Happy Freaking New Year!

I know, it's only New Year's Eve, but what the heck..celebrate! Maybe next year will be better..maybe.

I am my own worst enemy...

I cancelled my memberships for Match.com and Yahoo Personals. I was talking to a man from Yahoo Personals that lives near me and we had made arrangements to meet on the 6th but somehow in our conversation the day before yesterday, he was trying to invite himself over for NYE. First of all, no man that I haven't met in public yet is coming over to my house where I reside with a child alone. Second, I asked him what would we do. He said, "Have fun." Maybe I panicked, I don't know. My first thought of when he said, have fun, was that he wanted to wait till kid went to sleep and then we both jump in the bed. I mean, there really isn't anything more to do here than that. I'm not ready for that step. Especially with a man I don't know. I wrote him an email this morning politely telling him I didn't think it would work out. I get the idea he wants someone for a roll in the hay and not someone for life. Granted, sex is a major part of any relationship but you have to get to know each other first. I'm realizing more and more everyday that I'm scared. Scared to take that first step to let someone in my life. Scared of what demands they may make on me that I can't fulfill for them. The idea of anyone seeing me nude right now petrifies me to death. My body isn't pretty. It's not svelte or clear of fat deposits. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror let alone someone else looking at me in person. I realize men and women's perceptions are different when they look at another but I have to get over mine first, I think. I'm lonely but I like living alone. Strange combination, don't you think? For now, I'll keep the world at arm's length while I just try to make do with who I am. Life is way too complicated enough without adding more people into the equation. I was never any good at math anyway...

I'm in shock!

I just found out someone linked me on their Journal. How cool is that? thanks Kari!!

Survived Christmas...

Well Xmas is over, finally. We spent a quiet day at home and I do mean QUIET. My computer crashed on Christmas Eve so we made a mad dash to Best Buy to get a new hard drive. Drove 20 miles or so to get one, come home, find out it's the wrong type. Get in truck. Drive 20 miles back to Best Buy to exchange it for right kind. Finally get home and as I try to partion and format the drive, I forget the most important thing. You have to reboot completely after you partion!! Yea, yea, I know, dumb me. Took me three days of figuring with the dang thing to finally dawn on me, DOH! After that, it was a snap. Got the new 250GB hard drive installed with the OS. Moved files over from my second drive, reformatted that one. Then I got this brilliant idea. Let's reformat the old drive, if possible, and use it for the second drive. Now that I remembered HOW to do it, that was a snap. I now have 400GB of drive space on here between two fixed drives. How cool is that? I'm so proud of myself for fixing it by myself. FDISK and FORMAT are not two things a novice should ever mess it. Computer classes seemed to have paid off, eh? Happy Late Merry Christmas!

What is going on?

I wish I knew what was going on with my knees lately. They are SORE! Arthritis maybe? It's hard to walk when you creak all over the place. Fortunately I am off work next week so I plan on being super lazy. I deserve it. I need it. It's my non-party and I'm not crying! : )

Geesh...it took long enough..

I've been trying for days to log into this new Blogger. I don't like it. I may switch. Signing into Google is more hassle than it's worth!

On a better note, we got a free Ham today at work. Nice of the boss man, eh? I'm hoping to trade my ham for a turkey with a friend of mine. I'm not real big on hams. If I can't trade, we will eat it but we both prefer turkey. Not much going on here really. I am closing out my Match.com account. I signed up for Yahoo Personals for a month to see how that goes. I'm really conducting an experiment. I'm trying to see exactly how many men email me when they come across my no nonsense profile and too the point words. Actually, I don't believe they want honesty. They prefer their women to lie to them. The less they know, the better. OH well, such is life...

Life's twists and turns..

Things have been going okay for us lately. Not perfect, mind you, but okay. I think I did manage to scare off my only Match.com person but oh well, I consider it rude not to respond to someone's emails and I won't play that game anyway so one less thing to worry over for now. I expect to be super busy this week due to being shut down the week after next as our company closes for the holidays. I am hoping to be called in during that week though as it is overtime for me! I could use it right now. I've been on a book buying binge lately and I need to stop that. Read what I have and then wait. Nothing too much new out there I haven't ordered, I don't think. My local library is going to love me again. : ) Until next time...

Ah, grocery shopping..

There is nothing nicer than having a full pantry. I don't quite have a full freezer yet but at least it's a start. I get paranoid if my pantry gets to low or my freezer seems to have less than what I think it should. I worry that I can't feed my kidlet. I don't worry too much about me. I'll eat whatever but her, I worry about. Amazing that you can spend 200.00 at a store and not buy any meat. Staples, personals, and other such objects are getting so expensive. I can't complain though, I can't fit any more into my cabinets or my pantry. For now. : )

You just know things are bad when...

You manage to run off the ONLY man that contacts you via Match.com. I mean, he wanted honesty, right? I told him I wasn't looking for a 31 yr old but I wouldn't rule him out. We could chat, who knows, we might actually like each other. What happens? he disappears. Runs away. Hides. I don't get it. Men want honesty but when they hear it they get pissed off? And they claim we are screwy...sheesh.

It's official...

I quit. I quit looking for someone to be with in life. You give a person honesty and they don't like you for it. You have a kid that others don't want, they don't like you for it. I'll take my feelings, my heart, and my emotions and wrap them up and put them away. Forever. I quit.

Health insurance..to do it or not to do it...

I managed to finally get the cost on our new health insurance with the new company today. I have no clue if it's good or not. Let me know what you think. It will cost me 44.87 bi-weekly with an annual deductible of 2,000.00 per calendar year. I've been pricing plans for myself with other companies and so far everything with a 2,000.00 deductible is running me over the 90.00 a month I'll end up paying at work. Hmmm. Question is, how sick do I want to be? Any thoughts would be appreciated...

When the simplicities of life fail to bring you joy? What do you do?

The whole Match.com thing...

It's funny, this whole Match.com thing. Every profile from a man says they want to meet someone fun. Someone independant. Someone who can travel. Someone beautiful, thin, and sexy. I sincerely hope they find their "perfect" woman. Never mind those of us who are responsible, caring, sincere, have a few lbs but a good heart, prefer spending time doing family things instead of wandering off to the wild blue without the kids, and who doesn't expect perfection. I'm sorry guys but a majority of women out there have kids, have a few extra lbs, have worry lines and stress, don't know what fun is so much anymore due to worries, and just can't walk away from our responsibilities. I'm seriously beginning to believe there is no such thing as my "perfect" Match anywhere.

I wonder sometimes..

I sit and think sometimes..what did I do before the Internet? I read more, that I know. I actually got outside more. Other than that, I watched way too much television. Which is worse, I wonder? watching tv or being online?

I'm so going to regret this...

I decided to once again join Match.com. I'm going to regret it. They either wink at you..or just view the profile. This time I just put it up there plain. I have an 18 yr old mentally challenged child that isn't leaving my life. Take us or leave us. Maybe it's just me. I'm just too dang tired of the games. The hunt. The losers. Or maybe, I am just plain tired...

I just don't get it...

I don't know why she does it. I just don't understand her mind. Over and over again, I tell her, DO NOT bang on the radio or the DVD player. That does NOT fix it! Does she listen? NOOOOOOO Another DVD player has bit the dust. This time though, I'm trying to get her sister to get her a combo TV/DVD player. Then she can't beat on it. At least I hope her sister gets it for her for Xmas. If not, I'll have to do it somehow. Sighs...

A friend sent this and I love it...

IF A MAN WANTS YOU...
(WRITTEN BY A MAN)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behaviors.Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.He is a man, nothing more, nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Romantic movies...

I really need to stop watching romantic movies. Boy meets Girl. Girl falls in love. Boy after many mishaps realize he loves Girl. They get married. Live happily ever after. Pffft... why can't that happen to me?

