It's bad enough...

That moving day is just around the corner but for the new tenants to show up at your door asking when you are moving out...ACK! Excuse me people but I do work!! I can't budge a thing until Saturday and I didn't even get the keys for the new place till today!!! I did have some small measure of joy in telling them that the appliances go with me since I bought them. Wait till they find out the smaller AC units are mine too. I can't help it they want in so badly that they already transferred their electric to here and my electric company closed my account without even notifying me. There should be a law against that happening. They should call and tell you, "Hey, did you know someone wanted to transfer the electric"? At least give you warning that they were tampering with your utilities. I now had to do a mad dash to get my electric transferred, gas moved, and tomorrow try to get my water done while I have to work and go to Oklahoma. It will all work out eventually, I am sure. I am just a major STRESSER when it comes to things like this happening. I can't wait to be moved though. The new place looks ten times better than this place. New paint on the walls and new carpet. Kitchen needs some help but it will do. I have a week to decorate things how I want them. Yippee!!!!

Four days and counting..

Till moving day! I can't wait and yet, I can. Nothing worse than moving but having the thrill of someplace new to set up, enjoy, and discover has me filled with JOY. Wish me luck!!!

A day like today..

It's quiet..too quiet. I'm finding myself fighting the urge to reinstate AOL. Not because I miss the chats but because I miss finding someone new to chat with and yet, in the same breath, I want to be left alone. Moodiness be damned!

Artists and their work...

I wonder at times how much of themselves are truly seen in every artist's work that they do. An online friend is a sculptor and I visit his web site from time to time to view his work. Trying to see how much of himself he put into it or if it's just a rendition of his reflections of his world. It's not always easy to see the hidden parts of what other's do in their lives. Subtle meanings are there, I am sure, but to view his electic work is both daunting and a joy. Daunting because I don't always understand it and it amazes me the directions his mind will take. A joy because he puts it online for others to view and enjoy the work. I don't truly understand all types of art anyone does but I try to see what I get out of it and I think in the long run that is what they want you to do. Every once in a while I come across a painting, writing, or sculpture that makes me sit back and say, "I can see my own self in that", and it draws me to think about my life and my own artist wanting that I've always held back and in check. I used to draw as a child but somewhere along the way, I lost the urge. I write now, this unconsequential nonsense you read here but it's an outlet for me as I am sure every piece of artwork is for those that do their art. But then, that's what it is all about, isn't it? Letting a piece of yourself out, setting it free, to roam into other's minds as only they can interpret it?

Is it wrong tooo....

Be jumping up and down for joy because next Friday my daughter will be going to Oklahoma for a week???? I love my child, yes I do, but I love my sanity more. For one week out of every year a long time friend has taken my daughter for me. Every year for the past 20 yrs. Sweet, eh? A week doesn't seem like very long to some maybe but to me, it's one week of not hearing, "Mom", or not hearing the radio blaring the same song over and over again. This week her favorite is, "I'm having the time of my life" because she loves the movie Dirty Dancing. On top of listening to the radio she also watches Smallville with the sound turned down. Strange child, I know, but it makes her happy. I also get to MOVE the week she is gone. I am on vacation and will be moving our things into a new place so when she comes back she will have a new room and house. Mom won't get much rest but it will be restful not having to worry over her. Believe me, that makes a world of difference in my life. Is it next Friday yet?

I noticed I've never mentioned if the air cast for my ankle actually worked or not. To my great surprise, it has made a difference. I don't wear it everyday but I wear it on the days my leg bothers me a lot or I know I'll be out in the warehouses looking for records most all day. Fortunately for me, this month has been the slowest it's been in over a year. I did 731 requests last month and so far this month (knocking on wood), I've only done 250. Big difference, eh? The rest is doing me good though. Not as much stress. Stress will come soon enough when I am able to move. I can't wait for that! I need the change. Badly.

Some days I wake up...

And I think to myself, uh oh, that's a song, isn't it? ooops! Anyway, I think to myself that I am glad that I am single. My child is demanding at times, my job is demanding, and I am not really sure I have the time nor the energy to devote to meeting anyone else's demands. Relationships to me are suppose to be a two way street. You do for them, they do for you. But it's all mutual. Done out of love, respect, and the sheer joy of pleasing them. Maybe I've just picked the wrong men but I've ended up doing more than my fair share of pleasing and spoiling and I ended up resenting it. I still carry that resent to this day from my last relationship. It's wrong. I should let it go but I get scared. Scared that if someone wants to get too close, I'll end up in the same relationship I left. Then there are other days, I wake up feeling so alone. Wishing I had someone to just give me a hug. Tell me, yes, you are loved and special. Knowing and feeling these things aren't always easy. Being told is sometimes better. It's hard to battle your fear of not being needed with your desire to be alone. A contradiction of terms, I guess. Maybe I've become too selfish about my needs instead of looking for someone else to worry over. To me, a relationship involves much more than sex. You have to be able to talk to them. They have to at least show some interests in your passions even if they don't understand them. You have give as well as take. I refuse anymore to settle for anything less than what I NEED. I know it's too much to ask to find someone with enough intelligence to actually carry on a conversation. Too much to ask for a man to respect my space when I need it as I would respect theirs. Too much to ask for a man to just hold me sometimes without demanding more than I can give. I am sure there are men out there with their own complaints about women too. I don't disagree that either sex is perfect. I am far from perfect. I have so many issues, my issues have issues. I just want a friend. A friend who accepts me as I am. Imperfections and all. If it turns into love great, if not, it all good too. I don't want a sex buddy. I'm not looking for sex. That leads into a whole other string of issues. Just a friend.....

Something I don't wish...

A major migraine on anyone. I awoke this morning at 7 with such a raging headache. In the course of five hours I've taken three Excedrin for migraines and two Tylenol PMs just to get it back to a dull roar. It's not working very well....

I feel like...

