I'm so going to regret this...

I decided to once again join Match.com. I'm going to regret it. They either wink at you..or just view the profile. This time I just put it up there plain. I have an 18 yr old mentally challenged child that isn't leaving my life. Take us or leave us. Maybe it's just me. I'm just too dang tired of the games. The hunt. The losers. Or maybe, I am just plain tired...

I just don't get it...

I don't know why she does it. I just don't understand her mind. Over and over again, I tell her, DO NOT bang on the radio or the DVD player. That does NOT fix it! Does she listen? NOOOOOOO Another DVD player has bit the dust. This time though, I'm trying to get her sister to get her a combo TV/DVD player. Then she can't beat on it. At least I hope her sister gets it for her for Xmas. If not, I'll have to do it somehow. Sighs...

A friend sent this and I love it...

IF A MAN WANTS YOU...
(WRITTEN BY A MAN)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behaviors.Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.He is a man, nothing more, nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Romantic movies...

I really need to stop watching romantic movies. Boy meets Girl. Girl falls in love. Boy after many mishaps realize he loves Girl. They get married. Live happily ever after. Pffft... why can't that happen to me?

A lot of thinking...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly because my IMs on AOL seem to be picking up. I get my fair share of idiots though. "What are you wearing?" and "What would you be wearing?" seems to be the current theme lately. I've decided to post what I am looking for in a man. It will probably be way too much to ask but here goes anyway. Besides the usual honesty, trust, humor, intelligence, blah blah blah... I need more. Here is my list for you to stand a chance:

1.) You must honor my independence. I'm not overly needy in the fact that I need to be saved from every crisis that comes my way. Offer your advice but don't be pissed off if I don't follow it. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a demand that I follow it and if it is, you don't need to be here.

2.) Realize that I have feelings too. Words have the ability to cut me to the quick. I realize people have fights but try to keep an eye on what you are fighting about when doing it. Don't throw in stuff that has no relevance to the fight at hand. Past mistakes are just that, past mistakes.

3.) Don't be surprised that I don't wear makeup (very rarely although I do own some, I think) and that I'm not comfortable in dresses. (I do own some, I think) I'm very down to earth and am more comfortable in a pair of jeans or sweats. I've lived that way for 44 yrs now and I seriously doubt I will become comfortable turning into someone I'm not now. I do know how to dress up, I prefer not to.

4.) Don't be surprised if I read at any time, any where. It's not a reflection on you. It's my way of destressing myself. Closing myself off from my surroundings so I can regroup. My alone time. I don't need to be entertained every second of every day. Better yet, if I need to read. Go watch sports, I won't mind.

5.) I don't like to go out except to dinner, movies, or to browse through book stores. I do occasionally like flea markets and antique shows. I'm not a social butterfly. I do better in small groups. I'm quite happy staying at home or going out with a few close friends. Large crowds and I do not get along very well. I tend to blend as far into the woodwork as I can get.

6.) I have secrets. I have a past. Don't expect me to share them all. If I do, do NOT ever throw them back into my face. I've lived for 44 yrs. I was not a NUN the whole time.

7.) I will say that I prefer intelligence. I cannot bring myself to be with someone who does not read, can't converse, or doesn't know the difference between able have a thought and parroting thoughts of others.

8.) Looks. They truly are not important if you've managed to impress me in other ways. No one is perfect. I am not. We all have our demons. We are too fat, skinny, short, tall, or just plain. Beautiful people scare me. I admire them but I worry there isnt much more there than that. IF that sounds bad, I'm sorry. It's just me.

9.) You have to love kids. Truly enjoy being around them. I have a mentally challenged child. She isn't going away. I'm not shipping her off to a home unless that becomes a must which I doubt. Her wants and needs always come before my own or anyone else's. IF you can't accept that, don't even bother me.

10.) Learn to live with a woman moods. I am peri-menapausal and I am dissatisfied with my body, self, and moods. I understand this. I accept it. It's part of the cycle of life and it will eventually right itself. This is mostly the reason I do live alone.

Most importantly, be yourself. I don't want someone perfect. I do need someone with a job. I have one, you have one too. I'm sure there are a dozen other things a person looks for in someone but these, I think, are the most important to me. Good luck! : )

Reviews...

I've been reading over my posts for the past year and I noticed a trend. I say I'm lonely a lot and yet, in the next post I say I don't want someone. I wish I could make up my mind. I think it's more that I am lonely at times but I'm too scared to let someone get close enough to end the loneliness. After you've been alone for a while you get settled into a routine. You get comfortable. Having someone step into your life and change all that is very daunting. Scary. It's not only me I have to think of too, it's my daughter. Do I let someone in our lives for her to love only have them walk away? or even worse, will she let someone get close to us? It's been her an I for almost six years now and she's used to it that way. Let's not even discuss intimacy. I can't imagine someone seeing me ...gasp..well, you know...I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm not a blimp but I'm not a svelte young chickie anymore either. It's confusing to me and I still don't know what I want. I do know if I let someone in our lives he has a hard job of convincing me it's going to worth it. A very hard job.

