Well, Christmas is over and now comes paying the bills part. Not only did I buy myself a new laptop but I also bought a new tower. Both are upgrades from what I have and will run on Vista (which I like, by the way). I think I got a good deal for both of them. Total cost was only 1400.00 for both. Computers are sure getting cheap these days.

Kidlet is back from Oklahoma. Went and fetched her today. I'm tired and sore as well. I decided to move furniture around Friday night by myself. Remind me next time to hire someone...haha.

I have to work tomorrow but off on New Year's Day. I hope everyone has a happy New Year!!!

I'm still alive and well contrary to most opinions (my own). Took the kidlet to Lawton on Saturday and missed all the snow!!! I'm glad I got up at 3am in order to leave by 4am. We arrived at 8:30am and I was heading back home by 9:30am. My friend texted me and said it started snowing at 11! Whew, I'm good, eh? I'm off for the next two days and plan on staying home. Between driving to Oklahoma, shopping, and going south to my sister's, I'm tired. My new laptop is supposed to arrive tomorrow so I'll have a toy to play with too. I've also been book shopping and I'm all stocked up for a reading frenzy. I'm in heaven!!! Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Bored...bored...bored!

I'm sitting at work bored out of my mind. So far I've read half of "The Stand" for the fifth time. I guess it beats being outside in the cold though. Kidlet is ready for Xmas and getting excited. I ordered her the following: sixth season of Smallville, first season of Kyle XY, a pair of PJs, and some kind of electronic teaching toy (I forget which one at the moment). She may be going to OK for Xmas again this year. My friend says she wants her there. Life is going okay so far. Hope everyone's elses is too...

It was a dark and dismal day...

Okay...not so dark. It is pretty dismal outside today though. I looked at the radar and noticed all that snow up North and wished it was here. At least once would be nice. Snow to last the weekend then be gone. Maybe we will get more this year, who knows? Otherwise its rainy, cold, and good napping weather. Now if kidlet would let me sleep : )

Different things ...

It was an odd Thanksgiving this year. First, it was only the kidlet and I because Lauren and BJ decided to go hunting in Canada. Last I heard, they still haven't killed anything. Kidlet and I had Tacos on Thanksgiving day and I finally cooked the bird on Friday. It just didn't feel like Thanksgiving. I am thankful I have a job, my health (so to speak), kidlet is pretty healthy (if we could get rid of her cough), have a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies. What more could we ask for, right? I guess I've always been a bah humbug during holiday times. Even as a kid, I would hide in the closet and only come out under duress or when my Mom dragged me out by the arm thus feeling as if my shoulder had come undone. Christmas is the worst by far. I just don't like it. It's never been my dream Christmas where the family all comes together and actually enjoys each other's company. I don't talk to my younger sister at all. Older sister, I talk to her, but we aren't as close as we should be. My parents are gone. They weren't exactly the glue to hold us together when they were alive though. I didn't put up a tree last year and if I can get away with it, I won't this year. Fortunately, kidlet hasn't a clue as to which day Christmas falls on and if she doesn't receive a lot of presents, it doesn't bother her. I just want January to get here. NOW. Let's skip December altogether, okay?

To all that read my blog (when I write something)...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Funeral services are tomorrow morning for my friend at 10am. Fortunately, those at work who would like to go are allowed to do so. I'm still bummed. Apparently he was shot in the back by a 55 year old man. In the back! Which to everyone means he was walking away from the altercation. We still don't understand why the man felt so threatened he had to shoot him in the back. Maybe we will never know.

Dying young...

I got word yesterday morning that a 25 yr old man that used to work with me was fatally shot early Saturday morning. Such a loss and waste of a good life. I feel for his mother for none should ever outlive their child. I hope they have the guy that shot him and he pays well for his misdeed. You will be missed, Billy!!!

Yes, it's true. I'm still alive! Not much going on lately. Working hard at work tryinng to fit three warehouses into one. Joy, Joy. Enjoying this fanstatic weather we've been having the past few weeks, although my toes are slightly cold right now. Kidlet is doing good. My mood is slowly improving. Just another day of life : ) Happy Saturday!

I know I've not been posting here much lately. I think...okay, I know...I'm depressed. I'm trying to not let it overcome me and swallow me whole like it usually does. I don't like it when these dark moods come on me. I think between job stress, lack of companionship, money problems, and whatever else life seems to throw at me, it's finally wearing me down. I've been taking a break from being online. Not on AOL as much either. Bear with me and I'll be my perky self soon hopefully. Until then, you might see a few dark missives while I try to sort myself out. Happy Saturday!

Have you ever had an online friend that just disappeared on you? I've had several and I often wonder what has happened in their lives that they just cease to exist. I have a friend that used to read this blog so I'm hoping this message gets to him since he hasn't answered my emails since Easter. Scott..if you are reading this, I hope you are doing well and I miss our book chats. I know life sometimes carries a person down a different path and I hope whatever path you are taking, you are doing well. Take care and God Bless... Scott.

Should I be excited??? I got a 50 cent raise! Now if I could get rid of this Mother of all headaches!

I am posting this on an iPhone. My daughter, Lauren, gave me her 4gb phone and bought herself the 8gb one. How cool is that?? I also had a review at work today that they will turn in to the new company. I made a 32 out of possible 40. I wanted to be perfect!!

Still here. Still nothing to say. Not much going on really. Waiting on job to find out what's going on. One year will be on Thursday..so we will see. Kidlet is doing good. I'm trying to lose weight (again). Still breathing!!!

