Journeys..

I've been rereading my blogging entries for the year and I notice a trend of moodiness in there sometimes. This year is coming to a close and all in all, I guess, I can say it's been an okay year. I've lost my ability to write at times but then I wonder, do I just write when I'm depressed? If I'm not writing does this mean I am not depressed? A quandary for sure. I do know that I am changing inside, for the better I think. Trying to become closer to God and less dependent on the things that aren't relevant. I have no clue what the year 2006 will bring. Good things, bad things. I will still in all my power try to remain positive. Write more in here. And dang it, lose some of this gut that grew this year for some reason!!! Happy New Year!!

It came, it went...

Christmas has passed for another year. Time is flying by so quickly these days. I've not done things I've wanted to do, accomplished goals I may have set, nor found the happiness I need to have but all in all it hasn't been a bad year. I have a new Grandson, niece, and nephew...one of my daughters got married, and I made a life change decision that seems to be working for me so far... 2006 is around the corner and I'm ready. For the New Year and new beginnings... Happy New Year!

Holidays, tears, and laughter...

Well, two more days and Christmas will be upon us. I truly get depressed this time of year but I try to hide it behind a facade of good cheer to those around me. I have many things I am blessed with in life but it seems to be the things I am not that I dwell upon the most. I am fortunate to be spending my Christmas Day with my oldest at her house so at least I won't spend the day alone with just the kid. I will try not to dwell too much on the fact that I am alone in my life..sighs. Okay, enough maudlin. Whining time is over. Thank you God for helping me to find friends with whom I needed at the time I needed them and for losing friends that weren't really my friends and did more harm than good. God Bless everyone...

Rant day...

I have elected this day to be a rant day!! I am soooo mad about the way some things are at work. My "boss" and I use this term lightly, did positively absolutely NOTHING today and got paid for it!! To make matters worse, one of our warehouse workers arrived late and spend the day doing absolutely NOTHING with him! I got to work at 7:45 and did not hardly slow down till I punched out at 5pm. Did I say something to those in the know? You bet I did! I know some days you just want to do absolutely nothing but he tends to do those days most everyday. Thinks that if he works for two hours he should be patted on the back and praised. HELLO!!! I work 8 non-stop hours and no one praises me! The biggest complaint from him that really gets me is when he complains he is now only allowed to get 40 hrs a week with no overtime. I have two hours of overtime so far this week (I know how to clock in early but then, I start work when I do that) and the fact that he has none. Thinks no one should have any overtime if he can't get it. HA! Let me get to work at 8am, stand outside for an hour drinking coffee and smoking with the boys, wander around till 10am, take my 20 (suppose to be 10) minute break..etc...I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, something needs to be done soon and if it isn't, I'm staging a mutiny!! (As if) Now if I could just get rid of this major headache from today's stress I would feel great!!!!

Movies and time well spent...

I actually got out of the house today to go watch a movie ALONE! Actually I was suppose to go see "Harry Potter" with the oldest but she didn't feel well so we are putting it off. Instead I went to see, "The Chronicles of Narnia". I've read the whole series of books on that story (which I love) so seeing the movie was just icing on the cake for me. It was great! I liked it so much I would even pay to see it again. Now if I can just figure out where I put those books....

As one goes through life they realize sometimes that dreams won't always be answered and what they thought their life would be like, isn't. They learn to make do. To survive. Or to just cry sometimes....

I know they mean well...

I've been getting "ragged" on a lot lately about finding a new job that offers health insurance instead of the one job I have that doesn't but I like it. Why can't these helpful men see just how hard it would be for me to move? First I would have to find a competent sitter because my child is mentally challenged and leaving her with just anyone won't do it. After I find a sitter, I have to find the job. It doesn't do me any good to find the job first because if I don't have the sitter, I have no job. Relocation: this is a small small town so finding a good job means moving. Excuse me, are you willing to fork over about 2,000 it would take for me to pack up, move, rent a new place, set up utilities, plus survive until the new job starts? Don't get me wrong, I know they all mean well and I do appreciate it but they truly have no clue what moving would be for me. My child does well in her school here. Uprooting her would be traumatic to some degree I am sure. She knows the teacher, the kids, and she has her routine. Maybe after she is out of school I can consider changing occupations, but until then, unless you want to put us up for a few months until I get settled, please be my friend and just listen to me whine without trying to fix it. I love you for trying though... : )

A Day late....

Well, I didn't make the usual entry wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving because I forgot I had this thing! Sad but true. Due to the generousity of a friend, my daughter and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with turkey and fixings. To top it all off, a generousity of a stranger, has helped me to produce a good Christmas for my daughter. This year, I have much to be thankful for after all. Lose some friends, gain some friends. Realize what is right and what is wrong with certain friendships. Friends do because they want to, not because they have to. Friends care no matter what, without forgetting whats important to you. As I meet more new people I realize that those I thought were my friends, weren't. I've not heard from them. I did not expect to. Aw well, what goes around comes around, tenfold. I believe that now. Always.

Two weeks and counting...

Okay, I know I did a good thing. Why is it I am sitting here moping today? Five years down the tubes and its only been two weeks but I still miss the dam man! Okay.. I won't do this. Not worth it. Nope, not gonna. I am better, I deserve better, I need better. Where the hell is the one that's suppose to take his place? sighs...

As I lay here at night I think of things I wished I had done, said, or needed to feel and my only regrets are that I did not open myself up to the passion I know is inside of me. I keep it hidden as if I may not be able to control it once it is let loose. Sometimes though, I am just too tired. Of life, by work, taking care of the kid, to even feel as if I am alive and have needs. Regrets...

I did a brave thing...

