Chat Room Annoyances...

I usually go in a chat room in the mornings but lately, with all the politics, it seems everyone is at each others throats. Not everyone will agree with everyone else on regard as to which person they are backing and last time I checked, that is their right! To call someone out and be just hateful and rude because they don't answer as you think they should is..well..just petty. I remember why I left AOL five years ago and it's slowly going to happen again. I've made a few friends that I hope I will stay in touch with but overall, I won't miss the petty, hateful, mean, bitchy, and small mindedness of some of the people I've come across. Life is too short for hate...I don't want my remaining years to become so bitter that I forget the good I have and the waste it with those that drag others down. Life is for laughing, living, and loving...I'm going to do that for myself.

Every once in a while...

I get a glimpse, a taste if you will, of what life could be like with someone else in mine. The opportunity to have someone to share my days with, to talk to about everything, to be intimate. Every once in a while I get that glimpse...then its gone.

Rerun of a rerun...

I'm posting this (again) because I truly like it and I'm tired of trying to find it on this blog when I want it..just go with it.

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like...
Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

It's 3:11 am...

I'm awake. Why, I don't know. My mind races sometimes thinking about the direction my life has gone. The people that come and go. I don't always understand why people leave my life but I guess as with all things, I have no control over it. You let them go because you have to do so. All the while wishing things were different, could be different. New people come and take their place. You just wait to see what happens. Will they stay or will they go? It's hard to trust anyone when you are always abandoned. Build that wall, pretend to be happy so no one really sees the pain. Carry on your life just existing because that's all you can do. Work, home, sleep. Existing. I don't want to die alone but as each day passes this is looking more and more life an inevitable part of my life. Going to be a tough day today....

I can't..

I can't be what you want...
I can't be what you want.
I can't be all things to you. In being all things to you, I lose sight of me.
I can't be what you want. I can't give up my independence.In losing my independence, I lose my sense of self.
I can't be what you want. I can't be the love of your life, if I don't feel love.
I don't want to care. I can't. Don't ask me to be what you want. Don't ask me to be what you need. I can't.

My List..

I made this list back and 2006 and it still holds up to what I want in life...


1.) You must honor my independence. I'm not overly needy in the fact that I need to be saved from every crisis that comes my way. Offer your advice but don't be pissed off if I don't follow it. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a demand that I follow it and if it is, you don't need to be here.

2.) Realize that I have feelings too. Words have the ability to cut me to the quick. I realize people have fights but try to keep an eye on what you are fighting about when doing it. Don't throw in stuff that has no relevance to the fight at hand. Past mistakes are just that, past mistakes.

3.) Don't be surprised that I don't wear makeup (very rarely although I do own some, I think) and that I'm not comfortable in dresses. (I do own some, I think) I'm very down to earth and am more comfortable in a pair of jeans or sweats. I've lived that way for 54 yrs now and I seriously doubt I will become comfortable turning into someone I'm not now. I do know how to dress up, I prefer not to.

4.) Don't be surprised if I read at any time, any where. It's not a reflection on you. It's my way of destressing myself. Closing myself off from my surroundings so I can regroup. My alone time. I don't need to be entertained every second of every day. Better yet, if I need to read, Go watch sports, I won't mind.

5.) I don't like to go out except to dinner, movies, or to browse through book stores. I do occasionally like flea markets and antique shows. I'm not a social butterfly. I do better in small groups. I'm quite happy staying at home or going out with a few close friends. Large crowds and I do not get along very well. I tend to blend as far into the woodwork as I can get.

6.) I have secrets. I have a past. Don't expect me to share them all. If I do, do NOT ever throw them back into my face. I'm 54 years old and I was not a NUN the whole time.

7.) I will say that I prefer intelligence. I cannot bring myself to be with someone who does not read, can't converse, or doesn't know the difference between able have a thought and parroting thoughts of others.

8.) Looks. They truly are not important if you've managed to impress me in other ways. No one is perfect. I am not. We all have our demons. We are too fat, skinny, short, tall, or just plain. Beautiful people scare me. I admire them but I worry there isnt much more there than that. IF that sounds bad, I'm sorry. It's just me.