I've not been very good at writing on here lately. I just don't really have anything to say. I've been depressed (sort of) but that's par for the course I think (still blaming hormones) and have been trying not to WHINE as I usually do on here. Work is still work. Slow as molasses on some days and semi-busy on others. Still waiting till October to see if we are even staying open. I think that's what most of us are doing. Trying to get what little bit of employment we can till they make a decision. October 10th is the year of being a new company and when some contracts run out for a few of the bigwigs there. I'll keep you posted... : )

I wish at times I could quit caring about people who don't care about me... sighs.

Still here...still counting down days at work till we find out if we stay open or not. Still stressing and the usual stuff... nothing new to report. : )

Grrrr...

Finding two books you want and can't get them yet...maddening!!!

I was thinking today..

Yea, I know. I really shouldn't do that, right?
There are a few people out there that find themselves in a point of their life where they see no options. No way out. No end of the rainbow. During these times it's hard to dig yourself out of the black bottomless hole you find yourself in. Some drink. Some use drugs. Some just try to end it all. For good. I reached an epiphany during a time in my life when all went black. I swore no matter how my life went from then on, it would never end in that black hole again. So far, I've managed to hang on to edge and just scream once in a while. Anyway..before I started rambling, I was thinking about a friend of mine. I haven't told him this. I may not. The reason I like him so much is because he knows the quiet desperation when you reach that point in your life. He KNOWS. He also, like me, dug himself out and has managed to hang on. A connection if you will. Kindred souls both trying to either pretend life is always fabulous or convincing themselves it really is. I just know he makes me laugh and I need that a lot sometimes. A whole lot. I hope he stays my friend for many years to come. He just doesn't know what that laughter means to me. He really doesn't.

Do you ever???

Wake up some mornings and wonder which way your life will go today? Wonder if this is the direction it's suppose to be going or is there some surprise down the road awaiting you? Life seems mundane at times. Get up, go to work, come home, and repeat the process all over again each and every day. In the meantime you try to fill in any empty places with times of joy and laughter. If you succeed, you are left with a warm glow that fills your heart and enables you to go back to your routine...one day at a time.

Do you think she's a tad sore???

Dental Surgery..

Kidlet survived her dental surgery. She had to have three wisdom teeth extracted (two were impacted) plus FOUR other teeth. Poor kid. I feel so badly that she inherited the same type of teeth I had growing up. I don't know what we will do when she gets older. She may not have any teeth left and require implants. Unfortunately, her dental care will run out when she is 21. Doesn't leave much time to do anything, does it? Sighs. Gotta go, she needs a hug.

I can't be what you want...

I can't be what you want.
I can't be all things to you.
In being all things to you, I lose sight of me.

I can't be what you want.
I can't give up my independence.
In losing my independence, I lose my sense of self.

I can't be what you want.
I can't be the love of your life.
I don't feel love. I don't want to care. I can't.

Don't ask me to be what you want.
Don't ask me to be what you need.
I can't.

I'm sooo exhausted...

I spent from 7am this morning till 4pm scanning FIVE huge folders of files to a hospital. Over 1600 pages. You'd think sitting at a desk scanning wouldn't be so exhausting but it is. My eyeballs hurt and it gave me a headache. Laying in bed resting sounds pretty darn good right now.

On the job thing; I decided to stick it out where I am for right now and see what happens in OCT. Word is everyone will get a raise then and I will be up for a 1.00 more an hour. If that happens, I think I can live with it. Everyone is jealous because no matter what happens to the company, as long as we have records there, I have a job. Besides the Canon side of the company, I have the most secure job. I guess I can hang with it for a bit longer right? I am still employed and that's a good thing. It was nice though, knowing someone else out there thought I was worth hiring too.

Trying to get things together for Vicky's dental surgery. Have to call the hospital tomorrow afternoon to find out what time she goes in on Monday. I do know she is the first one in line but not sure what exact time will be. I'll keep you posted.

I think I'm going to take a hot shower, lay in bed, and just veggie out...Peace!

Job...

I didn't take the job...it was for a glorified mail clerk. Staying with present job for now..will write more later...

Happenings...

Kidlet is all set up for dental surgery on the 27th. She will miss the first day of school and possibly the second day as well.

I'm sort of all set for job interview tomorrow. I think. Found out today though, that they plan on giving raises in October where I am now and also, if they shut most everything down, my job is still secure as long as we have records at the facility. Changing jobs is such a hard choice sometimes. So many pros and cons for staying or going. Part of me wants to stay because I do like my job. A lot. I'll go see what the woman has to say tomorrow and make my decision then. Sighs. I dislike change.

Job interview..

I have a job interview schedule for Wed at 8:15 am. Wish me luck!!!

Waiting game is over..

He did call... amazing. : )

Waiting game...

I am in the midst of a waiting game, I think. I told the new guy I've been chatting with on the phone that I didn't want to discuss the "S" word in every conversation we had. He has yet to call me since then. Better to find out now than to invest my emotions, eh?

Should I write or should I not???

I sometimes give the link out to someone whom I hope they read this blog and learn a bit more about who I am and what I am like in life. I always have misgivings though. When someone reads it and if I write about them, I feel guilty. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. This is my forum. My way to express myself and sound out things so I can cope with them in my head. I'm not changing how I am and if someone reads about themself in here, well, sorry but I feel I have reason to write about you. That being said, here goes...

I've met a man online. He seems like a really nice guy. We talk quite a bit on the phone. I wonder though what we do have in common. His choice of reading material, music, diet, and lifestyle is so much different than my own. How do you hope to get along when you are that different? I know sometimes opposites attract but I have a few misgivings. I guess time will tell especially if we ever meet in person, right? Hard to believe I am letting anyone get close to me. Haven't done that in a long time.

I think I will just let things go for now and try not to overthink it all. Who knows? I sure don't...

Oh yea, did I mention??

