Hmmm....

Been awhile since I've posted..I'm still alive. Still struggling. Still wishing life was better, different, calmer, and just plain easier.

Some days....

Some days its all I can do to hold on to life.....

Self realization...

I have come to the conclusion about myself that I am a people pleaser. I hate to say no, disappoint, or hurt someone even if it causes me discomfort or pain. I don't know if this is a serious flaw or a plus but that's who I am. I don't like conflict, being involved in drama, or telling those I care about no when they request something of me. My impulse to please almost made a situation of goodness possible turn into something ...well, who knows where it could have gone. I am who I am and I don't think I'll ever change at this late in life but I care too much sometimes to say the word NO.

Could not have said it better....

Written by a friend of mine:

I've lied to so many people. I'm sorry, I am a sensitive person. I let so much get to me and I just keep it bottled up inside until I can't hold it in any more and then I break. I break down like a little bitch and cry uncontrollably to the point I'm dehydrated and my sides hurt and eyes burn, but damn, a person can only take so much. I'm tired of acting like super woman, I'm tired of being super mom, I'm tired of trying to pretend all is right with my world, I'm just tired. Most of all I'm tired of life. I didn't sign up for this shit. I'm tired of being the person. I'm a strong woman don't get me wrong, but I have weak tendencies. And today is one of the days I have let it get to me. Depression is not a joke, it's not a call for attention. The shit it's real life one of the most scary thing you could ever go through. I can't put the feeling into words, but it's alot like having a gun aimed at your head, you get the fight or flight automatic reaction, so you fight and you give your all while fighting, and that doesn't work so you resort to flight, and you hide your problems and run from them, but while running you realize, you've already tried and one thing didn't work so why would another, and you just kinda give up because your damned if you do damned if you don't right? It's wanting to kill yourself but not having the strength to do it, but then your told your strong because you didn't it is literally the feeling of being alone, even though you have all that could ever make a person happy, none of it matters. And it hurts more than anything could ever hurt in a way that nothing has ever hurt before, no this isn't a cry for help, no this isn't a post directed at any one , I just needed to get a small portion of how I feel off of my chest I'm tired of faking, I'm tired of smiling in people's face all day everyday just so I can run to the bathroom and break down and cry 5 minutes later out of jealousy for their happiness. I'm just tired.

April 1st...Fools Day...

Been thinking a lot since last night after a conversation with a friend. Thinking about sometimes I'm so focused on wondering how to do something that involves my daughter that I may seem selfish. I've been doing for her for so long that I can't think any other way. I don't mean to come across as selfish, but I guess I am. Making daydreams about a future that will probably never happen for me because of her and it's okay. If I was by myself, life would be more simple. I could go places when the mood strikes me, I could move to any place I wanted, and I wouldn't be so stressed. But life is what it is...I lie to people about being happy and okay but I'm not. Every day is sometimes a struggle to just want to wake up and put my feet on the ground. Despite those feelings, I still carry on because I have to not because I want to. This weekend is just not a good weekend for me... foolish me.

It's going to be one of those days.....

One of those days that I'm mad at that world, myself, life, and whatever else comes across my path. I've been up and down since 2:30 because of my kid so I now have a headache and I'm bitchy as hell. I know this is supposed to be thankful month but let me try to remember why I am thankful and why I am not.
Not thankful:

For a kid who doesn't sleep so I don't sleep
For being so broke I can't even go visit my best friend at Thanksgiving
For all the broken promises that have ever been made to me
For life in general

Thankful:

For a kid who loves me
For having best friends
For finding out that the broken promises are probably for the best
For life in general

Right now that's all I got. I'm tired of being a Mommy ALL the time. I want to be ME sometimes whatever that is anymore. On days like today I wish I just had someone to hug me and say it's going to be all right. To have just one day where I don't wake up trying to figure out which bill I can put off to do something else I want to do, to have a kid that sleeps through the night, and to just have someone here in my corner for the days I want to scream.

I am most thankful for one of my best friends lest he read this and think I am not. I know you have my back and are in my corner but you are there and I am here and sometimes its a different kind of want.... ya know?

