This says it all...

When you’re a plus size woman, people like to say "Yeah, she's cute in the face." As if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! There's more to me than my weight, I also have a heart. Yes, my clothes may be a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight. So don’t think your small frame gives you more pull, I’m a fabulous curvy woman with a figure that's full!!

Three more days...

Three more days until we move to the new place. I'm so ready to go. Almost all packed except a few things in the kitchen and this computer. I wont' have Internet access until I find a new provider but hopefully that won't take too long. Kidlet is out of town for two weeks while I make this move for us. One less stress and worry about things. Now, if it would only hold off on the freaking RAIN until I get everything out of here!!

Life changes....

Life is going to be changing again for us. I found a place in next town for us to live that has all the things I wanted ... 2 bedroom/ 1 bath..washer and dryer connection. I am so excited to be finally moving over there because I've been wanting to for years now. It is closer to my work, daycare for kidlet, and more shops and food places. I've been slowly getting packed up but there is barely any room to put anything I pack up right now. I'm downsizing again once more by getting rid of things I don't want or need. I'm putting my personal life, what there is of it, on hold until we move. Life is ever changing...

Random musing and jibberish...

I've been thinking a lot lately about disappearing from people's lives and just going back to me and the kidlet only. Why? Because I don't like it when someone tries to "fix" things for me as if I'm incompetent or if someone tells me "my problems are trivial compared to others." Who needs to feel incompetent or unimportant? True, my life is sort of in a shambles right now. Praying I get the okay to move to a new place, packing, figuring out how to afford the higher rent, making sure the kidlet is okay while doing all of this "adulting." I don't place a high priority on other people right now and I feel as if I somehow being called to task over it because my life and my kid are more important. I don't always have time to play or tease or be light hearted when all I really want to do is crawl in bed, curl up, and cry. When you talk to other people, you have to be witty, charming, and tend to their needs before your own, and honestly, I'm not sure I have the energy or the strength to do that and I don't want to offend anyone. I just want chat about a bunch of nothing to take my mind off what I have going on but it tends to get personal when I don't want it to be. Let's be honest here. I'm 215lbs of fat, jiggling fat...I have no teeth unless I wear my dentures (which god forbid, women find this out because then it's ewwww), and I have the kid. I have no energy except to do what I need to do in life and that is about it. I don't feel sexy, wanton, or desired except as a conquest by a few people. Being around people who constantly talk about how their diets keep them lean and trim and anyone can lose weight is not my idea of a fun time. If I don't have the time and energy now how the hell am I going to have the time and energy to exercise and do other fun exciting things? I'm sure those that read this will think I'm such a whiner but it reality, I am just venting because no one truly understands the strain I am sometimes under. It's my life, my problems, and they matter. Even if some don't think they do....if people only knew how hard it is sometimes to just NOT take the whole bottle of Trazodone....

Being needy...

Is it being needy to want someone to hold you sometimes, just to feel that closeness next to you? Is it being needy to want to have someone to lean on once in a while and maybe "rescue" you from your problems but not too much? Is it being needy to just want someone in your life at all?

I think I made ONE big huge mistake...

I made such a big mistake going back online to AOL. I only wanted to find adult conversation and instead find myself tied up in more knots than I know what with in life. Yes, Men. I think I prefer going back to my solitary life where I don't have to worry about trying to please someone else, be something I'm not, and settle for things I can't have. I didn't have a bad life. I was alone and didn't take any shit from anyone. I need that back. I need to stay alone. Forget being happy with someone and just be happy with me and kidlet. Yep, that's what I need.

May the 4th be with you..yadda...yadda...yadda

Supposed to be a Stars Wars kind of day...not my cup of tea but they aren't bad movies. Not much going on right now. I guess all's quite on the open front is good news. Smashed my poor little pinky in the car door last Friday but finally feeling better. A little numb on the edge of it but otherwise it's all good. Just haven't felt like writing lately. Still same old problems, same old day... later...

Happy Birthday to me!

It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to... I'm 54 today. Where has time gone? It's going by faster and faster every year and every year on my birthday I promise myself there will be changes. Do I keep that promise? No. I break promises only to myself not to others. I wonder why that is? Maybe because I know I will forgive myself while someone else might not? Anyway, I have to work today and not really celebrating the day. This is the only day of the year I really like surprises, otherwise, I don't like them. I hope someone surprises me today with something nice and unexpected. Anything... a card, flowers, candy, cake, or a hug. I'm easy...haha.

