Friday, November 24, 2006


I've been reading over my posts for the past year and I noticed a trend. I say I'm lonely a lot and yet, in the next post I say I don't want someone. I wish I could make up my mind. I think it's more that I am lonely at times but I'm too scared to let someone get close enough to end the loneliness. After you've been alone for a while you get settled into a routine. You get comfortable. Having someone step into your life and change all that is very daunting. Scary. It's not only me I have to think of too, it's my daughter. Do I let someone in our lives for her to love only have them walk away? or even worse, will she let someone get close to us? It's been her an I for almost six years now and she's used to it that way. Let's not even discuss intimacy. I can't imagine someone seeing me ...gasp..well, you know...I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm not a blimp but I'm not a svelte young chickie anymore either. It's confusing to me and I still don't know what I want. I do know if I let someone in our lives he has a hard job of convincing me it's going to worth it. A very hard job.

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