A lot of thinking...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly because my IMs on AOL seem to be picking up. I get my fair share of idiots though. "What are you wearing?" and "What would you be wearing?" seems to be the current theme lately. I've decided to post what I am looking for in a man. It will probably be way too much to ask but here goes anyway. Besides the usual honesty, trust, humor, intelligence, blah blah blah... I need more. Here is my list for you to stand a chance:

1.) You must honor my independence. I'm not overly needy in the fact that I need to be saved from every crisis that comes my way. Offer your advice but don't be pissed off if I don't follow it. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a demand that I follow it and if it is, you don't need to be here.

2.) Realize that I have feelings too. Words have the ability to cut me to the quick. I realize people have fights but try to keep an eye on what you are fighting about when doing it. Don't throw in stuff that has no relevance to the fight at hand. Past mistakes are just that, past mistakes.

3.) Don't be surprised that I don't wear makeup (very rarely although I do own some, I think) and that I'm not comfortable in dresses. (I do own some, I think) I'm very down to earth and am more comfortable in a pair of jeans or sweats. I've lived that way for 44 yrs now and I seriously doubt I will become comfortable turning into someone I'm not now. I do know how to dress up, I prefer not to.

4.) Don't be surprised if I read at any time, any where. It's not a reflection on you. It's my way of destressing myself. Closing myself off from my surroundings so I can regroup. My alone time. I don't need to be entertained every second of every day. Better yet, if I need to read. Go watch sports, I won't mind.

5.) I don't like to go out except to dinner, movies, or to browse through book stores. I do occasionally like flea markets and antique shows. I'm not a social butterfly. I do better in small groups. I'm quite happy staying at home or going out with a few close friends. Large crowds and I do not get along very well. I tend to blend as far into the woodwork as I can get.

6.) I have secrets. I have a past. Don't expect me to share them all. If I do, do NOT ever throw them back into my face. I've lived for 44 yrs. I was not a NUN the whole time.

7.) I will say that I prefer intelligence. I cannot bring myself to be with someone who does not read, can't converse, or doesn't know the difference between able have a thought and parroting thoughts of others.

8.) Looks. They truly are not important if you've managed to impress me in other ways. No one is perfect. I am not. We all have our demons. We are too fat, skinny, short, tall, or just plain. Beautiful people scare me. I admire them but I worry there isnt much more there than that. IF that sounds bad, I'm sorry. It's just me.

9.) You have to love kids. Truly enjoy being around them. I have a mentally challenged child. She isn't going away. I'm not shipping her off to a home unless that becomes a must which I doubt. Her wants and needs always come before my own or anyone else's. IF you can't accept that, don't even bother me.

10.) Learn to live with a woman moods. I am peri-menapausal and I am dissatisfied with my body, self, and moods. I understand this. I accept it. It's part of the cycle of life and it will eventually right itself. This is mostly the reason I do live alone.

Most importantly, be yourself. I don't want someone perfect. I do need someone with a job. I have one, you have one too. I'm sure there are a dozen other things a person looks for in someone but these, I think, are the most important to me. Good luck! : )

Reviews...

I've been reading over my posts for the past year and I noticed a trend. I say I'm lonely a lot and yet, in the next post I say I don't want someone. I wish I could make up my mind. I think it's more that I am lonely at times but I'm too scared to let someone get close enough to end the loneliness. After you've been alone for a while you get settled into a routine. You get comfortable. Having someone step into your life and change all that is very daunting. Scary. It's not only me I have to think of too, it's my daughter. Do I let someone in our lives for her to love only have them walk away? or even worse, will she let someone get close to us? It's been her an I for almost six years now and she's used to it that way. Let's not even discuss intimacy. I can't imagine someone seeing me ...gasp..well, you know...I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm not a blimp but I'm not a svelte young chickie anymore either. It's confusing to me and I still don't know what I want. I do know if I let someone in our lives he has a hard job of convincing me it's going to worth it. A very hard job.

Questions..Questions...

I really don't like being asked what do I do for fun. I truly don't. I don't go out to bars, parties, have friends that come over, or spend money shopping. I read. I take care of my child. I sit out on my front porch, that I love, and contemplate life's mysteries and wonder how I ended up where I am. I take my kidlet to the park and laugh as she tries to teach herself how to swing. She can't quite get the whole legs go up and down part to make her move and seems surprised when it does finally work. I laugh when she sees a dandelion and thinks its a pretty flower that is made just for her to blow on and watching her surprise when they disappear and float away. I don't miss going out to bars. I do miss going out to eat without worrying if she will offend someone because she tells everyone hello and wants to talk to whomever catches her eye. I miss going to a movie without worrying if she's talk and laugh so loud at the screen because she enjoys it so much. I miss...nah, I don't really miss any of that. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You can never have enough laughter. How do I have fun? I be myself...quiet, appreciative, and thankful God chose me to raise a child such as her.

Thanksgiving is upon us once again..

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving day tomorrow. Plenty to eat, lots of time to nap, and family and friends close by to keep you company. If not, just come to my house...there's plenty since it's just the kidlet and I... Happy Thanksgiving !!!

It's cold here this morning!!

Okay, Texas is in the South. It should not be 34 degrees here but it is that cold. I love it!! Of course, I'll freeze in the warehouses but still it beats 110 plus degrees. Going to be a great day at work, weather permitting.

I've been thinking lately that I seem to have lost my sense of humor, my spark, my whatever you want to call it, in my writings. All I do is complain. Go on, admit it. You've been getting rather tired of it too, right? I've started an AOL Journal also so I'm going to see if I can find my humor and post it there. I'll try to be humorous here too but I have to have some place to vent, right? Enjoy the day!!

Melancholy Moods..

I think I figured it out. Why I've been so ..so..melancholy of late. I am needing a supreme adult conversation. On books, life, anything but Smallville, CDs, and "Mom, I need...". I am rarely starved for conversation with others usually due to the fact that a lot of people rarely are into books or philosophy anymore. The Internet has taken place of their entertainment and news. I was reading another blog the other day where Stephen King was mentioned (check link on the right) and it brought back memories of discussions I would have with other book lovers. I hear a lot of people these days say, "Oh, I never read fiction". I wonder why? What is wrong with using fiction to escape to a place only your mind can find? I think reading a book that makes you use your imagination to place yourself there works it so very well. You can read non-fiction but usually there is no tale, significant story line, or sometimes terror built in to make your mind try to imagine, "What's next?". I've read a few biographies in life and they are all the same. They hop, skip, and jump from one part of the person's life to another. No main line to keep me interested. Of course, I did read one book this weekend that I would normally never touch, "Culture Warrior". I recommend this book mainly because it will make you think. O'Reilly has managed to "awaken" a part of my mind that I usually keep closed off. Politics. I rarely think about politics. I figure this world is going to move on in any direction it wants to no matter what I choose to do. His take on secular-progressive vs tradionalists makes for an eye-opening interesting read. I won't go into long details about it, get the book. I don't think you will regret it.

Mail call..

I just went out to check my snail mail. How exciting! Another advertisement to throw in the trash can. I guess I should count myself lucky that I don't get bill after bill, meaningless letter after letter, and too much junk. I even sometimes forget to check the thing..amazing, isn't it?

Beta Blogs..

I made the transition to the Google blog and I guess we will see how it goes. I can see it now, losing everything I've written in the past year but then again, it's not all that important anyway. Just ramblings...

The holidays are once again upon us and at this time of year I always get down. I don't mind being alone, not really, but sometimes, I do get lonely. I wonder where my life is going to go and if I will like the path it does take down the road. I look at my weight that I can't seem to shake off and just hate the fact that my body is no longer as supple as a twenty-year old. Who wants a woman with stretch marks, cellulite, and wide-ass hips? I'm tired this evening. Kidlet decided it was time to get up at 3am this morning and when I'm tired, I'm whiny. Something in the air today is tearing my sinuses up and that is also making me very miserable. I wish this weather would make up it's mind. Cold one day and somewhat warm the next. I can't afford to get sick so I'm convincing myself it's just sinuses and will go away SOON. All I really want to know is answer to that age old question... "Are we having fun yet?"

Time flies so fast...

