Chat Room Annoyances...

I usually go in a chat room in the mornings but lately, with all the politics, it seems everyone is at each others throats. Not everyone will agree with everyone else on regard as to which person they are backing and last time I checked, that is their right! To call someone out and be just hateful and rude because they don't answer as you think they should is..well..just petty. I remember why I left AOL five years ago and it's slowly going to happen again. I've made a few friends that I hope I will stay in touch with but overall, I won't miss the petty, hateful, mean, bitchy, and small mindedness of some of the people I've come across. Life is too short for hate...I don't want my remaining years to become so bitter that I forget the good I have and the waste it with those that drag others down. Life is for laughing, living, and loving...I'm going to do that for myself.

Every once in a while...

I get a glimpse, a taste if you will, of what life could be like with someone else in mine. The opportunity to have someone to share my days with, to talk to about everything, to be intimate. Every once in a while I get that glimpse...then its gone.

Rerun of a rerun...

I'm posting this (again) because I truly like it and I'm tired of trying to find it on this blog when I want it..just go with it.

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like...
Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

It's 3:11 am...

I'm awake. Why, I don't know. My mind races sometimes thinking about the direction my life has gone. The people that come and go. I don't always understand why people leave my life but I guess as with all things, I have no control over it. You let them go because you have to do so. All the while wishing things were different, could be different. New people come and take their place. You just wait to see what happens. Will they stay or will they go? It's hard to trust anyone when you are always abandoned. Build that wall, pretend to be happy so no one really sees the pain. Carry on your life just existing because that's all you can do. Work, home, sleep. Existing. I don't want to die alone but as each day passes this is looking more and more life an inevitable part of my life. Going to be a tough day today....

I can't..

I can't be what you want...
I can't be what you want.
I can't be all things to you. In being all things to you, I lose sight of me.
I can't be what you want. I can't give up my independence.In losing my independence, I lose my sense of self.
I can't be what you want. I can't be the love of your life, if I don't feel love.
I don't want to care. I can't. Don't ask me to be what you want. Don't ask me to be what you need. I can't.

My List..

I made this list back and 2006 and it still holds up to what I want in life...


1.) You must honor my independence. I'm not overly needy in the fact that I need to be saved from every crisis that comes my way. Offer your advice but don't be pissed off if I don't follow it. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a demand that I follow it and if it is, you don't need to be here.

2.) Realize that I have feelings too. Words have the ability to cut me to the quick. I realize people have fights but try to keep an eye on what you are fighting about when doing it. Don't throw in stuff that has no relevance to the fight at hand. Past mistakes are just that, past mistakes.

3.) Don't be surprised that I don't wear makeup (very rarely although I do own some, I think) and that I'm not comfortable in dresses. (I do own some, I think) I'm very down to earth and am more comfortable in a pair of jeans or sweats. I've lived that way for 54 yrs now and I seriously doubt I will become comfortable turning into someone I'm not now. I do know how to dress up, I prefer not to.

4.) Don't be surprised if I read at any time, any where. It's not a reflection on you. It's my way of destressing myself. Closing myself off from my surroundings so I can regroup. My alone time. I don't need to be entertained every second of every day. Better yet, if I need to read, Go watch sports, I won't mind.

5.) I don't like to go out except to dinner, movies, or to browse through book stores. I do occasionally like flea markets and antique shows. I'm not a social butterfly. I do better in small groups. I'm quite happy staying at home or going out with a few close friends. Large crowds and I do not get along very well. I tend to blend as far into the woodwork as I can get.

6.) I have secrets. I have a past. Don't expect me to share them all. If I do, do NOT ever throw them back into my face. I'm 54 years old and I was not a NUN the whole time.

7.) I will say that I prefer intelligence. I cannot bring myself to be with someone who does not read, can't converse, or doesn't know the difference between able have a thought and parroting thoughts of others.

8.) Looks. They truly are not important if you've managed to impress me in other ways. No one is perfect. I am not. We all have our demons. We are too fat, skinny, short, tall, or just plain. Beautiful people scare me. I admire them but I worry there isnt much more there than that. IF that sounds bad, I'm sorry. It's just me.

9.) You have to love kids. Truly enjoy being around them. I have a mentally challenged child. She isn't going away. I'm not shipping her off to a home unless that becomes a must which I doubt. Her wants and needs always come before my own or anyone else's. IF you can't accept that, don't even bother me.

10.) Learn to live with a woman moods. I am post-menapausal and I am dissatisfied with my body, self, and moods. I understand this. I accept it. It's part of the cycle of life and it will eventually right itself. This is mostly the reason I do live alone. (Update-the moods are gone, the rest of it went to crap)

Most importantly, be yourself. I don't want someone perfect. I do need someone with a job. I have one, you have one too. I'm sure there are a dozen other things a person looks for in someone but these, I think, are the most important to me. Good luck! : )

It's just too funny....

Someone gave me such a good laugh this evening. I was accused of being a drama queen because I expected them to share their phone number with me since I shared mine. Number one rule you learn on AOL: If a man doesn't share his number, he is either married or living with someone. It was just too funny to not share because for those who truly know me, a drama queen I am not. I wasn't born yesterday, I've been around the block a time or two, so saying I'm obsessing over a reasonable request to share your phone number...and a drama queen! Give me a break you are married!

Heartbroken....