9.) You have to love kids. Truly enjoy being around them. I have a mentally challenged child. She isn't going away. I'm not shipping her off to a home unless that becomes a must which I doubt. Her wants and needs always come before my own or anyone else's. IF you can't accept that, don't even bother me.

10.) Learn to live with a woman moods. I am post-menapausal and I am dissatisfied with my body, self, and moods. I understand this. I accept it. It's part of the cycle of life and it will eventually right itself. This is mostly the reason I do live alone. (Update-the moods are gone, the rest of it went to crap)

Most importantly, be yourself. I don't want someone perfect. I do need someone with a job. I have one, you have one too. I'm sure there are a dozen other things a person looks for in someone but these, I think, are the most important to me. Good luck! : )

It's just too funny....

Someone gave me such a good laugh this evening. I was accused of being a drama queen because I expected them to share their phone number with me since I shared mine. Number one rule you learn on AOL: If a man doesn't share his number, he is either married or living with someone. It was just too funny to not share because for those who truly know me, a drama queen I am not. I wasn't born yesterday, I've been around the block a time or two, so saying I'm obsessing over a reasonable request to share your phone number...and a drama queen! Give me a break you are married!

Heartbroken....

My heart is heavy and feeling broken at the thought of losing my father in law. While we haven't really stayed in touch much after my husband died, I've always loved him and have the utmost respect for him. My daughter, his grand daughter, is hurting so much right now. The only comfort she has is that she got to see him today and, maybe, say her good byes to him. We don't expect him to last much longer and at the age of 95, he's probably ready to go. Lauren, my daughter, said she told him just one thing, "If he's ready to go home, go, but when he goes, to please say hello to her father for her when he goes home." It's times like these that I hate the fact that her father died. He's missed so much of her life by leaving us when she was only 6 months old. While I try to comfort her with the possibility of this upcoming loss in her life, I also have to be aware it will be like losing her father all over again. This is her Grandpa, her daddy's father, once he's gone, she's lost the last tangible thing to her father. She has Aunts and Uncles on that side, but it's not the same as losing her daddy's daddy. My heart hurts for her so much....

It's days like today....

When I am tired and exhausted and it makes me question my judgement of where my life needs to go. Do I keep the status quo or do I let someone in only to be hurt again because sometimes I just want an adult to talk to instead of a kidlet. I've decided that if I do want a man in my life, he better be my best friend. I want someone I can laugh with and talk to way after the body parts no longer work right. Sex is great but have a lasting relationship of mutual respect and admiration can go a long way with me. If you think that I am only here as a FWB, think again, I can do without it. Already have for years now..what's a few more?

Note to self....

Self, you really aren't all that important in the grand scheme of life. Just a drop in the bucket or a sand in time.

Another one bites the dust....

I've been talking to someone online lately as it's been feeling like deja vu all over again. I've done this before... Waiting on a man to come online to talk to me, waiting for a man to call me, waiting... I don't have his number even though he had mine. First sign a man is involved with someone else, they don't share their phone number. They only call when in their car. They only talk to you while they are at work. Last night was enough. Game over. No more chances. I don't need the bullshit. Don't want the bullshit. Carry on to some other fool because this woman is NOT so desperate that she needs YOU in her life. Nope, not happening. See ya....NOT!

I can tell...

It's going to be one of those "bad days." I try to keep busy to keep my mind from thinking too much but I don't always succeed. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish my life had gone in other directions. I think about the people I've met, lost, or may meet and wonder is it all worth it to put myself out there and let the wall down. I had let it down for someone and they hurt me. So back up it goes! If you get past it, consider yourself a part of my life I rarely share, me. If you don't, you probably won't really miss it anyway. No more over-sharing or letting loose. Back to closed up little old me. It's safer that way.

I wonder why...

People come and go in your life without any explanation? I had an online friend that just, for some reason, decided to quit talking to me. I don't know what I did, or why they did, or what happened but they just stopped. I'm not going to beg them for an answer though because if they feel they can't talk to me anymore, it's on them, not me. I don't beg anyone to be a part of their life. I know I'm a good person and people should want to be a part of my life. You can't make people want, like, or love you. Whatever they have going on in their life, I wish them the best. I truly do for they are a great person, even if they had trouble seeing it for themselves. It just makes me sad I won't be talking to them anymore...sighs.

