Strange thoughts and other things...

I've been having really strange thoughts lately. Thinking about my husband and Dad. Both are deceased. I don't know why now. Maybe because I'm getting lonely again? Thinking about what if's and should have been's. I miss my Dad so much sometimes. He would've loved this World Wide Web and the many things you can discover online. When he was alive, he owned a Commodore 64! He thought he was really moving up in the world when he went to an IBM. He never did get online. The availability to do so through AOL didn't really get going for the American public until after he died. At least not the unlimited hours plan anyway. There are so many things I wish I could share with him but I know I can't. I miss him.

As for my husband, I wish I knew where our life together would've taken us. We were married for only two years before he died. Just enough time to have a daughter but not enough time to really know what being married felt like for us both. He was ten years older than I and more settled in his life. I was his first marriage. I was 18 and he was 28. Amazing, isn't it? I think about him every time I have a birthday, knowing he would've been 55 to my 45 this year. I sometimes miss him and what we could've had together so much. Sighs.

I wish I knew what my future held for me. I want to be married again. I don't want to spend the rest of my years just being a Mother. I would like to be a lover, a friend, and a companion to someone. Who knows what God has in store for me? I sure don't. I truly don't.

Strangest dream...

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that my husband, who died, was somehow alive and wanting to move in with us. My kids kept switching from grown to toddlers every five minutes in the dream. I also dreamt that someone was after one of my kids who was suppose to be a lost royalty or wizard (I had a boy in the dream that was mine). Strange stuff, eh? I haven't really thought of my husband much in the past few years. Not that I'd ever forget him but just don't think about it unless Lauren says something about him. Of course, she came by yesterday, so that may have triggered that one. As for kids becoming toddlers...no, I do not want any more babies. I couldn't have any anyway. I want my kids (oldest two) to have them for me so I don't have to raise them. : ) Too many hidden meanings in dreams. Way too many.

Okay, so it's a three day weekend...

Big Deal! By Monday I'll be pulling my hair out from being cooped up in the house due to this blasted RAIN! Don't even get me started on gas prices. Who can travel if they want to due to high gas prices? Maybe, just maybe, if it stops raining and sun comes out...we might go to the Zoo. Maybe. Humidity will kill us then. Yea, yea, I'm whining...

Shrek!!

A must see for good laughs. I don't care if it's lame jokes or lame humor the way they do it just makes you laugh outloud. I especially like the part where the Ladies-in-waiting get TOUGH! I won't go into details, you need to just go see it!!! ; )

Revival..Praise Jesus!

Vicky and I went to a Pentacostal Revival today. My sitter invited us and I figured, why not? It wasn't too bad. Vicky, of course, wanted to go home 15 minutes after we got there. I talked her into staying for at least three hours. When they finally started the "preaching" and praying part, I think she was a tad bit scared. Several of the men started speaking in "tongues" and some of the kids were so wound up they were crying and praising Jesus. Not that there is anything wrong with that,maybe it's me (it's always me), but the "tongues" part made me uncomfortable. All in all though, it wasn't a bad day.

Tomorrow we are going to see Shrek III. Lauren has volunteered to go with us before she has to head to work. I'm looking forward to it. : )

President Bush and the noise level..

You can always tell when Mr. Bush is in town. We get fly by after fly by of JETS! I think they make huge circles over his ranch every few minutes and the roar of their engines can be extremenly loud. Fortunately, they do this during the day. At night, I think they go up higher as to not disturb the sleepers. Sometimes. Price you pay for living 11 miles from his ranch. : )

Love...it is so hard to find...

An online friend I've known for several years has finally found THE ONE. At least he hopes it is. I hope it is for him too. He called me yesterday in a panic though. Wanting to know if he was being too pushy too soon. I told him, in all my great wisdom, YES! He tends to be a bit impatient at times but fortunately he thinks I know all so he does listen to me. He followed my advice and now he is on the right track with her. I hope I don't lose his friendship due to this relationship. I voiced my concerns yesterday but he swears we will always be friends. I would miss him if he wasn't there for me to call and whine to or to just reach out to know someone was there for me. Either way, if our paths seperate in this life, I'll know he's happy and content. I couldn't ask for more for him. Truly. Now...where is my ONE? Ha!

Life on an even keel...

I'm amazed that so far this month life is going smoothly. No babysitter crisis. Kidlet isn't PMS'ing everyday. I'm not hurting as much in my knees. Think I am jinxing myself? Ha!

Much debate...

I had much debate about posting the previous entry. Mainly because I shared this site with the man in question. Then I decided to do it anyway. I won't hold back my feelings and concerns nor my way of voicing them out by writing them here. I will be me. Always.

Maybe I'm just slow...