The job placement agency called me today at 4:59 wanting to know if I could go for an interview TOMORROW morning. First off, I hate short notice stuff. I have to talk my boss into letting me off work to go. Second, the dentist office FINALLY called yesterday and had to schedule the kidlet's dental surgery on the FIRST day of school! If we didn't do it then, it would be several months before she'd go in again. I had to tell the placement agencies that I couldn't do it until after the 1st of Sept. She takes precedent over finding a new job at the moment. Anyway, we will see how it goes, right?

I dislike grocery shopping!!!

Nothing I dislike more than anything is going grocery shopping. Everything is going up in price except my paycheck. I brought home six of those little plastic bags this evening for a grand total of $86.07! I don't even feel like I really bought anything. I did buy some hamburger, tenderize round steaks, and some bacon. Kidlet has ICE CREAM once again to make her happy. Where's the nearest book store? I don't mind shopping there!!!

What color is your soul painted? Yellow Your soul is painted the color yellow, which embodies the characteristics of joy, happiness, optimism, idealism, gold, hope, liberalism, sociability, friendship, death, courage, intellect, confidence, communication, travel, movement, attraction, persuasion, and charm. Yellow is the color of the element Air, and symbolizes the sun, grain, and the power of thought. Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

Wanna see some cuties???

Top picture is Ryan he is almost 2 now!! Caleb is almost 3 months now!! : ) Cuties, eh?

Happenings..

I was suppose to call my niece this evening. I didn't.

I've been busy updating my resume and looking for local jobs online. I am taking the day off on Wednesday to go to Waco and search for a new job. My job is becoming too slow, too unsure about it's future, and I'm tired of everything in the world rising in price except my wage. I hate to leave this job because I really do like it. I pray I find one I like just as well.

Kidlet is doing good. Still staying close to Mommy and wanting me to come pick her up immediately after I get off work. As if I wouldn't..haha. School starts Aug. 27th and that is a relief to me. Reduced sitter time and money. Of course, sitter might not be too happy about it. : )

I'll keep things posted about my job hunt. I hate interviewing!!

Am I destined to lose my mind?

Sometimes I feel as if there is a time bomb that can go off in my head at any minute. My Mother was bipolar-maniac depressive, my niece is schizophrenic, and now, my little sister is losing what's left of her mind. How do you combat odds like that? I think they want me to go down to Caldwell and talk sense into my sister. She sits in my Mother's old house with no electricity all day long. If her so-called husband comes to get her, she heads right back down there. I'm sure she is talking to my dead Mother. I don't want the drama. I don't need the drama. Sighs.

I don't like surprises...

I really don't like them. If someone has a surprise for me, just do it. Don't tell me about it. I hate that. "Oh, I have a surprise for you". As if I don't know that usually means I'm either going to hate what they are going to do or it's really bad news. You ever get that feeling? Surprises are suppose to be just that, surprises! You do them out of the blue with no warning so that the person is totally surprised. You don't tell them ahead of time so they can wonder and worry about what is going to happen now. You just don't. Oh by the way, "I have a surprise for you"...

Things I dislike about myself..

1. My weight

2. My depressive states

3. Being single

Can you tell I'm moody?

CD/Radio players bought within a year: 60.00
Blank CDs to make new CDs: 20.00
Hugs and eternal love from kidlet: Priceless

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent - you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius, and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks, and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings, and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if have any past mental problems, you must be viligant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause you irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions, and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are you?
Take the Test to find out.

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Vacation is over....wahhhhhhhhhh!

I got the kidlet back yesterday. It officially ended my week of vacation. I managed to play Bingo four times and saw the Harry Potter movie. Oh, I also went out of town on the 7th and 8th. Yes! I did leave the house...yay me!. Kidlet is happy to be home too. First thing she did was turn on her music and her beloved Smallville. Why do vacations go by sooo fast? Back to work on Monday....sighs.

Catch up time...

I took the kidlet to Oklahoma (Lawton) on June 29th for TWO whole weeks! She is staying with a friend that has known her since birth. This is the first time she's been away from me for two weeks though. Usually, it's only a week. I can't go get her until I get paid again due to gas going up and back cost me darn near 80.00!!! I plan to enjoy my quiet time even if it kills me.

On a more down note, I'm depressed because I'm broke. I have no kidlet around. I can't go anywhere and do anything because I'm broke. I'm whining! Sue me!

The stupidity of some people never ceases to amaze me...

I was in a chat room today and there was a man in there that lives not too far from me. By far, I mean about 90 miles. Texas standards, that's next door. Anyway, I was talking to a few men in there that I am comfortable with flirting and chatting to and he starts getting this attitude toward me. I've never spoken more than a few words to him in the chat room and today was the first day I've said more than five to him. He was making an ass of himself really. I was talking to one guy and he started ragging him about how he was treating me. We were joking around. Same as we always do. My friend left and another came in. I started talking to him. Again, he started making references about my relationship with this new friend. I admit he was getting on my nerves. He then proceeded to email me and demand I open my IMs so he could talk to me. Now, no way in hell was I going to do battle in an IM with a guy I don't even know. No need for it. Fortunately I was already in an IM that I wanted to be in with a friend discussing music. I wrote him back and told him this. Told him, politely, another time perhaps. He then proceeded to make an ass of himself in the room making comments about my email. I just ignored him. He finally left. Is that crazy or what? I'm a likeable person but that was just too weird for me. He will never be on my buddy list. He's a nut!!! : )

I don't get it...

Why would a person read one email then delete the other? I sent too many emails? Strange. People wonder why I close myself off and don't communicate with others. That is why. I don't need the rejection. I don't want the rejection. Fuggetaboutit.

Tagged...