The promise I made to myself at the beginning of this year has finally born fruit. Call it stupidity or sheerly stubborn, whichever the case may be, but I finally ended a five year online friendship. A person can be told only so many lies, broken promises, and endure silences up to a point and I've reached mine. I don't care if this is just "online", you still do not treat people badly. I'm not going to belabor all the bad things that happened. I was a fault for tolerating it for so long. I am just going to breathe a sigh of relief that it's over. Done with. Move on. NEXT!

End of October...

It's almost Halloween! I had to choose between buying candy for the sometimes non-existent trick or treaters or buying real food for me and the kid. Guess who won? I will be hiding in my home with the porch light out praying no kid has the balls to ring my doorbell and go, "Trick or Treat"! Then I will be shamed to say, "Sorry, no candy here". Life, truly sucks sometimes. Oh a better note. I am being "chased", maybe that is the word, by a person who seems to be enamored of me. Is he nuts or what? Unfortunately he lives very far away and our only chance of meeting will be if he is true to his word and flies here to see me. (I am sort of wishing he would) We will see.. it's nice though.. having someone calling everyday to see how you are and just to say hello. Been awhile since anyone really cared enough to do that ...sighs...

Create and destroy...

I recently deleted another Journal I had somewhere else. Amazing too because no one said a word. That tells me no one ever reads it anyway. Oh well, I do it for me. Not for the public. Things are going about even keel here right now. I could go either way..off the deep end or just stay laid back. I haven't decided yet. If I lose it, my Journal will be the first to know.

Drats...

I am still here...

If I were to disappear...

If I were to disappear tomorrow, would anyone notice I was gone? If I were to stop caring, would anyone notice I cared at all? If I stopped talking, would anyone notice I even once had something to say? If I no longer exist...would I have made an impression when I was here?

Really strange...

This has been a really strange year for me in some ways. I've either become accustomed to living alone and no longer worry about if someone finds me attractive, witty, or desirable or I am just deluding myself. My oldest got married so now she is officially "not my problem" not that she has been in a long time. Well, she was at age 16, but she has vastly improved in her nature. I would like to think we are good friends as well as mother-daughter. I've been trying to decide which direction I want my life to go next year. The on again off again online friendship I've had for close to five years with someone is coming to a close completely. Where I would once cry about it, I can now safely just sigh and say, "Oh well, such is life". I've been debating about whether to keep AOL or not again. I'm becoming disallusioned with it or maybe I'm outgrowing it, I don't know. Seems to me too many other things are going on in my mind and space that I just don't have time for much of anything anymore. Or I am becoming lazy. Take your pick. Friends that I thought were friends, don't keep in touch. New friends I hoped would be friends, don't keep in touch. No one has time for anyone anymore. I don't have time to be the only one that tries to keep in touch. Friendship is two-sided, not one-sided. I've had enough of being the only side....

Changes...

A lot has been happening lately here. My oldest got married this past weekend. I am so happy it all went without a hitch. No major mishaps nor tears of frustration because something didn't go "just so" for her. She planned an excellent wedding and reception party. I didn't know my child was so talented : ) It was also a sad time for me because I knew she wanted her father to be there and he wasn't alive to do so. His father walked her down the aisle and I know that brought many joyous thoughts to her. Not the same but still all good. I'm back at work now, vacation time is over and I can ask myself, "Am I having fun yet"?

Hurricane Katrina...

I've been reading all the news about Hurricane Katrina and the plight of all those poor people down in Louisiana. Everyday a new story just brings tears to my eyes about the suffering they are going through. I cry at night because I am helpless to help due to just trying to survive myself. I urge anyone that can help them, to help. Be it in prayers, money, food, clothing, or whatever small part you can give. Let's not be a country to ignores those less fortunate but a country who rallies in the wake of disaster. Sighs. More tears.

Throughly disappointed....sighs

I am throughly disappointed in the lack of responses concerning my Yahoo Personal ad. Out of millions of people who may surf looking for a mate, I've only had one response and even that one isn't all that great. He doesn't write much. What are these men actually looking for in a woman? I'm not beautiful but nor am I ugly. I'm no longer have the body of a teenager. I am a grown woman fighting the battle of age and of hormones. I have a job, it does not make me rich but I support myself. I have a mind, I think for myself. They all talk about how they want someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, etc... all those pretty qualities. I am all those and more. True, I have a kid that I must raise for many years to come. She is not a Burden! In all honesty though, I suppose I should be happy that not many did respond because in looking for what I need, is very rare to find....

The Yahoo thing isn't going too great. I've gotten two hello emails and yet, when I write back, no response. Go figure. Maybe I'm too formal. Too polite. Too correct. Too much of me. Nah, that's not it. They are just rude and playing around, I can only guess. Doesn't really matter though. My happiness can only come from me. Not from some sad sack looking for a good time online...

What have I done?

I have willingly or unwillingly, whichever the case may be, put a profile up on Yahoo Personals. Of course, I expect no emails, no undying words of OMG! I need to meet you, nor do I expect it will go on past the one month I decided to shell out for which by the way, could've been put to better use just buying chocolate and engorging myself thus ending this need to totally embarass and cause sheer humilation as others read my profile. I don't do well in dating, can you tell? I do good just to chat in IMs with others. I don't know the nuances, the games, who or how others can pretend to want to chat, only to find out they much rather know, "Hey, did you get laid lately"? So what if it's been five years. Big deal. I'm not dead yet. I'm just, okay, I'm picky dang it. I feel I have the right to be at my age. I've lived long enough where I don't need the bs nor do I want my child to be around some overgrown hormonal can't keep it in his pants man. I deserve romance, kind words, and yes, by god, love. Tell me again why I am on Yahoo Personals?

