Saturday, December 30, 2006

I am my own worst enemy...

I cancelled my memberships for Match.com and Yahoo Personals. I was talking to a man from Yahoo Personals that lives near me and we had made arrangements to meet on the 6th but somehow in our conversation the day before yesterday, he was trying to invite himself over for NYE. First of all, no man that I haven't met in public yet is coming over to my house where I reside with a child alone. Second, I asked him what would we do. He said, "Have fun." Maybe I panicked, I don't know. My first thought of when he said, have fun, was that he wanted to wait till kid went to sleep and then we both jump in the bed. I mean, there really isn't anything more to do here than that. I'm not ready for that step. Especially with a man I don't know. I wrote him an email this morning politely telling him I didn't think it would work out. I get the idea he wants someone for a roll in the hay and not someone for life. Granted, sex is a major part of any relationship but you have to get to know each other first. I'm realizing more and more everyday that I'm scared. Scared to take that first step to let someone in my life. Scared of what demands they may make on me that I can't fulfill for them. The idea of anyone seeing me nude right now petrifies me to death. My body isn't pretty. It's not svelte or clear of fat deposits. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror let alone someone else looking at me in person. I realize men and women's perceptions are different when they look at another but I have to get over mine first, I think. I'm lonely but I like living alone. Strange combination, don't you think? For now, I'll keep the world at arm's length while I just try to make do with who I am. Life is way too complicated enough without adding more people into the equation. I was never any good at math anyway...

3 comments:

Dona said...

Hey, I think you made a great choice! I don't think you are your own worst enemy either! I love reading your blog and your views on life. I happened upon it yesterday and decided to start it from the beginning. Nice to see some people still think as I do and take their safety and the safety of their child seriously. Good luck and take care.

SymplyAmused said...

Thanks, I worry every day about her.. not so much about myself, and I should, shouldn't I? : )

Dona said...

Sure, you should worry about yourself.....where would she be if you were not around cause you didn't take precautions? :)