I've almost forgotten I've had this....

Life is going by too fast for me. I finally graduated in June "with honors" and don't have a clue what I'll do with my degree. My job is still going strong but I'm still barely hanging on moneywise. Kidlet is doing good, still don't get to see Grandbabies much when I do, they are great! No love life to speak of but then, I like it that way. I guess life is okay. Quiet is good, right?

Graphing

Someone please tell me why I need to learn this again?

Four weeks to go...

I have four weeks left of school. I don't know if its stress, too much happiness, or what but I also been having headaches. Why, oh why, can't things just go smoothly without pain or agony? It's always something, isn't it? Oh, here are some new pics of the babies and Caylee:

Lauren and Caylee


Ava and Charis (guess which one is the cabbage-patch kid look-a-like?

Job...

I have some good news, at least, about my job. I got transferred to new department that offers unlimited hours to get things done. I now close mail for our Litigations team. I miss scanning but I need the hours and can't life off 25 hours a week. I'm thankful for that...

Daughters...

I've been sitting here looking at pictures of Lauren and the babies and bawling my eyes out. I am in the doghouse with Lauren and have been since Caylee's birthday party. Apparently I said something I shouldn't have (which I didn't) and she got mad about it. We had an argument and I said something I shouldn't have (which I did) and she refuses to answer my phone calls, texts, or emails. I guess I shouldn't be too surprise. She's ashamed of me and her sister and always has been. We aren't rich enough, pretty enough, or I guess good enough to be around her or her "family." It's hard when a child shuts you out and makes you feel inferior. As if I don't feel that enough on my own already...

Depression sucks...

I think I'm depressed. I haven't had this feeling in a long time. Lauren and I aren't talking. Vicky is driving me nuts and she just got back from being away for a week. School is almost done and I wish it was done now. We were cut down to 25 hours a week at work but our boss fought for us to get 40 back to get our work done in time. I can live on 40 hours a week, barely. My right shoulder/arm is killing me. Not sure if it's my shoulder or my arm, it just throbs. My right ankle feels as if I sprained it but I know I haven't. I'm falling apart! I just want to crawl into bed, sleep, and never wake up or at least, wake up after 16 hours of sleep maybe. Ain't life grand?

It's sad....

Well Lauren and I had a fight and I basically told her I won't be in her life. She does not need me nor does she seem to want me around anyway. I'll miss my grandbabies though but tired of trying to justify myself to her. Maybe she'll miss me, maybe she won't.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Miss Caylee is TWO!

Little Miss Caylee turned two yesterday. As you can see, she wants everything. She was trying to grab my purple covered phone as I was taking her picture. She just is the cutest thing! The babies are getting so big its hard to tell them apart. Both are FAT and CHUBBY! Kidlet is driving is driving me nuts. Taking her to OK this coming Friday for a week. Maybe by the time she comes back my bad mood will be gone.

Only have TWO more classes and then I graduate! Yay me!!!

We have SNOW!!!!

The Reason I Exist....

Charis


Ava


Caylee


Vicky

Some days...

Some days I think I just can't go on...
My patience wears thin for taking care of the kidlet especially when she decides to take a cup of milk and sling it around the room because it looks cool to do so. My memory isn't what it used to be. I find myself forgetting stupid stuff like leaving a brisket thawing out all night long instead of putting it back in the fridge (fortunately I put it out late enough that it was still cool). I had a job interview and I sabotaged myself because I hate change. I have an almost degree (5 months to go) and I don't want to do a thing with it. Am I a bad parent because I try to imagine my life without the kidlet? I'm almost 49 years old and can see myself in this same position 20 or more years down the road. Lonely, lost, forgetful, and fat. Let's discuss the elephant in the room and discuss my weight gain of 50+ lbs over the past two years. I think today I am just going to cry...maybe, just maybe, it will help...or not.

My life....

I keep wondering when I will get my life back. Between school, work, and kidlet I don't have time to write! I have THREE more classes until I earn my Bachelor's degree...woohooo!. I am considering obtaining an Associate degree concentrating on medical records (coding and billing). I figure if I keep on taking courses, I'll die before I have to pay off my school loans...haha. Kidlet is doing good. She still has her 'tude at times but overall things are running smoothly with her and daycare. Babies, babies, babies...I get to see them a bit more now that Lauren's hormones are getting normal (haha). Posting the latest pictures of them for the world to see...as soon as I move them from my phone to computer. Happy Friday!

Babies, babies, babies...

It's been two weeks since I saw them born and I finally got to go visit and see them. I only held Ava this time because Charis was feeding but they are sooo sweet!

Ava




Charis

Do you know what's frustrating?

I've held the babies ONE time, on the day they were born. I've not seen them since nor held them. It's frustrating, hurtful, and makes me jealous that friends and HIS family are more important and they get to see them and bond and I don't. Caylee has no clue who "Grandma" is and but she sure knows her "Nona." Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the other grandparents. Far from it, they are the sweetest people you could ever meet or know but I dislike the way Lauren has supplanted them into her life as her "Mom and Dad" and I feel as if I am one of those relatives that you admit you have but you rather just shove in the corner and forget about them. I was supposed to go see the twins on this past Sunday and when I texted Lauren to see if she was awake (at 11:41 am), I get a text back saying, "I am now." How would you take that? I just told her "Sorry, I won't bother you." I haven't texted her since and I'm not sure I will. I'm tired of begging to see MY grandkids and her. The kids will be grown before they ever realize they have another Grandma. Excuse me, I'm going to go cry again now. Oh, I have pictures of them right after they were born and that's all I have. They are kind of icky, so don't look if you don't like newborn pics.

Ava Jean 6.2 lbs and 18.5 inches


Charis Renee 5.9 lbs and 18 inches


A recent pic of Caylee at 20 months

Grandma again!

Just found out the twins will be born by C-section tomorrow! Yahoo!


-- Posted from my iPhone

It's official....

I hate my finance class!!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Alive....

I'm still alive. Starting a finance class that will take as much studying as my stat classes did which I made A's in!!! Have a paper to write starting tomorrow. How lucky is that??? NOT!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

I need advice...

A certain daughter is behaving strangely toward me these days. If I try to make an appointment (yes, appointment) to see my Grandbaby, it's like pulling teeth. Either she has an excuse as to why she won't be home or she does not reply to my texts or phone calls. I can't think of a thing I've done to make her mad at me and with the twins coming soon, I'm afraid I won't be able to see them either. Any thoughts about this? I've tried talking to her and all she says is she's been busy. I can't believe she doesn't see my texts because her phone is an extension of her hand but she ignores them. I'm going to see her today and am not sure if I can't hold my tongue about all of this. Give me strength because I don't want to upset her with only a few months for her to deliver. Advice anyone?

Stress...

Things I stress about:

How to pay off my college loans.
Making my paycheck stretch enough to buy food.
Learning how to save for my new ROTH.
Praying my knee doesn't give out completely.
Dying with Vicky alone in the house with me.
Lauren having trouble with delivery of the twins.
Going blind.
Surviving.

Babies....

I just found out Lauren is expecting TWINS!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone