Holidays ...bah humbug...

Holidays are getting close and it's that time of year when you realize you are truly alone. (Not counting kidlet) I still find it amazing that someone will IM and talk to you for several days and you have good conversations until they see your picture. Then, it's like, oh, that's you. They don't IM you anymore and they don't barely talk to you in the chat room you met them at either. I get that not everyone appeals to everyone but I'm not looking for a romantic relationship anymore. I just want someone to talk to when I feel lonely. I still have a few friends that don't mind my looks and still talk to me quite a bit but it's just sad when someone new does it. Not everyone sees beyond the looks and into the heart of a person, I guess. For those few that do and still talk to me, I cherish and value your friendship. A lot.

Holidays and loneliness go hand in hand. It's that time of year when you wish you had most of your family or friends surrounding you and realize you don't or can't. That time of year when everyone pretends all is well but inside they may be slowly dying. Kidlet will be going away this Christmas for three weeks. Three weeks of quiet, being lonely, and sleeping. That's my plan anyway. Don't expect it to change.

Changes....

It dawned on me today that I am not the same person I was 30 years ago and I never want to be that person again. All my life I've "given in" or "put aside" what I wanted in life or relationships to please the one I was with and keep them with me. All for what? Only to find at 54 years old I'm still alone?

Thirty years ago I was with a guy who wanted me to do things that went against my grain but because I wanted to please him I said yes. Today, those things still haunt me and prevent me from moving forward with any kind of intimacy. A guy gets too close to me and I run the other way. There is a guy now that wants me to be something I'm not because it's what "he likes" and I just can't do it. I'm all for compromise but to completely give myself over to a guy, I can't do it anymore. It's not in me.

I did things years ago, drugs and sex, that I would never do today. I've changed. For the better, I'm not so sure. I still open myself up to heartache and censure but even though I pretend to be a solitary creature, I'm not. I like having someone to talk to and be with but the idea still scares me to death.

I'm convinced I will die alone with just the kiddo with me. Perhaps, that is better. This way I don't ruin someone's life like mine is ruined....

Life gets busy....

Life gets busy sometimes and I don't always think to write about it thus there have been no posts as of late. Not much is going on either which is the norm for me. I did finally go out on a date yesterday. Lunch and a movie. It was okay. No fireworks, no chemistry, no wanting to tear the clothes off each other (at least not on my part) but he was a nice guy and I did enjoy the time we had together. Do it again? I don't know. I'm afraid he might think I was looking for more with him and I'm not. I'm not totally happy with my life but I am okay with still being alone. I have online friends I talk to and hope to meet some day but until then, I'm content. Or maybe I'm lying to myself?

Sometimes in life...

You try to convince yourself that someone found you that really is real and cares about you only to find out they are a scammer. While you try to come to terms with the vast loneliness you really feel in life that you almost believed him, it hurts deep down to know it was not and never will be real. Encounters with scammers break trust, strip you have your ability to be open with someone, and make you feel stupid that you could have almost believed them. My life is lonely, I must face that. It will be a long time before I let anyone close to me again and that, makes me the most sad.

Chat Room Annoyances...

I usually go in a chat room in the mornings but lately, with all the politics, it seems everyone is at each others throats. Not everyone will agree with everyone else on regard as to which person they are backing and last time I checked, that is their right! To call someone out and be just hateful and rude because they don't answer as you think they should is..well..just petty. I remember why I left AOL five years ago and it's slowly going to happen again. I've made a few friends that I hope I will stay in touch with but overall, I won't miss the petty, hateful, mean, bitchy, and small mindedness of some of the people I've come across. Life is too short for hate...I don't want my remaining years to become so bitter that I forget the good I have and the waste it with those that drag others down. Life is for laughing, living, and loving...I'm going to do that for myself.

Every once in a while...

I get a glimpse, a taste if you will, of what life could be like with someone else in mine. The opportunity to have someone to share my days with, to talk to about everything, to be intimate. Every once in a while I get that glimpse...then its gone.