It's been almost a year now since I told someone goodbye and ended a friendship. I still miss them. I wonder how they are doing and if they ever think of me. I know it's counter-productive to do so but I can't help it. I tend to care too much about people. I know it's my emotions being over-run today due to hormones but it still hurts. Losses. Sometimes I love my life. No one to answer to, pick up after (cept the kid), make compromises for, and worry about them. Then again, I miss someone around to cry on their shoulder, hold me when I feel lonely, help with the kid, and to love me. Trade offs, are they really worth it?

Rats..rats...and double rats...

(Men avoid this one)

I was so hoping I could just slip into menapause without any problems, worries, or whatnots. No such luck. After 161 days without a you know what, I started today. So far it's not too bad. I was imagining all sorts of dire cramping, flooding, and major aches. I do have this headache or tense neck muscle but I'm not sure how much of that is due to tension or my job. I'm a tad moody this week so have been avoiding AOL like the plague. I've no patience for idiots when I get this way.

Kidlet is doing okay. Slight cold but meds are making that one go away.

I keep meaning to call my Aunt and see how she is doing but I keep putting it off. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still down about my Uncle or if I just don't want to talk to anyone at all right now. I will force myself to call her soon though. I should do it because I do really love this Aunt better than any other one I have in the family.

Not much going on other than that this week. Work is keeping me hopping as usual. Until next time...

It's not been a good week...

Sunday, the 29th, my Uncle passed away. Thus began the start of "the not good week". I found out about my Uncle on Wednesday. Why didn't my relatives have my phone number? They called an Aunt of mine who proceeded to call me at work. I immediately thought, oh no, something happened to that side of the family. No, I was wrong. Something happened on the other side of the family. The good side. The best guy. The sweetest man on this earth who would get up in the middle of the night to help anyone. He was a preacher, a family man, a car salesman (I know, ironic, isn't it?), a fisherman, and most of all, the husband of 54 years to my Aunt. Can you imagine being married for 54 years? I can't even imagine having a relationship anymore that would last a month. Needless to say, I had to make a rush trip to Oklahoma on Wednesday. They were able to get in touch with me just in time for me to attend the funeral on Thursday. I keep kicking myself because I've been wanting to go up there all last month. Next time, I'll listen to myself. A word of advice though: NEVER EVER hit Fort Worth at 5pm on a weekday. It took me an hour and a half to drive through it. Fortunately there were no major accidents in which to slow me down even more. I arrived back home on Thursday night at 8pm. Totally exhausted, emotionally and physically. A small price to pay to say my goodbyes to this man, my Uncle. Sighs.

Sad but happy...

I'm a tad sad. My Grandson, Ryan, is a year old today. I can't make his party but what I am sad about is that I didn't even get an invite. True, I forfeit any rights in their lives due to her not being my daughter except by blood, but it would've been nice to at least get the invite. I'm truly happy that her and I finally crossed paths in life (I gave her up for adoption when I was 16) and what little bit she does allow me in is great but....okay, I want to whine about it. She does talk to her sister a bit more and for that I am grateful also. Her sister has known about her since she was little and always wanted to meet her. I guess I could just say something to her. Be open about how I've been feeling. Not today though..today is his day. I'll just call and wish him Happy Birthday. Least I can do.

I'm restless...

I'm so restless lately. I don't know if it's the weather finally changing and becoming bearable or if it's only me. Work has slowed down (for now) and that isn't too bad although I don't handle having nothing to do too well. Pickup has been causing a few problems but hopefully mechanic has that fixed. Got to buy groceries today so we don't starve for the next few weeks. Kidlet seems happy lately or at least, she's not asserting herself in non-positive ways. Maybe I'm just lonely... for something.....I don't know what.

I've been busy..with stuff.

I've been busy updating my resume lately. I figure it couldn't hurt. I had one once in the format of a web site but I can't find the disks I stored it on. I've been looking over my education and my work history and I can't say I've had any regrets. Oh okay, one maybe. Instead of working on an Accounting and General Business (Assoc's) degrees, I wish I had went with my other love, Database Management. I've managed to accumulate over 100 hrs of education and am still not doing what I love best. Messing with computers. The classes I need are only offered in the daytime at our local community college and I don't want to take out another school loan to survive while continuing that part of my degree. I've managed to pay off what little bit of a loan I did have and I'm not too much in debt at the moment and want to keep it that way. I could do it via Internet, I suppose, but I'm the type of person that needs to see and hear something for it to sink in. I know my strengths and weaknesses and doing it via Internet would not work for me. So, I am just updating my resume just in case things don't work out with this new company. Can't hurt, right? I miss school though. I love learning things. Just too hard to go to school, work, and raise this kid on my own. Sighs.

It's official...

I now work for another company! Personally I can't tell a bit of difference. I'm still doing the same amount of work and then some everyday. I looked for a little close to 60 records today. Does the new company affect my work...not one dang bit!!! : )

News today and more...

I had some news this morning at work that will affect me ...or not. Seems our company has been trying to talk another company into buying them. This company does the same thing we do only on a larger scale. Supposedly, all will be keeping their jobs but as with all things..once the paperwork is signed, they can do as they wish with us. I'm the only one that does what I do at work so I am hoping my job will still be of some value to them. A key good point though about all this is the new company offers HEALTH INSURANCE! It will be a dream job if I can get that and keep the job also. I love the fact that it's daytime work, off weekends, and I am off most of my daughter's school holidays. What more could a Mother ask for??? Besides another raise?

What is going on in this world??

People shooting kids????? I just read about the Amish school shooting and it's sooo sad to even hear of someone shooting a child. No where is safe anymore. Which is better? Home-schooling or dropping your child off at school where they have a chance to be shot by some disgruntled student or adult who just can't seem to get a grip on life. I know life can be hard, lord don't I know it, but I can't see what is in these people where another's life has no value to them at all. Especially a child's life. It's just sooo sad....

Not much going on lately...

Life is sort of serene. That's almost scary. Babysitter seems to be working out. Job is slowing down a tad but not as much as I wish it to. Weather has been great. I did finally call Planned Parenthood to find out how much it cost to see if you are in menapause. As always, it's more than I have right now so that is on hold. After three months of not having the unblessed curse I think I could get used to this. Of course, if something else is causing it, I'm not sure I really want to know. Kidlet has been having attitudes lately. I think she is the one PMS'ing. Asserting her independence is a good thing but not when she does it verbally and is rude. We are working on that part. That's about it for my life. Daughter should get back from the Bahamas tomorrow. She didn't take poor old Mom!! WAhhhhhhh

I got some news today!!!

I'm going to be a Grandma again in May!! My daughter and Grandson came to town and surprised me with a visit today. He's getting sooo big. Will be a year old next month already..sighs. Do I feel older now or what?

Mom is a wuss...

I broke down. I caved in. I bought the dang radio/CD player. It was either that or she was trying to resort to using my computer as a radio. That wasn't going to happen. No way. No how. Not ever. I did try to set her down once again and state, "If the CD's mess up. Push the stop button and come get MOM!". I don't think it will work. Want to take bets on how long this radio will last? : )

This shouldn't be allowed to happen..

It shouldn't happen but it does. I go to sleep and four to five hours later I wake up. Toss and turn. Say to heck with it and get up. Of course if I took something to help me sleep, then I might get another four hours. I don't want to become dependent on something to help me sleep. I'm still in pain these days from my back and neck. Dang stress! New sitter seems to be working out okay. We will see how she handles Vicky on her bad days. She's been arguing about getting a new CD player these past few days. Thinks I have money growing on trees so I can just take her to the store and get one. Ha! It may only be 20.00 but that 20.00 has to pay house bills first before she can be happy with a new one. Besides the "old new" one only lasted two weeks!!! Mom is trying to stand firm on this one. I don't think she's learning anything though. Except how to make her Mother more nuts....

It's been a stress filled week...