Such an idoit. I was trying to tell someone this evening that my oldest daughter was born when I was 16 and yet, according to the Math, I had to be 18. Well, I was 17 but almost 18. Why did I have it stuck in my head I was 16? I lost a good six months of my life when my husband died. I have a hard time remembering anything that happened after I was 18 until I was about 21. I know my middle daughter was born when I was 20 and six months later her father died. I think, in self-preservation, I block out a lot of that time period. Get confused as to what I was really doing during that time. His sudden unexpected death dealt a hard blow to my pysche at that time. Even with all that going on, why did I think I had her earlier? I hate when I screw up so much like that. Not remembering things. Or getting them wrong. I'll fret about this for a few days now. Feel bad because I'm sure the person I was talking to thought I was nuts or lying. Sighs. I really hate this...

I am starving...

For intelligent conversation.....sighs.

Reasons why...

I left AOL.
1.) There wasn't really anything convincing me to stay.
2.) Tired of the fights in the chat rooms.
3.) Save money.
4.) Quit being so depressed because others chose to fight all the time and I feel sad for them.
5.) It ceased to be fun.

One reason I could've stayed:
The odd times I met someone really wonderful to chat with.

Those who care, can reach me. Those who don't. Have a nice life.

Well, I did it...

I cancelled AOL. I just got tired of being hurt. The fighting in the chats. The place was depressing me. There are several people I will miss but I seriously doubt anyone will miss me. I'm just another blip on the AOL screen of life....sighs.

Sometimes I wonder ODD things...

I wonder sometimes how other people think. I use AOL, yes, AOL as a gateway to a world that I would otherwise not have access to in life. I spend my days working to provide just enough for me and my child to live on, spend my weekends taking care of her, and AOL is my "escape" as you will into finding others somewhat like me, whom just want someone to chat with and need to stop the lonliness. Too many times though I come across people who think for some unknown reason they are, I guess, irresistable. I don't ask to be a part of anyone's life anymore. Being a single, non-dating, workaholic mother doesn't mean I am always looking for someone to save me, rescue me, or be my boyfriend. Where do some of these men get these ideas? Are some women so bad to them that they can't trust any woman? I must admit I don't trust men much either but I do try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm just very shy and skittish about relationships. I am NOT looking. If God decides the time is right for me to have someone in my life, I am sure He will let me know somehow. Until that time, MEN, I don't want you in my life personally. I just like to chat sometimes, care sometimes, and yes, I like to flirt sometimes. Don't take it personal, okay? sighs....

Marriage...sighs

A chatroom "roomie" is getting married tomorrow. I sent well wishes and hope things for them both work out as they dream they should. Each day that passes by I find myself resigning to being single for the rest of my days. I want to get married again though. I miss "belonging" to someone, old-fashioned as that may sound to some. I miss more having someone there to beat up on when I'm having a bad day (kidding) and someone to share life's joys with instead of just watching them happen and saying, oh, that's nice. Unfortunately I'm one of "those people" who are always hopefully I will find what I want in life. Be a sad life if I didn't have hope, wouldn't it? Anyway, I digress. Many happy wishes to the happy couple. I truly hope all goes well for them...

It's amazing..

The way things happen in life. I have an online friend in Florida that I talk to on the phone quite often if we don't catch each other online and I found out this evening that he had been SHOT over the weekend! My first reaction was to cry with surprise then I browbeat him because he didn't let me know! He is under strict orders to give his mother my phone number, just in case. I've never met this man and we are only FRIENDS but I care about him like a brother. My life would be that much emptier if something were to happen to him and he would be gone. I pray for his sake he can move as he wants to, SOON. He's trying to sell his house, sell things he doesn't want to store, and then he's going anywhere but there. All this because some kid wanted to show how tough he was and shoot him because he could. Sighs. This world is falling apart. I admit I live in a cocoon at times. This town has it's share of crime but not like that of big cities or other major towns. I've had my CD player stolen from my pickup (which I have yet to replace) but other than that, nothing has ever happened in the many years I've lived here. I can only continue to pray that it doesn't take a bad turn at any time. I'll say extra prayers tonight for my friend and hope he continues on a road to recovery. Irony though, the bullet (38) is still in his NECK! The doctor are afraid to remove it because of the so many vital parts in the neck area. He was sooo fortunate it missed everything!!! Life is tough all over.

I wish I knew..

What was wrong with me...

I've been having headaches, tense shoulders so bad they get numb, and I've been biting my nails something I haven't done in years. Just stress? depression? losing my mind? sighs

Decisions, decisions...

I've been doing some thinking lately. When I move, I may not get back on AOL. I'll keep my Internet connection and talk to a few via AIM but there's nothing on here for me anymore. I'm just tired of all the fights in the chat rooms. All the empty promises you hear from people. The losses that hurt me to the core. I had a life before AOL and I can have one after... I don't know..we will see.

Life is changing...

My life is fixing to change! I found a new place to rent and hopefully the septic won't back up. The power surges won't blow up my computers and life will once again sail smoothly so I don't lose my mind. I don't get to move until July 1st but I am already busy packing up things I don't use but want to keep. Throwing out things I've kept for some unknown reason but don't really need. Simplifying my life as much as possible. Unfortunately I have to use my vacation time to move but I guess that's all okay. I never go anywhere anyway. Kid will be sent to Oklahomas to stay with a friend that week so when she comes "home" the new place will be it. I think most of my boxes are full of books. I counting at least 15 and that's not counting the trunk of paperbacks I have in my bedroom. I hope to fix up the extra room as a den for me. Make bookshelves, put computer in there, and find a good comfortable chair to lounge in to read. I'm excited. Ready for a change. My life is growing too stagnant. Once the move is over, we will see what other changes I may do for myself. : )

Post Mother's Day and all that Jazz...

