Not much going on lately...

Life is sort of serene. That's almost scary. Babysitter seems to be working out. Job is slowing down a tad but not as much as I wish it to. Weather has been great. I did finally call Planned Parenthood to find out how much it cost to see if you are in menapause. As always, it's more than I have right now so that is on hold. After three months of not having the unblessed curse I think I could get used to this. Of course, if something else is causing it, I'm not sure I really want to know. Kidlet has been having attitudes lately. I think she is the one PMS'ing. Asserting her independence is a good thing but not when she does it verbally and is rude. We are working on that part. That's about it for my life. Daughter should get back from the Bahamas tomorrow. She didn't take poor old Mom!! WAhhhhhhh

I got some news today!!!

I'm going to be a Grandma again in May!! My daughter and Grandson came to town and surprised me with a visit today. He's getting sooo big. Will be a year old next month already..sighs. Do I feel older now or what?

Mom is a wuss...

I broke down. I caved in. I bought the dang radio/CD player. It was either that or she was trying to resort to using my computer as a radio. That wasn't going to happen. No way. No how. Not ever. I did try to set her down once again and state, "If the CD's mess up. Push the stop button and come get MOM!". I don't think it will work. Want to take bets on how long this radio will last? : )

This shouldn't be allowed to happen..

It shouldn't happen but it does. I go to sleep and four to five hours later I wake up. Toss and turn. Say to heck with it and get up. Of course if I took something to help me sleep, then I might get another four hours. I don't want to become dependent on something to help me sleep. I'm still in pain these days from my back and neck. Dang stress! New sitter seems to be working out okay. We will see how she handles Vicky on her bad days. She's been arguing about getting a new CD player these past few days. Thinks I have money growing on trees so I can just take her to the store and get one. Ha! It may only be 20.00 but that 20.00 has to pay house bills first before she can be happy with a new one. Besides the "old new" one only lasted two weeks!!! Mom is trying to stand firm on this one. I don't think she's learning anything though. Except how to make her Mother more nuts....

It's been a stress filled week...

Did you know that stress can cause headaches, backaches, and shoulder pain (the kind that makes knots there) when you don't externalize all your worries? I've been fretting too much about finding a sitter and, cross your fingers, I hope I found a good one this time. She will start there Monday. This family has worked with special needs children before so her behaviour or abilities (lack thereof) will not come as a surprise to them. I so wish I could just afford to stay home with her when she is out of school but alas, Mom must earn enough for us to get by in life. Oops, brb, she wants a hug. Boy that kid is strong. She doesn't realize that a hug does not mean to strangle MOM. Ah, she needs more than a hug... later...

Sometimes I have bad thoughts...sighs

I was watching a movie this evening called, "The Other Daughter". It is about a mentally challenged girl who makes a stand to move into her own apartment, have a boyfriend, and eventually marry him. The movie makes it seem too easy, I think, or maybe things are just too hard here sometimes. I think to myself what I would do if I didn't have to raise my daughter. Would I live the quiet life I do now? or would I be a party girl out hanging at the bars every night trying to fill that void? It's hard raising her by myself. All the worries, trials, and events we go through. Some days she really gets on my nerves but it's not her fault and I try not to let it show so much. She gets fixated on things and when she does, she constantly repeats it until something else will grab her attention and detract from it. Until then, I am constantly answering the same questions over and over again. What would it be like to sleep in till 11am on weekends if she weren't around? What would it be like to not have to pick up after someone 12 out of 24 hrs a day? What would it be like to not have to worry about finding adequate care so I can work a full time job to support us? What would it be like? A boring, uneventful, and unmeaningless life. At least this way, I have meaning to my life. Things are never truly boring. I can sleep later when I am dead. I think I rather hear her laughter, see her dance, and worry when she walks into the walls because she can't see them. Yep, I'm a mother all right.

Never lean over your kid while washing her hair...

