End of October...

It's almost Halloween! I had to choose between buying candy for the sometimes non-existent trick or treaters or buying real food for me and the kid. Guess who won? I will be hiding in my home with the porch light out praying no kid has the balls to ring my doorbell and go, "Trick or Treat"! Then I will be shamed to say, "Sorry, no candy here". Life, truly sucks sometimes. Oh a better note. I am being "chased", maybe that is the word, by a person who seems to be enamored of me. Is he nuts or what? Unfortunately he lives very far away and our only chance of meeting will be if he is true to his word and flies here to see me. (I am sort of wishing he would) We will see.. it's nice though.. having someone calling everyday to see how you are and just to say hello. Been awhile since anyone really cared enough to do that ...sighs...

Create and destroy...

I recently deleted another Journal I had somewhere else. Amazing too because no one said a word. That tells me no one ever reads it anyway. Oh well, I do it for me. Not for the public. Things are going about even keel here right now. I could go either way..off the deep end or just stay laid back. I haven't decided yet. If I lose it, my Journal will be the first to know.

Drats...

I am still here...

If I were to disappear...

If I were to disappear tomorrow, would anyone notice I was gone? If I were to stop caring, would anyone notice I cared at all? If I stopped talking, would anyone notice I even once had something to say? If I no longer exist...would I have made an impression when I was here?

Really strange...

This has been a really strange year for me in some ways. I've either become accustomed to living alone and no longer worry about if someone finds me attractive, witty, or desirable or I am just deluding myself. My oldest got married so now she is officially "not my problem" not that she has been in a long time. Well, she was at age 16, but she has vastly improved in her nature. I would like to think we are good friends as well as mother-daughter. I've been trying to decide which direction I want my life to go next year. The on again off again online friendship I've had for close to five years with someone is coming to a close completely. Where I would once cry about it, I can now safely just sigh and say, "Oh well, such is life". I've been debating about whether to keep AOL or not again. I'm becoming disallusioned with it or maybe I'm outgrowing it, I don't know. Seems to me too many other things are going on in my mind and space that I just don't have time for much of anything anymore. Or I am becoming lazy. Take your pick. Friends that I thought were friends, don't keep in touch. New friends I hoped would be friends, don't keep in touch. No one has time for anyone anymore. I don't have time to be the only one that tries to keep in touch. Friendship is two-sided, not one-sided. I've had enough of being the only side....

Changes...

A lot has been happening lately here. My oldest got married this past weekend. I am so happy it all went without a hitch. No major mishaps nor tears of frustration because something didn't go "just so" for her. She planned an excellent wedding and reception party. I didn't know my child was so talented : ) It was also a sad time for me because I knew she wanted her father to be there and he wasn't alive to do so. His father walked her down the aisle and I know that brought many joyous thoughts to her. Not the same but still all good. I'm back at work now, vacation time is over and I can ask myself, "Am I having fun yet"?

Hurricane Katrina...

I've been reading all the news about Hurricane Katrina and the plight of all those poor people down in Louisiana. Everyday a new story just brings tears to my eyes about the suffering they are going through. I cry at night because I am helpless to help due to just trying to survive myself. I urge anyone that can help them, to help. Be it in prayers, money, food, clothing, or whatever small part you can give. Let's not be a country to ignores those less fortunate but a country who rallies in the wake of disaster. Sighs. More tears.

Throughly disappointed....sighs

I am throughly disappointed in the lack of responses concerning my Yahoo Personal ad. Out of millions of people who may surf looking for a mate, I've only had one response and even that one isn't all that great. He doesn't write much. What are these men actually looking for in a woman? I'm not beautiful but nor am I ugly. I'm no longer have the body of a teenager. I am a grown woman fighting the battle of age and of hormones. I have a job, it does not make me rich but I support myself. I have a mind, I think for myself. They all talk about how they want someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, etc... all those pretty qualities. I am all those and more. True, I have a kid that I must raise for many years to come. She is not a Burden! In all honesty though, I suppose I should be happy that not many did respond because in looking for what I need, is very rare to find....

The Yahoo thing isn't going too great. I've gotten two hello emails and yet, when I write back, no response. Go figure. Maybe I'm too formal. Too polite. Too correct. Too much of me. Nah, that's not it. They are just rude and playing around, I can only guess. Doesn't really matter though. My happiness can only come from me. Not from some sad sack looking for a good time online...

What have I done?