Well, I got to see my daughter on Mother's Day. She bought me a set of cross earrings and a delicate yet lovely necklace. This from a child who knows I never wear jewerly. I'd rather get a book certificate to buy books than jewerly. I said all the appropiate things, oooh, how lovely..thanks and hugged her. Wore them to work one day. They now sit in their box they came in and there they will sit until I have an occasion to wear them. As if that will happen.

I'm thinking of taking a break from AOL. See if I can go the whole weekend without once signing on to chat or get my fix. It's not as if anyone will miss me. Who's knows? Maybe I'll even clean the kiddo's room. HA! As if!

Some days...

I think I'm okay and then someone makes a comment, innocently, and I want to cry all over again. I watch and see people talking about things they wouldn't like in a person or would not accept and I realize that so many are looking for perfection. So what if they have to wear dentures? maybe they had childhood problems and they tried to make their teeth last as long as possible but does that make them less desirable? less worthy? So what if they are a little "big". Does that make them less than a person? It just makes me want to cry to realize that in so many people's eyes, I will never be considered desirable. Wanted. Loved. I just want to cry.

I know it doesn't do any good to hate..

But sometimes I truly dislike my husband's side of the family. Because they hate me, they ignore a wonderful child that we BOTH had when we were married. It's not my fault he died. He made that decision but it is their fault they shut her out of their lives. Fortunately her Grandfather isn't so biased. He tries to stay in touch with his Granddaughter and even walked her down the aisle in place of her Father. It makes me hurt so much for her sometimes. There is nothing I can do and everything I want to do for her. I know if she is ever blessed with a child, even though she is having trouble conceiving, they will still ignore her. That's okay. She has me. She has her sister's. Her husband and all his family. They love her. She has her Grandfather for what little time he may have left on this Earth. What or who else does she really need? Sighs...

News and more news...

Found out today from my doctor I have to wear an air cast for my ankle for the next four weeks. I think the doctor has no clue as to why I hurt and she is just grasping at straws. I will give it a try. Anything to get rid of this chronic pain I feel everyday. Sighs. I hate getting old. It sucks. In more ways than one...

Yadda Yadda Yadda....

Enough said...

It's a PMS kinda day....sighs...

I am moody today. Feeling melancholy, alone, all the usual bs that goes with these moods. I miss my friend so darn much that I used to talk to. Just seeing his name online made me smile. Amazing how you can meet people online and not ever meet them in real life and yet, they mean so much to you. Sometimes, I just feel so alone....

Happy Birthday to me!

Sometimes, its just too funny...

Some people just have to make me laugh. You talk to them online. Don't see them for a week. Inquire as to their existence and YOU do it wrong. I don't need anyone to entertain me. Disappear for a month, a year, forever, it matters not to me. Just don't assume you mean more to me or that you are so irrestible I can't do without knowing where you are or what you are doing. Some people over estimate their worth and others, sighs, never value themselves enough. It's just too funny sometimes...

Days I hate...

When you are so tired that everything just gets on your nerves.
When you realize the friend you lost, isn't coming back.
When your legs hurt so much you can barely walk.
When you ask yourself, is this all there is?
When you feel really alone....

I lost something very important today...

I lost a friend. He didn't die. Didn't leave town. Just disappeared out of my life due to circumstances beyond his control. I didn't realize how much it would hurt. I should've known though. I am too sensitive to people and care too much. I have another friend that I never see anymore online. I know he is still alive, I get his emails. I miss him too. I hate when life changes on you. Happy as a clam one day and BAM! something just blows it all to shite. I'm seriously considering going off AOL. I keep getting hurt. People disappear on me. Walk away. Get lives. Me, I am stuck in a rut. Yea yea, pity me time, right? Still doesn't stop the tears from falling thinking about my friend I will never see again. Or the ones I rarely see anymore but know they are still around...somewhere. Just makes me realize how alone I truly am. Sighs.

Blasted computers!

After almost two weeks of computer problems and down time, I am finally back online. Had to buy a new motherboard with processor, etc and box. Fortunately my hard drive was still good so have that in here and was able to rescue most of my stuff. Computers, you either hate em or love em!

I tried...

I really did. I open IMs. I made a profile. I even sent out my picture. For what? to be insulted by no responses, to come across many morons? I give up. I will just have to learn to be happy spending my days taking care of my daughter and forgetting about me. I'm sure I'll eventually come to terms with it...just may take some time....

I don't need...

I don't need a man to complete my life...
I need a man to become a part of my life.
I don't need a man to take away my troubles...
I need a man to stand against them with me.
I don't need a man to take away my burdens...
I need a man to help carry the load.
I don't need a man to make me feel beautiful...
I need a man to see that I already am.
I don't need a man to change me...
I need a man to watch me grow.
I don't need a man afraid to show love...
I need a man willing to give love.
I don't need a man afraid to rejoice in the Lord...
I need a man that will.
I don't need a man to feel loved...
I need a man to just love me.

Some days...

I do just fine and then WHAM! I start thinking too much. Hoping too much and just plain wondering why do I even care? sighs...

I sometimes wonder...

At that which I cannot see. Am I being to imaginative or just being me? Are all my dreams fantasies or something that may come true....

20 days and counting...

In 20 days my baby, Miss Thing, will be 18!!!!! The closer that it gets to that day, the more depressed I think I feel. Of course, she has no clue exactly what it means to be 18. In her mind, she is still 1215 (don't ask), so it's just another day for her. To Mom, it means an end of her childhood by law, but not in her mind. The older she will become the more I worry about her future. The what ifs, the could happens, the where will we be.. sighs... too many worries... Sometimes I am so glad she has no clue... none at all.

Sometimes life is just so hard....

It's been a hard end of the week for me. Kid sprained her ankle badly and I'm trying to figure out if sitter can keep her all week or do I need to take my vacation? My boss and I had words Friday evening, of which, he threatened to fire me. I'm not worried about being fired, he doesn't have the authority to do so but it will make my job that much harder due to his pettiness and childish actions. I'm still having my health problems and that doesn't make things any easier. It's times like this that I wish I had someone in my life to "share" my burdens. I don't need them to take them away, they only make me stronger but just share them so I don't have to carry the load all by myself. Sighs. Such is life.