My heart is heavy and feeling broken at the thought of losing my father in law. While we haven't really stayed in touch much after my husband died, I've always loved him and have the utmost respect for him. My daughter, his grand daughter, is hurting so much right now. The only comfort she has is that she got to see him today and, maybe, say her good byes to him. We don't expect him to last much longer and at the age of 95, he's probably ready to go. Lauren, my daughter, said she told him just one thing, "If he's ready to go home, go, but when he goes, to please say hello to her father for her when he goes home." It's times like these that I hate the fact that her father died. He's missed so much of her life by leaving us when she was only 6 months old. While I try to comfort her with the possibility of this upcoming loss in her life, I also have to be aware it will be like losing her father all over again. This is her Grandpa, her daddy's father, once he's gone, she's lost the last tangible thing to her father. She has Aunts and Uncles on that side, but it's not the same as losing her daddy's daddy. My heart hurts for her so much....

It's days like today....

When I am tired and exhausted and it makes me question my judgement of where my life needs to go. Do I keep the status quo or do I let someone in only to be hurt again because sometimes I just want an adult to talk to instead of a kidlet. I've decided that if I do want a man in my life, he better be my best friend. I want someone I can laugh with and talk to way after the body parts no longer work right. Sex is great but have a lasting relationship of mutual respect and admiration can go a long way with me. If you think that I am only here as a FWB, think again, I can do without it. Already have for years now..what's a few more?

Note to self....

Self, you really aren't all that important in the grand scheme of life. Just a drop in the bucket or a sand in time.

Another one bites the dust....

I've been talking to someone online lately as it's been feeling like deja vu all over again. I've done this before... Waiting on a man to come online to talk to me, waiting for a man to call me, waiting... I don't have his number even though he had mine. First sign a man is involved with someone else, they don't share their phone number. They only call when in their car. They only talk to you while they are at work. Last night was enough. Game over. No more chances. I don't need the bullshit. Don't want the bullshit. Carry on to some other fool because this woman is NOT so desperate that she needs YOU in her life. Nope, not happening. See ya....NOT!

I can tell...

It's going to be one of those "bad days." I try to keep busy to keep my mind from thinking too much but I don't always succeed. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish my life had gone in other directions. I think about the people I've met, lost, or may meet and wonder is it all worth it to put myself out there and let the wall down. I had let it down for someone and they hurt me. So back up it goes! If you get past it, consider yourself a part of my life I rarely share, me. If you don't, you probably won't really miss it anyway. No more over-sharing or letting loose. Back to closed up little old me. It's safer that way.

I wonder why...

People come and go in your life without any explanation? I had an online friend that just, for some reason, decided to quit talking to me. I don't know what I did, or why they did, or what happened but they just stopped. I'm not going to beg them for an answer though because if they feel they can't talk to me anymore, it's on them, not me. I don't beg anyone to be a part of their life. I know I'm a good person and people should want to be a part of my life. You can't make people want, like, or love you. Whatever they have going on in their life, I wish them the best. I truly do for they are a great person, even if they had trouble seeing it for themselves. It just makes me sad I won't be talking to them anymore...sighs.

It's so sad....

When you meet an articulate, smart, and nice looking man online only to find out that he's no different than any other man you've met online so far. Twenty minutes into a conversation and he wants to talk about sex. I let it slide the first time but when he offers to "gift" me to talk sex with him which would make me a "whore" of sorts then I just cut it off. It's so sad because I could've have liked him for himself and he didn't have to "buy" affection or tell his net worth to make himself likable. I hope in the future he learns that the way to a woman's heart isn't about money, sex, or what he can give her but what he can give of himself and how he makes her feel when she is talking to him or with him. True happiness is found in the little things, not the big things, or making a woman feel whorish. Sad..so sad....

This says it all...

When you’re a plus size woman, people like to say "Yeah, she's cute in the face." As if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! There's more to me than my weight, I also have a heart. Yes, my clothes may be a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight. So don’t think your small frame gives you more pull, I’m a fabulous curvy woman with a figure that's full!!

Three more days...

Three more days until we move to the new place. I'm so ready to go. Almost all packed except a few things in the kitchen and this computer. I wont' have Internet access until I find a new provider but hopefully that won't take too long. Kidlet is out of town for two weeks while I make this move for us. One less stress and worry about things. Now, if it would only hold off on the freaking RAIN until I get everything out of here!!

Life changes....

Life is going to be changing again for us. I found a place in next town for us to live that has all the things I wanted ... 2 bedroom/ 1 bath..washer and dryer connection. I am so excited to be finally moving over there because I've been wanting to for years now. It is closer to my work, daycare for kidlet, and more shops and food places. I've been slowly getting packed up but there is barely any room to put anything I pack up right now. I'm downsizing again once more by getting rid of things I don't want or need. I'm putting my personal life, what there is of it, on hold until we move. Life is ever changing...

Random musing and jibberish...

I've been thinking a lot lately about disappearing from people's lives and just going back to me and the kidlet only. Why? Because I don't like it when someone tries to "fix" things for me as if I'm incompetent or if someone tells me "my problems are trivial compared to others." Who needs to feel incompetent or unimportant? True, my life is sort of in a shambles right now. Praying I get the okay to move to a new place, packing, figuring out how to afford the higher rent, making sure the kidlet is okay while doing all of this "adulting." I don't place a high priority on other people right now and I feel as if I somehow being called to task over it because my life and my kid are more important. I don't always have time to play or tease or be light hearted when all I really want to do is crawl in bed, curl up, and cry. When you talk to other people, you have to be witty, charming, and tend to their needs before your own, and honestly, I'm not sure I have the energy or the strength to do that and I don't want to offend anyone. I just want chat about a bunch of nothing to take my mind off what I have going on but it tends to get personal when I don't want it to be. Let's be honest here. I'm 215lbs of fat, jiggling fat...I have no teeth unless I wear my dentures (which god forbid, women find this out because then it's ewwww), and I have the kid. I have no energy except to do what I need to do in life and that is about it. I don't feel sexy, wanton, or desired except as a conquest by a few people. Being around people who constantly talk about how their diets keep them lean and trim and anyone can lose weight is not my idea of a fun time. If I don't have the time and energy now how the hell am I going to have the time and energy to exercise and do other fun exciting things? I'm sure those that read this will think I'm such a whiner but it reality, I am just venting because no one truly understands the strain I am sometimes under. It's my life, my problems, and they matter. Even if some don't think they do....if people only knew how hard it is sometimes to just NOT take the whole bottle of Trazodone....