Happy Fourth of July....a day early

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. We have the freedom to moan, whine, bitch, cry, and/or jump for joy should the occasion arise due to our fighting men and women who insist we enjoy these privileges because they are giving their lives for them. Either way, be happy we have these freedoms when we could be stifled beyond hope, bombed beyond endurance, or dead....

Life is sure funny sometimes...

It's strange that people who can forget you at the drop of the hat always seems to come back into your life as if nothing has happened. Ah well, I refuse to worry over it anymore. Be a cold day in hell before I beg any to talk to me. To laugh with me. To share with me. If it happens, it happens. Life is good with or without someone in it. Way it is, way it always will be. Sighs.

Strange things...

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. We were both discussing why we were alone and what could we do to change it. His problem, and he readily admits it, is that he can't trust women. I've tried to tell him that he needs to quit tarring every woman with the same brush. There are a few of us good ones out there but he's just happened to find all the bad ones. He didn't think that was so funny. He likes me so he tolerates my humor. Myself, I'm just scared. Scared of rejection. Of being told I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or sexy enough for them to want to hang around a while and get to know me. Yea, I know. Self-esteem issues. Been this way for years, think I'm going to change now? Ha!

Odd thoughts...

It's strange sometimes. You wake up with such clarity, vision, and sense that you know where you are in life and it's really okay..but then, as the day goes one, doubts creep in. Seeking little corners of your mind to make you question, are you really as happy as you think you are? content? accepting? settled? At these times, I just wish my brain would shut up!

Dreams shatter...

Turbulent dreams shatter against the still night. Somber thoughts as you realize dreams break into million of tiny pieces. Each piece representing a hope, a desire, a want, if you will. Anyone have Super Glue?

I finally discovered...

I am writing for myself. Not for anyone else as it is apparent no one really gives a damn when or if they read my words. I'm so tired of so many things in life right now. My life, my job, my lack of personal relationships. I sit in this chair online and watch others talk about meeting, talk about how well it went, and all I can do is cry. Maybe it's because I'm so hormonal. I don't know. I could just be tired. Question is, am I too tired for life...? sighs...

Irons in the fire?

I asked a friend today why we don't talk much. His reply, "I'm watching you and I also see you have a lot of irons in the fire right now". Irons in the fire huh? Is that why my phone never rings? No one ever comes over? I have no one to hold me tight when the day has been brutal and I am weary. I talk to quite a few online sometimes. Some I consider really good online friends. But in truth, that's all they are. Online friends. Very few of them stop and ask me how my day was, how I am feeling, or if things are going well for me. I don't expect them to care that much about my life. I care enough for us both. Irons in the fire...it's all just smoke.

I'm still here...somewhere...

Between my job and my kid, not much time for reflecting nor writing..but I am still around.

Decisions, decisions...

Just when I think life is going smoothly, something always becomes the bump in the road. I had a metamorphisis if you will, about my life. For the first time, I'm feeling as if I might have more control over it than I thought possible. The bonds that have been holding me captive for the past four years are slowly slipping away. I don't want to let them go though. For they portray comfort and sameness in my life. Gave me a reason to not move forward. It doesn't matter anymore if I don't end up where I was hoping to go as long as I end up there in the end. I don't need what I thought I needed, I only need me.

Another day, another thought...

I've been extremenly restless as of late. Don't know why though. Is it because I am once again going through that horrible monthly mood time or just becoming more settled in taking what I have in life and not expecting any more? I need to write more. I've been neglectful of late with my muse and my sense of wonder at the directions my mind takes me sometimes. I really don't like feeling this way..empty..restless..alone...

I am soooo pissed off....

I am so angry at this moment. I've been holding in so much anger over the past three months about my boss and the way he does things in our warehouse. Today was the last straw. I got fed up with his so called jokes and told him to "Kiss my ass". Granted I shouldn't have said that but dammit my job is important to me. He treats it as if it is soo dam easy and of no consequence. Well let's just see if he gets things screwed up or not trying to prepare my records to go out. I've had enough...

Hold me now...

Hold me now for I may disappear in a puff of smoke only to be fondly remembered in your dreams of the past not to be mixed with the future. Hold me now for I need comfort, not coldness I see in many eyes, but warmth of a dream of closeness and intimacy that is so longed for in my dreams as I lie alone and unheld .....

Days are passing...

I haven't written in here for so long. I must be running on even keel lately. Not much has been happening in my life except the usual. Just living. I hurt my shoulder at work (rotator cuff) so am on light duty which means no lifting boxes or moving (a major portion of my job) and just look for records as one of the guys help me. I was hoping it would heal by itself but it still bothers me a little. Maybe by time I go back to doc's on Tuesday, it will be fine. My ankles stay swollen from the constant walking on concrete but such is life. I did get a NEW washer for Mother's Day from my daughter and her boyfriend. Life is looking pretty good it seems after all. I'm so easily pleased : ) Later....

Some days you just feel as if you aren't all there...

There are some days when my thoughts are far away yet close by and I feel lost, alone, and confused as to which direction I should go in this world. I wonder sometimes what my future will hold and if I am doing the things right in the NOW to ensure I get THERE in the future. Living one day at a time seems to be the only way I can function most of the time. No plans, no hopes, no dreams, and most of all, no needing for things to change from what they are now to what might be in my dreams. Some days you just feel as if you aren't all there...or that you really don't want to be there...

Letting go...

