It's June already....

Time sure does fly these days. Last post was in February and now it's June. Kidlet goes to OK in two weeks so I get a bit of a break. Not much of one considering I'll still be working but it makes a difference. They took away one of our workers and I'm finding myself doing most of the closing in our program. I guess it means job security but a pain when they email you asking if you will clear today.

Not a lot going on in my personal life. Having some problems but they will work themselves out in the end, I imagine. The romance department still sucks though. I do have a phone friend that I talk to a lot and that is nice but its just a friend thing and won't be anything else. I received my AOL GOLD notice and may be leaving AOL for good in July. I'll be on Wireclub I imagine for a bit of company at times. Other than all this, my life is pretty boring..which is good!

Boy , do I feel sorry....

For those that may wander through these posts. I was reading some of my old posts and I whine. Constantly. When I started this blog I was just beginning menopause. For men out here that read this, it's not very fun. Your body turns into an enemy. Mood swings, hot flashes, weight gain, and just all around be nice to me or I will kill you moods. Thankfully, that part of my life is over. I've never lost the weight, I still have occasionally mood swings, but overall, my life is going okay. Kidlet will be 29 this year. I just can't believe it sometimes.

I'm still single but learning and accepting that is the way things will be in my life. I have a few friends that I love and am close to in life. I wouldn't know what to do without my bestie. I still hate what goes on in the chat rooms and am drawn to them like a moth to a flame sometimes. I quit going in so much though because they make me want to scream sometimes.

My job is changing at work and hoping I can still change with it and go with the flow. Hard to believe I've been there 9 years so far. Longest I've ever been at one job. Who know? I may retire from there.

I won't apologize for any of my previous posts on this blog as its more for me than for others. It's my life, good ... bad... ugly. I cring myself when I read some of them but I don't delete them because that's how I felt at that point in time.

Life is good ...for now.

Do you ever wonder?

What you've done in a past life that makes it so hard to live your current life? The reason why you can't find that one person that will value you above all others and see you for yourself and not some image they've created in their head? I wonder that sometimes.

Holidays ...bah humbug...

Holidays are getting close and it's that time of year when you realize you are truly alone. (Not counting kidlet) I still find it amazing that someone will IM and talk to you for several days and you have good conversations until they see your picture. Then, it's like, oh, that's you. They don't IM you anymore and they don't barely talk to you in the chat room you met them at either. I get that not everyone appeals to everyone but I'm not looking for a romantic relationship anymore. I just want someone to talk to when I feel lonely. I still have a few friends that don't mind my looks and still talk to me quite a bit but it's just sad when someone new does it. Not everyone sees beyond the looks and into the heart of a person, I guess. For those few that do and still talk to me, I cherish and value your friendship. A lot.

Holidays and loneliness go hand in hand. It's that time of year when you wish you had most of your family or friends surrounding you and realize you don't or can't. That time of year when everyone pretends all is well but inside they may be slowly dying. Kidlet will be going away this Christmas for three weeks. Three weeks of quiet, being lonely, and sleeping. That's my plan anyway. Don't expect it to change.

Changes....

It dawned on me today that I am not the same person I was 30 years ago and I never want to be that person again. All my life I've "given in" or "put aside" what I wanted in life or relationships to please the one I was with and keep them with me. All for what? Only to find at 54 years old I'm still alone?

Thirty years ago I was with a guy who wanted me to do things that went against my grain but because I wanted to please him I said yes. Today, those things still haunt me and prevent me from moving forward with any kind of intimacy. A guy gets too close to me and I run the other way. There is a guy now that wants me to be something I'm not because it's what "he likes" and I just can't do it. I'm all for compromise but to completely give myself over to a guy, I can't do it anymore. It's not in me.

I did things years ago, drugs and sex, that I would never do today. I've changed. For the better, I'm not so sure. I still open myself up to heartache and censure but even though I pretend to be a solitary creature, I'm not. I like having someone to talk to and be with but the idea still scares me to death.

I'm convinced I will die alone with just the kiddo with me. Perhaps, that is better. This way I don't ruin someone's life like mine is ruined....

Life gets busy....

Life gets busy sometimes and I don't always think to write about it thus there have been no posts as of late. Not much is going on either which is the norm for me. I did finally go out on a date yesterday. Lunch and a movie. It was okay. No fireworks, no chemistry, no wanting to tear the clothes off each other (at least not on my part) but he was a nice guy and I did enjoy the time we had together. Do it again? I don't know. I'm afraid he might think I was looking for more with him and I'm not. I'm not totally happy with my life but I am okay with still being alone. I have online friends I talk to and hope to meet some day but until then, I'm content. Or maybe I'm lying to myself?