Did you know that stress can cause headaches, backaches, and shoulder pain (the kind that makes knots there) when you don't externalize all your worries? I've been fretting too much about finding a sitter and, cross your fingers, I hope I found a good one this time. She will start there Monday. This family has worked with special needs children before so her behaviour or abilities (lack thereof) will not come as a surprise to them. I so wish I could just afford to stay home with her when she is out of school but alas, Mom must earn enough for us to get by in life. Oops, brb, she wants a hug. Boy that kid is strong. She doesn't realize that a hug does not mean to strangle MOM. Ah, she needs more than a hug... later...

Sometimes I have bad thoughts...sighs

I was watching a movie this evening called, "The Other Daughter". It is about a mentally challenged girl who makes a stand to move into her own apartment, have a boyfriend, and eventually marry him. The movie makes it seem too easy, I think, or maybe things are just too hard here sometimes. I think to myself what I would do if I didn't have to raise my daughter. Would I live the quiet life I do now? or would I be a party girl out hanging at the bars every night trying to fill that void? It's hard raising her by myself. All the worries, trials, and events we go through. Some days she really gets on my nerves but it's not her fault and I try not to let it show so much. She gets fixated on things and when she does, she constantly repeats it until something else will grab her attention and detract from it. Until then, I am constantly answering the same questions over and over again. What would it be like to sleep in till 11am on weekends if she weren't around? What would it be like to not have to pick up after someone 12 out of 24 hrs a day? What would it be like to not have to worry about finding adequate care so I can work a full time job to support us? What would it be like? A boring, uneventful, and unmeaningless life. At least this way, I have meaning to my life. Things are never truly boring. I can sleep later when I am dead. I think I rather hear her laughter, see her dance, and worry when she walks into the walls because she can't see them. Yep, I'm a mother all right.

Never lean over your kid while washing her hair...

I was rinsing my daughter's hair last night and she went to come up and boy, did she ever! The back of her head whacked me so hard on my chin that my teeth slammed together. Fortunately, I didn't bite my tongue but I now have a bruise on the bottom of my chin and my jaw has been aching since. She keeps telling me she is sorry and I know it was an accident but it still hurts!!! She felt so bad that Mom bought her the new movie, Brother Bear 2, at Walmart today. I couldn't really afford it but I hate to tell her no because we don't have much to begin with. I can do without a few things for another week if it makes her happy. She's glued to the TV right now watching it. I think I'll go watch it with her...later !!!

I hate life's curve balls...

I picked up my daughter today from sitter only to be told tomorrow is the last day they will watch her. ONE DAY NOTICE! Isn't that just freaking great??? Apparently her child is having surgery and I am sorry about that but you can't tell me she didn't know before TODAY! She knows I rely on a sitter to work. Some people have no class at all. Sighs.

Steve Irwin is dead...

Long live all the dangerous creatures of the world! Oh okay, I'm not happy he died. That man drove me crazy when I would come across his show. I would have to quickly change the channel as to not scream at him, "You idiot! They are going to kill you!". Sure, he taught everyone valuable lessons about wild critters, but he was a certifiied nut in doing it. I guess though he died doing what he loved best. Being around a dangerous creature. Stingrays may look all lanquid and serene in the ocean as they glide through with ease but they still are "wild creatures" and he took a chance. This time it killed him. I mourn for his family and his children who now will have no father and have to watch his reruns only to think, "My Dad was really an idiot". A cute idiot though but still an idiot. I guess someone had to do his job in life. Good thing it was him, not I. God Bless his family in the coming days ahead...even years. I know how hard it is to lose a father to your kid(s). Believe me, I know. :(

Today's Quote...

To err is human; to refrain from laughing, humane.-Lane Olinghouse

This one made me laugh. So very very true.

The results are in!!!

I looked for, sent, faxed, couldn't find, UPS'd, or found on rolls a total of 967 records for August. I thought I would never pass my January count of 950 ever again but I did!!! No wonder I feel tired. Thankfully it's a three day weekend and I can relax, sort of. I'm on call all weekend. Kidlet has a sinus infection so we got meds for that today. I hated to take her because she missed their big Pep Rally at school but she really needs to get that nose thing cleared up. Her cough is finally gone though except for little bit due to drainage. I hate when she's sick. She is irritable and hard to please. Wait! That sounds like me when I'm sick... think she might really be mine???? : )

Final count ALMOST done...

I am trying to play catch up on paperwork. My count so far is 790 record requests for Aug..and I'm not done yet with it!!!!

Oops, I did it again...

Okay, I broke down and once again rejoined the land of OZ, yes Oz, otherwise known as AOL! I don't know what came over me. Perhaps with winter coming sometime soon, I hope, I feel the call of lonely cold nights where I need more to entertain me than a gaming site. I will stick to my guns this time though and not be on so much as I used to be before I left it in June. I will be more cautious about those I chat with in IMs and not believe a word that anyone tells me (men) unless they can back it up with tangible proof. Maybe I just need some way to relax from my HOT working days in sauna-like conditions. The hospitals I do searches for are trying to kill me, I swear they are truly trying. I spent Monday and Tuesday of this week looking for 100 (already filmed records, mind you) to send out on this coming Tuesday's run. Four hours, eight boxes, and soaking myself with sweat later, I found them all. Yesterday, Friday, I recieved an order for 27 records for another hospital. Now, yet another hospital, informs me that I will be sent a request for about 60 records on Monday. My record so far for finding things is 950 done this past January. So far I am up to 579 just for August. Think I will pass my record?? Not if it kills me first....

Today is not a good day....sighs

I got four hours of sleep last night. If that much. My daughter is being demanding this morning. I am feeling angry. Very angry. Tired...so so tired. Tired of always catering to her because she can't do some things for herself. Tired of always hearing, "Mom" every five minutes. It's just the day, it will pass but for now...I just want to cry.

Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.-Unknown

What? me worry? NEVER
If I inherited anything at all from my Mother, it is my ability to worry a situation to death. I am trying though as I grow older to learn that unless I can change something, worrying over it is useless. Panicking, now, that is a whole other story....

I saw a quote this morning....

Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.-Lou Holtz

I often think, wonder, and dream of which direction my life would go if things had been different or if I let myself be different. A friend emailed me something the other day and it was one of those chain letter things that said, "How to say I love you to a friend". He told me to pass it on to my many friends. I had to write him back and say, "could I just send it back to you?" Too often I find myself in spots like that. I have to admit that my "friends" circle is rather small. I have, maybe, five friends online that I would really call friends. In life, I have work acquaintances. Perhaps I could call them friends too, I guess. I think if I had my life to do over again, I would be more outgoing. More brave. Less of a loner. Problem is, I'm not unhappy being alone. I get lonely sometimes but I'm not unhappy being with just me. On days like today, when my head starts to ache, I'm feeling weepy, and I'm fighting the urge to sign back onto AOL just to look around again..I have to tell myself, "it will pass". This urge to be something I'm not. Someone I'm not. Unless I respond to the urge and see what happens....

It's Me..

I'm still here. It's been so hot and torturous in the warehouses this past week that I come home, shower, and fall out on the bed. I find myself moving only under duress. I'm getting too spoiled. I like air conditioning! Nothing new to report except kidlet has a cough. Doctor says he "thinks" it's due to allergies but did take a chest x-ray of her. She also had blood taken for a thyroid test because she's lost about 40 lbs within this past year with no changes happening in her lifestyle. I wish MOM could do that! Hopefully the results will come back okay and we can chalk it up to her losing her babyfat. She is 18 now and should've thinned out some. She'll always have that gut, it's part of what she has, but her legs and arms are much thinner now. I'm proud of my 7 lb loss. I only have ...ummm... 30 more lbs to go.

I've been reading the news...

Yesterday it was Turkeys down all over the road, today penquins??? What is going on around our Texas roads??? I know some of our roads are, how shall we put it, less than desirable? but to slaughter poor Turkeys and then hapless helpless penquins? Wait! What in the heck are penquins doing coming to Texas anyway??? Don't they know its 100 + degrees out there right now. Oh wait, they get the AC when many people can't afford it around our state. I forgot...my bad.

I've refrained but it's time...