I've been tagged... first time for me too!! Thanks GreenJeans..
I don't know 7 people either...hahaha

Here's the rules:Each player starts with 7 random facts about themselves on their own Blog. People who are tagged need to blog 7 facts about themselves and post the rules as well. At the end of your blog list 7 people you are tagging. Let them know that they are tagged by leaving them a comment. So, here goes............

1. I am a dark chocolate fanatic. I always keep Dark Chocolate Kisses on hand!

2. I want to be married. I miss being married.

3. I want to win the lottery only I tend to forget to buy the tickets to do so.

4. I want to be a librarian so I can read at any time.

5. I wish to fit back into my size 8 jeans.

6. I wish I could write as well as some people do on their blogs.

7. I wish I knew more people to tag.

2DollarProductions...I am tagging you. I don't know who else to do. : )
SweetTea ...if you read this, you are elected also. Have fun!

I noticed...

It's been five days since I last posted something so figured I would write.

Things that are going on in my life:

1.) My boss goes to his new job on Monday. He doesn't actually start the new job till Tuesday so it's all up in the air as to how he will like it and if he will really quit at our workplace. (I'll keep you posted)

2.) I'm still waiting for the replacement AC Compressor to come in. I thought it would be here by today so that I could take truck to shop on Tuesday. Cross your fingers it comes in on Monday.

3.) I really hate summer. Why? Because I have to pay a sitter twice as much to watch the kidlet and that takes a chunk out of my paycheck. We don't need food, nope, not us.

4.) I don't like the fact that if my boss quits, I'll lose my vacation I was planning on having while kidlet was in Oklahoma. Not fair.

5.) I'm moody, can't you tell? : )

It's me!

I thought I would post a picture of me. I don't know how to do it under the profile thing so this is it. Don't laugh!! ; )

Happenings...

Let's see, what is first?

Kidlet is going to Oklahoma on June 30th to July 14th. Yay me! I'll be broke but I'll get a break for a bit.

I have my parts for my AC stuff on pickup. Waiting on a friend to send me money for the labor so I'll have AC this summer! It's horribly hot and humid out there already, I don't think I would make it this summer without AC in truck too.

I'm going to hide my credit cards and just pay cash for everything for the rest of the year. I really hate living paycheck to paycheck sometimes.

Job keeps laying people off and I think we may not be open by the end of the year. If we are, I would be very surprised. There are a few jobs in this town but not very many. Especially not jobs where I can work the hours I do now. Sighs.

Legs have been really hurting me lately.

The less I eat, the more I gain.

I am still alive! That's a good thing, right? : )

I copied this MeMe from another blogger friend. Hope he doesn't mind.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:50 am.

2. Diamonds or pearls? I don't wear any jewerly and if I do, it is pierced earrings. I prefer diamonds over pearls though.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? "Shrek III"

4. What is your favorite TV show? "Law and Order" (any of them)

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Weekdays - Toast at 6:30 am, Cereal at 10:00 am at work. Weekend - Toast and Ice Tea. Lots of Ice Tea.

6. What is your middle name? I hate this question. I don't like my middle name at all. It's a variation of the name Lucille only my Mother in all her wisdom named me Cile.

7.What food do you dislike? Veggies. Ha. Ha.

8. Favorite thing to cook? BBQ

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Don't really have one. I have a mix of songs I made myself that I listen to a lot. Two favorite songs are Dido-White Flag and Sarah Mclachlan-In the arms of an Angel.

10.What kind of car do you drive? Mazda B2200 pickup.

11. Favorite sandwich? Subs--preferably with turkey, lettuce, tomato, and pickles.

12. What characteristic do you despise? Lack of compassion.

13. Favorite item of clothing? We are suppose to wear clothes? : )

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Ireland or Wales.

15. What color is your bathroom? Cream

16. Favorite brand of clothing? Jeans..any that fit and make my ass look good.

17. Where would you retire to? Up on a mountain far away from people.

18. What was your most recent memorable birthday? It's been so long since I had a good one, I don't know.

19. Favorite sport to watch? Football

20. Farthest place you are sending this? No idea.

21. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? No idea.

22. Person you expect to get this back from first? No clue.

24. When is your birthday? April 26th, 1962.

25. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning --I love watching the sun come up. Once it goes down, I'm sleepy.

26. What is your shoe size? 9

27. Pets? No, does a kid count? : )

28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? Nothing new in my life.

29. What did you want to be when you were little? A social worker.

30. How are you today? It's Monday - it's not suppose to be good.

31. What is your favorite candy? Dark chocolate Kisses.

32. What is your favorite flower? Roses of any color.

33. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Thursday, June 7th. I am taking the day off work.

34. What church do you attend? None currently.

33. What is your full name? Need to know basis..if you don't know me, you don't need to know.

34. What are you listening to right now? TV--kidlet is watching something, I don't know what.

36. Do you wish on stars? Yes

37. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Yellow--seems like a happy color.

38. How is the weather right now? Pretty darn hot.

39. Last person you spoke to on the phone? A friend from Florida.

40. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No one sent it, I snitched it.

41. Favorite soft drink? Pepsi

42. Favorite restaurant? LaFeista and Red Lobster.

43. Hair color? Brown

44. Sibling? Two sisters but do I have to claim one of them?

45. Favorite month of the year? April

46. What was your favorite toy as a child? My fishing poles and books.

47. Summer or winter? Summer

48. Hugs or kisses? Kisses

49. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

50. Do you want your friends to email you back? Not applicable.

51. What is under your bed? Nothing. I hate clutter under a bed.

52. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Woman I've known for about 19 yrs.