Rerun of a rerun...

I'm posting this (again) because I truly like it and I'm tired of trying to find it on this blog when I want it..just go with it.

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like...
Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

It's 3:11 am...

I'm awake. Why, I don't know. My mind races sometimes thinking about the direction my life has gone. The people that come and go. I don't always understand why people leave my life but I guess as with all things, I have no control over it. You let them go because you have to do so. All the while wishing things were different, could be different. New people come and take their place. You just wait to see what happens. Will they stay or will they go? It's hard to trust anyone when you are always abandoned. Build that wall, pretend to be happy so no one really sees the pain. Carry on your life just existing because that's all you can do. Work, home, sleep. Existing. I don't want to die alone but as each day passes this is looking more and more life an inevitable part of my life. Going to be a tough day today....

I can't..

I can't be what you want...
I can't be what you want.
I can't be all things to you. In being all things to you, I lose sight of me.
I can't be what you want. I can't give up my independence.In losing my independence, I lose my sense of self.
I can't be what you want. I can't be the love of your life, if I don't feel love.
I don't want to care. I can't. Don't ask me to be what you want. Don't ask me to be what you need. I can't.

My List..

I made this list back and 2006 and it still holds up to what I want in life...


1.) You must honor my independence. I'm not overly needy in the fact that I need to be saved from every crisis that comes my way. Offer your advice but don't be pissed off if I don't follow it. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a demand that I follow it and if it is, you don't need to be here.

2.) Realize that I have feelings too. Words have the ability to cut me to the quick. I realize people have fights but try to keep an eye on what you are fighting about when doing it. Don't throw in stuff that has no relevance to the fight at hand. Past mistakes are just that, past mistakes.

3.) Don't be surprised that I don't wear makeup (very rarely although I do own some, I think) and that I'm not comfortable in dresses. (I do own some, I think) I'm very down to earth and am more comfortable in a pair of jeans or sweats. I've lived that way for 54 yrs now and I seriously doubt I will become comfortable turning into someone I'm not now. I do know how to dress up, I prefer not to.

4.) Don't be surprised if I read at any time, any where. It's not a reflection on you. It's my way of destressing myself. Closing myself off from my surroundings so I can regroup. My alone time. I don't need to be entertained every second of every day. Better yet, if I need to read, Go watch sports, I won't mind.

5.) I don't like to go out except to dinner, movies, or to browse through book stores. I do occasionally like flea markets and antique shows. I'm not a social butterfly. I do better in small groups. I'm quite happy staying at home or going out with a few close friends. Large crowds and I do not get along very well. I tend to blend as far into the woodwork as I can get.

6.) I have secrets. I have a past. Don't expect me to share them all. If I do, do NOT ever throw them back into my face. I'm 54 years old and I was not a NUN the whole time.

7.) I will say that I prefer intelligence. I cannot bring myself to be with someone who does not read, can't converse, or doesn't know the difference between able have a thought and parroting thoughts of others.

8.) Looks. They truly are not important if you've managed to impress me in other ways. No one is perfect. I am not. We all have our demons. We are too fat, skinny, short, tall, or just plain. Beautiful people scare me. I admire them but I worry there isnt much more there than that. IF that sounds bad, I'm sorry. It's just me.

9.) You have to love kids. Truly enjoy being around them. I have a mentally challenged child. She isn't going away. I'm not shipping her off to a home unless that becomes a must which I doubt. Her wants and needs always come before my own or anyone else's. IF you can't accept that, don't even bother me.

10.) Learn to live with a woman moods. I am post-menapausal and I am dissatisfied with my body, self, and moods. I understand this. I accept it. It's part of the cycle of life and it will eventually right itself. This is mostly the reason I do live alone. (Update-the moods are gone, the rest of it went to crap)

Most importantly, be yourself. I don't want someone perfect. I do need someone with a job. I have one, you have one too. I'm sure there are a dozen other things a person looks for in someone but these, I think, are the most important to me. Good luck! : )

It's just too funny....