I've purposely not stated anything in here about the whole Mel Gibson fiasco but everywhere you go, you read or hear people yapping about it. The media isn't helping, really. True he should not have said anything about Jews. True, he APOLOGIZED. Are we such a nation that we don't have forgiveness anymore? Do we just drain out every bit of someone's mistake and make it tenfold because we are happy to see someone of such stature fall? Personally, I think he should be forgiven. If it makes the Jewish community happy, reach out to him and teach him some of your beliefs. The reasons why it's important to fight for your beliefs. There is no more tolerance in this world. People are quick to anger and just as quick to NOT forget. I think that's one of the good points of my mind slowly going at times. I forget things. I forget what I'm mad about. I know I'm mad but it's hard to stay that way if you don't remember how you got there in the first place. Learning to let go and accepting that people are not perfect is one way to put an end to anger. How many times have you said something that you wished you had not????

I've been thinking about what I wrote earlier and I may have not been clear on some things. I have friends with whom I don't mind hearing about their troubles. I consider it a privilege that they trust me enough to talk to me and I want to listen. I just don't want to listen to this guy. I think perhaps because he reminds me of how much I used to be. Ms. Passive Aggresive. IF someone didn't have time to chat or want to be around me, I automatically assume it was ME, my fault, because they didn't care to be around me right then. Now, after much reprogramming, I think to myself, "Okay, they are busy. I'll catch them later." It's taken me a long time to quit feeling so guilty or saying "I'm sorry" all the time to people. This guy does that. Everything starts with, "I'm sorry, but..." and that makes you feel guilty. Guilty because if you don't listen you'll hurt their feelings. Guilty because YOU don't want to listen and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Not everyone will get along with everyone. Fact of life. So to my friends out there that read this, I WANT you to keep telling me your troubles! Makes me forget my own. Besides, how many times have you listened to ME?

Am I just cruel or what???

That guy called again. Sighs. After I especially told him to NEVER call me again. He just wants me to listen to his problems. He needs just a friend. Maybe it's mean of me but I feel if I do call him back, he'll see it as encouragement and keep on calling afterwards. I can't handle some else's problems and stresses. I have more than enough of my own in life. One thing I know about myself is to limit my stress as much as possible. My job, caring for my daughter, worrying over bills, and just day to day living is all the stress I can handle. Perhaps I'm cruel but I can't worry about someone else's truck breaking down, their not being able to pay rent, or whatever else it may be. I just can't. My heart would break because I could not help them financially or give them what they deserve, someone who really can listen without it bothering them. I can't do that. I have too much empathy for others so I have to limit myself. There are days when I feel like I'm sinking on the threshold of some bottomless pit and just ONE more thing will topple me over. I don't need it. I don't want it. I can't do it. I'm so heartless...sighs.

Men, you may want to skip this one...

Okay, I haven't mentioned this in a while and it's beginning to bug me. I am 50+ days late on that dreaded thing women go through every month and although I should be jumping for Joy, I am really starting to worry. I know this is normal as I am peri-menapausal but what happens on the day I do start? Tremendous cramps, overly flow, and worst headache of the year? Men have it so lucky. Their bodies don't betray them with hormones going wacky, thunder thighs and hips, and they have that ability to look in a mirror and see Mr. Universe when all we see is Daisy Duck on drugs. I'm not sure lately if it's the heat or not that's been giving me headaches and making me feel as if I could kill someone on some days. Granted, the death wishes haven't been too bad yet for anyone but it could happen! I tried to explain this to a guy recently that I don't want a man in my life right now. If I can barely stand myself, how can I expect anyone else to stand me. I do all right on long distance relationships (online) but if you are too close to me, expect too much of me, and get in my face at just the wrong moment, then you are history. Some days it takes all I have NOT to kill daughter and I'm expected not to kill anyone else? (just a joke there folks) Let's just say any patience I have at this moment is concentrated on my daughter because I am very low on it due to this hormonal wreak I could be if I let myself. Now where are my dang Excedrins??

I think I figured it out...

I know what is wrong with me. I just don't care anymore. The part that used to be willing to open up enough to have a relationship is just gone or in hiding. I have friends I care about but when it comes to intimacy, I just don't care. It's a chore. A bother. It causes me undo stress and I don't need it. Think I'm lying to myself?

I wonder what's wrong with me...sighs..

There is a guy in my town that I used to chat with when I worked nights in a store. He was nice enough to chat with and fill the time but I never gave him any encouragement or lead him to think I wanted more. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 11 years and was in no mood to gain another boyfriend. I made the mistake a month or so ago of finally giving him my phone number. It went from occasionally chatting to him calling me about every day. Where I should have been flattered about the attention, all I could think about was dread..it was him calling AGAIN. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone from now on. I like coming and going when I want. I like not answering to anyone (except the kidlets). I get lonely sometimes but I like my privacy in my own home more. Sounds a little funny, doesn't it? Privacy? On here I'm just someone who no one knows that can read my insignificant writings and wonder perhaps, who is she? They will never really know me in person. I'm safe. I'm alone. I'm giving myself a headache stressing over this mess. Back to TV...it's just another day in the life of me.

Still here and still alive...

I'm still alive although the worthiness of that is debateable given the heat lately. Nothing like working in a warehouse with no air, 110 heat index, and sweating as if it's a sauna. I've been trying to do my work (fetching records) in the early part of the day and paperwork in the afternoon. Trying, being the key word here. So far the record part is working out okay but as for paperwork, I'm a tad behind, again. I'll try once more tomorrow to play catch-up. As for the home front, we are still surviving. Eliminating some expenses. Trying to figure out how to keep electric down with this heat being so bad. I have three window units and I hate to run all three all day and night. Trying to exist on two with fans blowing. We will see come electric bill time. Kidlet is doing good. She never realizes otherwise though. Good thing, eh? : )

I've been doing some decision making and decided to cancel my life insurance policy. It will save me about 100.00 a month and I figure if I croak, my kid can just cremate me and do it as cheaply as possible. She already knows I do NOT want tons of money spent on me upon my death. I will be dead. I won't care. Funerals are not for the dead anyway, they are for the living to send the dead off with a good-bye. Cremate me, memorialize me, then forget me. My youngest will always have some kind of help due to her condition so I don't have to worry too much there. My main goal at the moment is to survive NOW. My frig I had to get a few months ago will be paid off soon and that will help also. We just have to hang in there for a few more months. Now to just get rid of this migraine and today might be looking better. : )

It's so hard sometimes, doing this on my own. I try so hard to make a life for me and my daughter and yet, some days I just don't think we will make it. She has no clue that Mom is broke this week. Bills are paid but where our next meal will come from, I don't know. I guess I shouldn't say that. I have some food. She will eat. I will eat less. For the next few weeks, we will make do with what we have in the cupboard and freezer. It's funny though. I don't qualify for food stamps because I make 10.00 too much a month. Ten dollars. Of course, I could cancel my Internet. My cable. That's my last resort. Can you tell I'm kind of depressed about all this? sighs...

I just don't know what to do...

Moving has hurt my ability to pay bills. It's not that I can't pay them, it just takes everything I have to do so. I have two electric bills this month for some reason. Sometimes I just want to give up. I guess now is a good of a time as any to diet, eh? I'll make sure the kid eats though. Me, it doesn't matter. Not a good day today....

Ever feel???

As if you've been run over by a truck? My first week back from vacation and my body is protesting the outrage! Between heat, humidity, and muscle strains, I have very very sore and tired. Two more days to go, two more days to go..my mantra. : )

IT's back!!!

Got the kidlet from Oklahoma yesterday. My daughter wussed out on me in going so I had to make the drive up there alone. I did make her pay for the gas though. Least she could do since she PROMISED she would go. Kidlet is excited about her room. So excited, she got up at 2 am this morning wanted to play her music. I convinced her to go back to bed but she did get up every hour on the hour after that. I finally gave up at 5 am and said, go ahead, get up. Going to be a LONG LONG day now. Oh well, she'll settle down...sooner or later. : )

I did it and I survived!!

