Decisions, decisions...

I've been doing some thinking lately. When I move, I may not get back on AOL. I'll keep my Internet connection and talk to a few via AIM but there's nothing on here for me anymore. I'm just tired of all the fights in the chat rooms. All the empty promises you hear from people. The losses that hurt me to the core. I had a life before AOL and I can have one after... I don't know..we will see.

Life is changing...

My life is fixing to change! I found a new place to rent and hopefully the septic won't back up. The power surges won't blow up my computers and life will once again sail smoothly so I don't lose my mind. I don't get to move until July 1st but I am already busy packing up things I don't use but want to keep. Throwing out things I've kept for some unknown reason but don't really need. Simplifying my life as much as possible. Unfortunately I have to use my vacation time to move but I guess that's all okay. I never go anywhere anyway. Kid will be sent to Oklahomas to stay with a friend that week so when she comes "home" the new place will be it. I think most of my boxes are full of books. I counting at least 15 and that's not counting the trunk of paperbacks I have in my bedroom. I hope to fix up the extra room as a den for me. Make bookshelves, put computer in there, and find a good comfortable chair to lounge in to read. I'm excited. Ready for a change. My life is growing too stagnant. Once the move is over, we will see what other changes I may do for myself. : )

Post Mother's Day and all that Jazz...

Well, I got to see my daughter on Mother's Day. She bought me a set of cross earrings and a delicate yet lovely necklace. This from a child who knows I never wear jewerly. I'd rather get a book certificate to buy books than jewerly. I said all the appropiate things, oooh, how lovely..thanks and hugged her. Wore them to work one day. They now sit in their box they came in and there they will sit until I have an occasion to wear them. As if that will happen.

I'm thinking of taking a break from AOL. See if I can go the whole weekend without once signing on to chat or get my fix. It's not as if anyone will miss me. Who's knows? Maybe I'll even clean the kiddo's room. HA! As if!

Some days...

I think I'm okay and then someone makes a comment, innocently, and I want to cry all over again. I watch and see people talking about things they wouldn't like in a person or would not accept and I realize that so many are looking for perfection. So what if they have to wear dentures? maybe they had childhood problems and they tried to make their teeth last as long as possible but does that make them less desirable? less worthy? So what if they are a little "big". Does that make them less than a person? It just makes me want to cry to realize that in so many people's eyes, I will never be considered desirable. Wanted. Loved. I just want to cry.

I know it doesn't do any good to hate..

But sometimes I truly dislike my husband's side of the family. Because they hate me, they ignore a wonderful child that we BOTH had when we were married. It's not my fault he died. He made that decision but it is their fault they shut her out of their lives. Fortunately her Grandfather isn't so biased. He tries to stay in touch with his Granddaughter and even walked her down the aisle in place of her Father. It makes me hurt so much for her sometimes. There is nothing I can do and everything I want to do for her. I know if she is ever blessed with a child, even though she is having trouble conceiving, they will still ignore her. That's okay. She has me. She has her sister's. Her husband and all his family. They love her. She has her Grandfather for what little time he may have left on this Earth. What or who else does she really need? Sighs...

News and more news...

Found out today from my doctor I have to wear an air cast for my ankle for the next four weeks. I think the doctor has no clue as to why I hurt and she is just grasping at straws. I will give it a try. Anything to get rid of this chronic pain I feel everyday. Sighs. I hate getting old. It sucks. In more ways than one...

Yadda Yadda Yadda....

Enough said...