Why it's hard for me to ask for help....

It's so hard to ask for help sometimes. I don't want to feel weak and small to those that matter most. I like to be strong, independent, and confident I can take care of myself and my child. I have to admit, though, that the past few months have been harder than most and I've never had such a hard time just keeping things together and surviving. Too many nights I cry myself to sleep with worry and feelings of being "out of control" the way things are going right now. When I do get help, I may act like it I didn't need it, but I do. I may not show much emotion about it but it's there. I'm thankful so much for the person in my life that can and wants to help me. I don't ever want to take that for granted and I don't. Prideful, I am, but even I have to admit defeat right now. Life is hard, really hard,but I can do this...so thank you from my heart....

Thankful....

Things I remind myself every day I must be thankful for:

1.) My kids
2.) Grand babies
3.) My health (generally healthy)
4.) I have a job
5.) My new tires!
6.) I keep my bills paid
7.) Kids are healthy
8.) I wake up alive
9.) I have a car
and most important-my friends whom I can trust and count on to put up with me when I get all melancholy and annoying.

Sometimes....

Sometimes you look back at your life at what you've done, lost, or accomplished and you wonder, have I done enough, lost enough, or succeeded enough? It's so hard sometimes trying to decide what you need against what you want. I sit and wonder sometimes will I ever truly feel happy again or will I just continue going through the motions of my life trying to make it through another day? I have my lifelines.... my kids, grand babies, and someone dear to me but sometimes I need more. I feel lost in a sea of emotions I can't seem to break through or get rid of. I can only hope its because I'm tired, lonely, and just overwhelmed to feel this badly. It will pass. It must. I'll make it pass one way or another.

October is coming....

October is almost here. I haven't posted in a while because life has been busy. Nothing much has changed, I just try to stay busy. I realized today that my life will never change. It's all I can do to not end it....

It's June already....

Time sure does fly these days. Last post was in February and now it's June. Kidlet goes to OK in two weeks so I get a bit of a break. Not much of one considering I'll still be working but it makes a difference. They took away one of our workers and I'm finding myself doing most of the closing in our program. I guess it means job security but a pain when they email you asking if you will clear today.

Not a lot going on in my personal life. Having some problems but they will work themselves out in the end, I imagine. The romance department still sucks though. I do have a phone friend that I talk to a lot and that is nice but its just a friend thing and won't be anything else. I received my AOL GOLD notice and may be leaving AOL for good in July. I'll be on Wireclub I imagine for a bit of company at times. Other than all this, my life is pretty boring..which is good!

Boy , do I feel sorry....

For those that may wander through these posts. I was reading some of my old posts and I whine. Constantly. When I started this blog I was just beginning menopause. For men out here that read this, it's not very fun. Your body turns into an enemy. Mood swings, hot flashes, weight gain, and just all around be nice to me or I will kill you moods. Thankfully, that part of my life is over. I've never lost the weight, I still have occasionally mood swings, but overall, my life is going okay. Kidlet will be 29 this year. I just can't believe it sometimes.

I'm still single but learning and accepting that is the way things will be in my life. I have a few friends that I love and am close to in life. I wouldn't know what to do without my bestie. I still hate what goes on in the chat rooms and am drawn to them like a moth to a flame sometimes. I quit going in so much though because they make me want to scream sometimes.

My job is changing at work and hoping I can still change with it and go with the flow. Hard to believe I've been there 9 years so far. Longest I've ever been at one job. Who know? I may retire from there.

I won't apologize for any of my previous posts on this blog as its more for me than for others. It's my life, good ... bad... ugly. I cring myself when I read some of them but I don't delete them because that's how I felt at that point in time.

Life is good ...for now.

Do you ever wonder?

What you've done in a past life that makes it so hard to live your current life? The reason why you can't find that one person that will value you above all others and see you for yourself and not some image they've created in their head? I wonder that sometimes.

Holidays ...bah humbug...