It's done! I'm all moved, settling in, and finally got my cable reconnected today. I still have a few boxes to unpack but can't do that until I have containers to put them in. I bought some plastic drawers from Wally World today to put all my sheets in and it doesn't look too bad. I will buy some more of them for the rest of my odds and ends. I feel so much more at ease here. No need to worry if the washer will back up (bad drains) or if the heater will explode come winter time. This house stays much cooler than my other place did so that will help on electric bills. The child is still in Oklahoma until Sunday. Her sister and I will go and pick her up then. She knows Momma is moving but I think she believes I'm moving without her. She'll be so glad to see me, I know. I can't wait to see her expressions when she sees her new room and, of course, can watch her beloved Smallville DVDs again. Mean old Mom wouldn't let her take them to Oklahoma. It's nice having a porch to sit on, nice trees for shade, and a place that may actually feel like a home. The worst of it is that my vacation is almost over!!! It didn't feel like much of a vacation. I plan to try to sleep in past 6:30 tomorrow morning if at all possible. One last day of peace and relaxation then back to worries and tribulations of being a MOM. : )

It's bad enough...

That moving day is just around the corner but for the new tenants to show up at your door asking when you are moving out...ACK! Excuse me people but I do work!! I can't budge a thing until Saturday and I didn't even get the keys for the new place till today!!! I did have some small measure of joy in telling them that the appliances go with me since I bought them. Wait till they find out the smaller AC units are mine too. I can't help it they want in so badly that they already transferred their electric to here and my electric company closed my account without even notifying me. There should be a law against that happening. They should call and tell you, "Hey, did you know someone wanted to transfer the electric"? At least give you warning that they were tampering with your utilities. I now had to do a mad dash to get my electric transferred, gas moved, and tomorrow try to get my water done while I have to work and go to Oklahoma. It will all work out eventually, I am sure. I am just a major STRESSER when it comes to things like this happening. I can't wait to be moved though. The new place looks ten times better than this place. New paint on the walls and new carpet. Kitchen needs some help but it will do. I have a week to decorate things how I want them. Yippee!!!!

Four days and counting..

Till moving day! I can't wait and yet, I can. Nothing worse than moving but having the thrill of someplace new to set up, enjoy, and discover has me filled with JOY. Wish me luck!!!

A day like today..

It's quiet..too quiet. I'm finding myself fighting the urge to reinstate AOL. Not because I miss the chats but because I miss finding someone new to chat with and yet, in the same breath, I want to be left alone. Moodiness be damned!

Artists and their work...

I wonder at times how much of themselves are truly seen in every artist's work that they do. An online friend is a sculptor and I visit his web site from time to time to view his work. Trying to see how much of himself he put into it or if it's just a rendition of his reflections of his world. It's not always easy to see the hidden parts of what other's do in their lives. Subtle meanings are there, I am sure, but to view his electic work is both daunting and a joy. Daunting because I don't always understand it and it amazes me the directions his mind will take. A joy because he puts it online for others to view and enjoy the work. I don't truly understand all types of art anyone does but I try to see what I get out of it and I think in the long run that is what they want you to do. Every once in a while I come across a painting, writing, or sculpture that makes me sit back and say, "I can see my own self in that", and it draws me to think about my life and my own artist wanting that I've always held back and in check. I used to draw as a child but somewhere along the way, I lost the urge. I write now, this unconsequential nonsense you read here but it's an outlet for me as I am sure every piece of artwork is for those that do their art. But then, that's what it is all about, isn't it? Letting a piece of yourself out, setting it free, to roam into other's minds as only they can interpret it?

Is it wrong tooo....

Be jumping up and down for joy because next Friday my daughter will be going to Oklahoma for a week???? I love my child, yes I do, but I love my sanity more. For one week out of every year a long time friend has taken my daughter for me. Every year for the past 20 yrs. Sweet, eh? A week doesn't seem like very long to some maybe but to me, it's one week of not hearing, "Mom", or not hearing the radio blaring the same song over and over again. This week her favorite is, "I'm having the time of my life" because she loves the movie Dirty Dancing. On top of listening to the radio she also watches Smallville with the sound turned down. Strange child, I know, but it makes her happy. I also get to MOVE the week she is gone. I am on vacation and will be moving our things into a new place so when she comes back she will have a new room and house. Mom won't get much rest but it will be restful not having to worry over her. Believe me, that makes a world of difference in my life. Is it next Friday yet?

I noticed I've never mentioned if the air cast for my ankle actually worked or not. To my great surprise, it has made a difference. I don't wear it everyday but I wear it on the days my leg bothers me a lot or I know I'll be out in the warehouses looking for records most all day. Fortunately for me, this month has been the slowest it's been in over a year. I did 731 requests last month and so far this month (knocking on wood), I've only done 250. Big difference, eh? The rest is doing me good though. Not as much stress. Stress will come soon enough when I am able to move. I can't wait for that! I need the change. Badly.

Some days I wake up...

And I think to myself, uh oh, that's a song, isn't it? ooops! Anyway, I think to myself that I am glad that I am single. My child is demanding at times, my job is demanding, and I am not really sure I have the time nor the energy to devote to meeting anyone else's demands. Relationships to me are suppose to be a two way street. You do for them, they do for you. But it's all mutual. Done out of love, respect, and the sheer joy of pleasing them. Maybe I've just picked the wrong men but I've ended up doing more than my fair share of pleasing and spoiling and I ended up resenting it. I still carry that resent to this day from my last relationship. It's wrong. I should let it go but I get scared. Scared that if someone wants to get too close, I'll end up in the same relationship I left. Then there are other days, I wake up feeling so alone. Wishing I had someone to just give me a hug. Tell me, yes, you are loved and special. Knowing and feeling these things aren't always easy. Being told is sometimes better. It's hard to battle your fear of not being needed with your desire to be alone. A contradiction of terms, I guess. Maybe I've become too selfish about my needs instead of looking for someone else to worry over. To me, a relationship involves much more than sex. You have to be able to talk to them. They have to at least show some interests in your passions even if they don't understand them. You have give as well as take. I refuse anymore to settle for anything less than what I NEED. I know it's too much to ask to find someone with enough intelligence to actually carry on a conversation. Too much to ask for a man to respect my space when I need it as I would respect theirs. Too much to ask for a man to just hold me sometimes without demanding more than I can give. I am sure there are men out there with their own complaints about women too. I don't disagree that either sex is perfect. I am far from perfect. I have so many issues, my issues have issues. I just want a friend. A friend who accepts me as I am. Imperfections and all. If it turns into love great, if not, it all good too. I don't want a sex buddy. I'm not looking for sex. That leads into a whole other string of issues. Just a friend.....

Something I don't wish...

A major migraine on anyone. I awoke this morning at 7 with such a raging headache. In the course of five hours I've taken three Excedrin for migraines and two Tylenol PMs just to get it back to a dull roar. It's not working very well....

I feel like...

Such an idoit. I was trying to tell someone this evening that my oldest daughter was born when I was 16 and yet, according to the Math, I had to be 18. Well, I was 17 but almost 18. Why did I have it stuck in my head I was 16? I lost a good six months of my life when my husband died. I have a hard time remembering anything that happened after I was 18 until I was about 21. I know my middle daughter was born when I was 20 and six months later her father died. I think, in self-preservation, I block out a lot of that time period. Get confused as to what I was really doing during that time. His sudden unexpected death dealt a hard blow to my pysche at that time. Even with all that going on, why did I think I had her earlier? I hate when I screw up so much like that. Not remembering things. Or getting them wrong. I'll fret about this for a few days now. Feel bad because I'm sure the person I was talking to thought I was nuts or lying. Sighs. I really hate this...

I am starving...

For intelligent conversation.....sighs.

Reasons why...

I left AOL.
1.) There wasn't really anything convincing me to stay.
2.) Tired of the fights in the chat rooms.
3.) Save money.
4.) Quit being so depressed because others chose to fight all the time and I feel sad for them.
5.) It ceased to be fun.

One reason I could've stayed:
The odd times I met someone really wonderful to chat with.

Those who care, can reach me. Those who don't. Have a nice life.

Well, I did it...