I was rinsing my daughter's hair last night and she went to come up and boy, did she ever! The back of her head whacked me so hard on my chin that my teeth slammed together. Fortunately, I didn't bite my tongue but I now have a bruise on the bottom of my chin and my jaw has been aching since. She keeps telling me she is sorry and I know it was an accident but it still hurts!!! She felt so bad that Mom bought her the new movie, Brother Bear 2, at Walmart today. I couldn't really afford it but I hate to tell her no because we don't have much to begin with. I can do without a few things for another week if it makes her happy. She's glued to the TV right now watching it. I think I'll go watch it with her...later !!!

I hate life's curve balls...

I picked up my daughter today from sitter only to be told tomorrow is the last day they will watch her. ONE DAY NOTICE! Isn't that just freaking great??? Apparently her child is having surgery and I am sorry about that but you can't tell me she didn't know before TODAY! She knows I rely on a sitter to work. Some people have no class at all. Sighs.

Steve Irwin is dead...

Long live all the dangerous creatures of the world! Oh okay, I'm not happy he died. That man drove me crazy when I would come across his show. I would have to quickly change the channel as to not scream at him, "You idiot! They are going to kill you!". Sure, he taught everyone valuable lessons about wild critters, but he was a certifiied nut in doing it. I guess though he died doing what he loved best. Being around a dangerous creature. Stingrays may look all lanquid and serene in the ocean as they glide through with ease but they still are "wild creatures" and he took a chance. This time it killed him. I mourn for his family and his children who now will have no father and have to watch his reruns only to think, "My Dad was really an idiot". A cute idiot though but still an idiot. I guess someone had to do his job in life. Good thing it was him, not I. God Bless his family in the coming days ahead...even years. I know how hard it is to lose a father to your kid(s). Believe me, I know. :(

Today's Quote...

To err is human; to refrain from laughing, humane.-Lane Olinghouse

This one made me laugh. So very very true.

The results are in!!!

I looked for, sent, faxed, couldn't find, UPS'd, or found on rolls a total of 967 records for August. I thought I would never pass my January count of 950 ever again but I did!!! No wonder I feel tired. Thankfully it's a three day weekend and I can relax, sort of. I'm on call all weekend. Kidlet has a sinus infection so we got meds for that today. I hated to take her because she missed their big Pep Rally at school but she really needs to get that nose thing cleared up. Her cough is finally gone though except for little bit due to drainage. I hate when she's sick. She is irritable and hard to please. Wait! That sounds like me when I'm sick... think she might really be mine???? : )

Final count ALMOST done...

I am trying to play catch up on paperwork. My count so far is 790 record requests for Aug..and I'm not done yet with it!!!!

Oops, I did it again...

Okay, I broke down and once again rejoined the land of OZ, yes Oz, otherwise known as AOL! I don't know what came over me. Perhaps with winter coming sometime soon, I hope, I feel the call of lonely cold nights where I need more to entertain me than a gaming site. I will stick to my guns this time though and not be on so much as I used to be before I left it in June. I will be more cautious about those I chat with in IMs and not believe a word that anyone tells me (men) unless they can back it up with tangible proof. Maybe I just need some way to relax from my HOT working days in sauna-like conditions. The hospitals I do searches for are trying to kill me, I swear they are truly trying. I spent Monday and Tuesday of this week looking for 100 (already filmed records, mind you) to send out on this coming Tuesday's run. Four hours, eight boxes, and soaking myself with sweat later, I found them all. Yesterday, Friday, I recieved an order for 27 records for another hospital. Now, yet another hospital, informs me that I will be sent a request for about 60 records on Monday. My record so far for finding things is 950 done this past January. So far I am up to 579 just for August. Think I will pass my record?? Not if it kills me first....

Today is not a good day....sighs

I got four hours of sleep last night. If that much. My daughter is being demanding this morning. I am feeling angry. Very angry. Tired...so so tired. Tired of always catering to her because she can't do some things for herself. Tired of always hearing, "Mom" every five minutes. It's just the day, it will pass but for now...I just want to cry.

Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.-Unknown

What? me worry? NEVER
If I inherited anything at all from my Mother, it is my ability to worry a situation to death. I am trying though as I grow older to learn that unless I can change something, worrying over it is useless. Panicking, now, that is a whole other story....