There are times when you have to let go all the while knowing that there was never really anything there for you. You pretend and believe that what you feel is real, when in reality, it is as unreal as any dream or passing thought you might ever have in this life. Letting go...two words that make some things so hard to do. Do you hang on to the dream with every last shred of being or do you let go in order to pursue newer, better, and more real things in life instead of dreams of fantasy? I say good-bye to you in my own way in my own heart without voicing the thoughts outloud to you. Will you notice? Will I even be missed? I try not to look upon it as wasted effort, lost time, never recoverable or to be gotten back. All of life is a lesson and letting go...is the biggest one of all.

I seem to have lost my ability to write...

I haven't written much in here lately. My mind just goes numb sometimes and the words don't flow. Not having a good night tonight. Work was stressful. Something is wrong with my leg and it hurts. And right now, I just wish I had a hug...

What a day!

It's been a heck of a day today. Was busy from time I got there till a few minutes after 5pm. Right now I'm so stressed thinking about the stack of records waiting for me tomorrow also that I just want to sit down and cry. Maybe I will, it might help...

The hardest thing...

The hardest thing to do sometimes is to try to convince myself that I am doing well. That life is going along fine and my dark thoughts I try to keep at bay don't exist....

Night out on the town...

Well, I did it. I went out for the first time in about five or six years. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Now I just have to decide is this something I want to do again or do I just go back into my shell and think about what I can't have? I've never been one to like a person based on looks but I was watching the men and women there last night and I felt as if it was the last of the human dregs all out searching for that one person who they could be with. I hate feeling that way. My books are looking so much better now...

A huge step...

I am taking a huge step this evening. I am going out dancing. Yes, I said dancing. No, not on a date..that would be too huge of a step. Meeting a girlfriend at a club and we both will proceed inside like we know what we are doing and have ourselves together. Inside, I am a bundle of nerves awaiting the smallest hint of disaster saying I can't go. I've even worked myself up to a headache. But going I am, unless of course, I get paged to go to work then I can sigh with blessed relief that yes, I am saved. : )

In your eyes...

I will see your soul when I look into your eyes. A deep abiding comfort. Mirrors shining brightly upon my face as I see the laughter shining. Will the comfort be part of the whole? Meant for me? Or will they only shine temporarily as they are sidetracked to another place or time?

Timeless...

My youngest turned 17 today. It was a good birthday for her, I think. Her sister surprised her with a cake at school, balloons, and movies. I took her out to eat and to a movie at the theatre on Sunday. She seemed pleased. I now have balloons floating around my ceiling : ) At least I am lucky in one aspect. She will never ask for a car for her birthday! : )

I guess I should be dancing in the streets...

I've not written much in here lately. Does this mean my life is going well? No major bumbs or blurbs or have I just resigned myself to staying single thus getting rid of the idea that I need someone in my life to write and rant about? I haven't forgotten you blog, I just have better things on my mind right now...

A mountain...

Life is like a mountain sometimes. Majestic. Beautiful. Difficult. Everchanging. Yes, everchanging. Have you ever walked up a mountain before a storm? Everything is pristine. Perfect. Until. The water rushing down the sides from clouds overflowing with moisture dropping from the sky, threatens to change the view as rocks fall, trees bend, and erosion sets in. Much like life. We grow, we change, we try to stay the same, and yet, life flows over us. Washing our time away, changing our days, and creating either havoc or calm. Life is like a mountain sometimes.

Life is good...or is it just bearable?

Things are going okay lately. No self recriminations. No crying jags. I'm even working on my tan. Of course the dang weather can't make up its mind if it is going to be hot or cold so the nose stuff starts up again, but then, it can't all be perfect, can it?

What's with the songs??

Okay, I cheat. Some days I can't think of a thing to say and other days I want to say so much that I am afraid once I start I won't stop and then the tears will start to flow and I will be pissed off at myself for letting things get to me... AGAIN!

How's The World Treating You...

(James Taylor & Alison Krauss)
I've had nothing but sorrow
Since you said we were through
There's no hope for tomorrow
How's the world treating you

Every sweet thing that matters
Has been broken in two
All my dreams have been shattered
How's the world treating you

Got no plans for next Sunday
Got no plans for today
Every day is blue Monday
Every day you're away

Tho' our pathways have parted
To your memory I'm true
Guess I'll stay broken hearted
How's the world treating you
Do you wonder about me
Like I'm hoping you do

Are you lonesome without me
Have you found someone new
Are you burning and yearning
Do you ever get blue
Do you think of returning
How's the world treating you

Martina Mcbride - God's Will

I met God's Will on a Halloween night
He was dressed as a bag of leaves
It hid the braces on his legs at first
His smile was as bright as the August sun
When he looked at me
As he struggled down the driveway, it almost
Made me hurt
Will don't walk too good
Will don't talk too good
He won't do the things that the other kids do,
In our neighborhood
I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin'
Lost and lookin' all my life
I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated
I've wrestled wrong and right
He was a boy without a father
And his mother's miracle
I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin'
I guess I would be still
Yeah, that was until
I knew God's will
Will's mom had to work two jobs
We'd watch him when she had to work late
And we'd all laugh like I hadn't laughed
Since I don't know when
Hey Jude was his favorite song
At dinner he'd ask to pray
And then he'd pray for everybody in the world but him
I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin'
Lost and lookin' all my life
I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated
I've wrestled wrong and right
He was a boy without a father
And his mother's miracle
I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin'
I guess I would be still
Yeah, that was until
I knew God's will
Before they moved to California
His mother said, "they didn't think he'd live"
And she said, "each day that I have him, well, it's jut another
gift"
And I never got to tell her, that the boy showed me the truth
In crayon red, on notebook paper, he'd written, "me and God love
you"
I've been searchin', prayin', wounded, jaded
I guess I would be still
Yeah that was until...
I met God's Will on a Halloween night
He was dressed as a bag of leaves

I will never get used to...