53. What did you do last night? Watched TV and tried not to think of my hurting back.

54. Favorite smell? Cinnamon and chocolate--not necessarily in that order.

55. What are you afraid of? Huge furry spiders. I hate them.

56. Plain, buttered, or salted Popcorn? Buttered with the good stuff and little salt.

57. How many keys on your key ring? Five

58. How many years at your current job? 4 and a half.

59. Favorite day of the week? Friday

60. How many towns have you lived in? Umm, too many to count

61. Do you make friends easily? No.

62. How many people will you be sending this to? I won't, they'll have to find it here.

It's a sad sad day..

When you have to throw out your scale! It seems no matter how much I watch what I eat, how much I walk (as much as my knees will allow), I can't seem to LOSE a dang pound. I just got on the scale this evening, yes..a bad time to weigh oneself, and I discovered it read 190 lbs!!! I am disgusted with myself for weighing that much. I am 5'7" so at least it carries sort of well but it is beginning to bulge too much in my gut and thighs. I need a personal trainer, oodles of exercise machines, and liposuction? haha right. Oh yea, my back is so so better. I'm being careful about what I lift or don't lift at work right now. Thanks for the well wishes on that one!! : )

Take care of your back...

You never know when it might hurt!! I did something to my back today at work. I don't remember picking up anything out of the ordinary but it's been steadily hurting all day. I even left work at 4pm due to it. I've been laying on an ice pack and that relieves it for a bit but I hope it goes away by Monday. I hate getting old!!!

Strange thoughts and other things...

I've been having really strange thoughts lately. Thinking about my husband and Dad. Both are deceased. I don't know why now. Maybe because I'm getting lonely again? Thinking about what if's and should have been's. I miss my Dad so much sometimes. He would've loved this World Wide Web and the many things you can discover online. When he was alive, he owned a Commodore 64! He thought he was really moving up in the world when he went to an IBM. He never did get online. The availability to do so through AOL didn't really get going for the American public until after he died. At least not the unlimited hours plan anyway. There are so many things I wish I could share with him but I know I can't. I miss him.

As for my husband, I wish I knew where our life together would've taken us. We were married for only two years before he died. Just enough time to have a daughter but not enough time to really know what being married felt like for us both. He was ten years older than I and more settled in his life. I was his first marriage. I was 18 and he was 28. Amazing, isn't it? I think about him every time I have a birthday, knowing he would've been 55 to my 45 this year. I sometimes miss him and what we could've had together so much. Sighs.

I wish I knew what my future held for me. I want to be married again. I don't want to spend the rest of my years just being a Mother. I would like to be a lover, a friend, and a companion to someone. Who knows what God has in store for me? I sure don't. I truly don't.

Strangest dream...

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that my husband, who died, was somehow alive and wanting to move in with us. My kids kept switching from grown to toddlers every five minutes in the dream. I also dreamt that someone was after one of my kids who was suppose to be a lost royalty or wizard (I had a boy in the dream that was mine). Strange stuff, eh? I haven't really thought of my husband much in the past few years. Not that I'd ever forget him but just don't think about it unless Lauren says something about him. Of course, she came by yesterday, so that may have triggered that one. As for kids becoming toddlers...no, I do not want any more babies. I couldn't have any anyway. I want my kids (oldest two) to have them for me so I don't have to raise them. : ) Too many hidden meanings in dreams. Way too many.

Okay, so it's a three day weekend...

Big Deal! By Monday I'll be pulling my hair out from being cooped up in the house due to this blasted RAIN! Don't even get me started on gas prices. Who can travel if they want to due to high gas prices? Maybe, just maybe, if it stops raining and sun comes out...we might go to the Zoo. Maybe. Humidity will kill us then. Yea, yea, I'm whining...

Shrek!!

A must see for good laughs. I don't care if it's lame jokes or lame humor the way they do it just makes you laugh outloud. I especially like the part where the Ladies-in-waiting get TOUGH! I won't go into details, you need to just go see it!!! ; )

Revival..Praise Jesus!

Vicky and I went to a Pentacostal Revival today. My sitter invited us and I figured, why not? It wasn't too bad. Vicky, of course, wanted to go home 15 minutes after we got there. I talked her into staying for at least three hours. When they finally started the "preaching" and praying part, I think she was a tad bit scared. Several of the men started speaking in "tongues" and some of the kids were so wound up they were crying and praising Jesus. Not that there is anything wrong with that,maybe it's me (it's always me), but the "tongues" part made me uncomfortable. All in all though, it wasn't a bad day.

Tomorrow we are going to see Shrek III. Lauren has volunteered to go with us before she has to head to work. I'm looking forward to it. : )

President Bush and the noise level..

You can always tell when Mr. Bush is in town. We get fly by after fly by of JETS! I think they make huge circles over his ranch every few minutes and the roar of their engines can be extremenly loud. Fortunately, they do this during the day. At night, I think they go up higher as to not disturb the sleepers. Sometimes. Price you pay for living 11 miles from his ranch. : )

Love...it is so hard to find...

An online friend I've known for several years has finally found THE ONE. At least he hopes it is. I hope it is for him too. He called me yesterday in a panic though. Wanting to know if he was being too pushy too soon. I told him, in all my great wisdom, YES! He tends to be a bit impatient at times but fortunately he thinks I know all so he does listen to me. He followed my advice and now he is on the right track with her. I hope I don't lose his friendship due to this relationship. I voiced my concerns yesterday but he swears we will always be friends. I would miss him if he wasn't there for me to call and whine to or to just reach out to know someone was there for me. Either way, if our paths seperate in this life, I'll know he's happy and content. I couldn't ask for more for him. Truly. Now...where is my ONE? Ha!

Life on an even keel...

I'm amazed that so far this month life is going smoothly. No babysitter crisis. Kidlet isn't PMS'ing everyday. I'm not hurting as much in my knees. Think I am jinxing myself? Ha!

Much debate...

