It's official...

My AC compressor is dead in my pickup. I'm telling myself I can handle it this summer as I will only be going back and forth to work. Mechanic says will cost about 600.00 for new one and install. Right...let me just write that check. haha At least I did get a new AC unit for house this summer. Should say us a lot on electric bills. Maybe I'll save so much I can get the truck fixed, you think? : )

Been awhile...

Been a while since I posted last mainly because I've been trying to keep busy doing other things. Not online as much as I was in the past. Life is going on an even keel if you don't count the fact that I need to replace my AC compressor in my pickup by summertime or we will swelter here. Mechanic says about 600.00 and I only have 180.00 so far.. good start, isn't it? haha Oh well, some is better than none I guess. I have sweltered before in our summer heat, I could do it again. We will see.... : )

Happy Valentine's Day to me! Yada, yada, yada....

Some days I could just scream!!!

Some days I just want to scream so loud but then I think it will only make my head hurt so much more. Kidlet is getting on my nerves. Badly. If the world does not revolve around her, then she bugs me till I get so fed up I quit doing what I want to do. Right now, I'm just pissed.

Life keeps getting in the way..

I've been busy lately. Working OT on Saturdays for extra cash and fixing computers for friends. New sitter seems to be working out okay but daughter is convinced that Mom is supposed to stay home with her when she's not in school. I barely arrive at sitter's and she is up and out the door to car telling me to hurry up. I guess it's good she loves me but it makes me wonder what will happen in the future. Especially if I have to make a hard decision about her life...oh well, that's a worry for another day. Not today. Enjoy life....

Sitters, sitters ..everywhere...

Well, so far so good. The woman who has been watching her all week decided she was up for the job and will continue to watch her. We will see what happens come summertime though. I found a backup sitter also. Until she goes to school, that is. She is watching her for me tomorrow so I can work 6 hrs of OT and enjoy getting my paycheck. Hopefully I can work another 6 hrs OT next weekend also. 12 hours of OT is nothing to sneeze at, is it? It will buy us some groceries anyway. STILL no W2 form from this new company. I want my tax refund!!! I can't file until I have their blasted EIN number. Maybe we will get lucky and get it by the 31st. We better. Only takes two weeks to get it back when you e-file, but it's a LONG two weeks. : )

Where do my early mornings go to?

I awake everyday at 5:30. Why? Because I hate being rushed for work. I like to shower, do the usual beauty treatments (ha), and take my time over toast while I read my email or do other things. Lately though I seem to be running out of time! I think I'm moving slower. A sign of old age perhaps? Even with taking care of the kid, which I have down to an art form, I still don't seem to have enough time to relax in the mornings. I guess I will have to wake up at 4:30 in order to find time for me. ARGHHH...skip me time, I'd rather be sleeping....

Life choices...

It seems given the sitter situation that I'll be making a tough life decision in a few years. Vicky will be 21 and out of school then and I'll have to decide what needs to be done for her best interests. It's getting harder and harder every year to do this on my own. I worry the more I age that if something happens to me, what will become of her? As much as I hate to admit it, finding a place for her may be my only option. It will give her stability and an environment where she is cared for and greatly improve my peace of mind. It breaks my heart to try to make this decision...just breaks my heart.

Maybe a sitter...not holding my breath ...I might turn blue...

Still no sitter.....sighs

So much for new sitters..

I've tried three times today to contact the new sitter and three times I've either been told she wasn't home or was busy. I left messages for her to call me back and not a word have I heard. I was right in my instincts that she wasn't good for this job. It doesn't help that I have no one to watch my daughter so I can work. I have to take a personal day off tomorrow because no one is there to watch her. I did find an adult day care place in Waco and I'll be calling them tomorrow. I pray that this will be an answer to a prayer. I don't know what else to do if they can't help me. Living in my truck with her isn't an option. It's just not. Can you tell I'm a bit depressed about it all?

Is something wrong with me?

I sometimes wonder if something is truly wrong with me. For the past 7 years, give or take, I could care less if I ever am intimately involved with someone again. I have no urge to seek out someone for that special closeness most people seem to need. I am disheartened that most the men I talk to online find a way to bring it up in conversation..yes, that three letter word that just seems too much to deal with for me.. SEX. I know I can be passionate, caring, and inventive lover because I have been in the past. I just don't want to deal with it NOW. Hormonal maybe? Is it so wrong to want a guy to be enamored of my mind first, and then, be totally surprised I can be fantastic in other ways too? Why is it always SEX first? then they see if you can carry a conversation? Will I ever be ready to be with someone again? ever? sighs....