I've talked a few times to a man from CA and maybe it's just me but I can't figure out what he wants. He's articulate, intelligent, seems nice enough, but he keeps stressing the point that he likes to read to women. Call me cautious or something but I get the feeling he'll eventually ask to call and read to me. There is nothing wrong with that really but it starting to make me feel overly cautious and uncomfortable. There are so many strange men online and it's hard to weed out the nuts from the truly sincere. Why can't some men just have a nice conversation without it being a sexual prelude? Maybe I'm getting the wrong idea. I don't know. It just bothers me. I know I can be touchy about anything sexual. My being celibate is my choice. I have my own issues to deal with on that subject but if I'm feeling uncomfortable, I'm not staying in a situation that makes me that way. It's a shame really because finding someone who is truly intelligent and a joy to talk to online is becoming a rare thing indeed.

I know I'm not the most exciting person around. I work. I raise my daughter. I live my life. That's it. I don't seek out men online. In fact, I won't IM them. I do talk to a few on a regular basis but we've talk about everything but sex. It's an online friendship. They listen when I need to rant, I listen when they need to rant. They ask about my day, I ask about theirs. I never feel uncomfortable talking to them. That list is very small though because it is so hard to find men such as these. Single men whom want nothing from you but your time. Maybe it's just me, as I said. Maybe.

I don't think I really like any holiday...

I'm depressed. Why? I have no clue..but I am. Tomorrow may be better...

Happy Mother's Day to all Moms!

Happy Mother's Day to me!!

Baby Pictures!!!

Sarah, Caleb, and Ryan (19 months old)

I'm a Grandma x 2 now...

Caleb James was born on May 2nd!!! I have no weight, times, or pics yet..but I'm gonna bug em till I do... hahahaha

I don't know what is wrong...

For the past few days I've been filled with anger toward my daughter, Vicky. I don't know why. I catch myself numerous times trying not to get angry at her for the many demands she makes throughout the day. Demands I normally do without any thought or emotion. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of worrying about keeping sitters, tending to her constant needs, and not being able to sleep in till at least 8am. I don't wanna be "MOM" anymore! Ha! Fat chance...

Happy Birthday to me!

Chat rooms and other such nonsense...

There is a chat room I frequent that has gotten way out of control. Yesterday, I was berated because I did not join in the fraying of a man who was found out to be a liar. He had told me something once also that has turned out to be a lie but in my maturity, I chose to just forget about him. Move on and try to make things pleasant. Three women in the chat room decided he needed a public flogging. Yes, they are right in pointing out to others this man is a liar and for other women to beware if they talk to him. They are wrong in expecting everyone to join in the fray. I am a peacemaker. Always have been, always will be. I don't like conflict. I grew up with enough of it in our house. I choose to live my adult life as uncomplicated, unstressful, and as quiet as possible. I don't think I should be berated because I don't join in the public arguing with monitors. I'm saying good-bye to that chat room. I feel either it has moved beyond why I went in there or I'm just getting way too old for schoolroom antics. Now if I can just get rid of my feelings of inadequacy because apparently I've disappointed a few people by not doing what they thought I should do. Sighs.

I must be wayyy stressed...

So far I've bitten four nails down on my fingers. The cause? I'm turning 45 next Thursday! It's getting me DOWN. How do you beat the "you are getting old" blues? Sighs

A rewrite...

Life as a dream...

Visions of purple and orange clouds flare brightly across the horizon from the last bright rays of the sun as it sinks slowly beyond sight. One by one stars come out into view. Brightly shining as they reflect the sun's light off their surfaces. Fireflies flit off and on across the field of flowers gently blowing in the wind. It seems an almost magical time. Breezes blowing softly upon your face as you lay in the field gazing up at the stars. Watching the lights from the fireflies flickering off and on and allowing your mind to wander. To dream. To envision. Look quickly, for there goes a falling star. Make a wish. Keep it close to your heart. And gently sigh, as it fades out of sight.

Religion..a sensitive subject...

I've been struggling off an on over the past year or so about which religion should be a part of my life. I do believe I am a Christian but I tend to balk at "organized" religion. It's amazing how episodes from childhood can mar and change any view you would have of such organized religion. I was raised a Jehovah Witness. Due to an event, I turned my back on that religion. Since then I've not really stepped foot in any church. I've never truly turned my back on God nor Jesus but I am not comfortable with the idea of going into a Church. What brings this up again? My sitter, who is Pentacostal, took my daughter to Church with her this past Sunday. Vicky loved it, as I knew she would, due to the singing and activities they have there. They wish me to go also. Do I go once, to be polite? Or just come right out and tell them, I do not like attending "organized" religion? Would it hurt me to just go once? I don't think so. Personally, since I've been battling this dilemna over a year, I think God is trying to show or tell me something by finding this sitter. Pentacostal though? I can't see myself wearing dresses. Sorry, it's just not happening. I don't think that's the message though. I think He is just trying to open the door. Question is, can I walk through it? : )