Being stood up. It's so hard for me to comprehend the reasons a person stands another up. Especially when you consider that person a friend. No show. No call. Won't answer the phone. Why can't anyone just be honest these days? If you don't want to see someone, say so. If you don't want to talk to them say so. But to be rude and just ignore them. I will never understand it. Maybe it's just me. I dislike being late anywhere. If I can't make it somewhere, I call. I don't make promises I can't keep. If I have to break a promise, I feel a thousand times guilty for not being able to keep it. Maybe this is a flaw in me. I'm too nice. I'm too lenient. I tend to say what's on my mind and hold nothing back with those I care about the most. Fat lot of good it gets me. I am being stood up by one guy, ignored by another, and well, the third, I'm not even going there anymore. What happened to simple curtesy? Simple caring of other's feelings that you might, just might, hurt them if you can't do as you say you will. Or if you don't respond to their missives because they may just want to know you are okay. I think I give up. I will just live alone without all these rude men in my life. I'm tired of being hurt and I've done nothing wrong. Just tired of it.

You know what really irritates me?

When someone you thought was a friend ignores you without giving an explaination. When they become so busy in their life that they can't even acknowledge a phone call or an email. Why do I even bother caring so dam much?

Sighs...

There are so many things I wish I could say on here but I am afraid to really state how I feel. I sometimes wish I could just learn the art of not feeling nor caring about anyone. Be like the thousand other people that inhabit this planet. How nice it would be to not feel hurt, cry, or just be lonely because I don't care enough to feel that way. How nice it would be....

Did you know???

That twelve, just twelve, minutes in a tanning bed will cook your body? I moved up from eight minutes to twelve yesterday and I do believe my boby wasn't prepared for it. I now have a red chest, stomach, and back. Oh, and my neck is a tad red. I am hoping this fades into a tan and not some gross peeling snake look. If it doesn't go away soon, I have to cancel my upcoming chance to fry yet more parts of my body this week. I am determined to look tanned this summer. I never get out. I go around with my arms tanned and the rest of me white. Gee work sure interrupts my playtime in the summer. Other than trying to cook myself, it's been okay this week. Wish me luck!

It's been an okay week if you don't count me losing it over PMS. Went a little bonkers on some things this week but hopefully back on even keel now. I think certain times of the month I should just be locked in a room full of books for a week and told I can only come out to eat or drink something. Would be much safer for all, I think. Work has still been slow. I don't know if I should dread the coming month or not now. March is usually an audit month for some hospitals so busy I will be. Went out last night with a couple of people from work. Played...gasp! Bingo! I did Bingo but had to split it three ways. It was all still good. Paid for my games so I broke even. All that matters, correct? Kiddo is doing good. She's been good lately with only a few lapses of thinking she's boss. Mom fixes that right off..haha. Week still has two days to go. A lot can happen in two days so we will see what's in store for me. Later....

Have you ever felt???

As if you can't breathe and every breath you do take your heart shatters a tiny bit more? It leaves you gasping for air as the tears slide down your face to realize you lost something you never really had but thought you did? Gasping for air....

Life sucks eggs sometimes...

Today was an okay day, this evening however, SUCKED!

Spinning round and round....

She twirls to the tune of some unknown music in her head. Laughing and smiling as the spinning makes her dizzy and feel as if she is one with the world. Spinning round and round and round and round until BOOM! down she goes in a heap...watching the world spin around without her.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


SHUT UP! You know it's funny!

Does anyone???

Even read this stuff? or am I just writing into cyberspace, wasting words, thoughts, ideas, and spending vast amount of emotions all for just me? I guess I really am not sure I want to know. In case I happen to suffer a bad attack of PMS and write really stupid sad stuff on here. I wouldn't do that, would I?

Valentine's Day is OVER!!!

I don't know why this year it was so hard for me. It's never bothered me before like it has this year. My oldest, bless her, bought me a rose and had it waiting at the house for when I came home for lunch. Sighs. What would I do without that kind thought? I don't know how I raised such a good kid. Mind you, she is not perfect, none of us are. But she continues to surprise me off and on. I now that I spent what tears I didn't know I still had in me, it is time for bed. Night all.

My coming goal for the next week...

To survive another Valentine's Day alone...

A work in progress...

As shifting meadows lie dormant throughout the changing hands of time, warm winds blow softly across the horizons, and an ever changing view of this world of uncertainty causes chaos upon the changing eve of time. Who knows where the wandering footsteps of the fairy maiden will take her as she gingerly steps among the blooms of flowers growing throughout the hillside vista. Is she running to or from some unknown image that only she can see in her mind that we are not privy to as she circles her steps within the meadow? What awaits her at the end of her trail? Some long lost fulfillment that she seeks to make her whole or is she running from the emptiness within her soul? Watch slowly as she makes her way into the world of uncertainty. Tiptoeing through life as if each step weighs her life's decisions upon them. A never ending cycle of unknowns...

Those who lie in wait for things to happen never fully succeed in seeing them come to pass. Wanting the value of life to be more than what it is, is only a dream of many, truth for a few. What comes to be is not always as simple as you make it to be, for many dreams are complex, and finding the right path to the now is as seemingly difficult as actually living the dream. Dream not of an unobtainable future but of the present for it is the now, the living, that need to breathe and be seen as real. Not some half witted idea, an odd presence in the mind of a few who find it necessary to live only in the past or look for the future behind every doorway. The present. For only it can give you comfort now, not later, not in the past. Now.

My dream...

