Some days you just feel as if you aren't all there...

There are some days when my thoughts are far away yet close by and I feel lost, alone, and confused as to which direction I should go in this world. I wonder sometimes what my future will hold and if I am doing the things right in the NOW to ensure I get THERE in the future. Living one day at a time seems to be the only way I can function most of the time. No plans, no hopes, no dreams, and most of all, no needing for things to change from what they are now to what might be in my dreams. Some days you just feel as if you aren't all there...or that you really don't want to be there...

Letting go...

There are times when you have to let go all the while knowing that there was never really anything there for you. You pretend and believe that what you feel is real, when in reality, it is as unreal as any dream or passing thought you might ever have in this life. Letting go...two words that make some things so hard to do. Do you hang on to the dream with every last shred of being or do you let go in order to pursue newer, better, and more real things in life instead of dreams of fantasy? I say good-bye to you in my own way in my own heart without voicing the thoughts outloud to you. Will you notice? Will I even be missed? I try not to look upon it as wasted effort, lost time, never recoverable or to be gotten back. All of life is a lesson and letting go...is the biggest one of all.

I seem to have lost my ability to write...

I haven't written much in here lately. My mind just goes numb sometimes and the words don't flow. Not having a good night tonight. Work was stressful. Something is wrong with my leg and it hurts. And right now, I just wish I had a hug...

What a day!

It's been a heck of a day today. Was busy from time I got there till a few minutes after 5pm. Right now I'm so stressed thinking about the stack of records waiting for me tomorrow also that I just want to sit down and cry. Maybe I will, it might help...

The hardest thing...

The hardest thing to do sometimes is to try to convince myself that I am doing well. That life is going along fine and my dark thoughts I try to keep at bay don't exist....

Night out on the town...

Well, I did it. I went out for the first time in about five or six years. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Now I just have to decide is this something I want to do again or do I just go back into my shell and think about what I can't have? I've never been one to like a person based on looks but I was watching the men and women there last night and I felt as if it was the last of the human dregs all out searching for that one person who they could be with. I hate feeling that way. My books are looking so much better now...

A huge step...

I am taking a huge step this evening. I am going out dancing. Yes, I said dancing. No, not on a date..that would be too huge of a step. Meeting a girlfriend at a club and we both will proceed inside like we know what we are doing and have ourselves together. Inside, I am a bundle of nerves awaiting the smallest hint of disaster saying I can't go. I've even worked myself up to a headache. But going I am, unless of course, I get paged to go to work then I can sigh with blessed relief that yes, I am saved. : )