I had much debate about posting the previous entry. Mainly because I shared this site with the man in question. Then I decided to do it anyway. I won't hold back my feelings and concerns nor my way of voicing them out by writing them here. I will be me. Always.

Maybe I'm just slow...

I've talked a few times to a man from CA and maybe it's just me but I can't figure out what he wants. He's articulate, intelligent, seems nice enough, but he keeps stressing the point that he likes to read to women. Call me cautious or something but I get the feeling he'll eventually ask to call and read to me. There is nothing wrong with that really but it starting to make me feel overly cautious and uncomfortable. There are so many strange men online and it's hard to weed out the nuts from the truly sincere. Why can't some men just have a nice conversation without it being a sexual prelude? Maybe I'm getting the wrong idea. I don't know. It just bothers me. I know I can be touchy about anything sexual. My being celibate is my choice. I have my own issues to deal with on that subject but if I'm feeling uncomfortable, I'm not staying in a situation that makes me that way. It's a shame really because finding someone who is truly intelligent and a joy to talk to online is becoming a rare thing indeed.

I know I'm not the most exciting person around. I work. I raise my daughter. I live my life. That's it. I don't seek out men online. In fact, I won't IM them. I do talk to a few on a regular basis but we've talk about everything but sex. It's an online friendship. They listen when I need to rant, I listen when they need to rant. They ask about my day, I ask about theirs. I never feel uncomfortable talking to them. That list is very small though because it is so hard to find men such as these. Single men whom want nothing from you but your time. Maybe it's just me, as I said. Maybe.

I don't think I really like any holiday...

I'm depressed. Why? I have no clue..but I am. Tomorrow may be better...

Happy Mother's Day to all Moms!

Happy Mother's Day to me!!

Baby Pictures!!!

Sarah, Caleb, and Ryan (19 months old)

I'm a Grandma x 2 now...

Caleb James was born on May 2nd!!! I have no weight, times, or pics yet..but I'm gonna bug em till I do... hahahaha

I don't know what is wrong...

For the past few days I've been filled with anger toward my daughter, Vicky. I don't know why. I catch myself numerous times trying not to get angry at her for the many demands she makes throughout the day. Demands I normally do without any thought or emotion. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of worrying about keeping sitters, tending to her constant needs, and not being able to sleep in till at least 8am. I don't wanna be "MOM" anymore! Ha! Fat chance...

Happy Birthday to me!

Chat rooms and other such nonsense...

There is a chat room I frequent that has gotten way out of control. Yesterday, I was berated because I did not join in the fraying of a man who was found out to be a liar. He had told me something once also that has turned out to be a lie but in my maturity, I chose to just forget about him. Move on and try to make things pleasant. Three women in the chat room decided he needed a public flogging. Yes, they are right in pointing out to others this man is a liar and for other women to beware if they talk to him. They are wrong in expecting everyone to join in the fray. I am a peacemaker. Always have been, always will be. I don't like conflict. I grew up with enough of it in our house. I choose to live my adult life as uncomplicated, unstressful, and as quiet as possible. I don't think I should be berated because I don't join in the public arguing with monitors. I'm saying good-bye to that chat room. I feel either it has moved beyond why I went in there or I'm just getting way too old for schoolroom antics. Now if I can just get rid of my feelings of inadequacy because apparently I've disappointed a few people by not doing what they thought I should do. Sighs.

I must be wayyy stressed...

So far I've bitten four nails down on my fingers. The cause? I'm turning 45 next Thursday! It's getting me DOWN. How do you beat the "you are getting old" blues? Sighs

A rewrite...

Life as a dream...

Visions of purple and orange clouds flare brightly across the horizon from the last bright rays of the sun as it sinks slowly beyond sight. One by one stars come out into view. Brightly shining as they reflect the sun's light off their surfaces. Fireflies flit off and on across the field of flowers gently blowing in the wind. It seems an almost magical time. Breezes blowing softly upon your face as you lay in the field gazing up at the stars. Watching the lights from the fireflies flickering off and on and allowing your mind to wander. To dream. To envision. Look quickly, for there goes a falling star. Make a wish. Keep it close to your heart. And gently sigh, as it fades out of sight.

Religion..a sensitive subject...

I've been struggling off an on over the past year or so about which religion should be a part of my life. I do believe I am a Christian but I tend to balk at "organized" religion. It's amazing how episodes from childhood can mar and change any view you would have of such organized religion. I was raised a Jehovah Witness. Due to an event, I turned my back on that religion. Since then I've not really stepped foot in any church. I've never truly turned my back on God nor Jesus but I am not comfortable with the idea of going into a Church. What brings this up again? My sitter, who is Pentacostal, took my daughter to Church with her this past Sunday. Vicky loved it, as I knew she would, due to the singing and activities they have there. They wish me to go also. Do I go once, to be polite? Or just come right out and tell them, I do not like attending "organized" religion? Would it hurt me to just go once? I don't think so. Personally, since I've been battling this dilemna over a year, I think God is trying to show or tell me something by finding this sitter. Pentacostal though? I can't see myself wearing dresses. Sorry, it's just not happening. I don't think that's the message though. I think He is just trying to open the door. Question is, can I walk through it? : )

Sometimes, I wonder...

I was in a game room this evening and the chat was about an older man (60) whom was rejected by a woman in her 40's. Apparently, she honestly told him, he was too old for her. He was complaining about her rejection of him. Sixty years old may not be old to some women and it will be to others. How can he complain when she was honest with him? People rant and rave all over about all the liars and cheats they find online and yet, when they hear the truth, they don't want to hear it.

Personally, I quit looking. For younger, for older, for any man. No one is going to want a woman with a child such as mine. One whom I am not sure won't always be living with me. I can't go anywhere on the spur of the moment. My mentality is no longer that as a sex object but as only a MOM. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I am no longer here for me, I am here for her. Do I resent it? Sometimes. Then I say to myself, I'm not losing me. I'm gaining another version of me.