Being needy...

Is it being needy to want someone to hold you sometimes, just to feel that closeness next to you? Is it being needy to want to have someone to lean on once in a while and maybe "rescue" you from your problems but not too much? Is it being needy to just want someone in your life at all?

I think I made ONE big huge mistake...

I made such a big mistake going back online to AOL. I only wanted to find adult conversation and instead find myself tied up in more knots than I know what with in life. Yes, Men. I think I prefer going back to my solitary life where I don't have to worry about trying to please someone else, be something I'm not, and settle for things I can't have. I didn't have a bad life. I was alone and didn't take any shit from anyone. I need that back. I need to stay alone. Forget being happy with someone and just be happy with me and kidlet. Yep, that's what I need.

May the 4th be with you..yadda...yadda...yadda

Supposed to be a Stars Wars kind of day...not my cup of tea but they aren't bad movies. Not much going on right now. I guess all's quite on the open front is good news. Smashed my poor little pinky in the car door last Friday but finally feeling better. A little numb on the edge of it but otherwise it's all good. Just haven't felt like writing lately. Still same old problems, same old day... later...

Happy Birthday to me!

It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to... I'm 54 today. Where has time gone? It's going by faster and faster every year and every year on my birthday I promise myself there will be changes. Do I keep that promise? No. I break promises only to myself not to others. I wonder why that is? Maybe because I know I will forgive myself while someone else might not? Anyway, I have to work today and not really celebrating the day. This is the only day of the year I really like surprises, otherwise, I don't like them. I hope someone surprises me today with something nice and unexpected. Anything... a card, flowers, candy, cake, or a hug. I'm easy...haha.

A thousand years...

A Thousand Years

I swear I'm not bitter...

I swear I am not bitter or a prude. I have noticed that a lot of my posts lately are rants or dislikes of things I find on AOL. I am seriously not bitter nor am I a prude, I just am frustrated at the lack of conversation skills I find online. I am very much a woman who likes intimacy but doesn't want to be just used for that nor do I want to be taken advantage of by those pretending to like me but disappearing after they seemingly get whatever it is they were after from me. Please feel free to ask to IM, intrigue me, make me laugh, and above all remember, I am a person, not a sex object. This is the last post I'll make on this subject for I am getting tired of repeating myself and for anyone who reads this, I'm sure you are getting tired of reading it. I can't always promise to post happy pretty thoughts for on many days, dark thoughts run through my head sometimes as life tends to get shitty, but I will promise to not berate this subject any longer. Please feel free to leave comments on my posts. It's nice to know someone is actually reading this nonsense sometimes... : )

AOL chatroom rules to live by.....or IMs

1. Never give a guy what they want. The minute you do, they disappear.
2. Never share personal problems.
3. Always be chipper, fun, and great to talk too...even if you are crying inside. No one wants a Debbie Downer.
4. Never think anyone is serious about you.
5. Unless you meet in person, trust no one or trust very few.
6. Life is a bitch, don't be one online.

The Cold Hard Truth...

I was laying in bed thinking this evening that of all the guys I talk to (and the list is small) that not one of them ever inquires as to my kidlet's well being. Several of them have expressed interest in meeting with me but I don't think they care at all about my true life. They may have some ultimate fantasy about what will happen when we meet but that may not be true. It truly saddens me to face the cold hard truth that they don't care enough about me or my life to inquire about such a major part of it. Nothing major needs to be asked, just a simple, "how's the kidlet today?" would suffice. A hard truth to realize...sighs.

All's quiet on the home front...mostly..

Life is moving along with good news and bad news. Found out that my rent IS going up and I owe back rent ..sheesh I just can't catch a break. Have to move again in August too...sighs. Good news is I am still alive. Not much else going on right now and just too tired to write tonight. Back soon!

I hate this...

I hate being depressed. Sucks the life right out of you. I just can't stop crying tonight for some reason. It's pity party time, I guess. I had better dreams for my life than this...I wanted to be married, have my own house, a job if I wanted to work or option to stay home. I never imagined I'd be single at (almost) 54 with no end in sight. I miss being with someone. I miss someone caring about what is going on in my life. Ah, shit...going to stop now. Gotta shake this off and fast...!!!

Says it all...

I hate...

Insomnia! I haven't had this in months and tonight my mind won't shut off and I can't sleep. I'll be so tired today...sighs.

It's amazing...

I was looking back through some of my older posts in 2010. That's the year Lauren had the twins. She wasn't talking to me much that year and I've only lately found out because it was from marital problems and wasn't me. Lauren is private. A lot more private than I am but as strong and independent like me. Neither one of us ever want to be "rescued" but prefer to try to make life work on our own. She's having personal problems right now in her life and for once, coming to Mom to talk them out and make decisions. She's not always happy with my advice or ideas but she does listen to them. I've always wanted to be much closer to her because we've had some hard times in our lives between us. Maybe, now, this is our chance. As for privacy, I like write. I always have. I find that if I write down how I feel and get some measure of relief from the pressures of life. I am always under so much pressure. I have to work, support me and the kidlet, get out of debt, and just keep things on an even keel. I can't handle stress at all. I try to live in a no drama zone. The last time I was stressed I broke out in a bad itchy rash. Isn't that just crazy? My stress level goes external at least and not internally where it could do more harm than good. One of these days I know I'll get everything I want in life but until GOD decides when that will be, I'll just have to be content with my lot in life. It's not such a bad life after all sometimes...