A single tear....

As she slowly walked away, a single tear fell down her cheek. A tear for remembering what she thought would once last forever, was gone now. A tear for knowing that no matter how hard she looked, hoped, or wanted, there would be no others to fill the hole in her life. A tear for knowing, she was alone and this was all there is or ever will be.....

Thinking again...

I've been doing some thinking lately. I think I will go back to just being by myself online. Spend my time in rooms that no one ask who I am or want to know anything about me. Time to quit caring. Just be alone.

Ever want to shrink and fade into nothingness? or just give up and disappear? Sometimes I wonder why I am still here trying. Trying to live, love, laugh, or care. It's amazing how you hang onto the smallest threads sometimes because if you don't, you will just fall....

It's amazing...

The amount of pain a person can endure and for how long....sighs.

I'm going to live (rats).... grins

Went to the doctor today about my leg pain. Nothing is showing up wrong inside, no circulation problems, no arthritis, just plain old swelling and pain. Apparently I've stressed it due to the bursitis that developed in the other knee and have overstrained it. I've been told to cut out ALL salt (due to swelling), try to lose some weight, and try to put the same amount of weight on both legs...haha, right. The salt I can live without. The weight, I'll try but make no promises. Weight off both legs...not while they hurt I can't. Oh yes, stay off them as much as possible. Hahahaha, funny doctor, huh?

Yammering....

Have you ever walked down an old country road and listened to the birds sing? Have you ever stood on a hill and watched a thunderstorm as it was coming in? Have you ever taken time to listen to your heart and not your head? What happens to all the little pleasures as life's demands take over and runs things? (dont mind me, Im just yammering)

Another Valentine's Day alone. Need I say more?

Smallville, smallville, smallville....

Okay, perhaps it was a dumb thing to do or maybe not but I have been blessed this weekend in watching a Smallville marathon with my daughter. Mom broke down and bought her the Fourth season to watch on DVDs. Of course she has her favorite episodes which she had to watch not once, twice, or even three times but FIVE! The only good part about it all is that each episode lasts about an hour so guess who had time to read a book AND take a nap? Yay for me! I'm not really complaining. I spoil her. I know I do. Anything that puts a smile on her face makes me happy. Being as it is a Monday, I am mentally trying to prepare myself to see what type of work week I have in store for me. I am not working any overtime this week except what little bit I get here and there by clocking in early. I'm almost all caught up (so far) until they bring me more in to do. It does make it nice though, going to work knowing I have a raise, and realizing I am the only one in our department worthy of one. "Patting self on back" Good job, well done! : )

I survived! I think...

Well, January has come and gone. I survived the month. My last count for the 31st was 950 record requests. A first for me! I usually search for about 500 to 600 requests a month so I was slightly over. I ended up developing bursitis in my right knee from the strain. Believe me, it is very painful. I think I am becoming quite attached to my ice pack. The good news is.... I got a raise!!! Second one in six months. Yay for me!! I got a little bit more than I thought I would and I am happy about it. At least they recognize I deserved one without me having to ask for it. Now if they would just fire my none working boss...greedy, aren't I? Life is okay as long as I ignore the aches and pains and the moodiness. Hahahaha right! : )

Can I be worked to death?

This has been such a hard month for me at work. I've had to look for 335 records OVER what I normally would be doing. My total so far is 827 and the month isn't over yet!!!! My body is protesting greatly. Between my knee throbbing and my shoulder hurting again I'm not sure I will make it another day. I am taking this Friday off though. I just need to get out of there. Three days off should help. Hoping to go see my Grandson this weekend but not sure just yet. Where is my dream man that will support me in the style I could become accustomed to???? Haha (kidding) I pride myself on being able to make it on my OWN although I have ONE stubborn friend that refuses to listen to me and has helped me greatly last month. I will admit, it was nice not to have to worry about some things like I usually do in December. My income tax refund should be in this Friday and I am doubling up on house bills so that worry will be gone for a few months also. Somehow, someway, we will survive. : )

Melancholy feelings...

Feeling a tad melancholy today. Not sure why. I need to do so much to this house and I just don't have the energy. It's like why bother? Do the simple things, basic things but just let the rest go. I've been feeling very restless lately. Not a good sign. Means another bout of depression is trying to creep in on me. I won't give in... I can't. The last one about did me in...sighs. If it gets too bad, I will go to the doctor again and get help. Its been a whole year since I've felt this way... was so hoping it would stay gone. Peri-menapause sucks....big time.

Today is not a good day...

I'm weepy, stuffy, tired, oh okay, I'm exhausted... it would be a good day to just go out and .....scream.....sighs

It's a lonely trip sometimes...

Life can be lonely sometimes. Trying to live by your convictions, morals, and values. I've made the decision in my life where I no longer want someone in it just to relieve my physical desires but I want someone who will help me relieve all my desires. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I think I may end up being alone for many more years to come but if that is so, then it's okay too. I just wish people would understand that not everyone is as loose about their lives as they may be. Sex is not all there is..it is just icing after you have had the cake. I want the cake .... not just icing.

A New Year, a new day...

January 1st, 2006! My how time does fly. I've only made one resolution so far this year and it should be very easy to keep. I've decided to just give my life over to God and let Him decide what He wants to do with it. I don't seem to know what I want to do with it so maybe He knows more than I, you think? Other than that, I'm excited to see a New Year begin. Now if I can only figure out how to slow them down just a tad : ) Happy New Year !!

Journeys..