Someone gave me such a good laugh this evening. I was accused of being a drama queen because I expected them to share their phone number with me since I shared mine. Number one rule you learn on AOL: If a man doesn't share his number, he is either married or living with someone. It was just too funny to not share because for those who truly know me, a drama queen I am not. I wasn't born yesterday, I've been around the block a time or two, so saying I'm obsessing over a reasonable request to share your phone number...and a drama queen! Give me a break you are married!

Heartbroken....

My heart is heavy and feeling broken at the thought of losing my father in law. While we haven't really stayed in touch much after my husband died, I've always loved him and have the utmost respect for him. My daughter, his grand daughter, is hurting so much right now. The only comfort she has is that she got to see him today and, maybe, say her good byes to him. We don't expect him to last much longer and at the age of 95, he's probably ready to go. Lauren, my daughter, said she told him just one thing, "If he's ready to go home, go, but when he goes, to please say hello to her father for her when he goes home." It's times like these that I hate the fact that her father died. He's missed so much of her life by leaving us when she was only 6 months old. While I try to comfort her with the possibility of this upcoming loss in her life, I also have to be aware it will be like losing her father all over again. This is her Grandpa, her daddy's father, once he's gone, she's lost the last tangible thing to her father. She has Aunts and Uncles on that side, but it's not the same as losing her daddy's daddy. My heart hurts for her so much....

It's days like today....

When I am tired and exhausted and it makes me question my judgement of where my life needs to go. Do I keep the status quo or do I let someone in only to be hurt again because sometimes I just want an adult to talk to instead of a kidlet. I've decided that if I do want a man in my life, he better be my best friend. I want someone I can laugh with and talk to way after the body parts no longer work right. Sex is great but have a lasting relationship of mutual respect and admiration can go a long way with me. If you think that I am only here as a FWB, think again, I can do without it. Already have for years now..what's a few more?

Note to self....

Self, you really aren't all that important in the grand scheme of life. Just a drop in the bucket or a sand in time.

Another one bites the dust....

I've been talking to someone online lately as it's been feeling like deja vu all over again. I've done this before... Waiting on a man to come online to talk to me, waiting for a man to call me, waiting... I don't have his number even though he had mine. First sign a man is involved with someone else, they don't share their phone number. They only call when in their car. They only talk to you while they are at work. Last night was enough. Game over. No more chances. I don't need the bullshit. Don't want the bullshit. Carry on to some other fool because this woman is NOT so desperate that she needs YOU in her life. Nope, not happening. See ya....NOT!

I can tell...

It's going to be one of those "bad days." I try to keep busy to keep my mind from thinking too much but I don't always succeed. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish my life had gone in other directions. I think about the people I've met, lost, or may meet and wonder is it all worth it to put myself out there and let the wall down. I had let it down for someone and they hurt me. So back up it goes! If you get past it, consider yourself a part of my life I rarely share, me. If you don't, you probably won't really miss it anyway. No more over-sharing or letting loose. Back to closed up little old me. It's safer that way.

I wonder why...

People come and go in your life without any explanation? I had an online friend that just, for some reason, decided to quit talking to me. I don't know what I did, or why they did, or what happened but they just stopped. I'm not going to beg them for an answer though because if they feel they can't talk to me anymore, it's on them, not me. I don't beg anyone to be a part of their life. I know I'm a good person and people should want to be a part of my life. You can't make people want, like, or love you. Whatever they have going on in their life, I wish them the best. I truly do for they are a great person, even if they had trouble seeing it for themselves. It just makes me sad I won't be talking to them anymore...sighs.

It's so sad....