Rerun...

Something I wrote in 2005 that I really like... Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

Ten needs...

Ten Needs of Special Need Parents I think there are so much more but this is a very basic list...

Something to smiile about...

My babies and the kidlet with her friend at daycare...

Kind of sucks...

When you try so hard to make it in this life and survive only to be knocked down once again...Found out today that I "make too much money" to live in my current housing and my rent will be going up and I'll have to find another place to move once lease expires. I'd like to know where this too much money stuff actually is because its not in my pocket. I am trying to get rid of debt that I had to create two years ago when my job cut my hours and now that. I can't win. All I can do is hand it over to God and hope he has something better planned for me because right now I don't see it. If it was only me in this life, I could live in my car but it's not. The kidlet need shelter, food, clothing, warmth, etc.. I do it all for her. So God, if you are listening, can you help me out once again? I really need it. Thanks.

Judge not...least you be judged...

As I was cleaning house today I was thinking back to a room conversation. Well, several of them actually. In each one, someone had said something negative toward me because my opinion was different from their own. One even asked me what was wrong with me. As if, my views, were no more important than her own because I didn't agree with her. Let's get one thing straight..I am my own person. I have my own thoughts. I pay my own bills. I live my own life. If my views do not match yours, I do not judge you nor do I think less of you for them. I love a good debate. If my views turn yours so be it. If your views turn mine so be it but do not ever assume that I will change solely based on the case that I want to be "one of the crowd." I never have been and I never will be. Please, if you don't agree with me, that is fine. I will not judge you for it. Do not judge me for my views either as they are mine and only mine.

Why ..oh ..why....

Do men just not get me? What is so hard to understand that I have NO desire whatsoever to have sex, talk about sex, or even elude to sex ONLINE. Is it really that difficult to get that they are complete STRANGERS to me. It's like going down the street and grabbing the first guy I see and saying, "Hey, let's go fuck!" It's NOT going to happen. EVER. So stop..for the love of God, just stop! If I'm good enough to try to have online sex talk or talk about wanting to meet me in person to screw, am I not good enough to even get to know first? That's the problem. I am never just good enough. Never enough. I had this problem with my ex bf. I just wasn't enough. I'm tired of NOT being enough. I want to be it ALL. Always. Forever. Amen.

Differences of opinions...

It was an interesting night in the chat room this evening. One topic was the subject of birth control and who should be responsible for it, man or woman? Personally, I think a woman should be in charge of her own body and birth control. If you are mature enough to have sex with a man you should be mature enough to not assume a man "should take care of it." Be independent and in charge. Buy your own method of birth control and use it. What really strikes me as funny? This is in a room where some if not all of the women should be post menopausal or starting to be menopausal. Birth control is NOT a factor after that. Safe sex is a factor. If you are a woman, would you truly trust a guy to safeguard your body and have your interests at heart. I think not. I think they would just say, "Oh, don't worry about it. I'm safe." Women, never assume anyone is safe unless you've personally gone with them to see them tested and pick up the results. Take charge of your body and buy your own protection. It's could be a decision between life and death. Literally.

The Art of Conversation...

I know I have ranted on this before somewhere in this blog but it bears repeating over and over again... Where has the Art of Conversation disappeared to? I recently started going back on AOL and I've yet to wonder if maybe that was a mistake on my part AGAIN! While it is nice to reconnect with online friends I have seen or chatted with in a long while it's the MEN to whom this rant is about (sorry guys). I started going back to AOL to see if I could find some rare much needed adult conversation that didn't involve the words, "Mom...Mom..." those with kids can fill in the blanks. I have been fortunate to find a few that still believe conversations should and can be about books, art, music, life, dream, hopes, and just day to day dealings. These few I cherish and hope to keep around for a while to chat with..the others? Not so much. I have never understood why a man will start talking sex with a complete and total stranger online. Would they do it in real life? In public? At a party or small gathering with a woman they just met? I wish someone would explain it to me. I try to cut these people off quick because I don't really like it, I think it's crude and rude to go from a seemingly normal conversation and then bring sex into it. It's a turn off for me. Majorly! You will have more luck if you just talk like a you aren't a sex-crazed man who never truly gets any and must chat about it with me in IMs. Intelligence is what turns me on. Manners. Caring about my day as I always ask someone about theirs. I recently found myself knee deep in a chat with yes, basically a stranger, because I've not met him nor talked to him on the phone, about sex. I am now not sure if I want to even continue this friendship because I've put myself into a position in which I swore I never would be in. Have I told him? No. Will I tell him? Eventually, yes. For to be honest with myself and him, I must. Will I probably lose his budding friendship, most assuredly but at the risk of my own moral code, so be it. If you want to get to know me, the real me, read this blog. See my pain during the times I've been alone without support or friends. See my strength and my weaknesses. Know this to those who continue to want to discuss sex in my loft..you may get away with it once or twice but eventually, I will cut you off. Completely. It's not that I don't need sex. It's just that I prefer it in person where I can actually see them, touch them, feel them next to me, and hear their voice. That is a turn on. Not some chat with a stranger I don't truly don't know yet.

If you are man, you may want to avoid this post...

