Decisions, decisions...

I've been doing some thinking lately. When I move, I may not get back on AOL. I'll keep my Internet connection and talk to a few via AIM but there's nothing on here for me anymore. I'm just tired of all the fights in the chat rooms. All the empty promises you hear from people. The losses that hurt me to the core. I had a life before AOL and I can have one after... I don't know..we will see.

Life is changing...

My life is fixing to change! I found a new place to rent and hopefully the septic won't back up. The power surges won't blow up my computers and life will once again sail smoothly so I don't lose my mind. I don't get to move until July 1st but I am already busy packing up things I don't use but want to keep. Throwing out things I've kept for some unknown reason but don't really need. Simplifying my life as much as possible. Unfortunately I have to use my vacation time to move but I guess that's all okay. I never go anywhere anyway. Kid will be sent to Oklahomas to stay with a friend that week so when she comes "home" the new place will be it. I think most of my boxes are full of books. I counting at least 15 and that's not counting the trunk of paperbacks I have in my bedroom. I hope to fix up the extra room as a den for me. Make bookshelves, put computer in there, and find a good comfortable chair to lounge in to read. I'm excited. Ready for a change. My life is growing too stagnant. Once the move is over, we will see what other changes I may do for myself. : )

Post Mother's Day and all that Jazz...

Well, I got to see my daughter on Mother's Day. She bought me a set of cross earrings and a delicate yet lovely necklace. This from a child who knows I never wear jewerly. I'd rather get a book certificate to buy books than jewerly. I said all the appropiate things, oooh, how lovely..thanks and hugged her. Wore them to work one day. They now sit in their box they came in and there they will sit until I have an occasion to wear them. As if that will happen.

I'm thinking of taking a break from AOL. See if I can go the whole weekend without once signing on to chat or get my fix. It's not as if anyone will miss me. Who's knows? Maybe I'll even clean the kiddo's room. HA! As if!

Some days...

I think I'm okay and then someone makes a comment, innocently, and I want to cry all over again. I watch and see people talking about things they wouldn't like in a person or would not accept and I realize that so many are looking for perfection. So what if they have to wear dentures? maybe they had childhood problems and they tried to make their teeth last as long as possible but does that make them less desirable? less worthy? So what if they are a little "big". Does that make them less than a person? It just makes me want to cry to realize that in so many people's eyes, I will never be considered desirable. Wanted. Loved. I just want to cry.

I know it doesn't do any good to hate..

But sometimes I truly dislike my husband's side of the family. Because they hate me, they ignore a wonderful child that we BOTH had when we were married. It's not my fault he died. He made that decision but it is their fault they shut her out of their lives. Fortunately her Grandfather isn't so biased. He tries to stay in touch with his Granddaughter and even walked her down the aisle in place of her Father. It makes me hurt so much for her sometimes. There is nothing I can do and everything I want to do for her. I know if she is ever blessed with a child, even though she is having trouble conceiving, they will still ignore her. That's okay. She has me. She has her sister's. Her husband and all his family. They love her. She has her Grandfather for what little time he may have left on this Earth. What or who else does she really need? Sighs...

News and more news...

Found out today from my doctor I have to wear an air cast for my ankle for the next four weeks. I think the doctor has no clue as to why I hurt and she is just grasping at straws. I will give it a try. Anything to get rid of this chronic pain I feel everyday. Sighs. I hate getting old. It sucks. In more ways than one...

Yadda Yadda Yadda....

Enough said...

It's a PMS kinda day....sighs...

I am moody today. Feeling melancholy, alone, all the usual bs that goes with these moods. I miss my friend so darn much that I used to talk to. Just seeing his name online made me smile. Amazing how you can meet people online and not ever meet them in real life and yet, they mean so much to you. Sometimes, I just feel so alone....

Happy Birthday to me!

Sometimes, its just too funny...