I cancelled AOL. I just got tired of being hurt. The fighting in the chats. The place was depressing me. There are several people I will miss but I seriously doubt anyone will miss me. I'm just another blip on the AOL screen of life....sighs.

Sometimes I wonder ODD things...

I wonder sometimes how other people think. I use AOL, yes, AOL as a gateway to a world that I would otherwise not have access to in life. I spend my days working to provide just enough for me and my child to live on, spend my weekends taking care of her, and AOL is my "escape" as you will into finding others somewhat like me, whom just want someone to chat with and need to stop the lonliness. Too many times though I come across people who think for some unknown reason they are, I guess, irresistable. I don't ask to be a part of anyone's life anymore. Being a single, non-dating, workaholic mother doesn't mean I am always looking for someone to save me, rescue me, or be my boyfriend. Where do some of these men get these ideas? Are some women so bad to them that they can't trust any woman? I must admit I don't trust men much either but I do try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm just very shy and skittish about relationships. I am NOT looking. If God decides the time is right for me to have someone in my life, I am sure He will let me know somehow. Until that time, MEN, I don't want you in my life personally. I just like to chat sometimes, care sometimes, and yes, I like to flirt sometimes. Don't take it personal, okay? sighs....

Marriage...sighs

A chatroom "roomie" is getting married tomorrow. I sent well wishes and hope things for them both work out as they dream they should. Each day that passes by I find myself resigning to being single for the rest of my days. I want to get married again though. I miss "belonging" to someone, old-fashioned as that may sound to some. I miss more having someone there to beat up on when I'm having a bad day (kidding) and someone to share life's joys with instead of just watching them happen and saying, oh, that's nice. Unfortunately I'm one of "those people" who are always hopefully I will find what I want in life. Be a sad life if I didn't have hope, wouldn't it? Anyway, I digress. Many happy wishes to the happy couple. I truly hope all goes well for them...

It's amazing..

The way things happen in life. I have an online friend in Florida that I talk to on the phone quite often if we don't catch each other online and I found out this evening that he had been SHOT over the weekend! My first reaction was to cry with surprise then I browbeat him because he didn't let me know! He is under strict orders to give his mother my phone number, just in case. I've never met this man and we are only FRIENDS but I care about him like a brother. My life would be that much emptier if something were to happen to him and he would be gone. I pray for his sake he can move as he wants to, SOON. He's trying to sell his house, sell things he doesn't want to store, and then he's going anywhere but there. All this because some kid wanted to show how tough he was and shoot him because he could. Sighs. This world is falling apart. I admit I live in a cocoon at times. This town has it's share of crime but not like that of big cities or other major towns. I've had my CD player stolen from my pickup (which I have yet to replace) but other than that, nothing has ever happened in the many years I've lived here. I can only continue to pray that it doesn't take a bad turn at any time. I'll say extra prayers tonight for my friend and hope he continues on a road to recovery. Irony though, the bullet (38) is still in his NECK! The doctor are afraid to remove it because of the so many vital parts in the neck area. He was sooo fortunate it missed everything!!! Life is tough all over.

I wish I knew..

What was wrong with me...

I've been having headaches, tense shoulders so bad they get numb, and I've been biting my nails something I haven't done in years. Just stress? depression? losing my mind? sighs

Decisions, decisions...

I've been doing some thinking lately. When I move, I may not get back on AOL. I'll keep my Internet connection and talk to a few via AIM but there's nothing on here for me anymore. I'm just tired of all the fights in the chat rooms. All the empty promises you hear from people. The losses that hurt me to the core. I had a life before AOL and I can have one after... I don't know..we will see.

Life is changing...

My life is fixing to change! I found a new place to rent and hopefully the septic won't back up. The power surges won't blow up my computers and life will once again sail smoothly so I don't lose my mind. I don't get to move until July 1st but I am already busy packing up things I don't use but want to keep. Throwing out things I've kept for some unknown reason but don't really need. Simplifying my life as much as possible. Unfortunately I have to use my vacation time to move but I guess that's all okay. I never go anywhere anyway. Kid will be sent to Oklahomas to stay with a friend that week so when she comes "home" the new place will be it. I think most of my boxes are full of books. I counting at least 15 and that's not counting the trunk of paperbacks I have in my bedroom. I hope to fix up the extra room as a den for me. Make bookshelves, put computer in there, and find a good comfortable chair to lounge in to read. I'm excited. Ready for a change. My life is growing too stagnant. Once the move is over, we will see what other changes I may do for myself. : )

Post Mother's Day and all that Jazz...

Well, I got to see my daughter on Mother's Day. She bought me a set of cross earrings and a delicate yet lovely necklace. This from a child who knows I never wear jewerly. I'd rather get a book certificate to buy books than jewerly. I said all the appropiate things, oooh, how lovely..thanks and hugged her. Wore them to work one day. They now sit in their box they came in and there they will sit until I have an occasion to wear them. As if that will happen.

I'm thinking of taking a break from AOL. See if I can go the whole weekend without once signing on to chat or get my fix. It's not as if anyone will miss me. Who's knows? Maybe I'll even clean the kiddo's room. HA! As if!

Some days...

I think I'm okay and then someone makes a comment, innocently, and I want to cry all over again. I watch and see people talking about things they wouldn't like in a person or would not accept and I realize that so many are looking for perfection. So what if they have to wear dentures? maybe they had childhood problems and they tried to make their teeth last as long as possible but does that make them less desirable? less worthy? So what if they are a little "big". Does that make them less than a person? It just makes me want to cry to realize that in so many people's eyes, I will never be considered desirable. Wanted. Loved. I just want to cry.

I know it doesn't do any good to hate..

But sometimes I truly dislike my husband's side of the family. Because they hate me, they ignore a wonderful child that we BOTH had when we were married. It's not my fault he died. He made that decision but it is their fault they shut her out of their lives. Fortunately her Grandfather isn't so biased. He tries to stay in touch with his Granddaughter and even walked her down the aisle in place of her Father. It makes me hurt so much for her sometimes. There is nothing I can do and everything I want to do for her. I know if she is ever blessed with a child, even though she is having trouble conceiving, they will still ignore her. That's okay. She has me. She has her sister's. Her husband and all his family. They love her. She has her Grandfather for what little time he may have left on this Earth. What or who else does she really need? Sighs...

News and more news...

Found out today from my doctor I have to wear an air cast for my ankle for the next four weeks. I think the doctor has no clue as to why I hurt and she is just grasping at straws. I will give it a try. Anything to get rid of this chronic pain I feel everyday. Sighs. I hate getting old. It sucks. In more ways than one...

Yadda Yadda Yadda....

Enough said...

It's a PMS kinda day....sighs...

I am moody today. Feeling melancholy, alone, all the usual bs that goes with these moods. I miss my friend so darn much that I used to talk to. Just seeing his name online made me smile. Amazing how you can meet people online and not ever meet them in real life and yet, they mean so much to you. Sometimes, I just feel so alone....

Happy Birthday to me!

Sometimes, its just too funny...

Some people just have to make me laugh. You talk to them online. Don't see them for a week. Inquire as to their existence and YOU do it wrong. I don't need anyone to entertain me. Disappear for a month, a year, forever, it matters not to me. Just don't assume you mean more to me or that you are so irrestible I can't do without knowing where you are or what you are doing. Some people over estimate their worth and others, sighs, never value themselves enough. It's just too funny sometimes...

Days I hate...

When you are so tired that everything just gets on your nerves.
When you realize the friend you lost, isn't coming back.
When your legs hurt so much you can barely walk.
When you ask yourself, is this all there is?
When you feel really alone....

I lost something very important today...

I lost a friend. He didn't die. Didn't leave town. Just disappeared out of my life due to circumstances beyond his control. I didn't realize how much it would hurt. I should've known though. I am too sensitive to people and care too much. I have another friend that I never see anymore online. I know he is still alive, I get his emails. I miss him too. I hate when life changes on you. Happy as a clam one day and BAM! something just blows it all to shite. I'm seriously considering going off AOL. I keep getting hurt. People disappear on me. Walk away. Get lives. Me, I am stuck in a rut. Yea yea, pity me time, right? Still doesn't stop the tears from falling thinking about my friend I will never see again. Or the ones I rarely see anymore but know they are still around...somewhere. Just makes me realize how alone I truly am. Sighs.

