Happy Birthday to me!

It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to... I'm 54 today. Where has time gone? It's going by faster and faster every year and every year on my birthday I promise myself there will be changes. Do I keep that promise? No. I break promises only to myself not to others. I wonder why that is? Maybe because I know I will forgive myself while someone else might not? Anyway, I have to work today and not really celebrating the day. This is the only day of the year I really like surprises, otherwise, I don't like them. I hope someone surprises me today with something nice and unexpected. Anything... a card, flowers, candy, cake, or a hug. I'm easy...haha.

A thousand years...

A Thousand Years

I swear I'm not bitter...

I swear I am not bitter or a prude. I have noticed that a lot of my posts lately are rants or dislikes of things I find on AOL. I am seriously not bitter nor am I a prude, I just am frustrated at the lack of conversation skills I find online. I am very much a woman who likes intimacy but doesn't want to be just used for that nor do I want to be taken advantage of by those pretending to like me but disappearing after they seemingly get whatever it is they were after from me. Please feel free to ask to IM, intrigue me, make me laugh, and above all remember, I am a person, not a sex object. This is the last post I'll make on this subject for I am getting tired of repeating myself and for anyone who reads this, I'm sure you are getting tired of reading it. I can't always promise to post happy pretty thoughts for on many days, dark thoughts run through my head sometimes as life tends to get shitty, but I will promise to not berate this subject any longer. Please feel free to leave comments on my posts. It's nice to know someone is actually reading this nonsense sometimes... : )

AOL chatroom rules to live by.....or IMs

1. Never give a guy what they want. The minute you do, they disappear.
2. Never share personal problems.
3. Always be chipper, fun, and great to talk too...even if you are crying inside. No one wants a Debbie Downer.
4. Never think anyone is serious about you.
5. Unless you meet in person, trust no one or trust very few.
6. Life is a bitch, don't be one online.

The Cold Hard Truth...

I was laying in bed thinking this evening that of all the guys I talk to (and the list is small) that not one of them ever inquires as to my kidlet's well being. Several of them have expressed interest in meeting with me but I don't think they care at all about my true life. They may have some ultimate fantasy about what will happen when we meet but that may not be true. It truly saddens me to face the cold hard truth that they don't care enough about me or my life to inquire about such a major part of it. Nothing major needs to be asked, just a simple, "how's the kidlet today?" would suffice. A hard truth to realize...sighs.

All's quiet on the home front...mostly..

Life is moving along with good news and bad news. Found out that my rent IS going up and I owe back rent ..sheesh I just can't catch a break. Have to move again in August too...sighs. Good news is I am still alive. Not much else going on right now and just too tired to write tonight. Back soon!

I hate this...

I hate being depressed. Sucks the life right out of you. I just can't stop crying tonight for some reason. It's pity party time, I guess. I had better dreams for my life than this...I wanted to be married, have my own house, a job if I wanted to work or option to stay home. I never imagined I'd be single at (almost) 54 with no end in sight. I miss being with someone. I miss someone caring about what is going on in my life. Ah, shit...going to stop now. Gotta shake this off and fast...!!!

Says it all...

I hate...

Insomnia! I haven't had this in months and tonight my mind won't shut off and I can't sleep. I'll be so tired today...sighs.

It's amazing...

I was looking back through some of my older posts in 2010. That's the year Lauren had the twins. She wasn't talking to me much that year and I've only lately found out because it was from marital problems and wasn't me. Lauren is private. A lot more private than I am but as strong and independent like me. Neither one of us ever want to be "rescued" but prefer to try to make life work on our own. She's having personal problems right now in her life and for once, coming to Mom to talk them out and make decisions. She's not always happy with my advice or ideas but she does listen to them. I've always wanted to be much closer to her because we've had some hard times in our lives between us. Maybe, now, this is our chance. As for privacy, I like write. I always have. I find that if I write down how I feel and get some measure of relief from the pressures of life. I am always under so much pressure. I have to work, support me and the kidlet, get out of debt, and just keep things on an even keel. I can't handle stress at all. I try to live in a no drama zone. The last time I was stressed I broke out in a bad itchy rash. Isn't that just crazy? My stress level goes external at least and not internally where it could do more harm than good. One of these days I know I'll get everything I want in life but until GOD decides when that will be, I'll just have to be content with my lot in life. It's not such a bad life after all sometimes...

Rerun...

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like... Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

Ten needs...

Ten Needs of Special Need Parents I think there are so much more but this is a very basic list...

Something to smiile about...

My babies and the kidlet with her friend at daycare...

Kind of sucks...

When you try so hard to make it in this life and survive only to be knocked down once again...Found out today that I "make too much money" to live in my current housing and my rent will be going up and I'll have to find another place to move once lease expires. I'd like to know where this too much money stuff actually is because its not in my pocket. I am trying to get rid of debt that I had to create two years ago when my job cut my hours and now that. I can't win. All I can do is hand it over to God and hope he has something better planned for me because right now I don't see it. If it was only me in this life, I could live in my car but it's not. The kidlet need shelter, food, clothing, warmth, etc.. I do it all for her. So God, if you are listening, can you help me out once again? I really need it. Thanks.

Judge not...least you be judged...

As I was cleaning house today I was thinking back to a room conversation. Well, several of them actually. In each one, someone had said something negative toward me because my opinion was different from their own. One even asked me what was wrong with me. As if, my views, were no more important than her own because I didn't agree with her. Let's get one thing straight..I am my own person. I have my own thoughts. I pay my own bills. I live my own life. If my views do not match yours, I do not judge you nor do I think less of you for them. I love a good debate. If my views turn yours so be it. If your views turn mine so be it but do not ever assume that I will change solely based on the case that I want to be "one of the crowd." I never have been and I never will be. Please, if you don't agree with me, that is fine. I will not judge you for it. Do not judge me for my views either as they are mine and only mine.