I lazily stretch and yawn as I slowly awaken from a dream filled sleep. Vestiges of images still weigh on my mind as I rethink of what I dreamt. His touch, ever so soft upon my skin. His heartbeat, slowly melding to match my own. His kiss, gentle, yet firm and demanding. My own dream man, willing to do whatever I need done to satisfy me. To fulfill my wants and needs. Will he always just be in my dreams?

What I like....

I think sometimes about what I look for in a mate. Perhaps I am too picky. Not willing to settle for someone who cannot stimulate my mind as well as my soul. I don't go for looks although I will be human and say sometimes it's good to just look at someone. I go for their mind. I want to be seduce with words, thoughts, emotions, and feel as if I am peeking inside a part of them that they hide from the world but not from me. I come across very few men that intrigue me to that degree. Right now I can count them on my fingers. I want to peek at their mind. The mind. The most complex, orgasmic, and appealing part of a person's body. I don't want the looks, they fade. I want the mind. For it is in the imagination that you will always see what you wish to see. Always feel what you wish to feel. And always, always, be entertained.

If you only knew...

If you only knew the secrets my heart speaks of when no one is around. The dreams I have, the wants, the needs. I always go for the unattainable. I don't know why. Perhaps because what I see is so much better than what I have now. There is something I want right now but I am so afraid to ask for it. Afraid of being told no. Rejection is cruelest from someone you like. So I pretend to myself, it's okay. Being friends is all you need to be. Wanting a bit more, needing a bit more, is not yours to ask. Maybe some day...I will get my wish.

Wishful thinking...

My mind is going around in many tangents tonight. Thinking...dreaming...wishing...wanting. I don't like it when I get like this. Wanting too much and not being able to have it. I don't ask for much from someone. Just good conversation, to be held, to be loved, to be needed. Why is this so difficult for some? Why do we hide like mushrooms in the dark only venturing forth after a rainstorm of emotions? We guard our hearts as if they were made of the strongest gold and yet, they are as fragile as glass. What I want in life...someone to listen to me. Someone to hear me. Someone for me.

Walk softly...

Walk softly into my heart...
listen closely as it beats with every breathe that you take.
Walk softly into my heart...
as every beat portrays how much I care.
Walk softly into my heart...
feel my heartbeat as it beats against your own.

If I open the door...

If I open the door, will you be there?
If I let you in, will you tread lightly on my heart?
If I hold you close, will you never let me go?
If I place my trust in you, will you never betray me?
If I give you my heart, will you treat it like glass?
If I open the door, will it be worth it?

Do you see me there???

Do you see me there? Patiently waiting on the sidelines until you can spare a moment of your time? Do you see me there? Hoping for a word or two, something to just brighten my day? I am invisible most likely. Fading into the woodwork as if I don't exist. Blending into my surroundings so that when you look for me, I am not there. Do you see me? I hope some day you will...

Some days...

Some days the lonliness just sets in and I don't know how to handle it. I miss the intimacy of having someone close by to talk to, hold, or just to be with. Some days I feel the aloneness much more than others and I wonder ..just wonder sometimes...

It's sunshine outside!!!

Ah, we finally have sunshine today. It won't last. Thunderboomers are heading this way this evening but for now, it is 55 and beautiful outside. I've been outside cleaning up a little around the house. Just enjoying the great weather. I haven't written much lately because I've been busy reading. A friend sent me a box of books and I've managed to make my way through half of them already. (Thanks M.C!) I've also have some I bought myself that I need to make headway through. I guess you can say, no news, is good news? Feeling a little restless today though. Maybe I will get fortunate and a friend will call, hint hint! Until then, off I go to clean house...

Hmmm....

I've been doing some thinking lately. Well, actually just daydreaming. There is someone that I like and I wish at times that I was his "type". I truly enjoy talking with him though. Much more that I let him know. Some things in life you just have to accept and this is one of them. Doesn't keep me from daydreaming though : ) Life here is okay. I am finally breaking down and going to doctor's tomorrow for me. Tired of either being stuffy or drippy and not knowing why. Things need to get back on even keel. It makes me cranky! I am also so sick of RAIN! We've had nothing but rain here for the past week and it needs to go away! They are calling for sunshine rest of the week though, so one can hope. Kid is finally well, yippee! I'm starting to feel a bit maudlin so trying to avoid writing in here when I get like that. I know what the problem is, just no way to fix it at the moment. So keeping this short tonight and simple....have a good one!!!

Time is getting away..

Time has been getting away from me this week. So much has been happening. My child still is sick but hopefully new meds and diligence this weekend will get rid of it all. I've not been well either so spending any extra time resting if at all possible. My computer decided to blow itself up Thursday. The thought of a computer committing suicide to get away from you is somewhat daunting . My oldest fortunately had a "new" computer that she was not using because they just bought a "newer" Dell so Mom gets custody of this one for a while. Yippee! It is better than my old one. Work has been slow fortunately for me since I am not up to par to deal with it. Hopefully all this "crud" will be gone by Monday, if not, I think I will carry myself to the doctor to see what I can do for me. But barring all that great fortune, we are doing rather well. Have a good one!

Life as a dream...

As the sun sinks down slowly from the sky visions of purple and orange clouds flare brightly across the horizon. The last bright rays of the sun as it slowly sinks beyond sight. One by one stars come out into view. Brightly shining as they reflect the sun's light off their surface. Fireflies flit off and on across the field. Making it seem an almost magical time. Gentle breezes flow softly upon your face as you lay in the field gazing up at the stars and watching the lights flicker off and on. Allowing your mind to wander. To dream. To envision. Look quickly, for there goes a falling star. Make a wish. Keep it close to your heart. And gently sigh, as it fades out of sight.

I think too much...