I've been rereading my blogging entries for the year and I notice a trend of moodiness in there sometimes. This year is coming to a close and all in all, I guess, I can say it's been an okay year. I've lost my ability to write at times but then I wonder, do I just write when I'm depressed? If I'm not writing does this mean I am not depressed? A quandary for sure. I do know that I am changing inside, for the better I think. Trying to become closer to God and less dependent on the things that aren't relevant. I have no clue what the year 2006 will bring. Good things, bad things. I will still in all my power try to remain positive. Write more in here. And dang it, lose some of this gut that grew this year for some reason!!! Happy New Year!!

It came, it went...

Christmas has passed for another year. Time is flying by so quickly these days. I've not done things I've wanted to do, accomplished goals I may have set, nor found the happiness I need to have but all in all it hasn't been a bad year. I have a new Grandson, niece, and nephew...one of my daughters got married, and I made a life change decision that seems to be working for me so far... 2006 is around the corner and I'm ready. For the New Year and new beginnings... Happy New Year!

Holidays, tears, and laughter...

Well, two more days and Christmas will be upon us. I truly get depressed this time of year but I try to hide it behind a facade of good cheer to those around me. I have many things I am blessed with in life but it seems to be the things I am not that I dwell upon the most. I am fortunate to be spending my Christmas Day with my oldest at her house so at least I won't spend the day alone with just the kid. I will try not to dwell too much on the fact that I am alone in my life..sighs. Okay, enough maudlin. Whining time is over. Thank you God for helping me to find friends with whom I needed at the time I needed them and for losing friends that weren't really my friends and did more harm than good. God Bless everyone...

Rant day...

I have elected this day to be a rant day!! I am soooo mad about the way some things are at work. My "boss" and I use this term lightly, did positively absolutely NOTHING today and got paid for it!! To make matters worse, one of our warehouse workers arrived late and spend the day doing absolutely NOTHING with him! I got to work at 7:45 and did not hardly slow down till I punched out at 5pm. Did I say something to those in the know? You bet I did! I know some days you just want to do absolutely nothing but he tends to do those days most everyday. Thinks that if he works for two hours he should be patted on the back and praised. HELLO!!! I work 8 non-stop hours and no one praises me! The biggest complaint from him that really gets me is when he complains he is now only allowed to get 40 hrs a week with no overtime. I have two hours of overtime so far this week (I know how to clock in early but then, I start work when I do that) and the fact that he has none. Thinks no one should have any overtime if he can't get it. HA! Let me get to work at 8am, stand outside for an hour drinking coffee and smoking with the boys, wander around till 10am, take my 20 (suppose to be 10) minute break..etc...I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, something needs to be done soon and if it isn't, I'm staging a mutiny!! (As if) Now if I could just get rid of this major headache from today's stress I would feel great!!!!

Movies and time well spent...

I actually got out of the house today to go watch a movie ALONE! Actually I was suppose to go see "Harry Potter" with the oldest but she didn't feel well so we are putting it off. Instead I went to see, "The Chronicles of Narnia". I've read the whole series of books on that story (which I love) so seeing the movie was just icing on the cake for me. It was great! I liked it so much I would even pay to see it again. Now if I can just figure out where I put those books....

As one goes through life they realize sometimes that dreams won't always be answered and what they thought their life would be like, isn't. They learn to make do. To survive. Or to just cry sometimes....

I know they mean well...

I've been getting "ragged" on a lot lately about finding a new job that offers health insurance instead of the one job I have that doesn't but I like it. Why can't these helpful men see just how hard it would be for me to move? First I would have to find a competent sitter because my child is mentally challenged and leaving her with just anyone won't do it. After I find a sitter, I have to find the job. It doesn't do me any good to find the job first because if I don't have the sitter, I have no job. Relocation: this is a small small town so finding a good job means moving. Excuse me, are you willing to fork over about 2,000 it would take for me to pack up, move, rent a new place, set up utilities, plus survive until the new job starts? Don't get me wrong, I know they all mean well and I do appreciate it but they truly have no clue what moving would be for me. My child does well in her school here. Uprooting her would be traumatic to some degree I am sure. She knows the teacher, the kids, and she has her routine. Maybe after she is out of school I can consider changing occupations, but until then, unless you want to put us up for a few months until I get settled, please be my friend and just listen to me whine without trying to fix it. I love you for trying though... : )

A Day late....

Well, I didn't make the usual entry wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving because I forgot I had this thing! Sad but true. Due to the generousity of a friend, my daughter and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with turkey and fixings. To top it all off, a generousity of a stranger, has helped me to produce a good Christmas for my daughter. This year, I have much to be thankful for after all. Lose some friends, gain some friends. Realize what is right and what is wrong with certain friendships. Friends do because they want to, not because they have to. Friends care no matter what, without forgetting whats important to you. As I meet more new people I realize that those I thought were my friends, weren't. I've not heard from them. I did not expect to. Aw well, what goes around comes around, tenfold. I believe that now. Always.

Two weeks and counting...

Okay, I know I did a good thing. Why is it I am sitting here moping today? Five years down the tubes and its only been two weeks but I still miss the dam man! Okay.. I won't do this. Not worth it. Nope, not gonna. I am better, I deserve better, I need better. Where the hell is the one that's suppose to take his place? sighs...

As I lay here at night I think of things I wished I had done, said, or needed to feel and my only regrets are that I did not open myself up to the passion I know is inside of me. I keep it hidden as if I may not be able to control it once it is let loose. Sometimes though, I am just too tired. Of life, by work, taking care of the kid, to even feel as if I am alive and have needs. Regrets...

I did a brave thing...

The promise I made to myself at the beginning of this year has finally born fruit. Call it stupidity or sheerly stubborn, whichever the case may be, but I finally ended a five year online friendship. A person can be told only so many lies, broken promises, and endure silences up to a point and I've reached mine. I don't care if this is just "online", you still do not treat people badly. I'm not going to belabor all the bad things that happened. I was a fault for tolerating it for so long. I am just going to breathe a sigh of relief that it's over. Done with. Move on. NEXT!

End of October...