When you meet an articulate, smart, and nice looking man online only to find out that he's no different than any other man you've met online so far. Twenty minutes into a conversation and he wants to talk about sex. I let it slide the first time but when he offers to "gift" me to talk sex with him which would make me a "whore" of sorts then I just cut it off. It's so sad because I could've have liked him for himself and he didn't have to "buy" affection or tell his net worth to make himself likable. I hope in the future he learns that the way to a woman's heart isn't about money, sex, or what he can give her but what he can give of himself and how he makes her feel when she is talking to him or with him. True happiness is found in the little things, not the big things, or making a woman feel whorish. Sad..so sad....

This says it all...

When you’re a plus size woman, people like to say "Yeah, she's cute in the face." As if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! There's more to me than my weight, I also have a heart. Yes, my clothes may be a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight. So don’t think your small frame gives you more pull, I’m a fabulous curvy woman with a figure that's full!!

Three more days...

Three more days until we move to the new place. I'm so ready to go. Almost all packed except a few things in the kitchen and this computer. I wont' have Internet access until I find a new provider but hopefully that won't take too long. Kidlet is out of town for two weeks while I make this move for us. One less stress and worry about things. Now, if it would only hold off on the freaking RAIN until I get everything out of here!!

Life changes....

Life is going to be changing again for us. I found a place in next town for us to live that has all the things I wanted ... 2 bedroom/ 1 bath..washer and dryer connection. I am so excited to be finally moving over there because I've been wanting to for years now. It is closer to my work, daycare for kidlet, and more shops and food places. I've been slowly getting packed up but there is barely any room to put anything I pack up right now. I'm downsizing again once more by getting rid of things I don't want or need. I'm putting my personal life, what there is of it, on hold until we move. Life is ever changing...

Random musing and jibberish...

I've been thinking a lot lately about disappearing from people's lives and just going back to me and the kidlet only. Why? Because I don't like it when someone tries to "fix" things for me as if I'm incompetent or if someone tells me "my problems are trivial compared to others." Who needs to feel incompetent or unimportant? True, my life is sort of in a shambles right now. Praying I get the okay to move to a new place, packing, figuring out how to afford the higher rent, making sure the kidlet is okay while doing all of this "adulting." I don't place a high priority on other people right now and I feel as if I somehow being called to task over it because my life and my kid are more important. I don't always have time to play or tease or be light hearted when all I really want to do is crawl in bed, curl up, and cry. When you talk to other people, you have to be witty, charming, and tend to their needs before your own, and honestly, I'm not sure I have the energy or the strength to do that and I don't want to offend anyone. I just want chat about a bunch of nothing to take my mind off what I have going on but it tends to get personal when I don't want it to be. Let's be honest here. I'm 215lbs of fat, jiggling fat...I have no teeth unless I wear my dentures (which god forbid, women find this out because then it's ewwww), and I have the kid. I have no energy except to do what I need to do in life and that is about it. I don't feel sexy, wanton, or desired except as a conquest by a few people. Being around people who constantly talk about how their diets keep them lean and trim and anyone can lose weight is not my idea of a fun time. If I don't have the time and energy now how the hell am I going to have the time and energy to exercise and do other fun exciting things? I'm sure those that read this will think I'm such a whiner but it reality, I am just venting because no one truly understands the strain I am sometimes under. It's my life, my problems, and they matter. Even if some don't think they do....if people only knew how hard it is sometimes to just NOT take the whole bottle of Trazodone....

Being needy...

Is it being needy to want someone to hold you sometimes, just to feel that closeness next to you? Is it being needy to want to have someone to lean on once in a while and maybe "rescue" you from your problems but not too much? Is it being needy to just want someone in your life at all?

I think I made ONE big huge mistake...

I made such a big mistake going back online to AOL. I only wanted to find adult conversation and instead find myself tied up in more knots than I know what with in life. Yes, Men. I think I prefer going back to my solitary life where I don't have to worry about trying to please someone else, be something I'm not, and settle for things I can't have. I didn't have a bad life. I was alone and didn't take any shit from anyone. I need that back. I need to stay alone. Forget being happy with someone and just be happy with me and kidlet. Yep, that's what I need.