Blasted computers!

After almost two weeks of computer problems and down time, I am finally back online. Had to buy a new motherboard with processor, etc and box. Fortunately my hard drive was still good so have that in here and was able to rescue most of my stuff. Computers, you either hate em or love em!

I tried...

I really did. I open IMs. I made a profile. I even sent out my picture. For what? to be insulted by no responses, to come across many morons? I give up. I will just have to learn to be happy spending my days taking care of my daughter and forgetting about me. I'm sure I'll eventually come to terms with it...just may take some time....

I don't need...

I don't need a man to complete my life...
I need a man to become a part of my life.
I don't need a man to take away my troubles...
I need a man to stand against them with me.
I don't need a man to take away my burdens...
I need a man to help carry the load.
I don't need a man to make me feel beautiful...
I need a man to see that I already am.
I don't need a man to change me...
I need a man to watch me grow.
I don't need a man afraid to show love...
I need a man willing to give love.
I don't need a man afraid to rejoice in the Lord...
I need a man that will.
I don't need a man to feel loved...
I need a man to just love me.

Some days...

I do just fine and then WHAM! I start thinking too much. Hoping too much and just plain wondering why do I even care? sighs...

I sometimes wonder...

At that which I cannot see. Am I being to imaginative or just being me? Are all my dreams fantasies or something that may come true....

20 days and counting...

In 20 days my baby, Miss Thing, will be 18!!!!! The closer that it gets to that day, the more depressed I think I feel. Of course, she has no clue exactly what it means to be 18. In her mind, she is still 1215 (don't ask), so it's just another day for her. To Mom, it means an end of her childhood by law, but not in her mind. The older she will become the more I worry about her future. The what ifs, the could happens, the where will we be.. sighs... too many worries... Sometimes I am so glad she has no clue... none at all.

Sometimes life is just so hard....

It's been a hard end of the week for me. Kid sprained her ankle badly and I'm trying to figure out if sitter can keep her all week or do I need to take my vacation? My boss and I had words Friday evening, of which, he threatened to fire me. I'm not worried about being fired, he doesn't have the authority to do so but it will make my job that much harder due to his pettiness and childish actions. I'm still having my health problems and that doesn't make things any easier. It's times like this that I wish I had someone in my life to "share" my burdens. I don't need them to take them away, they only make me stronger but just share them so I don't have to carry the load all by myself. Sighs. Such is life.

A single tear....

As she slowly walked away, a single tear fell down her cheek. A tear for remembering what she thought would once last forever, was gone now. A tear for knowing that no matter how hard she looked, hoped, or wanted, there would be no others to fill the hole in her life. A tear for knowing, she was alone and this was all there is or ever will be.....

Thinking again...

I've been doing some thinking lately. I think I will go back to just being by myself online. Spend my time in rooms that no one ask who I am or want to know anything about me. Time to quit caring. Just be alone.

Ever want to shrink and fade into nothingness? or just give up and disappear? Sometimes I wonder why I am still here trying. Trying to live, love, laugh, or care. It's amazing how you hang onto the smallest threads sometimes because if you don't, you will just fall....

It's amazing...

The amount of pain a person can endure and for how long....sighs.

I'm going to live (rats).... grins

Went to the doctor today about my leg pain. Nothing is showing up wrong inside, no circulation problems, no arthritis, just plain old swelling and pain. Apparently I've stressed it due to the bursitis that developed in the other knee and have overstrained it. I've been told to cut out ALL salt (due to swelling), try to lose some weight, and try to put the same amount of weight on both legs...haha, right. The salt I can live without. The weight, I'll try but make no promises. Weight off both legs...not while they hurt I can't. Oh yes, stay off them as much as possible. Hahahaha, funny doctor, huh?

Yammering....

Have you ever walked down an old country road and listened to the birds sing? Have you ever stood on a hill and watched a thunderstorm as it was coming in? Have you ever taken time to listen to your heart and not your head? What happens to all the little pleasures as life's demands take over and runs things? (dont mind me, Im just yammering)

Another Valentine's Day alone. Need I say more?

Smallville, smallville, smallville....

Okay, perhaps it was a dumb thing to do or maybe not but I have been blessed this weekend in watching a Smallville marathon with my daughter. Mom broke down and bought her the Fourth season to watch on DVDs. Of course she has her favorite episodes which she had to watch not once, twice, or even three times but FIVE! The only good part about it all is that each episode lasts about an hour so guess who had time to read a book AND take a nap? Yay for me! I'm not really complaining. I spoil her. I know I do. Anything that puts a smile on her face makes me happy. Being as it is a Monday, I am mentally trying to prepare myself to see what type of work week I have in store for me. I am not working any overtime this week except what little bit I get here and there by clocking in early. I'm almost all caught up (so far) until they bring me more in to do. It does make it nice though, going to work knowing I have a raise, and realizing I am the only one in our department worthy of one. "Patting self on back" Good job, well done! : )

I survived! I think...

Well, January has come and gone. I survived the month. My last count for the 31st was 950 record requests. A first for me! I usually search for about 500 to 600 requests a month so I was slightly over. I ended up developing bursitis in my right knee from the strain. Believe me, it is very painful. I think I am becoming quite attached to my ice pack. The good news is.... I got a raise!!! Second one in six months. Yay for me!! I got a little bit more than I thought I would and I am happy about it. At least they recognize I deserved one without me having to ask for it. Now if they would just fire my none working boss...greedy, aren't I? Life is okay as long as I ignore the aches and pains and the moodiness. Hahahaha right! : )

Can I be worked to death?

This has been such a hard month for me at work. I've had to look for 335 records OVER what I normally would be doing. My total so far is 827 and the month isn't over yet!!!! My body is protesting greatly. Between my knee throbbing and my shoulder hurting again I'm not sure I will make it another day. I am taking this Friday off though. I just need to get out of there. Three days off should help. Hoping to go see my Grandson this weekend but not sure just yet. Where is my dream man that will support me in the style I could become accustomed to???? Haha (kidding) I pride myself on being able to make it on my OWN although I have ONE stubborn friend that refuses to listen to me and has helped me greatly last month. I will admit, it was nice not to have to worry about some things like I usually do in December. My income tax refund should be in this Friday and I am doubling up on house bills so that worry will be gone for a few months also. Somehow, someway, we will survive. : )

Melancholy feelings...

Feeling a tad melancholy today. Not sure why. I need to do so much to this house and I just don't have the energy. It's like why bother? Do the simple things, basic things but just let the rest go. I've been feeling very restless lately. Not a good sign. Means another bout of depression is trying to creep in on me. I won't give in... I can't. The last one about did me in...sighs. If it gets too bad, I will go to the doctor again and get help. Its been a whole year since I've felt this way... was so hoping it would stay gone. Peri-menapause sucks....big time.

Today is not a good day...

I'm weepy, stuffy, tired, oh okay, I'm exhausted... it would be a good day to just go out and .....scream.....sighs

It's a lonely trip sometimes...

Life can be lonely sometimes. Trying to live by your convictions, morals, and values. I've made the decision in my life where I no longer want someone in it just to relieve my physical desires but I want someone who will help me relieve all my desires. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I think I may end up being alone for many more years to come but if that is so, then it's okay too. I just wish people would understand that not everyone is as loose about their lives as they may be. Sex is not all there is..it is just icing after you have had the cake. I want the cake .... not just icing.

A New Year, a new day...

January 1st, 2006! My how time does fly. I've only made one resolution so far this year and it should be very easy to keep. I've decided to just give my life over to God and let Him decide what He wants to do with it. I don't seem to know what I want to do with it so maybe He knows more than I, you think? Other than that, I'm excited to see a New Year begin. Now if I can only figure out how to slow them down just a tad : ) Happy New Year !!