Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Something new...

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them".
Leo Tolstoy

I've spent the morning thinking about how I can go about making changes for myself. After much thought, I decided to set weekly goals but if they need to be worked on longer, then monthly goals. My first goal for myself, and I think it will be the hardest but the most important, is to change how I perceive my friendships and actions toward others. I am a self-defeatist. I tend to internalize everything. And I do mean everything. If someone doesn't respond how "I" think they should respond, I automatically assume I've done something wrong. I've erred in some way. I've upset them. Listening to how I think, I see a lot of "I's" in there, don't you? I am selfish by far. Or selfish to the point that I disregard others have lives that don't revolve around me. I am demanding to the point where I've hurt relationships I've been in because I am too needy. My goal is simply this: Demand nothing, assume nothing, and just accept events for what they are in my life. Events. Someone told me yesterday, "Don't judge me, analyze me, try to understand me, or to help me". (Sorry MC but those words made me think too much, as usual (smiles)) In "hearing" those words, I've come to realize I do make too much of things. Try to see too deep into things that are not there. Over-analyze feelings, words, and thoughts. And they have a point, just be a friend. Just be there. Not try so hard to be a friend. I will always care too much, I think that is my nature. But I need to learn the difference between caring and being pushy. Cherish moments when someone shares something with you but if they don't give of themselves, don't take it so personally. I think this goal may need more work than a week, perhaps longer than a month but a start is a start, correct?

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