Questions..Questions...

I really don't like being asked what do I do for fun. I truly don't. I don't go out to bars, parties, have friends that come over, or spend money shopping. I read. I take care of my child. I sit out on my front porch, that I love, and contemplate life's mysteries and wonder how I ended up where I am. I take my kidlet to the park and laugh as she tries to teach herself how to swing. She can't quite get the whole legs go up and down part to make her move and seems surprised when it does finally work. I laugh when she sees a dandelion and thinks its a pretty flower that is made just for her to blow on and watching her surprise when they disappear and float away. I don't miss going out to bars. I do miss going out to eat without worrying if she will offend someone because she tells everyone hello and wants to talk to whomever catches her eye. I miss going to a movie without worrying if she's talk and laugh so loud at the screen because she enjoys it so much. I miss...nah, I don't really miss any of that. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You can never have enough laughter. How do I have fun? I be myself...quiet, appreciative, and thankful God chose me to raise a child such as her.

Thanksgiving is upon us once again..

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving day tomorrow. Plenty to eat, lots of time to nap, and family and friends close by to keep you company. If not, just come to my house...there's plenty since it's just the kidlet and I... Happy Thanksgiving !!!

It's cold here this morning!!

Okay, Texas is in the South. It should not be 34 degrees here but it is that cold. I love it!! Of course, I'll freeze in the warehouses but still it beats 110 plus degrees. Going to be a great day at work, weather permitting.

I've been thinking lately that I seem to have lost my sense of humor, my spark, my whatever you want to call it, in my writings. All I do is complain. Go on, admit it. You've been getting rather tired of it too, right? I've started an AOL Journal also so I'm going to see if I can find my humor and post it there. I'll try to be humorous here too but I have to have some place to vent, right? Enjoy the day!!

Melancholy Moods..

I think I figured it out. Why I've been so ..so..melancholy of late. I am needing a supreme adult conversation. On books, life, anything but Smallville, CDs, and "Mom, I need...". I am rarely starved for conversation with others usually due to the fact that a lot of people rarely are into books or philosophy anymore. The Internet has taken place of their entertainment and news. I was reading another blog the other day where Stephen King was mentioned (check link on the right) and it brought back memories of discussions I would have with other book lovers. I hear a lot of people these days say, "Oh, I never read fiction". I wonder why? What is wrong with using fiction to escape to a place only your mind can find? I think reading a book that makes you use your imagination to place yourself there works it so very well. You can read non-fiction but usually there is no tale, significant story line, or sometimes terror built in to make your mind try to imagine, "What's next?". I've read a few biographies in life and they are all the same. They hop, skip, and jump from one part of the person's life to another. No main line to keep me interested. Of course, I did read one book this weekend that I would normally never touch, "Culture Warrior". I recommend this book mainly because it will make you think. O'Reilly has managed to "awaken" a part of my mind that I usually keep closed off. Politics. I rarely think about politics. I figure this world is going to move on in any direction it wants to no matter what I choose to do. His take on secular-progressive vs tradionalists makes for an eye-opening interesting read. I won't go into long details about it, get the book. I don't think you will regret it.

Mail call..

I just went out to check my snail mail. How exciting! Another advertisement to throw in the trash can. I guess I should count myself lucky that I don't get bill after bill, meaningless letter after letter, and too much junk. I even sometimes forget to check the thing..amazing, isn't it?

Beta Blogs..

I made the transition to the Google blog and I guess we will see how it goes. I can see it now, losing everything I've written in the past year but then again, it's not all that important anyway. Just ramblings...

The holidays are once again upon us and at this time of year I always get down. I don't mind being alone, not really, but sometimes, I do get lonely. I wonder where my life is going to go and if I will like the path it does take down the road. I look at my weight that I can't seem to shake off and just hate the fact that my body is no longer as supple as a twenty-year old. Who wants a woman with stretch marks, cellulite, and wide-ass hips? I'm tired this evening. Kidlet decided it was time to get up at 3am this morning and when I'm tired, I'm whiny. Something in the air today is tearing my sinuses up and that is also making me very miserable. I wish this weather would make up it's mind. Cold one day and somewhat warm the next. I can't afford to get sick so I'm convincing myself it's just sinuses and will go away SOON. All I really want to know is answer to that age old question... "Are we having fun yet?"

Time flies so fast...

It's been almost a year now since I told someone goodbye and ended a friendship. I still miss them. I wonder how they are doing and if they ever think of me. I know it's counter-productive to do so but I can't help it. I tend to care too much about people. I know it's my emotions being over-run today due to hormones but it still hurts. Losses. Sometimes I love my life. No one to answer to, pick up after (cept the kid), make compromises for, and worry about them. Then again, I miss someone around to cry on their shoulder, hold me when I feel lonely, help with the kid, and to love me. Trade offs, are they really worth it?

Rats..rats...and double rats...