I just hope that most of these unhappy people online find their happiness. If they don't, learn to accept what is there and make the most of it or change it. It's up to us in the long run anyway, right?

Friday the 13th...

Should I be scared???

Did I mention???

We got SNOW Saturday? Not much but it was snow!!

You really have to love Texas...

Last Friday we had a tornado which basically means that the temps were in the 70 to 80 range. This weekend we have sleet! Yes! Sleet! Snow is in the panhandle and we may get a smidgen of that too. Don't blink though...it may change again!

It's all about the knees...

My knees have been really hurting lately. I don't know if I am developing arthritis in them or not but it's not easy walking on them. Of course, if I could only lose that "twenty" pounds, they'd probably feel better too...maybe.

I knew the weather was bad but...

Found out that the tornado that hit our town was only a MILE away from where I was at work. We knew it was windy, rainy, and hailing, but a TORNADO? (shivers)

Good news, I think...

The woman who is temporarily watching Vicky decided she wanted to do it all the time. She is still working so on days Vicky is off and we aren't, her mother or mother-in-law will fill in until she decides to quit (sometime in May). I hope this works out. I don't need the stress...

I'm in a mood....

TMNT!!!

Took Vicky to see the new Turtle movie yesterday. She was a bit scared on a few scenes but overall she liked it. When she is scared she covers her ears. Not the eyes. Strange child..haha. We also went to Wal-mart to get just ONE Barbie movie but walked out with two and some dumb work out video with someone named Sabrina on it. Mom is such a wuss. Oh well, it was her birthday stuff so it's all good. Her sister still needs to get her "Happy Feet" and "Eragon" and she better!! We went over to Lauren's yesterday and I snitched a few Disney movies to umm...errrr...(can't say what I do with them)...and have to take them back today. Expecting rain so praying it holds off. I have to return to Walmart to buy hangers for all the cast-off shirts Lauren gave Vicky yesterday. I say cast-off but some of them still had the blasted tags on them! This child shops wayyy too much!!! All in all, not a bad weekend. Oh yea, have a temporary sitter for Vicky. No one has called yet about the ad I ran in the paper though. The temporary sitter is thinking of quitting her job (works where I do but gets off at 3pm) and sitting full time for a few kids. She wants to stay home with hers and home school them. Hoping she does then she'll watch Vicky full time. Cross your fingers!!!

She's 19!

Miss Vicky turned 19 today. I counted several new gray hairs. What a life...

Decisions, decisions...

Vicky is number 15,462 on the waiting list for DSSW (Disability Services of the Southwest) for a "personal assistant". Real encouraging, isn't it? Apparently though, there is a loophole. I don't have all the information yet but I've been told I can put her in a nursing home for a "small" amount of time and that will bump her to the top of the list. I've heard from two sources it can be one night or up to two weeks. I have to wait till next week to talk to a woman who knows more about this situation. I HATE to even consider putting Vicky in a home but I'm at my wits end right now. Running out of sitters all the time is stressing me out so much. A shame I can't just get them to pay me to watch her instead of some stranger doing it. Pay me enough and I will stay home with her for good. Crazy world, isn't it?

I knew it was too good to be true...

Sighs. Sitter called last night. Apparently she is giving notice that her last day is March 30th. Oh, Vicky is just wonderful to sit for but she just can't do it. Cuts into her volunteer time and her family apparently wants her at their beck and call. Why do these people even bother to try? They KNOW they can't do it. Now I have to wait till next week to put notice in paper AGAIN and pray with all I have that someone will want to do it. I'm at a loss ...I truly am.

Life on an even keel...

So far life is going on an even keel lately. No major castrophes (not holding my breath). Went and got my you know what's smashed today for an annual checkup. I still think it's unfair that men don't get a certain body part smashed like we have to..there is no justice in that somehow. I'm gaining poundage somehow over the past couple of days. I'm hoping it's just water gain and nothing that will stick around longer than a few days. Kidlet has been behaving after going through an attitude problem last week. I think she was PMS'ing but not telling her that. : ) Now if I could just get rid of this stuffy nose from allergies, all would be fantastic. Our weather can't make up it's mind if we are going to freeze or burn up. I'm opting for a middle ground myself. Sounds nice, right?

You know it's bad...

When you post darn near the same thing twice !!!! I'm so repetitive. Nothing much going on here lately. Keeping busy. Kidlet turns 19 this month!!! ACK! I'm growing old....

It's official...

My AC compressor is dead in my pickup. I'm telling myself I can handle it this summer as I will only be going back and forth to work. Mechanic says will cost about 600.00 for new one and install. Right...let me just write that check. haha At least I did get a new AC unit for house this summer. Should say us a lot on electric bills. Maybe I'll save so much I can get the truck fixed, you think? : )

Been awhile...

Been a while since I posted last mainly because I've been trying to keep busy doing other things. Not online as much as I was in the past. Life is going on an even keel if you don't count the fact that I need to replace my AC compressor in my pickup by summertime or we will swelter here. Mechanic says about 600.00 and I only have 180.00 so far.. good start, isn't it? haha Oh well, some is better than none I guess. I have sweltered before in our summer heat, I could do it again. We will see.... : )

Happy Valentine's Day to me! Yada, yada, yada....

Some days I could just scream!!!

Some days I just want to scream so loud but then I think it will only make my head hurt so much more. Kidlet is getting on my nerves. Badly. If the world does not revolve around her, then she bugs me till I get so fed up I quit doing what I want to do. Right now, I'm just pissed.

Life keeps getting in the way..