If you are a man, you may want to avoid this post..if you read it, be warned: It isn't pretty... I went bra shopping today. You know, those contraptions designed to hold those pesky breasts in place while trying to look sexy doing it. My idea of a bra is a sports bra. Soft, comfortable, easy to take off sports bra. Did I do that today? NOOO, I went and spent $50.00 plus dollars on a dang Victoria Secret bra with under wires! For gosh sakes...underwires. I did manage to find out my breast size which I guess can be a good thing in the future if I go shopping for another one again but sheesh, you know what I hated the most? It wasn't spending the money, it was that freaking full length mirror they had in the dressing room. I mean, come on, how can you feel sexy in a VS bra knowing that you are looking at your oversized, plumb, FAT gut while doing it? Of course, that depressed me. I need to get serious about losing this stupid gut. If I don't want to see myself naked how can a man ever want to? I am just gross...sighs.

Challenges...

I haven't been on here in three years. Wow! Did my life suddenly become boring or did I just find other pursuits? I'm still single. Still a Mom of a mentally challenged daughter. Still working at the same job. As I start this up again, it is mostly because I find myself lost again. After ten years of being single, I am left wondering is it worth it to put myself out there again. Do I need to go through more hurt, rejection, life changing decisions, and being unsure of my next step? I vowed to myself ten years ago that I would not put myself in a vulnerable position again, and yet, here I am again, looking to see what or who is out there. Am I worth knowing? Am I worth loving? Some days I feel so confident and other days I feel so lost. I don't like self pity and yet, I am finding myself more and more depressed at what may be my future. Alone, unloved, and discontent with my lot in life. Why now? why after ten years am I having these feelings? Thus begins my new challenge...to be happy with my life, accept what may never be, and to enjoy it regardless of what is. That, and losing 50lbs. Interesting to see which one gets accomplished first, you think?

Tired...

I need a week of sleep!


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I get so tired of working with people who ride the clock and don't do much of anything. Still annoyed!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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Just a quick test post. Had to set up iPad app.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Good lord where has this year gone? It's August and my last post in January??? I lead a very boring life lately. Things are going okay I guess. I have a goal to be debt free in three years! I am working hard and got a raise! A little one but it's a raise. Now if I can only clone myself to get everything done I'd be a happy little camper!

Where does time go?

Here it is 2012 and things are already off to a rocky start. My job, which, I was told would have all the hours I needed when I switch departments has cut us down to 35 a week. Now, I can make it on that because who needs to eat, right? Things will be tough until around April when they give us back the hours but cross your fingers we do good until then.

I've been neglectful of late to my online blog friends. Not sending emails. Not posting on their blogs to say hi or find out how they are doing. All I can do is apologize and say I'm a selfish bugger. I don't get online much anymore except to play Farmville or Cityville, which I can say, I'm addicted. So to those friends, and you know who you are, I sincerly apologize and do pray you are doing well.

My babies (grandbabies, that is) are ONE now! Caylee is almost 3! Time is getting away from me and her mother. The twins are walking and trying to talk a little. What I can't believe, most of all, is the kidlet will be 24 in two months and I'll be the BIG 50 a month after that. Sighs.

I'm still single and imagine it's going to stay that way. The thought of looking or trying to even look scares me to death and feels like a pipe dream. I am happy alone though and am glad I can do what I wish when I wish without asking for someone else's opinion or permission.

I hope that 2012 brings more luck, better health, and more joy or at least peace to those who have remained faithful and have read my blog. Besides, how worse can it get? Wait! Strike that!

Long time...

It's been a long time since my last post. Does that mean things are going well or have I just become lazy? I've been really stressed lately. Worried about how to pay my school loan, my car payment, keep my kid fed and deal with all the drama at work that sometimes pops up. Everyday I ask myself is there something better out there? I'm not so sure anymore if I like my job or not which is sad because I really do like the place. All I can do is keep praying for answers and hoping things work out.


-- Posted from my iPhone

I've almost forgotten I've had this....

Life is going by too fast for me. I finally graduated in June "with honors" and don't have a clue what I'll do with my degree. My job is still going strong but I'm still barely hanging on moneywise. Kidlet is doing good, still don't get to see Grandbabies much when I do, they are great! No love life to speak of but then, I like it that way. I guess life is okay. Quiet is good, right?

Graphing

Someone please tell me why I need to learn this again?

Four weeks to go...

I have four weeks left of school. I don't know if its stress, too much happiness, or what but I also been having headaches. Why, oh why, can't things just go smoothly without pain or agony? It's always something, isn't it? Oh, here are some new pics of the babies and Caylee:

Lauren and Caylee


Ava and Charis (guess which one is the cabbage-patch kid look-a-like?

Job...

I have some good news, at least, about my job. I got transferred to new department that offers unlimited hours to get things done. I now close mail for our Litigations team. I miss scanning but I need the hours and can't life off 25 hours a week. I'm thankful for that...

Daughters...

I've been sitting here looking at pictures of Lauren and the babies and bawling my eyes out. I am in the doghouse with Lauren and have been since Caylee's birthday party. Apparently I said something I shouldn't have (which I didn't) and she got mad about it. We had an argument and I said something I shouldn't have (which I did) and she refuses to answer my phone calls, texts, or emails. I guess I shouldn't be too surprise. She's ashamed of me and her sister and always has been. We aren't rich enough, pretty enough, or I guess good enough to be around her or her "family." It's hard when a child shuts you out and makes you feel inferior. As if I don't feel that enough on my own already...

Depression sucks...