Holidays are getting close and it's that time of year when you realize you are truly alone. (Not counting kidlet) I still find it amazing that someone will IM and talk to you for several days and you have good conversations until they see your picture. Then, it's like, oh, that's you. They don't IM you anymore and they don't barely talk to you in the chat room you met them at either. I get that not everyone appeals to everyone but I'm not looking for a romantic relationship anymore. I just want someone to talk to when I feel lonely. I still have a few friends that don't mind my looks and still talk to me quite a bit but it's just sad when someone new does it. Not everyone sees beyond the looks and into the heart of a person, I guess. For those few that do and still talk to me, I cherish and value your friendship. A lot.

Holidays and loneliness go hand in hand. It's that time of year when you wish you had most of your family or friends surrounding you and realize you don't or can't. That time of year when everyone pretends all is well but inside they may be slowly dying. Kidlet will be going away this Christmas for three weeks. Three weeks of quiet, being lonely, and sleeping. That's my plan anyway. Don't expect it to change.

Changes....

It dawned on me today that I am not the same person I was 30 years ago and I never want to be that person again. All my life I've "given in" or "put aside" what I wanted in life or relationships to please the one I was with and keep them with me. All for what? Only to find at 54 years old I'm still alone?

Thirty years ago I was with a guy who wanted me to do things that went against my grain but because I wanted to please him I said yes. Today, those things still haunt me and prevent me from moving forward with any kind of intimacy. A guy gets too close to me and I run the other way. There is a guy now that wants me to be something I'm not because it's what "he likes" and I just can't do it. I'm all for compromise but to completely give myself over to a guy, I can't do it anymore. It's not in me.

I did things years ago, drugs and sex, that I would never do today. I've changed. For the better, I'm not so sure. I still open myself up to heartache and censure but even though I pretend to be a solitary creature, I'm not. I like having someone to talk to and be with but the idea still scares me to death.

I'm convinced I will die alone with just the kiddo with me. Perhaps, that is better. This way I don't ruin someone's life like mine is ruined....

Life gets busy....

Life gets busy sometimes and I don't always think to write about it thus there have been no posts as of late. Not much is going on either which is the norm for me. I did finally go out on a date yesterday. Lunch and a movie. It was okay. No fireworks, no chemistry, no wanting to tear the clothes off each other (at least not on my part) but he was a nice guy and I did enjoy the time we had together. Do it again? I don't know. I'm afraid he might think I was looking for more with him and I'm not. I'm not totally happy with my life but I am okay with still being alone. I have online friends I talk to and hope to meet some day but until then, I'm content. Or maybe I'm lying to myself?

Sometimes in life...

You try to convince yourself that someone found you that really is real and cares about you only to find out they are a scammer. While you try to come to terms with the vast loneliness you really feel in life that you almost believed him, it hurts deep down to know it was not and never will be real. Encounters with scammers break trust, strip you have your ability to be open with someone, and make you feel stupid that you could have almost believed them. My life is lonely, I must face that. It will be a long time before I let anyone close to me again and that, makes me the most sad.

Chat Room Annoyances...

I usually go in a chat room in the mornings but lately, with all the politics, it seems everyone is at each others throats. Not everyone will agree with everyone else on regard as to which person they are backing and last time I checked, that is their right! To call someone out and be just hateful and rude because they don't answer as you think they should is..well..just petty. I remember why I left AOL five years ago and it's slowly going to happen again. I've made a few friends that I hope I will stay in touch with but overall, I won't miss the petty, hateful, mean, bitchy, and small mindedness of some of the people I've come across. Life is too short for hate...I don't want my remaining years to become so bitter that I forget the good I have and the waste it with those that drag others down. Life is for laughing, living, and loving...I'm going to do that for myself.

Every once in a while...

I get a glimpse, a taste if you will, of what life could be like with someone else in mine. The opportunity to have someone to share my days with, to talk to about everything, to be intimate. Every once in a while I get that glimpse...then its gone.

Rerun of a rerun...

I'm posting this (again) because I truly like it and I'm tired of trying to find it on this blog when I want it..just go with it.

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like...
Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.