Sometimes in life...

You try to convince yourself that someone found you that really is real and cares about you only to find out they are a scammer. While you try to come to terms with the vast loneliness you really feel in life that you almost believed him, it hurts deep down to know it was not and never will be real. Encounters with scammers break trust, strip you have your ability to be open with someone, and make you feel stupid that you could have almost believed them. My life is lonely, I must face that. It will be a long time before I let anyone close to me again and that, makes me the most sad.

Chat Room Annoyances...

I usually go in a chat room in the mornings but lately, with all the politics, it seems everyone is at each others throats. Not everyone will agree with everyone else on regard as to which person they are backing and last time I checked, that is their right! To call someone out and be just hateful and rude because they don't answer as you think they should is..well..just petty. I remember why I left AOL five years ago and it's slowly going to happen again. I've made a few friends that I hope I will stay in touch with but overall, I won't miss the petty, hateful, mean, bitchy, and small mindedness of some of the people I've come across. Life is too short for hate...I don't want my remaining years to become so bitter that I forget the good I have and the waste it with those that drag others down. Life is for laughing, living, and loving...I'm going to do that for myself.

Every once in a while...

I get a glimpse, a taste if you will, of what life could be like with someone else in mine. The opportunity to have someone to share my days with, to talk to about everything, to be intimate. Every once in a while I get that glimpse...then its gone.

Rerun of a rerun...

I'm posting this (again) because I truly like it and I'm tired of trying to find it on this blog when I want it..just go with it.

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like...
Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

It's 3:11 am...

I'm awake. Why, I don't know. My mind races sometimes thinking about the direction my life has gone. The people that come and go. I don't always understand why people leave my life but I guess as with all things, I have no control over it. You let them go because you have to do so. All the while wishing things were different, could be different. New people come and take their place. You just wait to see what happens. Will they stay or will they go? It's hard to trust anyone when you are always abandoned. Build that wall, pretend to be happy so no one really sees the pain. Carry on your life just existing because that's all you can do. Work, home, sleep. Existing. I don't want to die alone but as each day passes this is looking more and more life an inevitable part of my life. Going to be a tough day today....

I can't..

I can't be what you want...
I can't be what you want.
I can't be all things to you. In being all things to you, I lose sight of me.
I can't be what you want. I can't give up my independence.In losing my independence, I lose my sense of self.
I can't be what you want. I can't be the love of your life, if I don't feel love.
I don't want to care. I can't. Don't ask me to be what you want. Don't ask me to be what you need. I can't.

My List..

I made this list back and 2006 and it still holds up to what I want in life...


1.) You must honor my independence. I'm not overly needy in the fact that I need to be saved from every crisis that comes my way. Offer your advice but don't be pissed off if I don't follow it. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a demand that I follow it and if it is, you don't need to be here.

2.) Realize that I have feelings too. Words have the ability to cut me to the quick. I realize people have fights but try to keep an eye on what you are fighting about when doing it. Don't throw in stuff that has no relevance to the fight at hand. Past mistakes are just that, past mistakes.

3.) Don't be surprised that I don't wear makeup (very rarely although I do own some, I think) and that I'm not comfortable in dresses. (I do own some, I think) I'm very down to earth and am more comfortable in a pair of jeans or sweats. I've lived that way for 54 yrs now and I seriously doubt I will become comfortable turning into someone I'm not now. I do know how to dress up, I prefer not to.

4.) Don't be surprised if I read at any time, any where. It's not a reflection on you. It's my way of destressing myself. Closing myself off from my surroundings so I can regroup. My alone time. I don't need to be entertained every second of every day. Better yet, if I need to read, Go watch sports, I won't mind.

5.) I don't like to go out except to dinner, movies, or to browse through book stores. I do occasionally like flea markets and antique shows. I'm not a social butterfly. I do better in small groups. I'm quite happy staying at home or going out with a few close friends. Large crowds and I do not get along very well. I tend to blend as far into the woodwork as I can get.

6.) I have secrets. I have a past. Don't expect me to share them all. If I do, do NOT ever throw them back into my face. I'm 54 years old and I was not a NUN the whole time.

7.) I will say that I prefer intelligence. I cannot bring myself to be with someone who does not read, can't converse, or doesn't know the difference between able have a thought and parroting thoughts of others.