I've been busy lately. Working OT on Saturdays for extra cash and fixing computers for friends. New sitter seems to be working out okay but daughter is convinced that Mom is supposed to stay home with her when she's not in school. I barely arrive at sitter's and she is up and out the door to car telling me to hurry up. I guess it's good she loves me but it makes me wonder what will happen in the future. Especially if I have to make a hard decision about her life...oh well, that's a worry for another day. Not today. Enjoy life....

Sitters, sitters ..everywhere...

Well, so far so good. The woman who has been watching her all week decided she was up for the job and will continue to watch her. We will see what happens come summertime though. I found a backup sitter also. Until she goes to school, that is. She is watching her for me tomorrow so I can work 6 hrs of OT and enjoy getting my paycheck. Hopefully I can work another 6 hrs OT next weekend also. 12 hours of OT is nothing to sneeze at, is it? It will buy us some groceries anyway. STILL no W2 form from this new company. I want my tax refund!!! I can't file until I have their blasted EIN number. Maybe we will get lucky and get it by the 31st. We better. Only takes two weeks to get it back when you e-file, but it's a LONG two weeks. : )

Where do my early mornings go to?

I awake everyday at 5:30. Why? Because I hate being rushed for work. I like to shower, do the usual beauty treatments (ha), and take my time over toast while I read my email or do other things. Lately though I seem to be running out of time! I think I'm moving slower. A sign of old age perhaps? Even with taking care of the kid, which I have down to an art form, I still don't seem to have enough time to relax in the mornings. I guess I will have to wake up at 4:30 in order to find time for me. ARGHHH...skip me time, I'd rather be sleeping....

Life choices...

It seems given the sitter situation that I'll be making a tough life decision in a few years. Vicky will be 21 and out of school then and I'll have to decide what needs to be done for her best interests. It's getting harder and harder every year to do this on my own. I worry the more I age that if something happens to me, what will become of her? As much as I hate to admit it, finding a place for her may be my only option. It will give her stability and an environment where she is cared for and greatly improve my peace of mind. It breaks my heart to try to make this decision...just breaks my heart.

Maybe a sitter...not holding my breath ...I might turn blue...

Still no sitter.....sighs

So much for new sitters..

I've tried three times today to contact the new sitter and three times I've either been told she wasn't home or was busy. I left messages for her to call me back and not a word have I heard. I was right in my instincts that she wasn't good for this job. It doesn't help that I have no one to watch my daughter so I can work. I have to take a personal day off tomorrow because no one is there to watch her. I did find an adult day care place in Waco and I'll be calling them tomorrow. I pray that this will be an answer to a prayer. I don't know what else to do if they can't help me. Living in my truck with her isn't an option. It's just not. Can you tell I'm a bit depressed about it all?

Is something wrong with me?

I sometimes wonder if something is truly wrong with me. For the past 7 years, give or take, I could care less if I ever am intimately involved with someone again. I have no urge to seek out someone for that special closeness most people seem to need. I am disheartened that most the men I talk to online find a way to bring it up in conversation..yes, that three letter word that just seems too much to deal with for me.. SEX. I know I can be passionate, caring, and inventive lover because I have been in the past. I just don't want to deal with it NOW. Hormonal maybe? Is it so wrong to want a guy to be enamored of my mind first, and then, be totally surprised I can be fantastic in other ways too? Why is it always SEX first? then they see if you can carry a conversation? Will I ever be ready to be with someone again? ever? sighs....

I think I found another one...

Talked to a woman on Friday and she will more than likely be babysitting for me. Only two people called in reply to my ad, sad eh? One was way too young and the other one, well, she has the job. We will see how it goes... I can't believe ONLY one good person called to babysit. What would've I done if she hadn't? I don't even want to go there.....

It's happening again....

I am losing another sitter. This one I found is moving out of town. This is so crazy. Going through three sitters in one school year sucks big time. I'll have to put another ad in the paper now and hope for the best. More stress..how wonderful!

You don't know me....

You don't know me until you've walked a lifetime in my shoes
You don't know me until you've take my stresses as your own
You don't know me until you've held my child in your arms
You don't know me until you've paid my bills
You don't know me until you've laid awake at night worrying
You don't know me until you've felt my heartache from lost loves
You don't know me until you've feel as alone as I feel

Destiny....

Let's see... I tried Match.com, Yahoo Personals, and now eHarmony. I think I'm doomed, doomed I say! There is NOT a single man out there that is willing to accept a child into their lives because she is handicapped. I think I am beyond caring now. A person can get rejected only so many times before they just become numb to it. The year 2007 is going to be the year that I finally accept I will be alone with my child for the rest of my life. It's not a bad thing, truly. Just a sad thing. We will survive!

I survived..

I survived the first day back to work. I'll be busy all week though so it's just one down and three to go. I thought I would have to be working late but fortunately I finished all that needed to be done TODAY. Tomorrow on the other day...starts it all over again : ) and boy, am I sore. Not working for a week isn't such a good idea!

Last thoughts for the 2006....

As 2006 came to a close I think back to see if I've learned anything of value. I've learned to be comfortable being alone. Even though I am alone raising my child does not mean I need to be unhappy. I've learned that GOD watches over those who need it and if he does not answer every prayer, losing faith shouldn't be an option. I've learned that I have the right to choose which conversations I want to partake in and should not feel guilty because I cannot be someone I am not. I've learned I am a strong person although at times I still need a shoulder to cry on, friends to listen, and to help at times. The year 2007 is wide open for anything. For suprises, good times, bad times, or just living. It is up to me how I greet it and to appreciate all it is or will be. Happy New Year to those reading this and may you be blessed with nothing more than you can handle or if life takes a troubled road for you this coming year, may you be blessed to be strong enough to handle it. Life calls it's own shots... greet it as you will.