were my friends, weren't. I've not heard from them. I did not expect to. Aw well, what goes around comes around, tenfold. I believe that now. Always.

Two weeks and counting...

Okay, I know I did a good thing. Why is it I am sitting here moping today? Five years down the tubes and its only been two weeks but I still miss the dam man! Okay.. I won't do this. Not worth it. Nope, not gonna. I am better, I deserve better, I need better. Where the hell is the one that's suppose to take his place? sighs...

As I lay here at night I think of things I wished I had done, said, or needed to feel and my only regrets are that I did not open myself up to the passion I know is inside of me. I keep it hidden as if I may not be able to control it once it is let loose. Sometimes though, I am just too tired. Of life, by work, taking care of the kid, to even feel as if I am alive and have needs. Regrets...

I did a brave thing...

The promise I made to myself at the beginning of this year has finally born fruit. Call it stupidity or sheerly stubborn, whichever the case may be, but I finally ended a five year online friendship. A person can be told only so many lies, broken promises, and endure silences up to a point and I've reached mine. I don't care if this is just "online", you still do not treat people badly. I'm not going to belabor all the bad things that happened. I was a fault for tolerating it for so long. I am just going to breathe a sigh of relief that it's over. Done with. Move on. NEXT!

End of October...

It's almost Halloween! I had to choose between buying candy for the sometimes non-existent trick or treaters or buying real food for me and the kid. Guess who won? I will be hiding in my home with the porch light out praying no kid has the balls to ring my doorbell and go, "Trick or Treat"! Then I will be shamed to say, "Sorry, no candy here". Life, truly sucks sometimes. Oh a better note. I am being "chased", maybe that is the word, by a person who seems to be enamored of me. Is he nuts or what? Unfortunately he lives very far away and our only chance of meeting will be if he is true to his word and flies here to see me. (I am sort of wishing he would) We will see.. it's nice though.. having someone calling everyday to see how you are and just to say hello. Been awhile since anyone really cared enough to do that ...sighs...

Create and destroy...

I recently deleted another Journal I had somewhere else. Amazing too because no one said a word. That tells me no one ever reads it anyway. Oh well, I do it for me. Not for the public. Things are going about even keel here right now. I could go either way..off the deep end or just stay laid back. I haven't decided yet. If I lose it, my Journal will be the first to know.

Drats...

I am still here...

If I were to disappear...

If I were to disappear tomorrow, would anyone notice I was gone? If I were to stop caring, would anyone notice I cared at all? If I stopped talking, would anyone notice I even once had something to say? If I no longer exist...would I have made an impression when I was here?

Really strange...

This has been a really strange year for me in some ways. I've either become accustomed to living alone and no longer worry about if someone finds me attractive, witty, or desirable or I am just deluding myself. My oldest got married so now she is officially "not my problem" not that she has been in a long time. Well, she was at age 16, but she has vastly improved in her nature. I would like to think we are good friends as well as mother-daughter. I've been trying to decide which direction I want my life to go next year. The on again off again online friendship I've had for close to five years with someone is coming to a close completely. Where I would once cry about it, I can now safely just sigh and say, "Oh well, such is life". I've been debating about whether to keep AOL or not again. I'm becoming disallusioned with it or maybe I'm outgrowing it, I don't know. Seems to me too many other things are going on in my mind and space that I just don't have time for much of anything anymore. Or I am becoming lazy. Take your pick. Friends that I thought were friends, don't keep in touch. New friends I hoped would be friends, don't keep in touch. No one has time for anyone anymore. I don't have time to be the only one that tries to keep in touch. Friendship is two-sided, not one-sided. I've had enough of being the only side....

Changes...

A lot has been happening lately here. My oldest got married this past weekend. I am so happy it all went without a hitch. No major mishaps nor tears of frustration because something didn't go "just so" for her. She planned an excellent wedding and reception party. I didn't know my child was so talented : ) It was also a sad time for me because I knew she wanted her father to be there and he wasn't alive to do so. His father walked her down the aisle and I know that brought many joyous thoughts to her. Not the same but still all good. I'm back at work now, vacation time is over and I can ask myself, "Am I having fun yet"?

Hurricane Katrina...

I've been reading all the news about Hurricane Katrina and the plight of all those poor people down in Louisiana. Everyday a new story just brings tears to my eyes about the suffering they are going through. I cry at night because I am helpless to help due to just trying to survive myself. I urge anyone that can help them, to help. Be it in prayers, money, food, clothing, or whatever small part you can give. Let's not be a country to ignores those less fortunate but a country who rallies in the wake of disaster. Sighs. More tears.

Throughly disappointed....sighs

I am throughly disappointed in the lack of responses concerning my Yahoo Personal ad. Out of millions of people who may surf looking for a mate, I've only had one response and even that one isn't all that great. He doesn't write much. What are these men actually looking for in a woman? I'm not beautiful but nor am I ugly. I'm no longer have the body of a teenager. I am a grown woman fighting the battle of age and of hormones. I have a job, it does not make me rich but I support myself. I have a mind, I think for myself. They all talk about how they want someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, etc... all those pretty qualities. I am all those and more. True, I have a kid that I must raise for many years to come. She is not a Burden! In all honesty though, I suppose I should be happy that not many did respond because in looking for what I need, is very rare to find....

The Yahoo thing isn't going too great. I've gotten two hello emails and yet, when I write back, no response. Go figure. Maybe I'm too formal. Too polite. Too correct. Too much of me. Nah, that's not it. They are just rude and playing around, I can only guess. Doesn't really matter though. My happiness can only come from me. Not from some sad sack looking for a good time online...