I think I found another one...

Talked to a woman on Friday and she will more than likely be babysitting for me. Only two people called in reply to my ad, sad eh? One was way too young and the other one, well, she has the job. We will see how it goes... I can't believe ONLY one good person called to babysit. What would've I done if she hadn't? I don't even want to go there.....

It's happening again....

I am losing another sitter. This one I found is moving out of town. This is so crazy. Going through three sitters in one school year sucks big time. I'll have to put another ad in the paper now and hope for the best. More stress..how wonderful!

You don't know me....

You don't know me until you've walked a lifetime in my shoes
You don't know me until you've take my stresses as your own
You don't know me until you've held my child in your arms
You don't know me until you've paid my bills
You don't know me until you've laid awake at night worrying
You don't know me until you've felt my heartache from lost loves
You don't know me until you've feel as alone as I feel

Destiny....

Let's see... I tried Match.com, Yahoo Personals, and now eHarmony. I think I'm doomed, doomed I say! There is NOT a single man out there that is willing to accept a child into their lives because she is handicapped. I think I am beyond caring now. A person can get rejected only so many times before they just become numb to it. The year 2007 is going to be the year that I finally accept I will be alone with my child for the rest of my life. It's not a bad thing, truly. Just a sad thing. We will survive!

I survived..

I survived the first day back to work. I'll be busy all week though so it's just one down and three to go. I thought I would have to be working late but fortunately I finished all that needed to be done TODAY. Tomorrow on the other day...starts it all over again : ) and boy, am I sore. Not working for a week isn't such a good idea!

Last thoughts for the 2006....

As 2006 came to a close I think back to see if I've learned anything of value. I've learned to be comfortable being alone. Even though I am alone raising my child does not mean I need to be unhappy. I've learned that GOD watches over those who need it and if he does not answer every prayer, losing faith shouldn't be an option. I've learned that I have the right to choose which conversations I want to partake in and should not feel guilty because I cannot be someone I am not. I've learned I am a strong person although at times I still need a shoulder to cry on, friends to listen, and to help at times. The year 2007 is wide open for anything. For suprises, good times, bad times, or just living. It is up to me how I greet it and to appreciate all it is or will be. Happy New Year to those reading this and may you be blessed with nothing more than you can handle or if life takes a troubled road for you this coming year, may you be blessed to be strong enough to handle it. Life calls it's own shots... greet it as you will.

Happy Freaking New Year!

I know, it's only New Year's Eve, but what the heck..celebrate! Maybe next year will be better..maybe.

I am my own worst enemy...

I cancelled my memberships for Match.com and Yahoo Personals. I was talking to a man from Yahoo Personals that lives near me and we had made arrangements to meet on the 6th but somehow in our conversation the day before yesterday, he was trying to invite himself over for NYE. First of all, no man that I haven't met in public yet is coming over to my house where I reside with a child alone. Second, I asked him what would we do. He said, "Have fun." Maybe I panicked, I don't know. My first thought of when he said, have fun, was that he wanted to wait till kid went to sleep and then we both jump in the bed. I mean, there really isn't anything more to do here than that. I'm not ready for that step. Especially with a man I don't know. I wrote him an email this morning politely telling him I didn't think it would work out. I get the idea he wants someone for a roll in the hay and not someone for life. Granted, sex is a major part of any relationship but you have to get to know each other first. I'm realizing more and more everyday that I'm scared. Scared to take that first step to let someone in my life. Scared of what demands they may make on me that I can't fulfill for them. The idea of anyone seeing me nude right now petrifies me to death. My body isn't pretty. It's not svelte or clear of fat deposits. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror let alone someone else looking at me in person. I realize men and women's perceptions are different when they look at another but I have to get over mine first, I think. I'm lonely but I like living alone. Strange combination, don't you think? For now, I'll keep the world at arm's length while I just try to make do with who I am. Life is way too complicated enough without adding more people into the equation. I was never any good at math anyway...