May the 4th be with you..yadda...yadda...yadda

Supposed to be a Stars Wars kind of day...not my cup of tea but they aren't bad movies. Not much going on right now. I guess all's quite on the open front is good news. Smashed my poor little pinky in the car door last Friday but finally feeling better. A little numb on the edge of it but otherwise it's all good. Just haven't felt like writing lately. Still same old problems, same old day... later...

Happy Birthday to me!

It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to... I'm 54 today. Where has time gone? It's going by faster and faster every year and every year on my birthday I promise myself there will be changes. Do I keep that promise? No. I break promises only to myself not to others. I wonder why that is? Maybe because I know I will forgive myself while someone else might not? Anyway, I have to work today and not really celebrating the day. This is the only day of the year I really like surprises, otherwise, I don't like them. I hope someone surprises me today with something nice and unexpected. Anything... a card, flowers, candy, cake, or a hug. I'm easy...haha.

A thousand years...

A Thousand Years

I swear I'm not bitter...

I swear I am not bitter or a prude. I have noticed that a lot of my posts lately are rants or dislikes of things I find on AOL. I am seriously not bitter nor am I a prude, I just am frustrated at the lack of conversation skills I find online. I am very much a woman who likes intimacy but doesn't want to be just used for that nor do I want to be taken advantage of by those pretending to like me but disappearing after they seemingly get whatever it is they were after from me. Please feel free to ask to IM, intrigue me, make me laugh, and above all remember, I am a person, not a sex object. This is the last post I'll make on this subject for I am getting tired of repeating myself and for anyone who reads this, I'm sure you are getting tired of reading it. I can't always promise to post happy pretty thoughts for on many days, dark thoughts run through my head sometimes as life tends to get shitty, but I will promise to not berate this subject any longer. Please feel free to leave comments on my posts. It's nice to know someone is actually reading this nonsense sometimes... : )

AOL chatroom rules to live by.....or IMs

1. Never give a guy what they want. The minute you do, they disappear.
2. Never share personal problems.
3. Always be chipper, fun, and great to talk too...even if you are crying inside. No one wants a Debbie Downer.
4. Never think anyone is serious about you.
5. Unless you meet in person, trust no one or trust very few.
6. Life is a bitch, don't be one online.

The Cold Hard Truth...

I was laying in bed thinking this evening that of all the guys I talk to (and the list is small) that not one of them ever inquires as to my kidlet's well being. Several of them have expressed interest in meeting with me but I don't think they care at all about my true life. They may have some ultimate fantasy about what will happen when we meet but that may not be true. It truly saddens me to face the cold hard truth that they don't care enough about me or my life to inquire about such a major part of it. Nothing major needs to be asked, just a simple, "how's the kidlet today?" would suffice. A hard truth to realize...sighs.

All's quiet on the home front...mostly..

Life is moving along with good news and bad news. Found out that my rent IS going up and I owe back rent ..sheesh I just can't catch a break. Have to move again in August too...sighs. Good news is I am still alive. Not much else going on right now and just too tired to write tonight. Back soon!

I hate this...

I hate being depressed. Sucks the life right out of you. I just can't stop crying tonight for some reason. It's pity party time, I guess. I had better dreams for my life than this...I wanted to be married, have my own house, a job if I wanted to work or option to stay home. I never imagined I'd be single at (almost) 54 with no end in sight. I miss being with someone. I miss someone caring about what is going on in my life. Ah, shit...going to stop now. Gotta shake this off and fast...!!!

Says it all...

I hate...

Insomnia! I haven't had this in months and tonight my mind won't shut off and I can't sleep. I'll be so tired today...sighs.

It's amazing...