It's almost Halloween! I had to choose between buying candy for the sometimes non-existent trick or treaters or buying real food for me and the kid. Guess who won? I will be hiding in my home with the porch light out praying no kid has the balls to ring my doorbell and go, "Trick or Treat"! Then I will be shamed to say, "Sorry, no candy here". Life, truly sucks sometimes. Oh a better note. I am being "chased", maybe that is the word, by a person who seems to be enamored of me. Is he nuts or what? Unfortunately he lives very far away and our only chance of meeting will be if he is true to his word and flies here to see me. (I am sort of wishing he would) We will see.. it's nice though.. having someone calling everyday to see how you are and just to say hello. Been awhile since anyone really cared enough to do that ...sighs...

Create and destroy...

I recently deleted another Journal I had somewhere else. Amazing too because no one said a word. That tells me no one ever reads it anyway. Oh well, I do it for me. Not for the public. Things are going about even keel here right now. I could go either way..off the deep end or just stay laid back. I haven't decided yet. If I lose it, my Journal will be the first to know.

Drats...

I am still here...

If I were to disappear...

If I were to disappear tomorrow, would anyone notice I was gone? If I were to stop caring, would anyone notice I cared at all? If I stopped talking, would anyone notice I even once had something to say? If I no longer exist...would I have made an impression when I was here?

Really strange...

This has been a really strange year for me in some ways. I've either become accustomed to living alone and no longer worry about if someone finds me attractive, witty, or desirable or I am just deluding myself. My oldest got married so now she is officially "not my problem" not that she has been in a long time. Well, she was at age 16, but she has vastly improved in her nature. I would like to think we are good friends as well as mother-daughter. I've been trying to decide which direction I want my life to go next year. The on again off again online friendship I've had for close to five years with someone is coming to a close completely. Where I would once cry about it, I can now safely just sigh and say, "Oh well, such is life". I've been debating about whether to keep AOL or not again. I'm becoming disallusioned with it or maybe I'm outgrowing it, I don't know. Seems to me too many other things are going on in my mind and space that I just don't have time for much of anything anymore. Or I am becoming lazy. Take your pick. Friends that I thought were friends, don't keep in touch. New friends I hoped would be friends, don't keep in touch. No one has time for anyone anymore. I don't have time to be the only one that tries to keep in touch. Friendship is two-sided, not one-sided. I've had enough of being the only side....

Changes...

A lot has been happening lately here. My oldest got married this past weekend. I am so happy it all went without a hitch. No major mishaps nor tears of frustration because something didn't go "just so" for her. She planned an excellent wedding and reception party. I didn't know my child was so talented : ) It was also a sad time for me because I knew she wanted her father to be there and he wasn't alive to do so. His father walked her down the aisle and I know that brought many joyous thoughts to her. Not the same but still all good. I'm back at work now, vacation time is over and I can ask myself, "Am I having fun yet"?

Hurricane Katrina...

I've been reading all the news about Hurricane Katrina and the plight of all those poor people down in Louisiana. Everyday a new story just brings tears to my eyes about the suffering they are going through. I cry at night because I am helpless to help due to just trying to survive myself. I urge anyone that can help them, to help. Be it in prayers, money, food, clothing, or whatever small part you can give. Let's not be a country to ignores those less fortunate but a country who rallies in the wake of disaster. Sighs. More tears.

Throughly disappointed....sighs

I am throughly disappointed in the lack of responses concerning my Yahoo Personal ad. Out of millions of people who may surf looking for a mate, I've only had one response and even that one isn't all that great. He doesn't write much. What are these men actually looking for in a woman? I'm not beautiful but nor am I ugly. I'm no longer have the body of a teenager. I am a grown woman fighting the battle of age and of hormones. I have a job, it does not make me rich but I support myself. I have a mind, I think for myself. They all talk about how they want someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, etc... all those pretty qualities. I am all those and more. True, I have a kid that I must raise for many years to come. She is not a Burden! In all honesty though, I suppose I should be happy that not many did respond because in looking for what I need, is very rare to find....

The Yahoo thing isn't going too great. I've gotten two hello emails and yet, when I write back, no response. Go figure. Maybe I'm too formal. Too polite. Too correct. Too much of me. Nah, that's not it. They are just rude and playing around, I can only guess. Doesn't really matter though. My happiness can only come from me. Not from some sad sack looking for a good time online...

What have I done?

I have willingly or unwillingly, whichever the case may be, put a profile up on Yahoo Personals. Of course, I expect no emails, no undying words of OMG! I need to meet you, nor do I expect it will go on past the one month I decided to shell out for which by the way, could've been put to better use just buying chocolate and engorging myself thus ending this need to totally embarass and cause sheer humilation as others read my profile. I don't do well in dating, can you tell? I do good just to chat in IMs with others. I don't know the nuances, the games, who or how others can pretend to want to chat, only to find out they much rather know, "Hey, did you get laid lately"? So what if it's been five years. Big deal. I'm not dead yet. I'm just, okay, I'm picky dang it. I feel I have the right to be at my age. I've lived long enough where I don't need the bs nor do I want my child to be around some overgrown hormonal can't keep it in his pants man. I deserve romance, kind words, and yes, by god, love. Tell me again why I am on Yahoo Personals?

Happy Fourth of July....a day early

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. We have the freedom to moan, whine, bitch, cry, and/or jump for joy should the occasion arise due to our fighting men and women who insist we enjoy these privileges because they are giving their lives for them. Either way, be happy we have these freedoms when we could be stifled beyond hope, bombed beyond endurance, or dead....

Life is sure funny sometimes...

It's strange that people who can forget you at the drop of the hat always seems to come back into your life as if nothing has happened. Ah well, I refuse to worry over it anymore. Be a cold day in hell before I beg any to talk to me. To laugh with me. To share with me. If it happens, it happens. Life is good with or without someone in it. Way it is, way it always will be. Sighs.

Strange things...

