It's bad enough...

That moving day is just around the corner but for the new tenants to show up at your door asking when you are moving out...ACK! Excuse me people but I do work!! I can't budge a thing until Saturday and I didn't even get the keys for the new place till today!!! I did have some small measure of joy in telling them that the appliances go with me since I bought them. Wait till they find out the smaller AC units are mine too. I can't help it they want in so badly that they already transferred their electric to here and my electric company closed my account without even notifying me. There should be a law against that happening. They should call and tell you, "Hey, did you know someone wanted to transfer the electric"? At least give you warning that they were tampering with your utilities. I now had to do a mad dash to get my electric transferred, gas moved, and tomorrow try to get my water done while I have to work and go to Oklahoma. It will all work out eventually, I am sure. I am just a major STRESSER when it comes to things like this happening. I can't wait to be moved though. The new place looks ten times better than this place. New paint on the walls and new carpet. Kitchen needs some help but it will do. I have a week to decorate things how I want them. Yippee!!!!

Four days and counting..

Till moving day! I can't wait and yet, I can. Nothing worse than moving but having the thrill of someplace new to set up, enjoy, and discover has me filled with JOY. Wish me luck!!!

A day like today..

It's quiet..too quiet. I'm finding myself fighting the urge to reinstate AOL. Not because I miss the chats but because I miss finding someone new to chat with and yet, in the same breath, I want to be left alone. Moodiness be damned!

Artists and their work...

I wonder at times how much of themselves are truly seen in every artist's work that they do. An online friend is a sculptor and I visit his web site from time to time to view his work. Trying to see how much of himself he put into it or if it's just a rendition of his reflections of his world. It's not always easy to see the hidden parts of what other's do in their lives. Subtle meanings are there, I am sure, but to view his electic work is both daunting and a joy. Daunting because I don't always understand it and it amazes me the directions his mind will take. A joy because he puts it online for others to view and enjoy the work. I don't truly understand all types of art anyone does but I try to see what I get out of it and I think in the long run that is what they want you to do. Every once in a while I come across a painting, writing, or sculpture that makes me sit back and say, "I can see my own self in that", and it draws me to think about my life and my own artist wanting that I've always held back and in check. I used to draw as a child but somewhere along the way, I lost the urge. I write now, this unconsequential nonsense you read here but it's an outlet for me as I am sure every piece of artwork is for those that do their art. But then, that's what it is all about, isn't it? Letting a piece of yourself out, setting it free, to roam into other's minds as only they can interpret it?

Is it wrong tooo....

Be jumping up and down for joy because next Friday my daughter will be going to Oklahoma for a week???? I love my child, yes I do, but I love my sanity more. For one week out of every year a long time friend has taken my daughter for me. Every year for the past 20 yrs. Sweet, eh? A week doesn't seem like very long to some maybe but to me, it's one week of not hearing, "Mom", or not hearing the radio blaring the same song over and over again. This week her favorite is, "I'm having the time of my life" because she loves the movie Dirty Dancing. On top of listening to the radio she also watches Smallville with the sound turned down. Strange child, I know, but it makes her happy. I also get to MOVE the week she is gone. I am on vacation and will be moving our things into a new place so when she comes back she will have a new room and house. Mom won't get much rest but it will be restful not having to worry over her. Believe me, that makes a world of difference in my life. Is it next Friday yet?

I noticed I've never mentioned if the air cast for my ankle actually worked or not. To my great surprise, it has made a difference. I don't wear it everyday but I wear it on the days my leg bothers me a lot or I know I'll be out in the warehouses looking for records most all day. Fortunately for me, this month has been the slowest it's been in over a year. I did 731 requests last month and so far this month (knocking on wood), I've only done 250. Big difference, eh? The rest is doing me good though. Not as much stress. Stress will come soon enough when I am able to move. I can't wait for that! I need the change. Badly.

Some days I wake up...

And I think to myself, uh oh, that's a song, isn't it? ooops! Anyway, I think to myself that I am glad that I am single. My child is demanding at times, my job is demanding, and I am not really sure I have the time nor the energy to devote to meeting anyone else's demands. Relationships to me are suppose to be a two way street. You do for them, they do for you. But it's all mutual. Done out of love, respect, and the sheer joy of pleasing them. Maybe I've just picked the wrong men but I've ended up doing more than my fair share of pleasing and spoiling and I ended up resenting it. I still carry that resent to this day from my last relationship. It's wrong. I should let it go but I get scared. Scared that if someone wants to get too close, I'll end up in the same relationship I left. Then there are other days, I wake up feeling so alone. Wishing I had someone to just give me a hug. Tell me, yes, you are loved and special. Knowing and feeling these things aren't always easy. Being told is sometimes better. It's hard to battle your fear of not being needed with your desire to be alone. A contradiction of terms, I guess. Maybe I've become too selfish about my needs instead of looking for someone else to worry over. To me, a relationship involves much more than sex. You have to be able to talk to them. They have to at least show some interests in your passions even if they don't understand them. You have give as well as take. I refuse anymore to settle for anything less than what I NEED. I know it's too much to ask to find someone with enough intelligence to actually carry on a conversation. Too much to ask for a man to respect my space when I need it as I would respect theirs. Too much to ask for a man to just hold me sometimes without demanding more than I can give. I am sure there are men out there with their own complaints about women too. I don't disagree that either sex is perfect. I am far from perfect. I have so many issues, my issues have issues. I just want a friend. A friend who accepts me as I am. Imperfections and all. If it turns into love great, if not, it all good too. I don't want a sex buddy. I'm not looking for sex. That leads into a whole other string of issues. Just a friend.....