I have willingly or unwillingly, whichever the case may be, put a profile up on Yahoo Personals. Of course, I expect no emails, no undying words of OMG! I need to meet you, nor do I expect it will go on past the one month I decided to shell out for which by the way, could've been put to better use just buying chocolate and engorging myself thus ending this need to totally embarass and cause sheer humilation as others read my profile. I don't do well in dating, can you tell? I do good just to chat in IMs with others. I don't know the nuances, the games, who or how others can pretend to want to chat, only to find out they much rather know, "Hey, did you get laid lately"? So what if it's been five years. Big deal. I'm not dead yet. I'm just, okay, I'm picky dang it. I feel I have the right to be at my age. I've lived long enough where I don't need the bs nor do I want my child to be around some overgrown hormonal can't keep it in his pants man. I deserve romance, kind words, and yes, by god, love. Tell me again why I am on Yahoo Personals?

Happy Fourth of July....a day early

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. We have the freedom to moan, whine, bitch, cry, and/or jump for joy should the occasion arise due to our fighting men and women who insist we enjoy these privileges because they are giving their lives for them. Either way, be happy we have these freedoms when we could be stifled beyond hope, bombed beyond endurance, or dead....

Life is sure funny sometimes...

It's strange that people who can forget you at the drop of the hat always seems to come back into your life as if nothing has happened. Ah well, I refuse to worry over it anymore. Be a cold day in hell before I beg any to talk to me. To laugh with me. To share with me. If it happens, it happens. Life is good with or without someone in it. Way it is, way it always will be. Sighs.

Strange things...

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. We were both discussing why we were alone and what could we do to change it. His problem, and he readily admits it, is that he can't trust women. I've tried to tell him that he needs to quit tarring every woman with the same brush. There are a few of us good ones out there but he's just happened to find all the bad ones. He didn't think that was so funny. He likes me so he tolerates my humor. Myself, I'm just scared. Scared of rejection. Of being told I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or sexy enough for them to want to hang around a while and get to know me. Yea, I know. Self-esteem issues. Been this way for years, think I'm going to change now? Ha!

Odd thoughts...

It's strange sometimes. You wake up with such clarity, vision, and sense that you know where you are in life and it's really okay..but then, as the day goes one, doubts creep in. Seeking little corners of your mind to make you question, are you really as happy as you think you are? content? accepting? settled? At these times, I just wish my brain would shut up!

Dreams shatter...

Turbulent dreams shatter against the still night. Somber thoughts as you realize dreams break into million of tiny pieces. Each piece representing a hope, a desire, a want, if you will. Anyone have Super Glue?

I finally discovered...

I am writing for myself. Not for anyone else as it is apparent no one really gives a damn when or if they read my words. I'm so tired of so many things in life right now. My life, my job, my lack of personal relationships. I sit in this chair online and watch others talk about meeting, talk about how well it went, and all I can do is cry. Maybe it's because I'm so hormonal. I don't know. I could just be tired. Question is, am I too tired for life...? sighs...

Irons in the fire?

I asked a friend today why we don't talk much. His reply, "I'm watching you and I also see you have a lot of irons in the fire right now". Irons in the fire huh? Is that why my phone never rings? No one ever comes over? I have no one to hold me tight when the day has been brutal and I am weary. I talk to quite a few online sometimes. Some I consider really good online friends. But in truth, that's all they are. Online friends. Very few of them stop and ask me how my day was, how I am feeling, or if things are going well for me. I don't expect them to care that much about my life. I care enough for us both. Irons in the fire...it's all just smoke.

I'm still here...somewhere...

Between my job and my kid, not much time for reflecting nor writing..but I am still around.

Decisions, decisions...

Just when I think life is going smoothly, something always becomes the bump in the road. I had a metamorphisis if you will, about my life. For the first time, I'm feeling as if I might have more control over it than I thought possible. The bonds that have been holding me captive for the past four years are slowly slipping away. I don't want to let them go though. For they portray comfort and sameness in my life. Gave me a reason to not move forward. It doesn't matter anymore if I don't end up where I was hoping to go as long as I end up there in the end. I don't need what I thought I needed, I only need me.

Another day, another thought...

I've been extremenly restless as of late. Don't know why though. Is it because I am once again going through that horrible monthly mood time or just becoming more settled in taking what I have in life and not expecting any more? I need to write more. I've been neglectful of late with my muse and my sense of wonder at the directions my mind takes me sometimes. I really don't like feeling this way..empty..restless..alone...