Saturday, September 09, 2006

Sometimes I have bad thoughts...sighs

I was watching a movie this evening called, "The Other Daughter". It is about a mentally challenged girl who makes a stand to move into her own apartment, have a boyfriend, and eventually marry him. The movie makes it seem too easy, I think, or maybe things are just too hard here sometimes. I think to myself what I would do if I didn't have to raise my daughter. Would I live the quiet life I do now? or would I be a party girl out hanging at the bars every night trying to fill that void? It's hard raising her by myself. All the worries, trials, and events we go through. Some days she really gets on my nerves but it's not her fault and I try not to let it show so much. She gets fixated on things and when she does, she constantly repeats it until something else will grab her attention and detract from it. Until then, I am constantly answering the same questions over and over again. What would it be like to sleep in till 11am on weekends if she weren't around? What would it be like to not have to pick up after someone 12 out of 24 hrs a day? What would it be like to not have to worry about finding adequate care so I can work a full time job to support us? What would it be like? A boring, uneventful, and unmeaningless life. At least this way, I have meaning to my life. Things are never truly boring. I can sleep later when I am dead. I think I rather hear her laughter, see her dance, and worry when she walks into the walls because she can't see them. Yep, I'm a mother all right.

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