Something I don't wish...

A major migraine on anyone. I awoke this morning at 7 with such a raging headache. In the course of five hours I've taken three Excedrin for migraines and two Tylenol PMs just to get it back to a dull roar. It's not working very well....

I feel like...

Such an idoit. I was trying to tell someone this evening that my oldest daughter was born when I was 16 and yet, according to the Math, I had to be 18. Well, I was 17 but almost 18. Why did I have it stuck in my head I was 16? I lost a good six months of my life when my husband died. I have a hard time remembering anything that happened after I was 18 until I was about 21. I know my middle daughter was born when I was 20 and six months later her father died. I think, in self-preservation, I block out a lot of that time period. Get confused as to what I was really doing during that time. His sudden unexpected death dealt a hard blow to my pysche at that time. Even with all that going on, why did I think I had her earlier? I hate when I screw up so much like that. Not remembering things. Or getting them wrong. I'll fret about this for a few days now. Feel bad because I'm sure the person I was talking to thought I was nuts or lying. Sighs. I really hate this...

I am starving...

For intelligent conversation.....sighs.

Reasons why...

I left AOL.
1.) There wasn't really anything convincing me to stay.
2.) Tired of the fights in the chat rooms.
3.) Save money.
4.) Quit being so depressed because others chose to fight all the time and I feel sad for them.
5.) It ceased to be fun.

One reason I could've stayed:
The odd times I met someone really wonderful to chat with.

Those who care, can reach me. Those who don't. Have a nice life.

Well, I did it...

I cancelled AOL. I just got tired of being hurt. The fighting in the chats. The place was depressing me. There are several people I will miss but I seriously doubt anyone will miss me. I'm just another blip on the AOL screen of life....sighs.

Sometimes I wonder ODD things...

I wonder sometimes how other people think. I use AOL, yes, AOL as a gateway to a world that I would otherwise not have access to in life. I spend my days working to provide just enough for me and my child to live on, spend my weekends taking care of her, and AOL is my "escape" as you will into finding others somewhat like me, whom just want someone to chat with and need to stop the lonliness. Too many times though I come across people who think for some unknown reason they are, I guess, irresistable. I don't ask to be a part of anyone's life anymore. Being a single, non-dating, workaholic mother doesn't mean I am always looking for someone to save me, rescue me, or be my boyfriend. Where do some of these men get these ideas? Are some women so bad to them that they can't trust any woman? I must admit I don't trust men much either but I do try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm just very shy and skittish about relationships. I am NOT looking. If God decides the time is right for me to have someone in my life, I am sure He will let me know somehow. Until that time, MEN, I don't want you in my life personally. I just like to chat sometimes, care sometimes, and yes, I like to flirt sometimes. Don't take it personal, okay? sighs....

Marriage...sighs

A chatroom "roomie" is getting married tomorrow. I sent well wishes and hope things for them both work out as they dream they should. Each day that passes by I find myself resigning to being single for the rest of my days. I want to get married again though. I miss "belonging" to someone, old-fashioned as that may sound to some. I miss more having someone there to beat up on when I'm having a bad day (kidding) and someone to share life's joys with instead of just watching them happen and saying, oh, that's nice. Unfortunately I'm one of "those people" who are always hopefully I will find what I want in life. Be a sad life if I didn't have hope, wouldn't it? Anyway, I digress. Many happy wishes to the happy couple. I truly hope all goes well for them...

It's amazing..

The way things happen in life. I have an online friend in Florida that I talk to on the phone quite often if we don't catch each other online and I found out this evening that he had been SHOT over the weekend! My first reaction was to cry with surprise then I browbeat him because he didn't let me know! He is under strict orders to give his mother my phone number, just in case. I've never met this man and we are only FRIENDS but I care about him like a brother. My life would be that much emptier if something were to happen to him and he would be gone. I pray for his sake he can move as he wants to, SOON. He's trying to sell his house, sell things he doesn't want to store, and then he's going anywhere but there. All this because some kid wanted to show how tough he was and shoot him because he could. Sighs. This world is falling apart. I admit I live in a cocoon at times. This town has it's share of crime but not like that of big cities or other major towns. I've had my CD player stolen from my pickup (which I have yet to replace) but other than that, nothing has ever happened in the many years I've lived here. I can only continue to pray that it doesn't take a bad turn at any time. I'll say extra prayers tonight for my friend and hope he continues on a road to recovery. Irony though, the bullet (38) is still in his NECK! The doctor are afraid to remove it because of the so many vital parts in the neck area. He was sooo fortunate it missed everything!!! Life is tough all over.

I wish I knew..

What was wrong with me...

I've been having headaches, tense shoulders so bad they get numb, and I've been biting my nails something I haven't done in years. Just stress? depression? losing my mind? sighs