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. We were both discussing why we were alone and what could we do to change it. His problem, and he readily admits it, is that he can't trust women. I've tried to tell him that he needs to quit tarring every woman with the same brush. There are a few of us good ones out there but he's just happened to find all the bad ones. He didn't think that was so funny. He likes me so he tolerates my humor. Myself, I'm just scared. Scared of rejection. Of being told I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or sexy enough for them to want to hang around a while and get to know me. Yea, I know. Self-esteem issues. Been this way for years, think I'm going to change now? Ha!

Odd thoughts...

It's strange sometimes. You wake up with such clarity, vision, and sense that you know where you are in life and it's really okay..but then, as the day goes one, doubts creep in. Seeking little corners of your mind to make you question, are you really as happy as you think you are? content? accepting? settled? At these times, I just wish my brain would shut up!

Dreams shatter...

Turbulent dreams shatter against the still night. Somber thoughts as you realize dreams break into million of tiny pieces. Each piece representing a hope, a desire, a want, if you will. Anyone have Super Glue?

I finally discovered...

I am writing for myself. Not for anyone else as it is apparent no one really gives a damn when or if they read my words. I'm so tired of so many things in life right now. My life, my job, my lack of personal relationships. I sit in this chair online and watch others talk about meeting, talk about how well it went, and all I can do is cry. Maybe it's because I'm so hormonal. I don't know. I could just be tired. Question is, am I too tired for life...? sighs...

Irons in the fire?

I asked a friend today why we don't talk much. His reply, "I'm watching you and I also see you have a lot of irons in the fire right now". Irons in the fire huh? Is that why my phone never rings? No one ever comes over? I have no one to hold me tight when the day has been brutal and I am weary. I talk to quite a few online sometimes. Some I consider really good online friends. But in truth, that's all they are. Online friends. Very few of them stop and ask me how my day was, how I am feeling, or if things are going well for me. I don't expect them to care that much about my life. I care enough for us both. Irons in the fire...it's all just smoke.

I'm still here...somewhere...

Between my job and my kid, not much time for reflecting nor writing..but I am still around.

Decisions, decisions...

Just when I think life is going smoothly, something always becomes the bump in the road. I had a metamorphisis if you will, about my life. For the first time, I'm feeling as if I might have more control over it than I thought possible. The bonds that have been holding me captive for the past four years are slowly slipping away. I don't want to let them go though. For they portray comfort and sameness in my life. Gave me a reason to not move forward. It doesn't matter anymore if I don't end up where I was hoping to go as long as I end up there in the end. I don't need what I thought I needed, I only need me.

Another day, another thought...

I've been extremenly restless as of late. Don't know why though. Is it because I am once again going through that horrible monthly mood time or just becoming more settled in taking what I have in life and not expecting any more? I need to write more. I've been neglectful of late with my muse and my sense of wonder at the directions my mind takes me sometimes. I really don't like feeling this way..empty..restless..alone...

I am soooo pissed off....

I am so angry at this moment. I've been holding in so much anger over the past three months about my boss and the way he does things in our warehouse. Today was the last straw. I got fed up with his so called jokes and told him to "Kiss my ass". Granted I shouldn't have said that but dammit my job is important to me. He treats it as if it is soo dam easy and of no consequence. Well let's just see if he gets things screwed up or not trying to prepare my records to go out. I've had enough...

Hold me now...

Hold me now for I may disappear in a puff of smoke only to be fondly remembered in your dreams of the past not to be mixed with the future. Hold me now for I need comfort, not coldness I see in many eyes, but warmth of a dream of closeness and intimacy that is so longed for in my dreams as I lie alone and unheld .....

Days are passing...

I haven't written in here for so long. I must be running on even keel lately. Not much has been happening in my life except the usual. Just living. I hurt my shoulder at work (rotator cuff) so am on light duty which means no lifting boxes or moving (a major portion of my job) and just look for records as one of the guys help me. I was hoping it would heal by itself but it still bothers me a little. Maybe by time I go back to doc's on Tuesday, it will be fine. My ankles stay swollen from the constant walking on concrete but such is life. I did get a NEW washer for Mother's Day from my daughter and her boyfriend. Life is looking pretty good it seems after all. I'm so easily pleased : ) Later....

Some days you just feel as if you aren't all there...

There are some days when my thoughts are far away yet close by and I feel lost, alone, and confused as to which direction I should go in this world. I wonder sometimes what my future will hold and if I am doing the things right in the NOW to ensure I get THERE in the future. Living one day at a time seems to be the only way I can function most of the time. No plans, no hopes, no dreams, and most of all, no needing for things to change from what they are now to what might be in my dreams. Some days you just feel as if you aren't all there...or that you really don't want to be there...

Letting go...

There are times when you have to let go all the while knowing that there was never really anything there for you. You pretend and believe that what you feel is real, when in reality, it is as unreal as any dream or passing thought you might ever have in this life. Letting go...two words that make some things so hard to do. Do you hang on to the dream with every last shred of being or do you let go in order to pursue newer, better, and more real things in life instead of dreams of fantasy? I say good-bye to you in my own way in my own heart without voicing the thoughts outloud to you. Will you notice? Will I even be missed? I try not to look upon it as wasted effort, lost time, never recoverable or to be gotten back. All of life is a lesson and letting go...is the biggest one of all.

I seem to have lost my ability to write...

I haven't written much in here lately. My mind just goes numb sometimes and the words don't flow. Not having a good night tonight. Work was stressful. Something is wrong with my leg and it hurts. And right now, I just wish I had a hug...

What a day!

It's been a heck of a day today. Was busy from time I got there till a few minutes after 5pm. Right now I'm so stressed thinking about the stack of records waiting for me tomorrow also that I just want to sit down and cry. Maybe I will, it might help...

The hardest thing...

The hardest thing to do sometimes is to try to convince myself that I am doing well. That life is going along fine and my dark thoughts I try to keep at bay don't exist....

Night out on the town...