(Men avoid this one)

I was so hoping I could just slip into menapause without any problems, worries, or whatnots. No such luck. After 161 days without a you know what, I started today. So far it's not too bad. I was imagining all sorts of dire cramping, flooding, and major aches. I do have this headache or tense neck muscle but I'm not sure how much of that is due to tension or my job. I'm a tad moody this week so have been avoiding AOL like the plague. I've no patience for idiots when I get this way.

Kidlet is doing okay. Slight cold but meds are making that one go away.

I keep meaning to call my Aunt and see how she is doing but I keep putting it off. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still down about my Uncle or if I just don't want to talk to anyone at all right now. I will force myself to call her soon though. I should do it because I do really love this Aunt better than any other one I have in the family.

Not much going on other than that this week. Work is keeping me hopping as usual. Until next time...

It's not been a good week...

Sunday, the 29th, my Uncle passed away. Thus began the start of "the not good week". I found out about my Uncle on Wednesday. Why didn't my relatives have my phone number? They called an Aunt of mine who proceeded to call me at work. I immediately thought, oh no, something happened to that side of the family. No, I was wrong. Something happened on the other side of the family. The good side. The best guy. The sweetest man on this earth who would get up in the middle of the night to help anyone. He was a preacher, a family man, a car salesman (I know, ironic, isn't it?), a fisherman, and most of all, the husband of 54 years to my Aunt. Can you imagine being married for 54 years? I can't even imagine having a relationship anymore that would last a month. Needless to say, I had to make a rush trip to Oklahoma on Wednesday. They were able to get in touch with me just in time for me to attend the funeral on Thursday. I keep kicking myself because I've been wanting to go up there all last month. Next time, I'll listen to myself. A word of advice though: NEVER EVER hit Fort Worth at 5pm on a weekday. It took me an hour and a half to drive through it. Fortunately there were no major accidents in which to slow me down even more. I arrived back home on Thursday night at 8pm. Totally exhausted, emotionally and physically. A small price to pay to say my goodbyes to this man, my Uncle. Sighs.

Sad but happy...

I'm a tad sad. My Grandson, Ryan, is a year old today. I can't make his party but what I am sad about is that I didn't even get an invite. True, I forfeit any rights in their lives due to her not being my daughter except by blood, but it would've been nice to at least get the invite. I'm truly happy that her and I finally crossed paths in life (I gave her up for adoption when I was 16) and what little bit she does allow me in is great but....okay, I want to whine about it. She does talk to her sister a bit more and for that I am grateful also. Her sister has known about her since she was little and always wanted to meet her. I guess I could just say something to her. Be open about how I've been feeling. Not today though..today is his day. I'll just call and wish him Happy Birthday. Least I can do.

I'm restless...

I'm so restless lately. I don't know if it's the weather finally changing and becoming bearable or if it's only me. Work has slowed down (for now) and that isn't too bad although I don't handle having nothing to do too well. Pickup has been causing a few problems but hopefully mechanic has that fixed. Got to buy groceries today so we don't starve for the next few weeks. Kidlet seems happy lately or at least, she's not asserting herself in non-positive ways. Maybe I'm just lonely... for something.....I don't know what.

I've been busy..with stuff.

I've been busy updating my resume lately. I figure it couldn't hurt. I had one once in the format of a web site but I can't find the disks I stored it on. I've been looking over my education and my work history and I can't say I've had any regrets. Oh okay, one maybe. Instead of working on an Accounting and General Business (Assoc's) degrees, I wish I had went with my other love, Database Management. I've managed to accumulate over 100 hrs of education and am still not doing what I love best. Messing with computers. The classes I need are only offered in the daytime at our local community college and I don't want to take out another school loan to survive while continuing that part of my degree. I've managed to pay off what little bit of a loan I did have and I'm not too much in debt at the moment and want to keep it that way. I could do it via Internet, I suppose, but I'm the type of person that needs to see and hear something for it to sink in. I know my strengths and weaknesses and doing it via Internet would not work for me. So, I am just updating my resume just in case things don't work out with this new company. Can't hurt, right? I miss school though. I love learning things. Just too hard to go to school, work, and raise this kid on my own. Sighs.

It's official...

I now work for another company! Personally I can't tell a bit of difference. I'm still doing the same amount of work and then some everyday. I looked for a little close to 60 records today. Does the new company affect my work...not one dang bit!!! : )

News today and more...

I had some news this morning at work that will affect me ...or not. Seems our company has been trying to talk another company into buying them. This company does the same thing we do only on a larger scale. Supposedly, all will be keeping their jobs but as with all things..once the paperwork is signed, they can do as they wish with us. I'm the only one that does what I do at work so I am hoping my job will still be of some value to them. A key good point though about all this is the new company offers HEALTH INSURANCE! It will be a dream job if I can get that and keep the job also. I love the fact that it's daytime work, off weekends, and I am off most of my daughter's school holidays. What more could a Mother ask for??? Besides another raise?