I just got through reading a romance novel. Yes, one of those. And of course, that gets my mind to thinking about passion and romance. More of, what is the difference between the two? To me, passion is seeing someone you love all sweaty, dirty, and grimy and then, they give you that look. You know the one. Where your stomach flutters, your heart goes pitty pat, and you feel the heat rush to particular areas of the body and it doesn't matter how stinky or sweaty they are, you just give in to those feelings and you both drown yourself in them together. Romance, when after you've quenched the momentary thirst, you both shower together and you wash them gently and lovingly from their head to their toes. Sensously. You get out of the shower, dry them off, and you both lay on the bed holding each other ...remembering...

A rough day..

It's been a rough day but I am still alive, well, and in one piece : )

Solidarity??

"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion, it is easy in solitude to live after your own, but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

I've read and re-read this quote until it's meaning is perfectly clear. How many times does one conform to the world instead of staying true to themself? I sometimes think I am an oddball in an already crazed world. My thoughts and views I have about many things do not conform to many standards. I judge not a single person for having their views, thoughts, or ideas as to what they wish their life to be. I spend my days trying to be true to myself. The only time another person's opinion matters is if they are important to me. Walk on your own among the crowd. Hold true to your values, thoughts, ideas, and opinions. To fall in with the crowd because the whole believe it and you think you must also, is a grave injust to yourself. Think back on the many that have stood up to others for what they believed in, even at the cost to themselves. Can you do that? Can I?

TGIF!

Ah, Friday at last. This week went pretty good actually. Busy at work but nothing I couldn't handle. Took kid to the doc today and discovered she had a "bead" in her ear. I guess I'm lucky this is the first time she's pulled this kind of stunt. Fortunately doc was able to get it out of her ear and didn't need a specialist to remove. All's well that ends well. I'm on call this weekend due to our company having a record pull in another town. All that means is I stay home because a hospital may or may not call needing a record. I don't mind it too much. Staying home is appealing at times. And that's my week in a nutshell. May write more tomorrow...

A bit remiss...

I've been a bit remiss of late, writing in here. I've been busy at work and come home tired and brain refuses to function anymore than it has to at times. I've also been a bit concerned about my health. My blood pressure is becoming iffy and I am afraid that hypertension is trying to get a foothold on me. No one in our immediate family has had problems with blood pressure so this is a first for me. I've been reading up on it through various web sites trying to find out as much as I can to be informed. I can see now that I will definetely have to change my diet. Eat a bit more salads and fruit instead of snacks at work. As for exercise, I get plenty of that at work. Anyway, we will see what happens with my new regime. Life itself is okay at the moment. Child has been sick but getting better. I am going to try to write in here not just when I am sad but when I am happy or content. I tend to write more when I am sad. All in all, so far, it's been an okay week but then, this is only Tuesday : )

My self quote for the week...

It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things. - Jo Coudert

I admit it. Freely. I have a self-esteem problem. I've been that way since I was a little girl. My favorite thing to do when I was a child was to crawl inside a closet with a flashlight and a book. I would hide for hours. Sometimes, when my mother would call out for me, I would not answer. Trying to pretend I was invisible. I spent my childhood riding my bike, fishing, or disappearing for hours to be alone. I would spend school dances sitting alone or standing by the wall being the very definition of a "wall flower". I can count the number of childhood friends I had on one hand because I let no one get close enough to me. Because I did not like myself so how could others like me? Trying to like ones self is so much harder than liking another. You know all your faults, you live with yourself everyday, see what you are, and are more critical of self than others can be of you. My goal is to work on my self-esteem. "I am woman, hear me roar!"

Metaphysics: Understanding the meaning of life...

I've recently become interested in reading about Metaphysics. Trying to understand why I am here at this particular space and time and if there is a specific reason for it, what is it? I also hope to find answers to other questions more personal that I care to share on here but as far as understanding it, I think you can read many books on the subject and never truly grasp their meanings. I think Metaphysics comes down to intrepretation. How you perceive your world and your place in it. How you perceive others as they cross your path in life. I've always believed things happen for a reason. You many not know what that reason is but it's there. You meet people who make an impact even if fleeting or an event occurs that transforms you and inspires you. Life is full of contradictions. I guess that is what makes it so fascinating, don't you think?

I can't pretend...

I can't pretend to be something I'm not...
whispers of who I am slowly climb to the surface.

Caring, sensual, loyal, unassuming...

I can't pretend to be something I'm not...

to hide from reality of life and from others.

Loving, kind, nonjudgemental, open...

I can't pretend to be something I'm not...
do you know who I am?

A picture to lose yourself in...
Posted by Hello

A Cowboy's Guide to Life...

Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how
well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen
anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder
it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes
from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back
in.

Sunset Beauty

There is a calming beauty is simple things like a sunset.


Posted by Hello

Something new...

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them".
Leo Tolstoy


I've spent the morning thinking about how I can go about making changes for myself. After much thought, I decided to set weekly goals but if they need to be worked on longer, then monthly goals. My first goal for myself, and I think it will be the hardest but the most important, is to change how I perceive my friendships and actions toward others. I am a self-defeatist. I tend to internalize everything. And I do mean everything. If someone doesn't respond how "I" think they should respond, I automatically assume I've done something wrong. I've erred in some way. I've upset them. Listening to how I think, I see a lot of "I's" in there, don't you? I am selfish by far. Or selfish to the point that I disregard others have lives that don't revolve around me. I am demanding to the point where I've hurt relationships I've been in because I am too needy. My goal is simply this: Demand nothing, assume nothing, and just accept events for what they are in my life. Events. Someone told me yesterday, "Don't judge me, analyze me, try to understand me, or to help me". (Sorry MC but those words made me think too much, as usual (smiles)) In "hearing" those words, I've come to realize I do make too much of things. Try to see too deep into things that are not there. Over-analyze feelings, words, and thoughts. And they have a point, just be a friend. Just be there. Not try so hard to be a friend. I will always care too much, I think that is my nature. But I need to learn the difference between caring and being pushy. Cherish moments when someone shares something with you but if they don't give of themselves, don't take it so personally. I think this goal may need more work than a week, perhaps longer than a month but a start is a start, correct?