I think I'm depressed. I haven't had this feeling in a long time. Lauren and I aren't talking. Vicky is driving me nuts and she just got back from being away for a week. School is almost done and I wish it was done now. We were cut down to 25 hours a week at work but our boss fought for us to get 40 back to get our work done in time. I can live on 40 hours a week, barely. My right shoulder/arm is killing me. Not sure if it's my shoulder or my arm, it just throbs. My right ankle feels as if I sprained it but I know I haven't. I'm falling apart! I just want to crawl into bed, sleep, and never wake up or at least, wake up after 16 hours of sleep maybe. Ain't life grand?

It's sad....

Well Lauren and I had a fight and I basically told her I won't be in her life. She does not need me nor does she seem to want me around anyway. I'll miss my grandbabies though but tired of trying to justify myself to her. Maybe she'll miss me, maybe she won't.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Miss Caylee is TWO!

Little Miss Caylee turned two yesterday. As you can see, she wants everything. She was trying to grab my purple covered phone as I was taking her picture. She just is the cutest thing! The babies are getting so big its hard to tell them apart. Both are FAT and CHUBBY! Kidlet is driving is driving me nuts. Taking her to OK this coming Friday for a week. Maybe by the time she comes back my bad mood will be gone.

Only have TWO more classes and then I graduate! Yay me!!!

We have SNOW!!!!

The Reason I Exist....

Charis


Ava


Caylee


Vicky

Some days...

Some days I think I just can't go on...
My patience wears thin for taking care of the kidlet especially when she decides to take a cup of milk and sling it around the room because it looks cool to do so. My memory isn't what it used to be. I find myself forgetting stupid stuff like leaving a brisket thawing out all night long instead of putting it back in the fridge (fortunately I put it out late enough that it was still cool). I had a job interview and I sabotaged myself because I hate change. I have an almost degree (5 months to go) and I don't want to do a thing with it. Am I a bad parent because I try to imagine my life without the kidlet? I'm almost 49 years old and can see myself in this same position 20 or more years down the road. Lonely, lost, forgetful, and fat. Let's discuss the elephant in the room and discuss my weight gain of 50+ lbs over the past two years. I think today I am just going to cry...maybe, just maybe, it will help...or not.

My life....

I keep wondering when I will get my life back. Between school, work, and kidlet I don't have time to write! I have THREE more classes until I earn my Bachelor's degree...woohooo!. I am considering obtaining an Associate degree concentrating on medical records (coding and billing). I figure if I keep on taking courses, I'll die before I have to pay off my school loans...haha. Kidlet is doing good. She still has her 'tude at times but overall things are running smoothly with her and daycare. Babies, babies, babies...I get to see them a bit more now that Lauren's hormones are getting normal (haha). Posting the latest pictures of them for the world to see...as soon as I move them from my phone to computer. Happy Friday!

Babies, babies, babies...

It's been two weeks since I saw them born and I finally got to go visit and see them. I only held Ava this time because Charis was feeding but they are sooo sweet!

Ava




Charis

Do you know what's frustrating?

I've held the babies ONE time, on the day they were born. I've not seen them since nor held them. It's frustrating, hurtful, and makes me jealous that friends and HIS family are more important and they get to see them and bond and I don't. Caylee has no clue who "Grandma" is and but she sure knows her "Nona." Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the other grandparents. Far from it, they are the sweetest people you could ever meet or know but I dislike the way Lauren has supplanted them into her life as her "Mom and Dad" and I feel as if I am one of those relatives that you admit you have but you rather just shove in the corner and forget about them. I was supposed to go see the twins on this past Sunday and when I texted Lauren to see if she was awake (at 11:41 am), I get a text back saying, "I am now." How would you take that? I just told her "Sorry, I won't bother you." I haven't texted her since and I'm not sure I will. I'm tired of begging to see MY grandkids and her. The kids will be grown before they ever realize they have another Grandma. Excuse me, I'm going to go cry again now. Oh, I have pictures of them right after they were born and that's all I have. They are kind of icky, so don't look if you don't like newborn pics.

Ava Jean 6.2 lbs and 18.5 inches


Charis Renee 5.9 lbs and 18 inches


A recent pic of Caylee at 20 months

Grandma again!

Just found out the twins will be born by C-section tomorrow! Yahoo!


-- Posted from my iPhone

It's official....

I hate my finance class!!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Alive....

I'm still alive. Starting a finance class that will take as much studying as my stat classes did which I made A's in!!! Have a paper to write starting tomorrow. How lucky is that??? NOT!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

I need advice...

A certain daughter is behaving strangely toward me these days. If I try to make an appointment (yes, appointment) to see my Grandbaby, it's like pulling teeth. Either she has an excuse as to why she won't be home or she does not reply to my texts or phone calls. I can't think of a thing I've done to make her mad at me and with the twins coming soon, I'm afraid I won't be able to see them either. Any thoughts about this? I've tried talking to her and all she says is she's been busy. I can't believe she doesn't see my texts because her phone is an extension of her hand but she ignores them. I'm going to see her today and am not sure if I can't hold my tongue about all of this. Give me strength because I don't want to upset her with only a few months for her to deliver. Advice anyone?

Stress...

Things I stress about:

How to pay off my college loans.
Making my paycheck stretch enough to buy food.
Learning how to save for my new ROTH.
Praying my knee doesn't give out completely.
Dying with Vicky alone in the house with me.
Lauren having trouble with delivery of the twins.
Going blind.
Surviving.

Babies....

I just found out Lauren is expecting TWINS!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

One more week...

One more week of RES342 (statistics) and I'll be done with this part! It's been a hard and at times fairly easy class but mostly due to the instructor. The tutorial was the hardest part (for only a ten point grade) but that ten points can make the difference between an A or a B depending on other class grades. I take my final next Saturday. Wish me luck!!!