Why ..oh ..why....

Do men just not get me? What is so hard to understand that I have NO desire whatsoever to have sex, talk about sex, or even elude to sex ONLINE. Is it really that difficult to get that they are complete STRANGERS to me. It's like going down the street and grabbing the first guy I see and saying, "Hey, let's go fuck!" It's NOT going to happen. EVER. So stop..for the love of God, just stop! If I'm good enough to try to have online sex talk or talk about wanting to meet me in person to screw, am I not good enough to even get to know first? That's the problem. I am never just good enough. Never enough. I had this problem with my ex bf. I just wasn't enough. I'm tired of NOT being enough. I want to be it ALL. Always. Forever. Amen.

Differences of opinions...

It was an interesting night in the chat room this evening. One topic was the subject of birth control and who should be responsible for it, man or woman? Personally, I think a woman should be in charge of her own body and birth control. If you are mature enough to have sex with a man you should be mature enough to not assume a man "should take care of it." Be independent and in charge. Buy your own method of birth control and use it. What really strikes me as funny? This is in a room where some if not all of the women should be post menopausal or starting to be menopausal. Birth control is NOT a factor after that. Safe sex is a factor. If you are a woman, would you truly trust a guy to safeguard your body and have your interests at heart. I think not. I think they would just say, "Oh, don't worry about it. I'm safe." Women, never assume anyone is safe unless you've personally gone with them to see them tested and pick up the results. Take charge of your body and buy your own protection. It's could be a decision between life and death. Literally.

The Art of Conversation...

I know I have ranted on this before somewhere in this blog but it bears repeating over and over again... Where has the Art of Conversation disappeared to? I recently started going back on AOL and I've yet to wonder if maybe that was a mistake on my part AGAIN! While it is nice to reconnect with online friends I have seen or chatted with in a long while it's the MEN to whom this rant is about (sorry guys). I started going back to AOL to see if I could find some rare much needed adult conversation that didn't involve the words, "Mom...Mom..." those with kids can fill in the blanks. I have been fortunate to find a few that still believe conversations should and can be about books, art, music, life, dream, hopes, and just day to day dealings. These few I cherish and hope to keep around for a while to chat with..the others? Not so much. I have never understood why a man will start talking sex with a complete and total stranger online. Would they do it in real life? In public? At a party or small gathering with a woman they just met? I wish someone would explain it to me. I try to cut these people off quick because I don't really like it, I think it's crude and rude to go from a seemingly normal conversation and then bring sex into it. It's a turn off for me. Majorly! You will have more luck if you just talk like a you aren't a sex-crazed man who never truly gets any and must chat about it with me in IMs. Intelligence is what turns me on. Manners. Caring about my day as I always ask someone about theirs. I recently found myself knee deep in a chat with yes, basically a stranger, because I've not met him nor talked to him on the phone, about sex. I am now not sure if I want to even continue this friendship because I've put myself into a position in which I swore I never would be in. Have I told him? No. Will I tell him? Eventually, yes. For to be honest with myself and him, I must. Will I probably lose his budding friendship, most assuredly but at the risk of my own moral code, so be it. If you want to get to know me, the real me, read this blog. See my pain during the times I've been alone without support or friends. See my strength and my weaknesses. Know this to those who continue to want to discuss sex in my loft..you may get away with it once or twice but eventually, I will cut you off. Completely. It's not that I don't need sex. It's just that I prefer it in person where I can actually see them, touch them, feel them next to me, and hear their voice. That is a turn on. Not some chat with a stranger I don't truly don't know yet.

If you are man, you may want to avoid this post...

If you are a man, you may want to avoid this post..if you read it, be warned: It isn't pretty... I went bra shopping today. You know, those contraptions designed to hold those pesky breasts in place while trying to look sexy doing it. My idea of a bra is a sports bra. Soft, comfortable, easy to take off sports bra. Did I do that today? NOOO, I went and spent $50.00 plus dollars on a dang Victoria Secret bra with under wires! For gosh sakes...underwires. I did manage to find out my breast size which I guess can be a good thing in the future if I go shopping for another one again but sheesh, you know what I hated the most? It wasn't spending the money, it was that freaking full length mirror they had in the dressing room. I mean, come on, how can you feel sexy in a VS bra knowing that you are looking at your oversized, plumb, FAT gut while doing it? Of course, that depressed me. I need to get serious about losing this stupid gut. If I don't want to see myself naked how can a man ever want to? I am just gross...sighs.

Challenges...

I haven't been on here in three years. Wow! Did my life suddenly become boring or did I just find other pursuits? I'm still single. Still a Mom of a mentally challenged daughter. Still working at the same job. As I start this up again, it is mostly because I find myself lost again. After ten years of being single, I am left wondering is it worth it to put myself out there again. Do I need to go through more hurt, rejection, life changing decisions, and being unsure of my next step? I vowed to myself ten years ago that I would not put myself in a vulnerable position again, and yet, here I am again, looking to see what or who is out there. Am I worth knowing? Am I worth loving? Some days I feel so confident and other days I feel so lost. I don't like self pity and yet, I am finding myself more and more depressed at what may be my future. Alone, unloved, and discontent with my lot in life. Why now? why after ten years am I having these feelings? Thus begins my new challenge...to be happy with my life, accept what may never be, and to enjoy it regardless of what is. That, and losing 50lbs. Interesting to see which one gets accomplished first, you think?