Something to smiile about...

My babies and the kidlet with her friend at daycare...

Kind of sucks...

When you try so hard to make it in this life and survive only to be knocked down once again...Found out today that I "make too much money" to live in my current housing and my rent will be going up and I'll have to find another place to move once lease expires. I'd like to know where this too much money stuff actually is because its not in my pocket. I am trying to get rid of debt that I had to create two years ago when my job cut my hours and now that. I can't win. All I can do is hand it over to God and hope he has something better planned for me because right now I don't see it. If it was only me in this life, I could live in my car but it's not. The kidlet need shelter, food, clothing, warmth, etc.. I do it all for her. So God, if you are listening, can you help me out once again? I really need it. Thanks.

Judge not...least you be judged...

As I was cleaning house today I was thinking back to a room conversation. Well, several of them actually. In each one, someone had said something negative toward me because my opinion was different from their own. One even asked me what was wrong with me. As if, my views, were no more important than her own because I didn't agree with her. Let's get one thing straight..I am my own person. I have my own thoughts. I pay my own bills. I live my own life. If my views do not match yours, I do not judge you nor do I think less of you for them. I love a good debate. If my views turn yours so be it. If your views turn mine so be it but do not ever assume that I will change solely based on the case that I want to be "one of the crowd." I never have been and I never will be. Please, if you don't agree with me, that is fine. I will not judge you for it. Do not judge me for my views either as they are mine and only mine.

Why ..oh ..why....

Do men just not get me? What is so hard to understand that I have NO desire whatsoever to have sex, talk about sex, or even elude to sex ONLINE. Is it really that difficult to get that they are complete STRANGERS to me. It's like going down the street and grabbing the first guy I see and saying, "Hey, let's go fuck!" It's NOT going to happen. EVER. So stop..for the love of God, just stop! If I'm good enough to try to have online sex talk or talk about wanting to meet me in person to screw, am I not good enough to even get to know first? That's the problem. I am never just good enough. Never enough. I had this problem with my ex bf. I just wasn't enough. I'm tired of NOT being enough. I want to be it ALL. Always. Forever. Amen.

Differences of opinions...

It was an interesting night in the chat room this evening. One topic was the subject of birth control and who should be responsible for it, man or woman? Personally, I think a woman should be in charge of her own body and birth control. If you are mature enough to have sex with a man you should be mature enough to not assume a man "should take care of it." Be independent and in charge. Buy your own method of birth control and use it. What really strikes me as funny? This is in a room where some if not all of the women should be post menopausal or starting to be menopausal. Birth control is NOT a factor after that. Safe sex is a factor. If you are a woman, would you truly trust a guy to safeguard your body and have your interests at heart. I think not. I think they would just say, "Oh, don't worry about it. I'm safe." Women, never assume anyone is safe unless you've personally gone with them to see them tested and pick up the results. Take charge of your body and buy your own protection. It's could be a decision between life and death. Literally.

The Art of Conversation...

I know I have ranted on this before somewhere in this blog but it bears repeating over and over again... Where has the Art of Conversation disappeared to? I recently started going back on AOL and I've yet to wonder if maybe that was a mistake on my part AGAIN! While it is nice to reconnect with online friends I have seen or chatted with in a long while it's the MEN to whom this rant is about (sorry guys). I started going back to AOL to see if I could find some rare much needed adult conversation that didn't involve the words, "Mom...Mom..." those with kids can fill in the blanks. I have been fortunate to find a few that still believe conversations should and can be about books, art, music, life, dream, hopes, and just day to day dealings. These few I cherish and hope to keep around for a while to chat with..the others? Not so much. I have never understood why a man will start talking sex with a complete and total stranger online. Would they do it in real life? In public? At a party or small gathering with a woman they just met? I wish someone would explain it to me. I try to cut these people off quick because I don't really like it, I think it's crude and rude to go from a seemingly normal conversation and then bring sex into it. It's a turn off for me. Majorly! You will have more luck if you just talk like a you aren't a sex-crazed man who never truly gets any and must chat about it with me in IMs. Intelligence is what turns me on. Manners. Caring about my day as I always ask someone about theirs. I recently found myself knee deep in a chat with yes, basically a stranger, because I've not met him nor talked to him on the phone, about sex. I am now not sure if I want to even continue this friendship because I've put myself into a position in which I swore I never would be in. Have I told him? No. Will I tell him? Eventually, yes. For to be honest with myself and him, I must. Will I probably lose his budding friendship, most assuredly but at the risk of my own moral code, so be it. If you want to get to know me, the real me, read this blog. See my pain during the times I've been alone without support or friends. See my strength and my weaknesses. Know this to those who continue to want to discuss sex in my loft..you may get away with it once or twice but eventually, I will cut you off. Completely. It's not that I don't need sex. It's just that I prefer it in person where I can actually see them, touch them, feel them next to me, and hear their voice. That is a turn on. Not some chat with a stranger I don't truly don't know yet.

If you are man, you may want to avoid this post...

If you are a man, you may want to avoid this post..if you read it, be warned: It isn't pretty... I went bra shopping today. You know, those contraptions designed to hold those pesky breasts in place while trying to look sexy doing it. My idea of a bra is a sports bra. Soft, comfortable, easy to take off sports bra. Did I do that today? NOOO, I went and spent $50.00 plus dollars on a dang Victoria Secret bra with under wires! For gosh sakes...underwires. I did manage to find out my breast size which I guess can be a good thing in the future if I go shopping for another one again but sheesh, you know what I hated the most? It wasn't spending the money, it was that freaking full length mirror they had in the dressing room. I mean, come on, how can you feel sexy in a VS bra knowing that you are looking at your oversized, plumb, FAT gut while doing it? Of course, that depressed me. I need to get serious about losing this stupid gut. If I don't want to see myself naked how can a man ever want to? I am just gross...sighs.