I saw a quote this morning....

Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.-Lou Holtz

I often think, wonder, and dream of which direction my life would go if things had been different or if I let myself be different. A friend emailed me something the other day and it was one of those chain letter things that said, "How to say I love you to a friend". He told me to pass it on to my many friends. I had to write him back and say, "could I just send it back to you?" Too often I find myself in spots like that. I have to admit that my "friends" circle is rather small. I have, maybe, five friends online that I would really call friends. In life, I have work acquaintances. Perhaps I could call them friends too, I guess. I think if I had my life to do over again, I would be more outgoing. More brave. Less of a loner. Problem is, I'm not unhappy being alone. I get lonely sometimes but I'm not unhappy being with just me. On days like today, when my head starts to ache, I'm feeling weepy, and I'm fighting the urge to sign back onto AOL just to look around again..I have to tell myself, "it will pass". This urge to be something I'm not. Someone I'm not. Unless I respond to the urge and see what happens....

It's Me..

I'm still here. It's been so hot and torturous in the warehouses this past week that I come home, shower, and fall out on the bed. I find myself moving only under duress. I'm getting too spoiled. I like air conditioning! Nothing new to report except kidlet has a cough. Doctor says he "thinks" it's due to allergies but did take a chest x-ray of her. She also had blood taken for a thyroid test because she's lost about 40 lbs within this past year with no changes happening in her lifestyle. I wish MOM could do that! Hopefully the results will come back okay and we can chalk it up to her losing her babyfat. She is 18 now and should've thinned out some. She'll always have that gut, it's part of what she has, but her legs and arms are much thinner now. I'm proud of my 7 lb loss. I only have ...ummm... 30 more lbs to go.

I've been reading the news...

Yesterday it was Turkeys down all over the road, today penquins??? What is going on around our Texas roads??? I know some of our roads are, how shall we put it, less than desirable? but to slaughter poor Turkeys and then hapless helpless penquins? Wait! What in the heck are penquins doing coming to Texas anyway??? Don't they know its 100 + degrees out there right now. Oh wait, they get the AC when many people can't afford it around our state. I forgot...my bad.

I've refrained but it's time...

I've purposely not stated anything in here about the whole Mel Gibson fiasco but everywhere you go, you read or hear people yapping about it. The media isn't helping, really. True he should not have said anything about Jews. True, he APOLOGIZED. Are we such a nation that we don't have forgiveness anymore? Do we just drain out every bit of someone's mistake and make it tenfold because we are happy to see someone of such stature fall? Personally, I think he should be forgiven. If it makes the Jewish community happy, reach out to him and teach him some of your beliefs. The reasons why it's important to fight for your beliefs. There is no more tolerance in this world. People are quick to anger and just as quick to NOT forget. I think that's one of the good points of my mind slowly going at times. I forget things. I forget what I'm mad about. I know I'm mad but it's hard to stay that way if you don't remember how you got there in the first place. Learning to let go and accepting that people are not perfect is one way to put an end to anger. How many times have you said something that you wished you had not????

I've been thinking about what I wrote earlier and I may have not been clear on some things. I have friends with whom I don't mind hearing about their troubles. I consider it a privilege that they trust me enough to talk to me and I want to listen. I just don't want to listen to this guy. I think perhaps because he reminds me of how much I used to be. Ms. Passive Aggresive. IF someone didn't have time to chat or want to be around me, I automatically assume it was ME, my fault, because they didn't care to be around me right then. Now, after much reprogramming, I think to myself, "Okay, they are busy. I'll catch them later." It's taken me a long time to quit feeling so guilty or saying "I'm sorry" all the time to people. This guy does that. Everything starts with, "I'm sorry, but..." and that makes you feel guilty. Guilty because if you don't listen you'll hurt their feelings. Guilty because YOU don't want to listen and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Not everyone will get along with everyone. Fact of life. So to my friends out there that read this, I WANT you to keep telling me your troubles! Makes me forget my own. Besides, how many times have you listened to ME?