Kids....

I'm not sure what is going on with Lauren. I've been trying to go see Caylee for three weeks now and her momma won't make time for me to come by. On top of that, Lauren is preggers again! Now I'll have to hunt down two if I want to see them.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Grandma again!

Lauren is preggers again! Due November 29th. Caylee's going to have a playmate.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Pictures!

Kidlet graduated last night!!

I'll post pics soon! She had such fun at the graduation...

Okay, so I've been suspiciously absent of late...

Between school, work, and kidlet I just don't have time to come on here and post but I know I should. My life is going on, right? I start a STATISTICS course next Tuesday and believe me, I am not looking forward to it! I've been studying off and on for the past two weeks trying to sort of make sense of some of it. I think its the formulas that will confuse me more than anything. Any thing that looks suspiciously like MATH, I hate automatically. Oh, on a side note, I bought a new car (AGAIN). I traded my 2008 in for a 2010 with an extended warranty this time. Zero percent financing so let's hope I can make the 30.00 more a month payments. I managed to finally get a raise at work too. A whole 32 cents..haha. They do it off percentages of something (I forget what my boss told me). He did get me retroactive (I think that's the word) for the past 90 days since I should have had the raise in December. I'm managing to get some overtime still so that's a good thing too. Now if I can make enough to pay bills and buy FOOD! : )

Today is my birthday!

I'm so excited to be a year older...NOT!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Sometimes strange things happen...

The strangest thing happened to me yesterday. I had a knock on my door and it was my OLD boyfriend from many years past at the door with a box of candy. He wanted to wish me Happy Valentine's Day and visit for a bit. Very strange. This is a man I will never go back to for a variety of reasons. I'm still confused as to why he did this since he never did anything like that when we were together. Very very weird. Anyway,

Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow!!

Pictures!

I got in Vicky's senior pic and her grad pic today. I wish her teeth were in better shape but other than that, I think they turned out terrific! Also got another picture of Caylee (8 x 10) woohoo! I'll try to scan it and post it another day. Enjoy!

Time is flying by...

It's hard to believe its the New Year and I haven't posted since November. December was actually pretty busy. Between class and working 30 hrs of OT in a two week period and then 14 hrs of OT, I mainly worked and slept. Kidlet went to Oklahoma for two weeks during that time so it was nice to be able to get in the extra time at work. Classes start back up on Tuesday for us both and I think I'll be making an A- in this class I am currently. I really don't care for the topic and am doing all I can just to make a good grade. Astronomy is not my strong suit. We have one last team paper to submit and a final then I get a two week break before Macroeconomics begins. Caylee is almost 10 months old already! Unbelievable! I am already anticipating this year flying by as well. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!

Too much to do and no time to do it...

I've been working extra hard lately trying to get as much OT as I can while they are offering it. Kidlet is going to OK for Xmas break so I hope to be pulling 11-12 hr days while she is gone. Started up an astronomy class last week. Gotta get that science credit, you know. Still making A's in school and trying my best. For those of you who read this, sorry I didn't post a Happy Thanksgiving Day post but better late than never, right? so Happy Thanksgiving! hahaha

Wanna see a cutie?

OH NO!

I just realized I forgot to post a picture of my little pumpkin during Halloween! Isn't she adorable?

Thanksgiving again...

Well it's soon to be Thanksgiving again. Where has this year gone to? It seems like just yesterday it was NYE day and the year was beginning. Things I am thankful for:
CAYLEE STELLA
KIDLET'S HEALTH
MY HEALTH
STILL HAVING MY BRAIN FOR SCHOOLING
HAVING A JOB
BEING ABLE TO SUPPORT US BY HAVING A JOB

I'm sure there are other things I'm thankful for but that's the most important I can think of at the moment. I am having my one year anniversary at work next month. Wow! Time is flying by there too. I seemed to have moved from the mail room to scanning department though and still trying to figure out how that happened. I like the scanning though because I can sit down all day. Not sure if I will stay there or not but we will see. I have another class that starts up on Tuesday (Astronomy). I have to fulfill my last science credit then its back to main core classes. I'm supposed to be reading my chapters today but I haven't felt like it. It's early yet though...

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for?

Okay, my mug is posted...

I joined Facebook, why? I have no clue...people keep sending me gifts and I keep forgetting to accept them. If I had more time for it, it would be okay, but hopefully they'll forgive my lack of time to accept them. I can post comments from my phone though..isn't life grand? hahaha

It's tough...

When team mates have emergencies or drop out of class. I've been so busy with my Economics class that I've barely had time to do anything else. Luckily, I have other team mates willing to help take up the slack and that makes it more easier.

On a different note, we are expecting more rain! I think we are in for a very wet winter this year. Not sure if it will be cold or not, just wet.

Got to see my Grandbaby today! She is sitting up by herself and eating baby food now. They grow so fast. Spoiled rotten too! Can't be too far from her Momma or she throws a fit! But she's sooo cute...



See what I mean?

It's raining, it's pouring

Rain rain go away....


-- Posted from my iPhone

Less than a week to go...

Why is it that time flies by so quickly? I take two weeks off between classes in order to have a break and spend time doing the first assignment for the next class but for some reason this two weeks is flying by and I've not had any time to do anything. I'm not ready for my class to begin! Am I getting burned out by this stuff? I'm thinking I need more than two weeks. Maybe after this class, we will see. Economics is going to be difficult because I have a hard time reading those stupid graphs. Fortunately, I've had both economics classes before so hoping I actually retained some of it. Anyway, guess what I get to spend my last weekend of freedom doing? Writing my first paper for class in order to stay ahead of the game....