Challenges...

I haven't been on here in three years. Wow! Did my life suddenly become boring or did I just find other pursuits? I'm still single. Still a Mom of a mentally challenged daughter. Still working at the same job. As I start this up again, it is mostly because I find myself lost again. After ten years of being single, I am left wondering is it worth it to put myself out there again. Do I need to go through more hurt, rejection, life changing decisions, and being unsure of my next step? I vowed to myself ten years ago that I would not put myself in a vulnerable position again, and yet, here I am again, looking to see what or who is out there. Am I worth knowing? Am I worth loving? Some days I feel so confident and other days I feel so lost. I don't like self pity and yet, I am finding myself more and more depressed at what may be my future. Alone, unloved, and discontent with my lot in life. Why now? why after ten years am I having these feelings? Thus begins my new challenge...to be happy with my life, accept what may never be, and to enjoy it regardless of what is. That, and losing 50lbs. Interesting to see which one gets accomplished first, you think?

Tired...

I need a week of sleep!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

I get so tired of working with people who ride the clock and don't do much of anything. Still annoyed!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Just a quick test post. Had to set up iPad app.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Good lord where has this year gone? It's August and my last post in January??? I lead a very boring life lately. Things are going okay I guess. I have a goal to be debt free in three years! I am working hard and got a raise! A little one but it's a raise. Now if I can only clone myself to get everything done I'd be a happy little camper!

Where does time go?

Here it is 2012 and things are already off to a rocky start. My job, which, I was told would have all the hours I needed when I switch departments has cut us down to 35 a week. Now, I can make it on that because who needs to eat, right? Things will be tough until around April when they give us back the hours but cross your fingers we do good until then.

I've been neglectful of late to my online blog friends. Not sending emails. Not posting on their blogs to say hi or find out how they are doing. All I can do is apologize and say I'm a selfish bugger. I don't get online much anymore except to play Farmville or Cityville, which I can say, I'm addicted. So to those friends, and you know who you are, I sincerly apologize and do pray you are doing well.

My babies (grandbabies, that is) are ONE now! Caylee is almost 3! Time is getting away from me and her mother. The twins are walking and trying to talk a little. What I can't believe, most of all, is the kidlet will be 24 in two months and I'll be the BIG 50 a month after that. Sighs.

I'm still single and imagine it's going to stay that way. The thought of looking or trying to even look scares me to death and feels like a pipe dream. I am happy alone though and am glad I can do what I wish when I wish without asking for someone else's opinion or permission.

I hope that 2012 brings more luck, better health, and more joy or at least peace to those who have remained faithful and have read my blog. Besides, how worse can it get? Wait! Strike that!

Long time...

It's been a long time since my last post. Does that mean things are going well or have I just become lazy? I've been really stressed lately. Worried about how to pay my school loan, my car payment, keep my kid fed and deal with all the drama at work that sometimes pops up. Everyday I ask myself is there something better out there? I'm not so sure anymore if I like my job or not which is sad because I really do like the place. All I can do is keep praying for answers and hoping things work out.


-- Posted from my iPhone

I've almost forgotten I've had this....

Life is going by too fast for me. I finally graduated in June "with honors" and don't have a clue what I'll do with my degree. My job is still going strong but I'm still barely hanging on moneywise. Kidlet is doing good, still don't get to see Grandbabies much when I do, they are great! No love life to speak of but then, I like it that way. I guess life is okay. Quiet is good, right?

Graphing

Someone please tell me why I need to learn this again?

Four weeks to go...

I have four weeks left of school. I don't know if its stress, too much happiness, or what but I also been having headaches. Why, oh why, can't things just go smoothly without pain or agony? It's always something, isn't it? Oh, here are some new pics of the babies and Caylee:

Lauren and Caylee


Ava and Charis (guess which one is the cabbage-patch kid look-a-like?

Job...

I have some good news, at least, about my job. I got transferred to new department that offers unlimited hours to get things done. I now close mail for our Litigations team. I miss scanning but I need the hours and can't life off 25 hours a week. I'm thankful for that...

Daughters...

I've been sitting here looking at pictures of Lauren and the babies and bawling my eyes out. I am in the doghouse with Lauren and have been since Caylee's birthday party. Apparently I said something I shouldn't have (which I didn't) and she got mad about it. We had an argument and I said something I shouldn't have (which I did) and she refuses to answer my phone calls, texts, or emails. I guess I shouldn't be too surprise. She's ashamed of me and her sister and always has been. We aren't rich enough, pretty enough, or I guess good enough to be around her or her "family." It's hard when a child shuts you out and makes you feel inferior. As if I don't feel that enough on my own already...

Depression sucks...

I think I'm depressed. I haven't had this feeling in a long time. Lauren and I aren't talking. Vicky is driving me nuts and she just got back from being away for a week. School is almost done and I wish it was done now. We were cut down to 25 hours a week at work but our boss fought for us to get 40 back to get our work done in time. I can live on 40 hours a week, barely. My right shoulder/arm is killing me. Not sure if it's my shoulder or my arm, it just throbs. My right ankle feels as if I sprained it but I know I haven't. I'm falling apart! I just want to crawl into bed, sleep, and never wake up or at least, wake up after 16 hours of sleep maybe. Ain't life grand?