I was looking back through some of my older posts in 2010. That's the year Lauren had the twins. She wasn't talking to me much that year and I've only lately found out because it was from marital problems and wasn't me. Lauren is private. A lot more private than I am but as strong and independent like me. Neither one of us ever want to be "rescued" but prefer to try to make life work on our own. She's having personal problems right now in her life and for once, coming to Mom to talk them out and make decisions. She's not always happy with my advice or ideas but she does listen to them. I've always wanted to be much closer to her because we've had some hard times in our lives between us. Maybe, now, this is our chance. As for privacy, I like write. I always have. I find that if I write down how I feel and get some measure of relief from the pressures of life. I am always under so much pressure. I have to work, support me and the kidlet, get out of debt, and just keep things on an even keel. I can't handle stress at all. I try to live in a no drama zone. The last time I was stressed I broke out in a bad itchy rash. Isn't that just crazy? My stress level goes external at least and not internally where it could do more harm than good. One of these days I know I'll get everything I want in life but until GOD decides when that will be, I'll just have to be content with my lot in life. It's not such a bad life after all sometimes...

Rerun...

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like... Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

Ten needs...

Ten Needs of Special Need Parents I think there are so much more but this is a very basic list...

Something to smiile about...

My babies and the kidlet with her friend at daycare...

Kind of sucks...

When you try so hard to make it in this life and survive only to be knocked down once again...Found out today that I "make too much money" to live in my current housing and my rent will be going up and I'll have to find another place to move once lease expires. I'd like to know where this too much money stuff actually is because its not in my pocket. I am trying to get rid of debt that I had to create two years ago when my job cut my hours and now that. I can't win. All I can do is hand it over to God and hope he has something better planned for me because right now I don't see it. If it was only me in this life, I could live in my car but it's not. The kidlet need shelter, food, clothing, warmth, etc.. I do it all for her. So God, if you are listening, can you help me out once again? I really need it. Thanks.

Judge not...least you be judged...

As I was cleaning house today I was thinking back to a room conversation. Well, several of them actually. In each one, someone had said something negative toward me because my opinion was different from their own. One even asked me what was wrong with me. As if, my views, were no more important than her own because I didn't agree with her. Let's get one thing straight..I am my own person. I have my own thoughts. I pay my own bills. I live my own life. If my views do not match yours, I do not judge you nor do I think less of you for them. I love a good debate. If my views turn yours so be it. If your views turn mine so be it but do not ever assume that I will change solely based on the case that I want to be "one of the crowd." I never have been and I never will be. Please, if you don't agree with me, that is fine. I will not judge you for it. Do not judge me for my views either as they are mine and only mine.

Why ..oh ..why....

Do men just not get me? What is so hard to understand that I have NO desire whatsoever to have sex, talk about sex, or even elude to sex ONLINE. Is it really that difficult to get that they are complete STRANGERS to me. It's like going down the street and grabbing the first guy I see and saying, "Hey, let's go fuck!" It's NOT going to happen. EVER. So stop..for the love of God, just stop! If I'm good enough to try to have online sex talk or talk about wanting to meet me in person to screw, am I not good enough to even get to know first? That's the problem. I am never just good enough. Never enough. I had this problem with my ex bf. I just wasn't enough. I'm tired of NOT being enough. I want to be it ALL. Always. Forever. Amen.

Differences of opinions...

It was an interesting night in the chat room this evening. One topic was the subject of birth control and who should be responsible for it, man or woman? Personally, I think a woman should be in charge of her own body and birth control. If you are mature enough to have sex with a man you should be mature enough to not assume a man "should take care of it." Be independent and in charge. Buy your own method of birth control and use it. What really strikes me as funny? This is in a room where some if not all of the women should be post menopausal or starting to be menopausal. Birth control is NOT a factor after that. Safe sex is a factor. If you are a woman, would you truly trust a guy to safeguard your body and have your interests at heart. I think not. I think they would just say, "Oh, don't worry about it. I'm safe." Women, never assume anyone is safe unless you've personally gone with them to see them tested and pick up the results. Take charge of your body and buy your own protection. It's could be a decision between life and death. Literally.