It's so sad....

When you meet an articulate, smart, and nice looking man online only to find out that he's no different than any other man you've met online so far. Twenty minutes into a conversation and he wants to talk about sex. I let it slide the first time but when he offers to "gift" me to talk sex with him which would make me a "whore" of sorts then I just cut it off. It's so sad because I could've have liked him for himself and he didn't have to "buy" affection or tell his net worth to make himself likable. I hope in the future he learns that the way to a woman's heart isn't about money, sex, or what he can give her but what he can give of himself and how he makes her feel when she is talking to him or with him. True happiness is found in the little things, not the big things, or making a woman feel whorish. Sad..so sad....

This says it all...

When you’re a plus size woman, people like to say "Yeah, she's cute in the face." As if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! There's more to me than my weight, I also have a heart. Yes, my clothes may be a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight. So don’t think your small frame gives you more pull, I’m a fabulous curvy woman with a figure that's full!!

Three more days...

Three more days until we move to the new place. I'm so ready to go. Almost all packed except a few things in the kitchen and this computer. I wont' have Internet access until I find a new provider but hopefully that won't take too long. Kidlet is out of town for two weeks while I make this move for us. One less stress and worry about things. Now, if it would only hold off on the freaking RAIN until I get everything out of here!!

Life changes....

Life is going to be changing again for us. I found a place in next town for us to live that has all the things I wanted ... 2 bedroom/ 1 bath..washer and dryer connection. I am so excited to be finally moving over there because I've been wanting to for years now. It is closer to my work, daycare for kidlet, and more shops and food places. I've been slowly getting packed up but there is barely any room to put anything I pack up right now. I'm downsizing again once more by getting rid of things I don't want or need. I'm putting my personal life, what there is of it, on hold until we move. Life is ever changing...

Random musing and jibberish...

I've been thinking a lot lately about disappearing from people's lives and just going back to me and the kidlet only. Why? Because I don't like it when someone tries to "fix" things for me as if I'm incompetent or if someone tells me "my problems are trivial compared to others." Who needs to feel incompetent or unimportant? True, my life is sort of in a shambles right now. Praying I get the okay to move to a new place, packing, figuring out how to afford the higher rent, making sure the kidlet is okay while doing all of this "adulting." I don't place a high priority on other people right now and I feel as if I somehow being called to task over it because my life and my kid are more important. I don't always have time to play or tease or be light hearted when all I really want to do is crawl in bed, curl up, and cry. When you talk to other people, you have to be witty, charming, and tend to their needs before your own, and honestly, I'm not sure I have the energy or the strength to do that and I don't want to offend anyone. I just want chat about a bunch of nothing to take my mind off what I have going on but it tends to get personal when I don't want it to be. Let's be honest here. I'm 215lbs of fat, jiggling fat...I have no teeth unless I wear my dentures (which god forbid, women find this out because then it's ewwww), and I have the kid. I have no energy except to do what I need to do in life and that is about it. I don't feel sexy, wanton, or desired except as a conquest by a few people. Being around people who constantly talk about how their diets keep them lean and trim and anyone can lose weight is not my idea of a fun time. If I don't have the time and energy now how the hell am I going to have the time and energy to exercise and do other fun exciting things? I'm sure those that read this will think I'm such a whiner but it reality, I am just venting because no one truly understands the strain I am sometimes under. It's my life, my problems, and they matter. Even if some don't think they do....if people only knew how hard it is sometimes to just NOT take the whole bottle of Trazodone....

Being needy...

Is it being needy to want someone to hold you sometimes, just to feel that closeness next to you? Is it being needy to want to have someone to lean on once in a while and maybe "rescue" you from your problems but not too much? Is it being needy to just want someone in your life at all?

I think I made ONE big huge mistake...

I made such a big mistake going back online to AOL. I only wanted to find adult conversation and instead find myself tied up in more knots than I know what with in life. Yes, Men. I think I prefer going back to my solitary life where I don't have to worry about trying to please someone else, be something I'm not, and settle for things I can't have. I didn't have a bad life. I was alone and didn't take any shit from anyone. I need that back. I need to stay alone. Forget being happy with someone and just be happy with me and kidlet. Yep, that's what I need.