To do it or not to do it....

I've been debating lately about writing in here my thoughts and emotions as I learn to know myself again. As if anyone truly wants to know who I am. There are so many parts of me that I hide from others. So much I hide from myself. I am damaged somehow. I know this. I could say that it is all my past relationships and hide the truth that the damage was already there. I want so badly to just write my feelings and thoughts and who I am on here but due to my exuberance, I guess you can say, I gave out this link to a few people whom may be shocked if they learned that much about me. Or I could pretend no one ever reads this and I am writing it for myself. Whatever I decide, my journey will begin soon. A journey to try to understand what is wrong with me and how I find ME again. How I learn to live and accept my faults and not always try so much to please others. To learn to say NO. To learn that if things happen it isn't alway because of me, that others are to blame too. Mainly I guess, my journey to find my self-worth. I lost it somewhere and I want it back...

Confusion...

Why am I so confused about my thoughts, my feelings?
I think I have life all figured out and then I look around
and feel things aren't what I thought they were.
You walked into my life...made me think...made me love.
Then life happens and events occur that leave me wondering.
Why am I so confused about my thoughts, my feelings?
Maybe because life isn't suppose to be planned, controlled, explained.
Life is life.
What you make of it.
What you want of it.
What you need of it.
Life.

Time has no meaning...

Time has no meaning for those of us who cry
Each day passes and goes by
Time has no meaning for those of us in love
Each day is better than before
Time has no meaning for those of us confused
Each day is a wonderment of whys
Time passes and stops for no one
Take each day full of tears, of love, and confusion
And just live.

Hands of God
Posted by Hello
Someone sent me this picture not to long ago. It made such an impression. I sit and stare at it sometimes. Just wondering...are they truly the hands of God?

Aching Lonliness....

I've always prided myself on being able to be alone. Take care of myself. Not need anyone. Why then, am I so restless these past six months. Craving something, yet, not sure what? Needing someone nearby to chat with so I know I am not alone as I feel. I ache to just be held sometimes. Just held. To feel that closeness. Nearness. To not feel so DAM ALONE! sighs....wishful thinking...

I fell in love...

I fell in love not with the outer you
but with the inner you.
I sense inside of you someone with the
great capacity to love and share.
I fell in love not with what you can
give me materially but what you can
give my soul.
I fell in love not with the idea of you
but with the knowing of you.
I fell in love with you because of the
beautiful person you are inside,
the ability you have to give of yourself,
the person you want to become.
I fell in love with you because you care
about me. You put my needs before your
own and think of my well-being.
I fell in love with you because you instill a
want in me to put your needs before my own
and think of your well-being.
I fell in love with you because you make
me happy that I found you.
I fell in love with you because you are you.

Somewhere in my dreams...

Somewhere in my dreams is a man. A nameless, faceless man.
He calls out to me, reaches for me
Tries to take me by the hand
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is a hope of a love so true
Is a love that no knows bounds
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is happiness
A belonging
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is someone who wants me
Loves me, desires me, and wishes to be a part of my dream.
Somewhere in my dreams...
Is reality
A reality that I no longer have to dream to find that man, that love, that happiness....
Somewhere in my dreams...Is you....

A Story...

There once was a woman who cared too much about others. This woman would email asking how they were doing, just to say hi, or IM to inquire as to their well-being. Because she felt that everyone would maybe feel better knowing that someone who crossed their path noticed them and cared. As time went on, this woman noticed, that no one would email her, ask about her day, or IM to check on her well-being. She became very sad and depressed to know that she could fade so quietly into the background that no one even knew she was there. The only thing that gave her hope were the few, not many, that would IM her or email her to see how she was doing. This woman has reached a quandary in life. Should she keep on caring about others or close off those feelings deep within her because it is too disheartening to realize that she cares too much and others care so little. Or does she just keep on being who she is realizing that expecting others to care is asking too much of them and her caring should not be based on responses of others. She does it because she asks nothing and yet, a part of her does ask.

Peaceful scenery

I like to sit and look at this picture sometimes. Imagine myself sitting on that rock. Listening to the waves rolling in and feeling the breeze as it blows gently upon my face. I love the beach or any shore. Mostly because it can be either calm or stormy as the turmoil I can sometimes feel inside of me. Either way...this picture...relaxes me..it lets me imagine I am anyplace but here...

Beginning Life Anew

Have you ever woken from a dream to find that you weren't who you thought you were? That life was passing you by and you didn't know how to climb on the fast track? That changes needed to be made, lost self needed to be found, and in the mist of all this, you were crying so much from lonliness that it was eating at your soul? Making changes of any type are the hardest things one can do. You get comfortable. Like a pair of old shoes that fit your feet. They are worn but they suit you well. Life gets like that. You plod along until one day you notice that you are old, alone, and never did what you set out to do. Or you never discovered what it was you wanted to do. You settled. I dislike that word. "Settle". You settle in a relationship, forgetting the romance, the joys, the passion that brought you together. You settle in your job, hating it as most people do, because it's a paycheck and you are too afraid to find something new. You settle for just living. Existing. Surviving. Never settle. Always try at least to do one thing you want to do, need to do, for yourself. Never ever settle.