Some people just have to make me laugh. You talk to them online. Don't see them for a week. Inquire as to their existence and YOU do it wrong. I don't need anyone to entertain me. Disappear for a month, a year, forever, it matters not to me. Just don't assume you mean more to me or that you are so irrestible I can't do without knowing where you are or what you are doing. Some people over estimate their worth and others, sighs, never value themselves enough. It's just too funny sometimes...

Days I hate...

When you are so tired that everything just gets on your nerves.
When you realize the friend you lost, isn't coming back.
When your legs hurt so much you can barely walk.
When you ask yourself, is this all there is?
When you feel really alone....

I lost something very important today...

I lost a friend. He didn't die. Didn't leave town. Just disappeared out of my life due to circumstances beyond his control. I didn't realize how much it would hurt. I should've known though. I am too sensitive to people and care too much. I have another friend that I never see anymore online. I know he is still alive, I get his emails. I miss him too. I hate when life changes on you. Happy as a clam one day and BAM! something just blows it all to shite. I'm seriously considering going off AOL. I keep getting hurt. People disappear on me. Walk away. Get lives. Me, I am stuck in a rut. Yea yea, pity me time, right? Still doesn't stop the tears from falling thinking about my friend I will never see again. Or the ones I rarely see anymore but know they are still around...somewhere. Just makes me realize how alone I truly am. Sighs.

Blasted computers!

After almost two weeks of computer problems and down time, I am finally back online. Had to buy a new motherboard with processor, etc and box. Fortunately my hard drive was still good so have that in here and was able to rescue most of my stuff. Computers, you either hate em or love em!

I tried...

I really did. I open IMs. I made a profile. I even sent out my picture. For what? to be insulted by no responses, to come across many morons? I give up. I will just have to learn to be happy spending my days taking care of my daughter and forgetting about me. I'm sure I'll eventually come to terms with it...just may take some time....

I don't need...

I don't need a man to complete my life...
I need a man to become a part of my life.
I don't need a man to take away my troubles...
I need a man to stand against them with me.
I don't need a man to take away my burdens...
I need a man to help carry the load.
I don't need a man to make me feel beautiful...
I need a man to see that I already am.
I don't need a man to change me...
I need a man to watch me grow.
I don't need a man afraid to show love...
I need a man willing to give love.
I don't need a man afraid to rejoice in the Lord...
I need a man that will.
I don't need a man to feel loved...
I need a man to just love me.

Some days...

I do just fine and then WHAM! I start thinking too much. Hoping too much and just plain wondering why do I even care? sighs...

I sometimes wonder...

At that which I cannot see. Am I being to imaginative or just being me? Are all my dreams fantasies or something that may come true....

20 days and counting...

In 20 days my baby, Miss Thing, will be 18!!!!! The closer that it gets to that day, the more depressed I think I feel. Of course, she has no clue exactly what it means to be 18. In her mind, she is still 1215 (don't ask), so it's just another day for her. To Mom, it means an end of her childhood by law, but not in her mind. The older she will become the more I worry about her future. The what ifs, the could happens, the where will we be.. sighs... too many worries... Sometimes I am so glad she has no clue... none at all.

Sometimes life is just so hard....

It's been a hard end of the week for me. Kid sprained her ankle badly and I'm trying to figure out if sitter can keep her all week or do I need to take my vacation? My boss and I had words Friday evening, of which, he threatened to fire me. I'm not worried about being fired, he doesn't have the authority to do so but it will make my job that much harder due to his pettiness and childish actions. I'm still having my health problems and that doesn't make things any easier. It's times like this that I wish I had someone in my life to "share" my burdens. I don't need them to take them away, they only make me stronger but just share them so I don't have to carry the load all by myself. Sighs. Such is life.

A single tear....

As she slowly walked away, a single tear fell down her cheek. A tear for remembering what she thought would once last forever, was gone now. A tear for knowing that no matter how hard she looked, hoped, or wanted, there would be no others to fill the hole in her life. A tear for knowing, she was alone and this was all there is or ever will be.....