Some days...

I don't like waking up. I have a headache this morning and I don't know if its from the weather (which is fanstatic) or PMS. Kidlet awoke me at 2AM this morning and it took me an hour to realize it was WAY too early for her to be up! Made her go back to bed and my head has gone downhill from there. I think a hot shower and back to bed sounds pretty dang good right now...

Another class ended

Well, I survived Humanities 102 and I believe I made an A. I haven't received the final grade yet but going by what I've made so far, it should be an A. I was pleasantly surprised that our final team project passed with such flying colors (14.7 out of 15 points). I had a good team this time but one of the people didn't do much for the last project. I hate waiting till the last minute to do things and she waited until Sunday to finally post something. By that time I had written her part as a backup. But I guess it doesn't truly matter, since we did so well anyway, right? My next class is Microeconomics. I've had Micro and Macro before but this school wouldn't transfer the credits so I have to take them again. I hope it isn't as boring as the regular classes were when I went to campus. That class you could take a nap in it was so boring. There is a lot of reading and writing of course but I hope to get an early start this weekend. I have another week to go before class actually begins and I want to get a head start on the first paper that is due.

Not much else is going on. Pulling as much OT as I can at work in order to have a decent check. Taking care of kidlet and loving my grandbaby, Caylee. I'm off to put on my shoes and head to work. Happy TGIF!

September already!

I can't believe it's already September. Time is flying by so fast this year. Every Saturday I tell myself I'm going to slow down and enjoy the day. Wait! Maybe when I die....


-- Posted from my iPhone

Alive and kicking

I'm still alive and well. Things have been hectic trying to get kidlet's bus schedule worked out for school. I'm still making A's in my classes and start up another one on Tuesday. Changes are happening at work but they don't involve layoffs which is good. Caylee is growing like a weed and I'll be seeing her again on Sunday. That's my life, what there is of it....


-- Posted from my iPhone

A poem or ???

On silent clouds the wind draws nigh, floating quietly through the sky...

That's all I have for now

-- Posted from my iPhone

No motivation...

I don't know what it is about this Marketing class but I can't seem to get motivated. I have no energy to write about anything. I have a paper coming due on Monday and so far I've only started the introduction paragraph. I need motivation! Any ideas anyone???

It's too hot! I'm already wanting winter to get here. This 103 plus is for the birds.

Finally got the iPhone in I was waiting for and now waiting for my new Dell Studio one19 to come in I'm such a gadget freak...
-- Posted from my iPhone

Who knew...

It would be so difficult to order the new iPhone 32 S. Lauren and BJ are buying it for me but the people who take orders are idiots! Here's hoping it ships out tomorrow. On a different note, I'm putting off writing a paper. My next class starts in week and a half and will have a paper due first week. I'm hoping to get inspired this weekend. Cross your fingers for me..,

-- Posted from my iPhone

Finally I might find time...

I downloaded a new app for my iPhone to better stay in touch. Of course nothing major is going on to write about but you never know, right???

-- Posted from my iPhone

I'm still here...

See the Dahn Report (follow the link) for an update to my week... for those of you who need a smile...see below:

It's gonna be my birthday!!!

It's my birthday tomorrow and for some reason I am sure being depressed today. I keep thinking is this all there is??? Will the rest of my life consists of worrying about sitters, work, health, and Vicky without anything for me? No love life, no peace of mind, no rest? I know this mood will pass but for now I seem to be wallowing in it and keep wishing all my worries will go away...permanently. Oh well, Happy Early Birthday to me...

So much for babysitters...

Well, the new sitter welshed out on me. After watching her on Friday and yesterday, she decided she couldn't devote the time for Vicky on top of watching the other kids she does. No notice, just a phone call. Another girl, Erin, called yesterday evening and wants to try her hand at watching her. I think it's going to get harder and harder as she gets older trying to find someone for her. I may end up having to move to Waco just to find more available sitters. I can't do that until she finishes school. This is so hard as a single parent. I have to work to pay bills and take care of her. The stress of all of it is eating me up. Isn't life grand? NOT...

Update...

I'm so behind on posting lately. This Business Law class has kept me busy and my next class, Finance for Business, will also, I am sure. I've been having a sitter crisis lately. My wonderful sitter of two years had to move out of the area and I didn't have anyone to cover for her. Fortunately, after much nail biting and no sleeping, I found a new sitter. She'll start with her on Friday and it's such a relief. I pray they will get along. Vicky is a big flirt and this new sitter has BOYS!!

Caylee is doing great. Gaining weight and still purty! Grandma hopes to see her on Sunday! Wish I had more going on in my life but I think my plate is pretty full.

More Caylee...

Can you tell I'm a proud Grandma?

Welcome to Caylee Stella!

Caylee Stella was welcomed into this world a little after 9:00 PM today. She weighed 7 lbs. 11 oz. and was 20 inches long! Mother is doing fine, Grandma is eggscited! Kidlet doesn't get it yet but will when she sees her sister doesn't have a belly anymore and can see Caylee for the first time. : )

Catch up day...

Wow, I didn't realize it's been over a month since I've last posted. I'm so busy doing classwork, working, and taking care of kidlet, that I have no time to get online and do other things. I do have some news though. Lauren will be having her baby on March 5th!! The doctor is going to induce it (don't ask me why, I don't know). I'm sooo excited. I am taking the day off but have to work that whole day Saturday, which will suck. Small price to pay though for watching Caylee being born.

Kidlet will be 21 on March 21st. I can hardly believe it. Lordee, I feel so old. That's about it for my life. Nothing new going on besides the baby and birthdays. Hope everyone who reads this is doing well.