The Art of Conversation...

I know I have ranted on this before somewhere in this blog but it bears repeating over and over again... Where has the Art of Conversation disappeared to? I recently started going back on AOL and I've yet to wonder if maybe that was a mistake on my part AGAIN! While it is nice to reconnect with online friends I have seen or chatted with in a long while it's the MEN to whom this rant is about (sorry guys). I started going back to AOL to see if I could find some rare much needed adult conversation that didn't involve the words, "Mom...Mom..." those with kids can fill in the blanks. I have been fortunate to find a few that still believe conversations should and can be about books, art, music, life, dream, hopes, and just day to day dealings. These few I cherish and hope to keep around for a while to chat with..the others? Not so much. I have never understood why a man will start talking sex with a complete and total stranger online. Would they do it in real life? In public? At a party or small gathering with a woman they just met? I wish someone would explain it to me. I try to cut these people off quick because I don't really like it, I think it's crude and rude to go from a seemingly normal conversation and then bring sex into it. It's a turn off for me. Majorly! You will have more luck if you just talk like a you aren't a sex-crazed man who never truly gets any and must chat about it with me in IMs. Intelligence is what turns me on. Manners. Caring about my day as I always ask someone about theirs. I recently found myself knee deep in a chat with yes, basically a stranger, because I've not met him nor talked to him on the phone, about sex. I am now not sure if I want to even continue this friendship because I've put myself into a position in which I swore I never would be in. Have I told him? No. Will I tell him? Eventually, yes. For to be honest with myself and him, I must. Will I probably lose his budding friendship, most assuredly but at the risk of my own moral code, so be it. If you want to get to know me, the real me, read this blog. See my pain during the times I've been alone without support or friends. See my strength and my weaknesses. Know this to those who continue to want to discuss sex in my loft..you may get away with it once or twice but eventually, I will cut you off. Completely. It's not that I don't need sex. It's just that I prefer it in person where I can actually see them, touch them, feel them next to me, and hear their voice. That is a turn on. Not some chat with a stranger I don't truly don't know yet.

If you are man, you may want to avoid this post...

If you are a man, you may want to avoid this post..if you read it, be warned: It isn't pretty... I went bra shopping today. You know, those contraptions designed to hold those pesky breasts in place while trying to look sexy doing it. My idea of a bra is a sports bra. Soft, comfortable, easy to take off sports bra. Did I do that today? NOOO, I went and spent $50.00 plus dollars on a dang Victoria Secret bra with under wires! For gosh sakes...underwires. I did manage to find out my breast size which I guess can be a good thing in the future if I go shopping for another one again but sheesh, you know what I hated the most? It wasn't spending the money, it was that freaking full length mirror they had in the dressing room. I mean, come on, how can you feel sexy in a VS bra knowing that you are looking at your oversized, plumb, FAT gut while doing it? Of course, that depressed me. I need to get serious about losing this stupid gut. If I don't want to see myself naked how can a man ever want to? I am just gross...sighs.

Challenges...

I haven't been on here in three years. Wow! Did my life suddenly become boring or did I just find other pursuits? I'm still single. Still a Mom of a mentally challenged daughter. Still working at the same job. As I start this up again, it is mostly because I find myself lost again. After ten years of being single, I am left wondering is it worth it to put myself out there again. Do I need to go through more hurt, rejection, life changing decisions, and being unsure of my next step? I vowed to myself ten years ago that I would not put myself in a vulnerable position again, and yet, here I am again, looking to see what or who is out there. Am I worth knowing? Am I worth loving? Some days I feel so confident and other days I feel so lost. I don't like self pity and yet, I am finding myself more and more depressed at what may be my future. Alone, unloved, and discontent with my lot in life. Why now? why after ten years am I having these feelings? Thus begins my new challenge...to be happy with my life, accept what may never be, and to enjoy it regardless of what is. That, and losing 50lbs. Interesting to see which one gets accomplished first, you think?