8.) Looks. They truly are not important if you've managed to impress me in other ways. No one is perfect. I am not. We all have our demons. We are too fat, skinny, short, tall, or just plain. Beautiful people scare me. I admire them but I worry there isnt much more there than that. IF that sounds bad, I'm sorry. It's just me.

9.) You have to love kids. Truly enjoy being around them. I have a mentally challenged child. She isn't going away. I'm not shipping her off to a home unless that becomes a must which I doubt. Her wants and needs always come before my own or anyone else's. IF you can't accept that, don't even bother me.

10.) Learn to live with a woman moods. I am post-menapausal and I am dissatisfied with my body, self, and moods. I understand this. I accept it. It's part of the cycle of life and it will eventually right itself. This is mostly the reason I do live alone. (Update-the moods are gone, the rest of it went to crap)

Most importantly, be yourself. I don't want someone perfect. I do need someone with a job. I have one, you have one too. I'm sure there are a dozen other things a person looks for in someone but these, I think, are the most important to me. Good luck! : )

It's just too funny....

Someone gave me such a good laugh this evening. I was accused of being a drama queen because I expected them to share their phone number with me since I shared mine. Number one rule you learn on AOL: If a man doesn't share his number, he is either married or living with someone. It was just too funny to not share because for those who truly know me, a drama queen I am not. I wasn't born yesterday, I've been around the block a time or two, so saying I'm obsessing over a reasonable request to share your phone number...and a drama queen! Give me a break you are married!

Heartbroken....

My heart is heavy and feeling broken at the thought of losing my father in law. While we haven't really stayed in touch much after my husband died, I've always loved him and have the utmost respect for him. My daughter, his grand daughter, is hurting so much right now. The only comfort she has is that she got to see him today and, maybe, say her good byes to him. We don't expect him to last much longer and at the age of 95, he's probably ready to go. Lauren, my daughter, said she told him just one thing, "If he's ready to go home, go, but when he goes, to please say hello to her father for her when he goes home." It's times like these that I hate the fact that her father died. He's missed so much of her life by leaving us when she was only 6 months old. While I try to comfort her with the possibility of this upcoming loss in her life, I also have to be aware it will be like losing her father all over again. This is her Grandpa, her daddy's father, once he's gone, she's lost the last tangible thing to her father. She has Aunts and Uncles on that side, but it's not the same as losing her daddy's daddy. My heart hurts for her so much....

It's days like today....

When I am tired and exhausted and it makes me question my judgement of where my life needs to go. Do I keep the status quo or do I let someone in only to be hurt again because sometimes I just want an adult to talk to instead of a kidlet. I've decided that if I do want a man in my life, he better be my best friend. I want someone I can laugh with and talk to way after the body parts no longer work right. Sex is great but have a lasting relationship of mutual respect and admiration can go a long way with me. If you think that I am only here as a FWB, think again, I can do without it. Already have for years now..what's a few more?

Note to self....

Self, you really aren't all that important in the grand scheme of life. Just a drop in the bucket or a sand in time.

Another one bites the dust....

I've been talking to someone online lately as it's been feeling like deja vu all over again. I've done this before... Waiting on a man to come online to talk to me, waiting for a man to call me, waiting... I don't have his number even though he had mine. First sign a man is involved with someone else, they don't share their phone number. They only call when in their car. They only talk to you while they are at work. Last night was enough. Game over. No more chances. I don't need the bullshit. Don't want the bullshit. Carry on to some other fool because this woman is NOT so desperate that she needs YOU in her life. Nope, not happening. See ya....NOT!

I can tell...

It's going to be one of those "bad days." I try to keep busy to keep my mind from thinking too much but I don't always succeed. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish my life had gone in other directions. I think about the people I've met, lost, or may meet and wonder is it all worth it to put myself out there and let the wall down. I had let it down for someone and they hurt me. So back up it goes! If you get past it, consider yourself a part of my life I rarely share, me. If you don't, you probably won't really miss it anyway. No more over-sharing or letting loose. Back to closed up little old me. It's safer that way.

I wonder why...

People come and go in your life without any explanation? I had an online friend that just, for some reason, decided to quit talking to me. I don't know what I did, or why they did, or what happened but they just stopped. I'm not going to beg them for an answer though because if they feel they can't talk to me anymore, it's on them, not me. I don't beg anyone to be a part of their life. I know I'm a good person and people should want to be a part of my life. You can't make people want, like, or love you. Whatever they have going on in their life, I wish them the best. I truly do for they are a great person, even if they had trouble seeing it for themselves. It just makes me sad I won't be talking to them anymore...sighs.