Well, I did it. I went out for the first time in about five or six years. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Now I just have to decide is this something I want to do again or do I just go back into my shell and think about what I can't have? I've never been one to like a person based on looks but I was watching the men and women there last night and I felt as if it was the last of the human dregs all out searching for that one person who they could be with. I hate feeling that way. My books are looking so much better now...

A huge step...

I am taking a huge step this evening. I am going out dancing. Yes, I said dancing. No, not on a date..that would be too huge of a step. Meeting a girlfriend at a club and we both will proceed inside like we know what we are doing and have ourselves together. Inside, I am a bundle of nerves awaiting the smallest hint of disaster saying I can't go. I've even worked myself up to a headache. But going I am, unless of course, I get paged to go to work then I can sigh with blessed relief that yes, I am saved. : )

In your eyes...

I will see your soul when I look into your eyes. A deep abiding comfort. Mirrors shining brightly upon my face as I see the laughter shining. Will the comfort be part of the whole? Meant for me? Or will they only shine temporarily as they are sidetracked to another place or time?

Timeless...

My youngest turned 17 today. It was a good birthday for her, I think. Her sister surprised her with a cake at school, balloons, and movies. I took her out to eat and to a movie at the theatre on Sunday. She seemed pleased. I now have balloons floating around my ceiling : ) At least I am lucky in one aspect. She will never ask for a car for her birthday! : )

I guess I should be dancing in the streets...

I've not written much in here lately. Does this mean my life is going well? No major bumbs or blurbs or have I just resigned myself to staying single thus getting rid of the idea that I need someone in my life to write and rant about? I haven't forgotten you blog, I just have better things on my mind right now...

A mountain...

Life is like a mountain sometimes. Majestic. Beautiful. Difficult. Everchanging. Yes, everchanging. Have you ever walked up a mountain before a storm? Everything is pristine. Perfect. Until. The water rushing down the sides from clouds overflowing with moisture dropping from the sky, threatens to change the view as rocks fall, trees bend, and erosion sets in. Much like life. We grow, we change, we try to stay the same, and yet, life flows over us. Washing our time away, changing our days, and creating either havoc or calm. Life is like a mountain sometimes.

Life is good...or is it just bearable?

Things are going okay lately. No self recriminations. No crying jags. I'm even working on my tan. Of course the dang weather can't make up its mind if it is going to be hot or cold so the nose stuff starts up again, but then, it can't all be perfect, can it?

What's with the songs??

Okay, I cheat. Some days I can't think of a thing to say and other days I want to say so much that I am afraid once I start I won't stop and then the tears will start to flow and I will be pissed off at myself for letting things get to me... AGAIN!

How's The World Treating You...

(James Taylor & Alison Krauss)
I've had nothing but sorrow
Since you said we were through
There's no hope for tomorrow
How's the world treating you

Every sweet thing that matters
Has been broken in two
All my dreams have been shattered
How's the world treating you

Got no plans for next Sunday
Got no plans for today
Every day is blue Monday
Every day you're away

Tho' our pathways have parted
To your memory I'm true
Guess I'll stay broken hearted
How's the world treating you
Do you wonder about me
Like I'm hoping you do

Are you lonesome without me
Have you found someone new
Are you burning and yearning
Do you ever get blue
Do you think of returning
How's the world treating you

Martina Mcbride - God's Will

I met God's Will on a Halloween night
He was dressed as a bag of leaves
It hid the braces on his legs at first
His smile was as bright as the August sun
When he looked at me
As he struggled down the driveway, it almost
Made me hurt
Will don't walk too good
Will don't talk too good
He won't do the things that the other kids do,
In our neighborhood
I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin'
Lost and lookin' all my life
I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated
I've wrestled wrong and right
He was a boy without a father
And his mother's miracle
I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin'
I guess I would be still
Yeah, that was until
I knew God's will
Will's mom had to work two jobs
We'd watch him when she had to work late
And we'd all laugh like I hadn't laughed
Since I don't know when
Hey Jude was his favorite song
At dinner he'd ask to pray
And then he'd pray for everybody in the world but him
I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin'
Lost and lookin' all my life
I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated
I've wrestled wrong and right
He was a boy without a father
And his mother's miracle
I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin'
I guess I would be still
Yeah, that was until
I knew God's will
Before they moved to California
His mother said, "they didn't think he'd live"
And she said, "each day that I have him, well, it's jut another
gift"
And I never got to tell her, that the boy showed me the truth
In crayon red, on notebook paper, he'd written, "me and God love
you"
I've been searchin', prayin', wounded, jaded
I guess I would be still
Yeah that was until...
I met God's Will on a Halloween night
He was dressed as a bag of leaves

I will never get used to...

Being stood up. It's so hard for me to comprehend the reasons a person stands another up. Especially when you consider that person a friend. No show. No call. Won't answer the phone. Why can't anyone just be honest these days? If you don't want to see someone, say so. If you don't want to talk to them say so. But to be rude and just ignore them. I will never understand it. Maybe it's just me. I dislike being late anywhere. If I can't make it somewhere, I call. I don't make promises I can't keep. If I have to break a promise, I feel a thousand times guilty for not being able to keep it. Maybe this is a flaw in me. I'm too nice. I'm too lenient. I tend to say what's on my mind and hold nothing back with those I care about the most. Fat lot of good it gets me. I am being stood up by one guy, ignored by another, and well, the third, I'm not even going there anymore. What happened to simple curtesy? Simple caring of other's feelings that you might, just might, hurt them if you can't do as you say you will. Or if you don't respond to their missives because they may just want to know you are okay. I think I give up. I will just live alone without all these rude men in my life. I'm tired of being hurt and I've done nothing wrong. Just tired of it.

You know what really irritates me?

When someone you thought was a friend ignores you without giving an explaination. When they become so busy in their life that they can't even acknowledge a phone call or an email. Why do I even bother caring so dam much?