A thousand years...

A Thousand Years

I swear I'm not bitter...

I swear I am not bitter or a prude. I have noticed that a lot of my posts lately are rants or dislikes of things I find on AOL. I am seriously not bitter nor am I a prude, I just am frustrated at the lack of conversation skills I find online. I am very much a woman who likes intimacy but doesn't want to be just used for that nor do I want to be taken advantage of by those pretending to like me but disappearing after they seemingly get whatever it is they were after from me. Please feel free to ask to IM, intrigue me, make me laugh, and above all remember, I am a person, not a sex object. This is the last post I'll make on this subject for I am getting tired of repeating myself and for anyone who reads this, I'm sure you are getting tired of reading it. I can't always promise to post happy pretty thoughts for on many days, dark thoughts run through my head sometimes as life tends to get shitty, but I will promise to not berate this subject any longer. Please feel free to leave comments on my posts. It's nice to know someone is actually reading this nonsense sometimes... : )

AOL chatroom rules to live by.....or IMs

1. Never give a guy what they want. The minute you do, they disappear.
2. Never share personal problems.
3. Always be chipper, fun, and great to talk too...even if you are crying inside. No one wants a Debbie Downer.
4. Never think anyone is serious about you.
5. Unless you meet in person, trust no one or trust very few.
6. Life is a bitch, don't be one online.

The Cold Hard Truth...

I was laying in bed thinking this evening that of all the guys I talk to (and the list is small) that not one of them ever inquires as to my kidlet's well being. Several of them have expressed interest in meeting with me but I don't think they care at all about my true life. They may have some ultimate fantasy about what will happen when we meet but that may not be true. It truly saddens me to face the cold hard truth that they don't care enough about me or my life to inquire about such a major part of it. Nothing major needs to be asked, just a simple, "how's the kidlet today?" would suffice. A hard truth to realize...sighs.

All's quiet on the home front...mostly..

Life is moving along with good news and bad news. Found out that my rent IS going up and I owe back rent ..sheesh I just can't catch a break. Have to move again in August too...sighs. Good news is I am still alive. Not much else going on right now and just too tired to write tonight. Back soon!

I hate this...

I hate being depressed. Sucks the life right out of you. I just can't stop crying tonight for some reason. It's pity party time, I guess. I had better dreams for my life than this...I wanted to be married, have my own house, a job if I wanted to work or option to stay home. I never imagined I'd be single at (almost) 54 with no end in sight. I miss being with someone. I miss someone caring about what is going on in my life. Ah, shit...going to stop now. Gotta shake this off and fast...!!!

Says it all...

I hate...

Insomnia! I haven't had this in months and tonight my mind won't shut off and I can't sleep. I'll be so tired today...sighs.

It's amazing...

I was looking back through some of my older posts in 2010. That's the year Lauren had the twins. She wasn't talking to me much that year and I've only lately found out because it was from marital problems and wasn't me. Lauren is private. A lot more private than I am but as strong and independent like me. Neither one of us ever want to be "rescued" but prefer to try to make life work on our own. She's having personal problems right now in her life and for once, coming to Mom to talk them out and make decisions. She's not always happy with my advice or ideas but she does listen to them. I've always wanted to be much closer to her because we've had some hard times in our lives between us. Maybe, now, this is our chance. As for privacy, I like write. I always have. I find that if I write down how I feel and get some measure of relief from the pressures of life. I am always under so much pressure. I have to work, support me and the kidlet, get out of debt, and just keep things on an even keel. I can't handle stress at all. I try to live in a no drama zone. The last time I was stressed I broke out in a bad itchy rash. Isn't that just crazy? My stress level goes external at least and not internally where it could do more harm than good. One of these days I know I'll get everything I want in life but until GOD decides when that will be, I'll just have to be content with my lot in life. It's not such a bad life after all sometimes...

Rerun...

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like... Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

Ten needs...

Ten Needs of Special Need Parents I think there are so much more but this is a very basic list...

Something to smiile about...

My babies and the kidlet with her friend at daycare...